Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

So Before You Go and Turn Me On, Be Sure That You Can Turn Me Loose

I think my last post reached an all time comment high for me. Thanks again to everyone for the warm welcome back.

Ok. Let’s get to it. Tis’ the weekend of drunken debauchery.

Friday night, I met up with Marci, Law-Rah, Ninja and Eternal Freshman to help the celebration of one Diet Coke of Evil’s birthday. We had a conversation about the old hair bands, a topic near and dear to my heart. It seems like yesterday that I wavered on who was hotter – Axl Rose or Sebastian Bach. Heh. The days of either of those men making my heart go pitter patter are very much over. Time has not been kind to either. I would have been better served to invest in a crush on Tommy Lee or Nikki Sixx. Damn those boys certainly held up well. Apparently snorting coke and fucking porn stars really worked out well for them.

Anyway, one of DCOE’s friends was a fine specimen who Eternal Freshman and I were eyeing from across the bar. We exchanged some verbal notes on him, but while we were speculating on his age, I saw something that ruined it completely. He high fived a girl. Um. Again. He HIGH FIVED a girl. Who does that? Ninja and I put our asses in a cab and went home (each to our own home, you dirty minded people…no more hooking up with bloggers for Velvet, remember,) but Eternal Freshman continued onward for dancing with the gang. Sadly, I got a text from her as I was walking the doggies. It said, “You were right. No on high-five. I’m on my way home.” Phew. Glad to see that some of my basic red flags are still trustworthy.

Saturday night I met up with one KassyK, Virgle Kent and Thicky for some drinking and some dancing. Fine, make that a lot of drinking and a lot of dancing. Apparently, I, who barely drinks and lately barely eats, was able to drink a Bombay Tonic, 3 Redheaded Slut shots, half a Long Island, a lemon drop shot, some other shot ordered by VK’s friend D, wash it down with two beers and only realize how drunk I was as I hit the pavement outside and shoved a piece of pizza in my trap. Good thing for me I was drunk because Adam’s Morgan at 3 a.m. is a place I rarely see, and hope I don’t see again soon.

Parts of the night will forever live in obscurity as each of us together cannot seem to reconstruct the evening, beginning to end. I remember Thicky’s arrival. I remember VK dancing with some bridesmaid. The reason I know she was a bridesmaid is because she was wearing a wifebeater that said, “BRIDESMAID.” Heh. And a polka dot bra with the bra straps down at her elbows. (VK, that was easy, she was like half undressed already!) Anyway, I wandered off, found an incredibly hot man, swapped spit and returned with a hickey on my neck. Nice. Don’t get any ideas, I’m still not in the mood to be involved with anyone.

Sunday I parked my ass on the roof and got enough sun and skin cancer for all of us. You don’t have to thank me, someone had to do it. Around 6, the Queen of Quantity and I went to Cafe St. Ex, Local 16 and Chi Cha Lounge. We chatted with some locals. (Locals as in, “We live on U Street” not “We live in Stafford County.”) I finally hit the wall and went home to crash relatively early. I must have been tired because apparently EVERYONE decided to call or text in the middle of the night and I heard exactly none of their calls.

Monday, snooooooooooore. Is this weekend update over yet? Monday the Queen of Quantity (Lord woman, you need a shorter name) and I went to a frat party pool party in Arlington. Actually, it was the usual scene: Girls all bitchy, guys are nice. Hmm. Whatevs. I just wanted to get some sun and tear into the fab watermelon we brought, but none of that happened. Apparently in Arlington, they put swimming pools between two buildings that are 6 stories, so the buildings block the sun for the most part. You get sun in the pool area for what? 3 hours? I wonder what Einstein architect designed that shit. This is why I lay out on my roof where the sun shines all day and I can take my top off.

My plan for Monday was to go to Rolling Thunder. Here’s my thought. I’ve tried to date these metrosexuals in D.C. and it just doesn’t work for me. I had better luck with the beefy Harley riders. I’m thinking that’s the way to go. And what better than Rolling Thunder? It’s like thousands of potential boyfriends all in one place! But sigh, it just didn’t happen for me this year. Maybe next year I’ll go.

Also at some point during the weekend, my brother called me from our parents house and said he walked into the computer room and saw my blog up on my dad’s computer screen. Um….I’ve been through so much in the last month that all I can do is laugh my ass off at this piece of information. I really don’t have anything to hide. I only hide things to prevent the lectures.

So, Mom and Dad. (Or Gloom and Doom…the alter ego’s.) I’m not going to tell you not to read, and I’m not going to block your IP address because I only do that to assholes with mental problems but, you can’t lecture me. Okay? And occasionally, you two do and say shit that is damn fine material for me. So you’ll have to deal with reading it, Velvetized, here on the blog. You will have to remember that I don’t always make the best decisions and I know this. Yes, I do drink. No I won’t go to church to try to meet a “nice Greek boy” because I don’t think they exist and I’m Agnostic anyway. Yes I lay out in the sun. No I don’t want skin cancer but it doesn’t stop me. Yes I date boys. Yes, things happen with these boys you won’t want to know about. And yes, I’m sometimes a complete asshole to these boys, but only when they deserve it. I’ll try to remember to warn you when anything I’m about to write is going to move from PG-13 to rated R. And for everyone else? I’ll try to keep that R Rating. I know you love it.


  1. DCOE

    Hahahahahahaha on my friend. We didn’t stay long after we left y’all either. My feet were KILLING me. Good thing I bought the same shoes in red this weekend! 🙂

  2. Moxie

    Hey, what do I have to do for an invite out with the girls? sooo neglected 😉

  3. AlieMalie

    Sounds like Original Velvet is back! Glad to hear you had a great weekend.

    : )

  4. Siryn

    Heck of a weekend! Glad you had a good time and just enjoyed yourself. You needed it. Although, you might want to give your liver a little rest. 🙂

  5. homeimprovementninja

    Welcome back! Ummmm, you sunbathe topless? I’m coming by with my camera, this will make blog history!

  6. I-66

    These are the things I miss when I leave town for the weekend… Bah.

  7. Sarah Jayne

    Oh… the debauchery that will be had V when I come and visit…

    History will be made!

  8. Virgle Kent

    Some how the words partied like a rock star dont seem to sum up how crazy (CRAZY) the night was.

    Word on the street is there are pictures with a midget in the background. Thats all I’m going to say. That and you blogger chicks are insane.

  9. KassyK

    Um, I gotta agree with you Velvet—I’m posting on my site in about five minutes some pics and I dont remember most of them…Vkent with the bridesmaid–YES. My hot nonblogger friend dancing with Vkent’s hot nonblogger friend-yes. You with a hickey–yes. Thicky pulling up her top and BREAKING IT DOWN. Yes. Me pulling out my braids and stripper dancing against the wall. Yes. And I believe all that was before 1am. LOL. Had a blast…

  10. I-66

    and by the way… you date metrosexuals? say it ain’t so…

  11. Barbara

    Has your mother gotten brave enough to read this yet, or is your dad covering for both of them? Even if he disapproves, he cannot possibly read it with a straight face. The only thing you really don’t want to mess with here is skin cancer, but then you don’t have the coloring of a person who is likely to get it, so what the hell!

  12. Scarlet

    Pool party sounds awesome! I miss my lifeguarding days.

  13. Aja

    Gawd, why does it sound worse in words!!! That’s it, I’m sticking to only doing the Robot and drinking water! It’s better than pulling up a top and dancing with half neked man and breaking it down!!!

    Againk good times!

  14. Sweet

    Glad Velv is back to her party hardy ways.

  15. Velvet

    DCOE – HAPPY BDAY, again!

    Moxie – You are welcome ANYTIME!

    AlieMalie – I try to hide my partying ways but the come back in full force.

    Siryn – My liver checked out. Said it had enough. I think it’s trying to be friends with Gary Busey’s liver.

    Ninja – Um… don’t have to bring your camera. My brestices have made plenty appearances in public places.

    I66 – You were missed. But thanks for introducing me to KassyK. Good lord….

    Sarah Jayne – Of course, and ha ha! I got custody of SJ (as I dance a little dance over here.)

    VK – Um, you contributed to the craziness if I recall. I think there was a protest of me not wanting to drink the Long Island and you telling me to be an adult or something.

    KassyK – OMG! Thicky DID pull her shirt up! I forgot that too!

    I66 – Not anymore. They must be burly beefy Harley riding high school dropouts. I had better luck there.

    Barbara – Well, it seems Dad is doing the reading, and the printing out of blog for mom to see. I expect to receive a call shortly about the hickey and how it’s not good for my work image or whatever.

    Scarlet – It was ok. But sometimes I’m antisocial and not being around those chicks would have also been fine with me. The Queen of Quantity and I could have just as easily tanned on the roof of her building or mine.

    Aja – The ROBOT! HA HA! I’ll believe it when I see it.

    Sweet – I’m writing this from detox though!

  16. Marci

    Shit girl, you need a weekend to recover from your weekend. But thanks, really, for soaking up all the cancer rays for me. My pasty self sported the SPF 30 ALLLL weekend long. Go whitey!

  17. Old Lady

    Sounds like some of the times that I used to have when I was younger. Instead of looking at each dating experience as a failure, try to look at them as an experience gained. The litmus test for a lasting relationship would be to ask yourself a simple question. Would I trade my life for that person to live? There is absolutely nothing wrong with casual dating and sex, as long as you recognise those activities for what they are. Each experience in life is a stepping stone to understanding, love and acceptance, as well as each person met. We give to each other and learn from each other.

    What puzzles me most is your blog dating rule. You have met and made many friends through your blog, why cut yourself off there? Friendship is a form of love, is it not? Love is friendship on fire.

    One other piece of advice, from an aged partier-mystery is very attractive. While regaling your audience with the highlights of your life, keep somethings to yourself.

  18. johnny

    i usually recall memorial day weekend as dead, since everyone is at the beach getting broke on $400 a night rooms and $10 pizza slices. 😛

  19. playfulindc

    Um, I hate to tell you this, but, I walked into my parents’ house, and your blog was up on the screen.

  20. Raincouver

    “Anyway, I wandered off, found an incredibly hot man, swapped spit and returned with a hickey on my neck.” That’s priceless! Like VK says… that’s the definition of a crazy (CRA-ZY) night. Paris Hilton would be jealous.

  21. Serena

    Amen to being tired of metrosexuals. I’m all for joining you for Rolling Thunder ’07.

  22. Stef

    I’m over metrosexuals, too. Are there any cowboys in DC???

    And I love Old Lady’s line “Love is friendship on fire.” Gives me chills.

    Glad you had a great weekend! I hope to see you soon!

  23. Buttercup

    The best revenge is living well, or so they tell me – and it sounds like you’re off to a great start!


  24. Mel

    Well this will be entertaining to see what Mom & Dad have to add to comedy & entertainment of the blog!

    Sounds like you had a jam-packed weekend!

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