It pays to read your stats. Otherwise, I would have not found out about this:
Sometimes it’s nice not to whine about dating. And have people notice that sometimes I can write snark that counts. And on that note…
Today I returned home and began my nightly race, The Dupont 500, in search of parking. I noticed a cop standing on the corner of my block, talking to a girl I sort of know from the dog park. I circled the block, parked speedracer, and walked home. The cop was still on the corner, but this time he was talking to another girl, the epitome of a yuppie chick from Connecticut – blond hair fresh out of rollers, the L.L. Bean Tote, Lily Pulitzer skirt, white cardigan and pearls. She was digging in said L.L. Bean Tote and I could hear the cop say, “Ma’am, you crossed AGAINST the light…” Well well well. The cops finally got off their asses to do something about this out of control situation we have brewing here in the district.
As I’ve said in the comments in other blogs today, I almost ran over a stupid girl this morning while driving down 17th Street. To me, crossing against the “Don’t Walk” sign is acceptable only when you don’t see any other cars coming. However, since our world is vastly made up of stupid people, like the dumb bitch this morning who jumped out in front of my car, they need to be told when to stand on the sidewalk and when they can cross.
I go upstairs to get the doggies, leash them up and head back downstairs to see if I can chat up the officer and get the story. I start with the usual Velvet charm, “Officer, where were you this morning when a girl jumped out in front of my car and I almost hit her?” He laughed. Then he told me that based on all the pedestrians who have been hit recently, they are cracking down. He said he’s writing tickets to everyone crossing against the light, and it’s citywide for the next 30 days. Amen. It is about time. I asked him when they are going after the bikers, and he said, “They’re on the list too.” Fucking Awesome.
People, let me help you with something. Are you smart enough to cross the street yourself? Most of you. But, what if a car comes out of an alley, just on the other side of that intersection you are crossing? That car does NOT have to yield to anything when it has the green light, except for an ambulance or a cop. You have foolishly been led to believe that “Pedestrians always have the right of way.” Not true. You, as the pedestrian, are not allowed to be in the street, crosswalk or otherwise, until the light turns in your favor. Ten years ago, when I lived up north, this was very simple for my fellow New Yorkers to understand. I hear it has gotten bad up there now too. But you people here in D.C.? You’re complete morons. Why? Keep reading.
When you are standing on a corner, trying to cross, and you SEE A COP WITH HIS TICKET BOOK OUT, STARING AT YOU, don’t you think that oh, maybe, just maybe you should quickly become law abiding? I’m not high and mighty. Believe me. Thora and Sammy rarely find themselves on a leash. But you can bet your ass when I see a cop, I don’t saunter by him, almost begging him to give me a ticket. I leash those dogs up in a split second. Come on. How dumb are you? I sat at my window and watched pedestrian after stupid pedestrian get caught and ticketed. Hilarious.
While I’m up on my soapbox, let’s discuss those of you on bikes. People, according to the District of Columbia’s Department of Transportation (DCDOT) you riding your bicycles are considered vehicles. This means that you ride to the right of the road, not bobbing and weaving down the middle of K Street during rush hour. I hate playing whack-a-mole with you idiots on your bikes. This also means that you stop at red lights. You can’t make the rules apply to you when you want, and ignore them the other times. Also, you do not get to take up a lane on 17th Street in the mornings. You are a bicycle. Get over to the side of the road and stop at the lights like every other vehicle. Don’t believe me? Read this.
The problem here is that there are just too many of us using the roads. Walkers, bikers and car drivers. I prefer to make the stupid people move out to the ‘burbs but I know we can’t do that. Living harmoniously is hard. But if people follow the laws and the cops actually enforce them, it can work. Start giving a few tickets and publicize it and watch this city shape up. Of course, one more thing is needed for there to be less accidents and better traffic flow. Brace yourself, I’m about to give away a huge secret on how this whole operation can work better. I’m not throwing this around for shits and giggles. I’m serious. Ready? It’s called “being courteous.” I know. You have no idea what I’m talking about.
Courteous is not walking against a “don’t walk” light.
Courteous is not deciding as a biker that you can pass a car and so you dodge out into the middle of the road in front of cars around you are going much faster.
Courteous is not forcing your car into a crosswalk when there are people who have the “walk” light, trying to get through that crosswalk.
Courteous is remembering that you live and/or work in a city that is population dense. If you hate living in such close proximity to other people, then I would like to refer you to houses my company is building on the Maryland/Pennsylvania border. Your nearest neighbor is miles away. And there are no crosswalks.