Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Where Hustle’s The Name of The Game

Based on the overwhelming response of the prior post regarding dating men in their 20’s and 30’s, I’m doing a follow up of sorts. Related, but indirectly. There’s something else I’ve had in the hopper (you know, half on paper / half in my head.) I have been giving this idea a lot of thought.

A couple friends who I will turn to for advice happen to still be immersed happily in their 20’s. I’m always amazed that their advice, collectively, is much different from what I hear from my friends in their 30’s. Generally speaking, after 30, we become much sharper about dealing with other people, but we also develop an edge to us as well. Some might call that “edge” bitter.

Take for instance the generic plea to friends about any sort of relationship trouble. Inevitably, my friends in their 20’s say things like the following:

  • It shouldn’t be this hard.
  • It shouldn’t be a guessing game.
  • If he likes you, he will be over all the time.
  • When so and so and I got together, we were inseparable.
  • Or, they make excuses of the “maybe he’s just busy” variety.

But give that same plea to someone who is 30 or older and you get a whole host of other ideas:

  • He’s just not that into you.
  • Move on.
  • He’s dating other people.
  • He’s keeping his options open.

So this begs my question – why is it that when we are in our 20’s, we can throw ourselves into a budding relationship head, heart, feet first? How come when I dated a man in my 20’s, we had a starry eyed view of love, and it just seemed so easy? How come now falling head/heart/feet first into love is much more rare at 33 years old? What I confront more often is a commitment phobic man who never throws caution to the wind to hole up at my apartment for weeks on end. There’s no calling in sick to work to lay in bed all day. There’s no staying on the phone for hours on end. Are we really too busy to cultivate love, or have we lost faith? Why am I asking questions like stupid Carrie Bradshaw. (Ugh, don’t even get me started on that show and how it ruined dating for all of us.)

Did staying single for so long make us more independent and more suspicious of jumping 100% into a new relationship? Or are we single in our 30’s because we are incapable of throwing that caution to the wind in full force?

There’s definitely a shift at that milestone of 30. There’s a shift in our perceptions of relationships – both our own and other people’s. I see things happen in friend’s relationships that I would never tolerate. Again, none of these are hard and fast rules. I know you all can pop up with an example of someone in their 30’s who can throw that caution to the wind and fall in love hard and fast. But it’s rare. More rare than it is for someone who is younger.

Something else I noticed is that the number of men in pursuit of Velvet slowed down in recent years. The funniest part of this is that I feel I’ve gotten “better” in many ways in the years since 30. I’m in better shape, I take better care of myself, I’m better off financially, career-wise, etc. As I’ve grown and shaped myself into someone who would be a good, active half of a “relationship,” the men interested in that seem to have disappeared. I wondered if they got married. I wondered if they had girlfriends. I wondered, and still wonder if it is just the city in which I live. I think it’s all of the above and more. I think men pursue women in their 20’s more than an older woman. But why?

Is it because they think a woman in her 20’s will be somehow easier to date? Less commitment-seeking? Not operating off some “biological clock?” Is it because they think a woman in her 30’s is on to their tricks? Is it because a women who is somehow “together” doesn’t leave any room for them to be the savior?

I have no idea, obviously. I’m still trying to figure it out. From 20-30, I can recall so many methods men used to get my attention. I told you about the guy who followed me to work to ask me out. Another ex climbed on the roof of my parent’s house to watch me sleep. (Okay, that is weird, but he was nuts.) Another drove from Connecticut to Miami to see me in college. Countless men stopped next to me at red lights and rolled down their window to talk or ask me out. A man who became a boyfriend met me by pointing at me from across the bar and pushing a bunch of people out of the way to get to me. Another walked up to me with a pitcher of beer and said, “Can I pour you a drink?”

Again, was it due to age? Were my paramours and I all flying by the seat of our pants and hopeful for the promise of love? What is making you men at 30+ so much more guarded? If I’m uglier, please just tell me!! I can take it! I’m a big girl.


  1. homeimprovementninja

    I think a lot of it has to do with experience. The climbing-on-a-rooftop-to watch-someone-sleep thing is romantic when you are in your 20s, but if you try that in your thirties, people call the cops on you. Jus’ sayin’.

    Plus, experience teaches you to be pessimistic about relationships when you were so optimistic about the same circumstances in the past. After you’ve had a few people profess their emotion only to turn out to be flaky or crazy, then you start to be leery of it, even if it sounds sweet. You feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy swears that THIS time she won’t pull the football away. And by football, I mean sex 😉

    As to your last question, I’d need some pics of you in your 20s to make the comparison, but I will say that having seen you in your 30s you are very do-able (which is rare in this town).

    Anyway, I’ll tell you a weird story later.

  2. Cancer Sucks

    In your twenties you appreciate falling ‘head over heels’ for some lover. And you like it.
    In your forties, you appreciate falling ‘heels over head’ for some lover.
    And you like it.

  3. Mr. Anthrope

    HIN is right. It’s all a result of experience. – Oh, and fear. Men in their 30’s do indeed assume women their age are looking for long term relationships and we’re afraid of getting in over our heads too quickly. Back in our youth (a couple years ago), we either a) didn’t care if we had to hurt someone’s feelings if things went too quickly; b) thought that every relationship was “the one”; or c) were reckless because we had no idea what was going on and just enjoyed getting laid.

    I would guess that men aren’t the only ones with age-related quirks though –

  4. marie

    “(Ugh, dont even get me started on that show and how it ruined dating for all of us.)”
    Now I’m curious..
    I think people in their 20’s can get away with things that would seem desperate or weird if done by someone in their 30’s..
    For example, being romantic or sensitive turns into being needy or clingy.. Or (using your example) following to work/stopping at lights to ask someone out turns from being spontaneous and original to being a desperate/stalker-like..
    Why the change in perception? I wish I knew..
    Great post.. 🙂

  5. Velvet

    HIN – HA! Very funny. Ok, I shall provide pics of me in my 20’s. It’s not that much different though.

    Cancer Sucks – Well. Well. Well. And how would YOU know anything about being in your 40’s?

    Mr. Anthrope – HI!! I had brunch with your lovergirl this weekend! Oh, maybe I shouldn’t call her that. We can find a new nickname for her. It’s an interesting take on the situation that you mention. And it makes me feel better about men and their intentions. And yes, we women are guilty of age related quirks too. So now I think I want to date a guy who is 50. Hm. Where to find him though…

  6. Cancer Sucks

    Not me! Women in their forties! Why would I want to be ‘heels over head’ at any age? I am a giver, not a taker.

  7. Moni

    No hon, you have not gotten uglier. I’ve never seen your face, but if you are anything like my friends, you have gotten better with time. Because besides being awesomely hot and pretty you have something else 20-year old chicks don’t have: Lots of self-esteem and the comfort of knowing your body, your heart and your mind. You know who you are. Maybe that’s why dating is harder: You are no longer willing to put up with shit, you have higher standards and would rather be alone than in a bulshit relationship with a bullshit man. So what if we are single for a little longer. The man who can see us for who we are and not feel intimidated by who we are as women will be very, very lucky.

  8. doubleonegative

    having just stepped into the world of thirty and beyond, i have to say that it’s all because of carrie bradshaw. guys are freaked out that women talk incessantly about them and their tactics– so said tactics consequently become less adventurous, romantic, whatever you want to call it. in your teens and into your twenties, you think girls will be enamoured with wild antics– but as soon as you find out that just one has tooled on you to her friends, you’re through. and i think to a point, it goes both ways– we’re not only more cynical, we’re more desensitized. if a guy came up to you in a bar with a pitcher and offered you a beer now, you probably wouldn’t be as impressed. the older we all get, the harder it is to be original. i’ve decided to replace originality with AXE body spray. i kid, i kid.

    now i must go lash myself for knowing carrie bradshaw’s name and actually writing it.

  9. cosmic shambles

    This is an easy one. All of those guys in their 20’s leaping over the bar to get you drunk and ask you out probably thought you were attractive and wanted to have sex with you. If you are nostalgic for the days that guys climbed atop your roof to watch you sleep then you are in trouble in more ways than one.

    As a guy in his 30’s I am more particular about who I date, therefore am not willing to do handstands for every hot girl that may drift through my field of vision. First off, I would look like a fool. Second, most of the hotties are in their 20’s and believe it or not I actually prefer someone who has matured a bit, has their shit together, knows what they want out of a relationship, etc. Am I capable of falling head-over-heals-talk-all-night-stupid-in-love? Hell yeah! But at this point in my life I am also interested in a LASTING relationship, not just another one-night or six-month or two-year “fling”.

    OK, forget about what I said about not wanting a one-night fling, but I mean it about the other stuff!

  10. Velvet

    Phew! You all are making me feel so much better. Except you “Cancer Sux.” I hate you!

    Marie – Ok, Sex and the City. None of those characters were genuine. I think they did a huge disservice, sitting around talking about men all the time. Who does that? I don’t. Shit. I sit down with three other women on a routine basis and talk about a lot of other stuff, but the topic of “men” is just one of them. And, they chased men far more than I would have. Carrie followed that Russian dude to Paris. What?? What self-respecting woman does that? She chased Big. She had an affair with him even when she was 2nd best. Christ. Then there’s Charlotte. Good god. W. T. F.??? Where do I begin? The only thing I can relate myself to with Charlotte is wanting to stay home with your vibe. Now that’s a cause I can get behind. Or in front of. Whichever! Samantha and the fact that they never discuss condoms. Huh? Then she gets the HIV test? Lord. Miranda, a bitter bitch, is the only one who was somewhat believable. When she didn’t get the feeling from the guy, she didn’t chase him.

    Moni – I guess that’s true. But if I’m no longer willing to put up with shit, am I overlooking people who might evolve into a good relationship-mate? Right now I don’t care, but I’m trying to not be that bitter bitch!

    Double 0 – Damn. You’re right. If a guy did that with a pitcher of beer I definitely wouldn’t be as impressed. Want help with that lashing over the Carrie Bradshaw thing? I’m a wiz with a whip…er…forget it.

    Cosmic Shambles – That guy who climbed on my roof did end up snapping. You say all the right things. Too bad you live in Baltimore, you are too far away to snare in the Velvet trap. Kidding. I’m still on my self-imposed dating hiatus. And hey, when the hell is your blog going to come back to life? I can’t do with one post a month.

    People, tomorrow I’ll try to be less….black cloudish.

  11. Siryn

    Guys are increasingly pussified as they age. Things like intelligence and independence become a detriment the older you get and the wiser you get of men’s ways. Those things make you “bitter.”

    They increasingly long for the 50s to return, where all women did was stay at home and look pretty and cook (read: nurture their fragile egos like their fucking mothers). And yet they want to run if you even breathe the fact that you might like to have children before you run serious risks of not being able to have them. Is it any wonder you are seeing more men living at home and taking longer to get out of the house? Got to wean them off the teat!

    Fewer men are really interested in a serious partner. Candidly, however, fewer women are too – look at the divorces in this country. People are incredibly selfish and divorce over some stupid things in the name of “incompatibility.”

  12. La Whisky

    Do we need to be more like guys? Just kidding.

    The comments do provide a measure of relief. Although we miss the wilder passion of the 20’s, perhaps we’re able to develop a much deeper sort of connection via the slower and steady method of the 30’s. It’s just hard to make that leap after all the adrenalin from our 20’s.

  13. Moni

    I thought I’d answer your thoughts with an email a friend forwarded me. Here’s the link in my blog…

  14. Old Lady

    Rare is probably the best word you have used to describe finding love. Rare, precious and descriminate.

    Dating? All of you have outgrown the socio-economic circles of your high school/college days. You all have matured, learned and by process of elimination & trial & error have come to understand the different levels of a relationship.

    The sweetness of first love is unparalleled in life. I think, that attempting to reproduce that is where the frustration comes in. We are never guaranteed anything in life, only lucky if we get to experience the best that life has to offer.

  15. Bilious Pudenda

    I feel that I must defend poor Cancer Sucks. He is a nice man in his 30s with a genuine love for humanity. Oh and he thinks you are hot Velvet. Then again he likes pink eye and shoves gerbils up his arse!

  16. Twoste

    What you need is to find the guys in their 20’s that are mature, well shaped (for relationships and in general), and want to date older women.
    We’re out there.
    This is not a pick up attempt,
    Twoste Loves Mad Libs

  17. Luck O' the Irish

    Love your blog. Your entries are right on and I’d love to know the answers to the questions you pose as well. Maybe I was just too wishy-washy, or blinded by attention, or kind of door-mat-y in my 20s. Who knows? I remember getting sooo worked up over a phone call that didn’t end quite right or missed phone call, or whatever, all in the name of love. Now, I’m not sure I would put that much care and emphasis on the fact that he didn’t call when he said he was going to, or is going to be a few hours late. Is it age? Is it lack of naivete? I’m not really sure.

  18. NotCarrie

    Hey, don’t knock Sex and the City;) Just kidding, Velvet, I know what you’re saying.

  19. barbara

    The good news is you only need one. The bad news is you’re right. As we age the sparkles in our eyes get dulled by reality. It becomes increasingly difficult to create that lost in love feeling that we all had in our 20s. At the same time, our appetite for satisfying sex is only intensifying, making an interesting dilemma. Hmmmm….

  20. MellyMel

    I see this…in my case, I’m 33. I know what I want and know that I’m not going to waste time on something that I don’t believe will work, going from the many experiences I’ve had. Am I limiting opportunities by being so stuck in my ways? Probaby, but I’m so comfortable, I can live with it. If it’s supposed to happen, it will happen. And it will for you too V. 😉

  21. jennetic

    I think there are two big differences between dating in one’s 20 and 30s. The first is simply that the dating pool is smaller; a lot of the people who were marriage-minded in their 20s and now married in their 30s. Once you hit your 30s, the dating pool is mostly comprised of three groups: people who just aren’t interested in getting married (often players), people who may want to get married but have a lot of baggage from past relationships and/or aren’t sure of exactly what they want, and a smaller group of people who do want to get married and know exactly what they want. All of these groups are potentially problematic: if you want a serious relationship, you have to identify and avoid the players; if you come across a person who may want a serious relationship but has issues, you have to try to navigate those issues throughout the relationship (these are the people I believe others refer to when they say they don’t want to settle, and I tend to agree that those relationships can be too challenging to make it worth it); finally meeting a person who does want a relationship and who knows what they want can be great, if you happen to meet that person’s criteria (and vice versa), but there is also the challenge of not being too rigid with those criteria.

    The second issue with dating in your 30s is that most of us have learned to see the warning signs early. That’s what I see in your examples, anyway. The 20 y/os see that something isn’t working, and will say that it shouldn’t be that way if it’s right. The 30 y/os just see warning signs. They see that it just isn’t right, and recommend that you don’t waste your time. For a lot of us in our 30s, the reason behind the red flag isn’t important (e.g., maybe s/he’s just too busy to call), just seeing the red flag is enough (e.g., someone who is really interested and knows how to treat their partner well will find a way to make contact, no matter what). I don’t think it’s a matter of not being able to fall head over heels in love- I think it’s a matter of watching carefully for red flags in order to avoid losing too much time on a guy/woman who turns out to be a bad catch.

    I think that once you do find a good person, even in your 30s and up, often the relationship evolves pretty quickly. The flip side of seeing red flags early on is that you can usually see the good stuff early on, too. I’ve seen people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and even 60s find good, solid relationships. It’s not only possible- I think it’s probable.

    This comment is long enough to be a blog post on it’s own. Great topic, though.

  22. bejeweled

    We’re not uglier, we’re wiser. Stronger. Smarter. “I think men pursue women in their 20’s more than an older woman. But why?” Well, in my experience, it’s because we’ve been through the muck and we now know what we want. Men can sense a ‘put together, know’s her shit’ type of women which happens to come with age. On behalf of a woman who’s in her 30’s, unattached and looking but not getting anywhere, I truly belive it’s because I am independent. I can take care of my self. I have my own house, my own securities & money in the bank. When talking about falling in love, I am not at all naive, starry eyed, or throw caution to the wind at every man that sniffs my way. To some, maybe I should be less cynical, but in today’s society, I do not want to be part of the divorced statistic. Wome in their 30’s are more pratical, more level headed, & are street smart. Have I become hard and jaded? In a way, yes, but men don’t help us unlock those feelings either. I hate to be on my soap box, but you’ve hit on a topic very close to home. I’ve dated both the 20 & 30 somethings and have experienced everything you wrote about. Men in their 20’s have their lives ahead of them, with little or no scars. Men in their 30’s have most likely been dragged through the mud and would rather have a casual relationship than have to put forth any effort. All I know is I agree that it is no picnic being 31 & single.

  23. cosmic shambles

    Syrin and bejeweled: You both emphasize that guys are not interested in women in their 30’s because these women are more independent, wise, practical and intelligent. Are you kidding? this is exactly why I date women in their 30’s. If I did not care about these qualities I would simply date the hottest 21-year-old I could find.

    I know we are speaking in generalizations here, but my view can’t be THAT much of an anomoly. I agree with Jennetic (as always!), it’s not that we would rather have a casual relationship but perhaps we know better what qualities we are looking for in a woman and are better able to identify them. When I was 25 I would pursue any woman who even hinted that she may be interested in me. Now in my 30’s I actually have set some standards for myself in terms of what I am looking for in a relationship and a potential “life partner”. If that means that my pool has become more narrow, fine. But perhaps your pool of potential suitors has dwindled as well.

    It is interesting that you both mention divorce as well. I would venture a guess that males who are married at 25 are divorced at a higher rate than men at 35.

    Velvet: I know I’m a shitty blogger. It will pick up if I ever get a date.

  24. cosmic shambles

    One more thing. Whenever I date a woman who has been through a divorce, I let her know that this is a “plus” in my view. Not a requirement, but a huge positive. Why? Because I feel like they have “been through the muck” and may actually know what they want from a partnership… that this experience has allowed them to grow and understand the realities of a relationship rather than the illusions they may have had in their 20’s. Women are often surprised that I look at their divorce in such a positive light.

    It also helps if they are hot.

  25. Siryn

    CS, we will agree to disagree.

  26. playfulindc

    I still say it’s WHERE you were that made the difference in how men behaved around you. Also, maybe at that time, you were dressed differently, actually looked when they honked, maybe smiled back, etc.

  27. hedonistic

    The problem with dating in our 20’s is that young adults get most of our ideas about romance from television (or movies). Unfortunately, “the media” lies to us, and in turn makes liars of us all as we do what we THINK we ought to be doing to get laid and find love.

    This goes for men as well as for women.

    The transition you’re talking about (going from 28 to 30ish) happens to everyone when they take a long hard look at themselves and think . . .

    What. The. Fuck?

    Even DCB is going through it today (his birthday); check it out.

    What happens next is what happens to everyone when they finally decide to get real.

  28. DC_Cookie

    Can I just say, in the last few weeks I have moved from a 36 year old commitment-phobe with zero enotional availability to a 25 year old who thinks I’m the best thing he’s ever met.

    Thankfully, it’s keeping me young.

    But amen. Here’s to hoping that schedules and responsibilities don’t fully take over our spontaneity…

  29. Garfield

    This is simple. Men want to be with women in their 20’s because it feeds their egos. These young sluts make them feel like big men by feeding their egos and looking up to them. A younger woman is much more likely to be impressed by his accomplishments than a woman of his own age. Men also feel as though they have more control in these sorts of situations.

    Incidentally, this is also why so many men get divorced from their “equal” wives and then marry hair dressers or aerobics instructors. They don’t want to be challenged. They want to feel like kings.

  30. cosmic shambles

    DC_Cookie Said: “…to a 25 year old who thinks I’m the best thing hes ever met.”

    Let me translate this for you: He’s having the best sex of his life thus far… however it will not be until he is in his 30’s that he will finally discover what he really wants from a long-term relationship.

  31. Hey Pretty

    I’m not in my 30s quite yet (almost) but I can say that for me it’s simply a matter of being tired of things not working out. It’s exhausting.

  32. Velvet

    Siryn – I’ve often thought if I had my choice for one Lifetime partner and several long term relationships, I’d take door #2. Definitely.

    La Whisky – I do hope you are right, but then why are so many of our flings burning out after a month or two? It’s annoying.

    Moni – I read that, and you all should too! It was funny, and yet, made me feel better too.

    Old Lady – Yes, the first love is unparalleled, but I find that my thoughts about my 2nd and 3rd love have just as much sweetness to them. Until I remember the reason we broke up. In order: Still pumps gas at the same gas station as 15 years ago; Alcoholic; Grew Apart. Hmmph.

    Bilious – I hate you and Cancer Sucks. And since you are one in the same…makes the hate that much more focused. Fucking behave yourself. This is not a place for you to seek attention. We are discussing real issues here. Don’t make me ban you. (Oh how fun that would be.)

    Twoste – Are they out there?

    Luck O’ The Irish – Yes, true. I also think it’s funny that the first commenters on this post and the last one are mostly the 30+ crowd.

    NotCarrie – I know! I’m sorry! But that show is sooooo annoying.

    Barbara – Okay, so you think that it is also due in part to us getting dulled by the love thing as we age? That makes sense. I do like to believe that I somehow have changed too, because if it’s just “the men” who have changed, then it definitely means I’ve gotten uglier. Cause there’d be no other excuse.

    MellyMel – Eh. I’m not so sure anymore. Really. I’m sparing the drama, but I just can’t deal with all these games. Maybe I’ll turn Velvet into a knitting blog? Okay. Maybe I’m not that far gone. Speaking of knitting, I hear that’s what they are doing in our Virginia division while they wait for their Pink Slips.

    Jennetic – Okay. That make sense. And it would explain why when I have a failed relationship like with NewJersey, when I saw so much good, it was harder to get over. Well, not for me, I recover from all relationships in 3 days max, but it was still a pickle. Problem is I’m seeing less and less “good” in the men I date.

    Bejeweled – You ain’t kidding. This IS no picnic. But I’ve resigned myself to being alone, and I’m okay with that. I just don’t see the kind of quality man I want to spend my life with. Shit, I don’t see the kind of quality man I want to spend 1 night with.

    Cosmic – You are an anomaly, but I’m going to guess it has something to do with you NOT LIVING IN D.C. Seriously. I think people are more genuine in the “not NY / DC / LA” places. And I know what you mean about the divorced woman. I would jump at dating a divorced man (without kids) for the same reason. He would most likely appreciate me more. Well, we can hope.

    And with that comment on DC vs. Baltimore and smaller cities, there’s Playful to confirm. True. How are the men in your parts hon???

    Hedonistic – Yeah, but what happens when people decide to get realistic and the rest of the world isn’t there with them? Half those people, maybe more, end up in the wrong marriage. The game is tiring. I saw DCB’s post. Shoot. He’s too young to be sick of it all, but he probably also didn’t spend many years tied up in his 20’s in a long term relationship. But I know a lot of us girls did.

    Cookie – So glad to see you, and hear you are on the emotional mend. Well, seems you are through it! Good for you. “Emotionally unavailable” seems to sum up all the men in their 30’s who I’ve encountered.

    Garfield – An interesting point. There is allegedly something in men that makes them want to “save us” and protect us. They can’t do that with the independent women, so they look for women who are more dependent.

    Cosmic – Cut the gal a break. She JUST GOT out of a long term relationship. I would bet that while it’s none of our business, his attention isn’t about sex.

    Hey Pretty – Yes. While I miss those “all night” conversations with a new man, that aspect of investing so much time and losing so much sleep is not appealing when faced with the reality that it might not work out anyway.

    This topic is crazy. It really gets a lot of people going. Wow. I’ll come back with something lighter and funnier tomorrow. This one has been in the hopper for a long time. I think you’ll like.

  33. johnny

    i was just about to write to kathrynon that we dont fall in love in our 30s… or we do, it just takes massively longer and more energy.

  34. Stef

    I’m just catching up, but all I have to add is that alls I know is I know nothing. I just found out YET AGAIN that my latest crush is YET AGAIN gay. 20’s or 30’s, doesn’t matter, I can pick out the least available man out there.

  35. Drunken Chud

    i’d so date you. and call you my sugar momma. but, i’m not built like a typical boy toy. so… ya know… call me.

  36. donkeydamus

    “Is it because they think a woman in her 20s will be somehow easier to date? Less commitment-seeking? Not operating off some biological clock? Is it because they think a woman in her 30s is on to their tricks? Is it because a women who is somehow together doesnt leave any room for them to be the savior?”

    For me personally, I just find women in their late 20’s a lot more physically attractive than women who are in their 30’s. It does have an impact because the first thing I will notice is whether I am attracted physically to a woman. The second is whether we have some sort of rapport or connection. The best gf’s I’ve ever had where the ones where we each “got” one another almost instantly. Call it chemistry or whatever but it was there. You do really need both to make a go of it.
    Again, just my opinion, but whether a woman has a good career or good job is probably about the least important thing to me. In fact, I’ve know many woman lawyers who despite their career really don’t have it “together” due to their unhappiness with their job and personal lives.
    Anway, just one guy’s opinion

  37. Fabulous

    I think it’s a combo of being jaded from ALL of those times in your twenties that you “JUMPED IN” & it NOT working out and just being tired of the whole “game”. I think we lose patience by our thirties b/c of all of the past experiences. However, I have to say, I had truly given up. I didn’t really “date” for three & 1/2 years & concentrated on ME. And then one day… I stumbled upon the most amazing man & I became open to all of the things I had shunned. I guess it really is all finding the “right” person. No one else had made me even WANT to jump back into the fray, before. ~ Fab
    P.S. Of course, if it doesn’t work out.. I will just go back to being selfish & jaded ; )~

  38. zenchick

    Okay, I know I’m behind in reading and therefore jumping into this WAY late, but I just wanted to both agree and disagree with you, Velvet. I think there is, unfortunately, a lot of truth to what you say about the dating pool/dating issues within general age ranges. Then again, I am hopeful (but realistic): I am going to a cousin’s wedding this weekend. She is 49, getting married for the first time, has already adopted a baby (which he is going to adopt; he is divorced with 2 kids) and she couldn’t be happier. AND it made all the other years of singlehood, angst, and failed relationships melt away. This cousin used to say to me, being older: “find someone now…it only gets harder as you get older” (“thanks a LOT”, I would think) and now says to me, “You have so much to look forward to!”
    Having said that, may I also add an “AMEN, sister” to everything you have said. And you know what? One of my most important relationships was when I was 33 and dated a 25yo and HE came after ME…and then it was him that ultimately left.
    Dangerous it is, applying generalizations too liberally. But yeah, I hear ya, loud and clear. (and I’m in Baltimore 🙂 )

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