I’m trying to come back to life. It’s been a rough rough seven days. Sorry. And hell, I feel like I’ve done a lot of apologizing lately, but the people who really matter don’t seem to care about my apologies.
Saturday. I’m sitting on the plane on the runway at Dulles, I lean my head against the window. I look out at the torrential rain coming down, pummeling the planes as they take off in front of us, waiting for one of those planes to just not make it into the air. Waiting for it to come back down, crashing in the Dulles suburbs. Or maybe that’s the fate saved especially for my plane. “Life can’t suck any more than it does right now,” I thought. Well, I guess it could. Of course it could. Someone could be dead. Bite my tongue. But no, just me who feels dead.
I’m already panicked about flying and have plane crash dreams averaging about once a week now. But add to my fear of the weather the fact that I’m really sick. Allergies turned into a really bad chest cold. Head clogged. Ears clogged. How can I fly like this? I just coughed up the contents of a third world country sewer and several vital organs. You’d think they would put me in quarantine.
Instead I’m sitting next to a woman obviously bothered by my sniffling and coughing. And “sitting next to” is questionable because she’s spilling over into my seat. Oh, am I bothering you that much? Sorry I’m having trouble breathing but I’m a little stuffed up and part of your shoulder and arm is crushing my good lung. Suck it lady. Go find an empty seat next to a seemingly healthy person. My germs will find you sooner or later.
I’m sad to report that what’s his name and I are no more. I appreciate all your well wishes on that front, but the curtain is down on that show, and the theatre as they say on Mondays, is dark.
Arriving in Phoenix, I’m hit with massive amounts of nostalgia. I lived here with my boyfriend of 6 years exactly five summers ago. In fact, we moved to Phoenix on April 25, 2001. I returned to Phoenix on April 22, 2006. I forgot how much I loved it here. I forgot how much getting away from home can give you clarity.
I’ve already paid hundreds of dollars to extend my trip. The return flight is sufficiently delayed, extra time at this resort cost more a day than my motorcycle payment and condo fees, and I’m driving a rental car that is three times the size of my own vehicle at home. But still, life seems simpler here.
I feel like sending for the dogs and staying here for good. I could change the name of the blog to “Velvet in the Valley” or “Velvet in Phoenix.” It might not be as juicy, but it would sure be easier on me. I could start over. New life. New friends. New blog. Leaving all the old mistakes behind. I love my job, but my company does have a divison here. Sigh. It’s fun to dream. I haven’t called my boss yet to tell him not to expect me back for a while. I should really go do that.
We’ve all been there, there have been several moments in my own life where I just wanted to fuck off and leave everything.
Get a nice hut or bungalo near the ocean and get a job in a Bar a la Cocktail.
But reality always intruded into my daydream. There’s a reason there aren’t a lot of people like that in this world.
It’s running away.
But for a time it’s a comfort, a easing of the madness that envelops us where ever we build up our lives. I hope you find that comfort in Phoenix and come back recharged.
Chin up, Velvet. I’m glad to hear you’re in a place you feel safe and comforted in and really hope you enjoy your stay.
🙂
AM
I’m sorry to hear that things have been so rough. There’s not much comfort to give via blog comment, but I hope your time in Pheonix leaves you a bit recharged. We’ve all wanted to just start over when things get particularly unbearable, but you have a lot of people here in DC who adore you, and hopefully that can help, when you get back.
Sorry to hear about your blues. If it’s any consolation, if he broke up with you, he’s probably gay.
Yeah, I understand those comfortable places and feeling the need to be there. I’m glad you’ve been able to extend the trip and hope the boss was cool about it, ha.
And I’m glad I’m not the only one with the allergies to cold problem. No wait, that makes it sound like I want other people to be sick and I don’t!
completely can empathize. Have you ever heard the song ‘take me away’ by lifehouse? Became my favorite during a time like this (ironically flying). They, and the song are amazing. And you may relate to it…
Don’t stay there. You have a big fan club here in DC!
I think there are some fairly obvious communication issues that hopefully you can get over with a little time to cool off and step back. Well, they are obvious to me.
And hopefully a little forgiveness can go a long way.
Good for you.
Sanity and a little slice of peace is priceless.
A new blog/name is in my future…
You know I always contemplate packing it in and going elsewhere…
But dating wise the odds are in your favor.
Velvet in the Valley sounds kind of hot though.
XOXO
Velvy you are a mess! Get back here and get it together girlfriend. While a change of scenery may provide a much needed dose of perspective, I do not think jumping ship is the answer. You need to change things on the inside, not the outside. Judging by your blog comments you have a bunch of people who care for you. Surround yourself with good people and forget about guys for a while.
Oh, and drink some alcohol.
Oh Velvet!! I hope that you get some good rest and stress relief out there! I am sorry to hear the news. I guess you can ignore the first part of my email…
Wow. I’m sorry that things are rough for you right now. I hope this time of rest will give you some clarity and peace.
I hope the warm weather and clean air help with the cold and that taking a break helps with everything else.
Take your time girlie, and get tan while you’re at it!
All – I’m not really staying guys. I think about it, 50% seriously but I know I have to come back. Though I did talk to a friend on the phone last night and when I heard the sirens busting through D.C., I got the shakes. What kind of life is that?
Cosmic Shambles – I emailed you.
Tyler – I’m going to email you, but yes, I’m sad about the news.
Playful – a new blog is in my future too! Hooray. I’ll still keep this one going, but someone no one would suspect (i.e., not my group of blogger friends) asked me about joining an existing blog and I can’t say no. And I WON’T be revealing that identity to anyone. Phew. Found a solution.
Ninja – Uh. It’s a little too soon for jokes when I’m so sad…but I know you mean well.
Siryn – Sigh. I hope.
Everyone else – sorry I can’t do a personal note back to each of you, but I greatly appreciate that you are still reading, and still care. I have to run off to a bunch of meetings now. Thank you!!
“…contents of a third world country sewer…”
I woke up after a night-long bender in one of these. Curiously concupiscent.
According to legend, the phoenix lived in Arabia; when it reached the end of its life (500 years), it burned itself on a pyre of flames, and from the ashes a new phoenix arose. As a sacred symbol in Egyptian religion, the phoenix represented the sun, which dies each night and rises again each morning. According to Herodotus the bird was red and golden with a velvet-like texture and resembled an eagle.
Need I say more?
I am still shocked that BP posted a comment without the C word…
I prefer “Valley of the Velvet” a la “Valley of the Dolls” with a hearty dose of purple pills and cocktails (just like the dolls would do it…)
Sounds like you need some R&R. The dry Arizona air should be good for all that ails you! If you get bored with Phoenix, just swing down to Tucson and visit my son Dan. But whatever you do, keep writing!
I was sorry to read this news. I had hopes that things would resolve and be good for you. I was on a plane like that once, after a flame war in an office where I had to wonder why bother coming back to such a nighmare, but I did, and you will, too, but…man. Miss Velvet. Hugs across the miles, girl.
Some Art History major hacked into my blog and wrote a poem for you. At first I thought he was a little confused about your monicker and that he signed under an alias, but it was for you. It seems that;
IE is an anagram for BH in Sri Lanka
Little D is anagram for Velvet in Botswana
The clues all add up!
I’m not sure what to say, but I hope you feel better and get some good relaxing in.
No pressure, hon, but we can only get by without you for so long. Come home soon.
What a GREAT post. You are so smart to extend your stay. I love hotels – they are so neutral, so ordered. I feel safe and contained in their bland nothingness. It always helps me think.
Thank you for this. I’m sorry you’re struggling but it sounds to my slightly tilted mind like you are clearing away a lot of old stuff (hence the congestion), drying up some old junk out there in the dry dry air of the southwest desert.
I salute you!! Have a wonderful retreat from life in the swamp of DC.
You say you want diamonds and ring of gold
You say you want your story to remain untold
But all the promises we made
From the cradle to the grave…
{hugs} and champagne. 🙂
Sorry to hear about closing of Velvet Theatre. But you know what? BH wasn’t right for you. His response to your complaints says alot about him. He should have just asked you to discuss this with him. Instead, he shuts down. As far as I can see, he jumped the gun. Writing what you did was your personal thoughts. If he had questions or issues, he should have come to you and talked about it. You’re better off. Way.
Sympathies. There are better men in DC. Way better. Recharge your battery, come back, and get your whisky-pants on.
Barbara – I was already “almost” in Tucson on Sunday.
Kayla – I like to think my pill snort and smoke days are behind me.
Cube – Thanks. We’ve had a lot of emails, and you gave very good advice. You were right.
Little D – Uh…I’ve dealt with this over on your blog.
Elvis – I don’t have no stinkin’ whisky pants.
All – Sorry for doing the “big lump together again” but I’m back out to eat dinner with a crew you wouldn’t believe. I’m the youngest person here by easy, 20 years. Thanks again for the well wishes. You all speak very wise and kind words.
Enjoy the sun and the time away from DC !
its not that you dont want to be in love, its that you cant be in love. they say a passionate love is like a roaring fire? well once you go past a certain point, it becomes a raging forest fire, except that when its all said and done, your heart is burnt to a crisp and barren like yellowstone.
it’ll take time, velvet.
(and some pretty constant thrusting.
muhaha!)
When I have moods like this, I start cranking “Solsbury Hill” and dreaming of the quaint little bookstore I’d love to open in a cute little New England coastal town. Sounds fab, doesn’t it??? But I agree with everyone else – take a break, recharge, you’ll come back to life with slightly different eyes and things will look better again.