I woke up this morning realizing that my act of checking out without an explanation isn’t fair to you. You guys have followed me through the past year and I have been nothing but an open book. I shouldn’t clam up now. I owe you an explanation.
I’ve made a couple huge mistakes in the recent past that I don’t know how to fix. I’m not sure they can be fixed, which is why I checked out the way I did.
First, I started a relationship with someone who always knew about the blog. It started as a friendship, but then it escalated and I couldn’t take back the fact that he knew the blog address. He professed that he was fine with me posting whatever I posted. He didn’t want to read it first, he was fine with my continuing as usual, posting when I had something to say. However, once I had a less than positive feeling about something that happened, and I posted it, it put him on the defensive – rightfully so I suppose. I feel it changed the nature of our communication. Normally I could vent, and “the guy” wouldn’t know, and we would all banter about it in the comments and I’d get over it. Once he knew, however, it was always out there, and he could alter his behavior because of it. Or I could perceive he was altering his behavior. In any case, I violated my own rule. I cannot present to you, my dating life, if the person I am dating is reading and responding in the comments. Colossal Mistake.
Second, allowing a guest post from him, while it seemed funny at the time, was probably another mistake. That was never the point of this blog, it’s my perspective, not someone else’s, and despite the fact that it was mostly humor and obvious embellishment, a mistake nonetheless. Immense Mistake.
Third, since this person is also an online persona, my friends and I actively participated in email exchanges with him. Of course it is all very innocent, but it is always a bad idea to be simultaneously building a relationship with your friends in the front row. I take the full blame for this, as I initiated this communication. (Interestingly enough, not only did this happen to me, but it happened with the two friends mentioned in a prior post. One person was building a relationship with the email target while others were emailing as friends.) Primo Mistake.
Couple all these problems with my panic attacks that seem to be increasing in frequency. I was at the gym last night and got the crushing chest pain and lost my breath for about 10 minutes. I had to lay down for a few minutes before I could get the energy to walk home. Nice. This morning, same problem. Woke up, rubbed my eyes, realized that my Tim McGraw sex dream was really in fact, just a dream, got up, turned on the shower and the panic set in. If I wasn’t living in “meeting hell” at work, I could probably go to the doctor and get something to fix this…anti-anxiety…morphine. Whatever.
Anyway, I’ve made these mistakes, and I don’t know how to fix them, other than stepping back for a while and letting it all settle down. I’m out of town next week, so I know I’m at least looking through a week and a half of no posting, but beyond that, I can’t make any promises. I have to figure out how to extricate myself from this mess.