Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Can’t Imagine What Else Could Go Wrong

Shh…do you hear that? No? You can’t hear that?

It’s the sound of Velvet pulling out all her hair. Currently I’m in the middle of malfunctioning electronic hell. My air conditioning is busted and my favorite toy is jacked up to a battery charger because that too is dead. A SarcasticGayMan I know said I’m having “bad luck with electronics.” Well, thankfully not all electronics. So here I sit, amidst panting dogs, in an overheated apartment, wishing for a cool breeze to kick in and for this damn bike to start. And it’s 10:00. Good lord. Where did the weekend go?

Friday I met one Whisky Pants for some drinky-poos and Ethiopian Food. I felt like cracking that joke, “What are we going to have, two empty plates?” but I behaved. That Whisky Pants, she’s a smart one by the way. She’s much better suited to give advice than I am. And much nicer to the drunk tourists and bus stop dwellers.

On to Saturday. I went to the Yankees Nats game with DCOE. Now, to read DCOE’s recap of the game, my lord. Too funny. And true. And sad. I have to say, I was really surprised to see so many Yankees fans out there. I would have worn my New York shirt just for a show of support, since I am from those parts, but I thought it would be tacky to wear a non-home team shirt to a Nats game when I clearly live in D.C. Um. I was wrong. The Yankees fans were out in herds. By the end of the day though, I was glad I hadn’t worn it. I love my Yanks but the fans are just way too obnoxious.

The first thing I noticed about the crowd was, “Where the hell did all these hot guys come from?” I have never seen so many good looking men in one place. Where do they live? Arlington? Alexandria? Further out? Or are they not from here? DCOE and I were shocked. I contemplated asking one of them what bars he frequents, just for a social experiment, but I was too chicken. (Here comes an ode to DCOE.) And by chicken I mean, not drunk enough.

The game became quite intense, prompting DCOE to say in the 8th Inning, “Well, now we have a baseball game!!” I realized that while I will always miss NY and forever consider it home, I’m glad I don’t live there anymore. New Yorkers are too easy to pick out of a crowd. I like making people guess, I don’t want it to be obvious where I’m from. But how can you pick these people out? Is it their accents? Maybe. Is it their obnoxious booing and such when the Nats hit a homer? Maybe. Is it their overgelled hair that contains more product than the shelves at Bang Salon? Maybe. But what really gives it away is the gold chains. People from New York seem to be the only ones left on the planet who still wear yellow gold. I think I melted mine down in the 80’s and made a spoon out of it, but whatever. Platinum and White Gold people! Gah. I’m trying to reason with a crowd that still uses Aqua Net. Okay, I’ll save my breath.

So…back to check on the progress of bike charging and to plan the funeral for my thermostat. It seems that somehow it got broken into several pieces when the air wouldn’t turn on today. I’m not sure how that happened. I think it may have had something to do with the fist that punched it. Several times. That fist by the way, is extremely tan thanks to the sun that shone all weekend long.


  1. Sandra Dee

    I couldn’t have contained myself with the Ethiopian “empty plate” comment.

    I’m going straight to hell.

  2. Bill

    Yeah, corporal punishment doesn’t seem to be an effective teaching method for appliances. I’ve tried it too. But the pieces of your thermostat are really contemporary art that everyone can relate to. Maybe there’s a market. Hmm. How would you describe this for eBay?

    Hope your lovely tanned fist won’t turn purple.

  3. Scarlet

    Aw, reminds me of the Navy/Notre Dame game I went to a few years back. I should have known when my friend got the tickets from her Catholic church that we’d be in Irish country. I almost got in a fight cheering for Navy!

  4. Reya Mellicker

    I, too, saw SO many Yankees hats and shirts this weekend. I was kind of shocked – how impolite to wear them on the streets.

    Love the name “pulsatron.”

    Stay cool, if possible!

  5. La Whisky

    Terrible news about the AC. I hope it will be fixed very soon, but have a fan if you need it.

    Next time you need someone to find out where the hot guys hang out, let me know. I no longer feel any embarrassment about running that sort of errand.

  6. Siryn

    Awesome. Seeing how all the folks bucking for baseball in the District happen to have too much disposable income, it could work out really great if you hooked up with one of them! Of course, if they’re shallow assholes, bipolar, alcoholic, or somesuch that would ruin the deal.

  7. Sweet

    I was at the Nats and Yanks game yesterday, and I agree the Yankee fans were pretty loud. I was stunned! It seemed like every play, good or bad, got cheered. I tried videoing the cheering, if I put it up on YouTube I’ll send ya the link.

  8. Elvis

    Hot DC guys, like hot DC girls, are all around you Velvet. You just have to know where to find them. If you really need to ask, the answer is axiomatic — your circle of friends is insular. I would say, make friends with as many people as you can (even those you despise). You’ll eventually meet a friend of a friend of a friend who just got to town, lives in Alexandria, and … is single (and goes to Nat’s games). Peace.

  9. doubleonegative

    Gold chains and over-gelling are so out they’re almost back in. It’s like the new mullet– only it stains your pillows and turns your neck green.

    I, for one, plan on purchasing a new “FBI – Full Blooded Italian” t-shirt this week.

  10. Buttercup

    I kinda miss AquaNet (North Jersey in da house!). I mean, I don’t use it anymore, propellants and all, but nothing really sealed your hair quite like that airborne shellac. *sniffle* *tear*

  11. Bilious Pudenda

    Velvet, Velvet, Velvet!
    Are you not aware that riding a motorcycle will most assuredly hasten the ruination of the organs of matrimonial necessity?
    Why it is simply axiomatic and insular!

  12. Tyler

    That’s sad that the bike is out of comission! I hope it gets all charged up and out on the road soon!

  13. Pele

    I was at the game too – and my biggest questions was, “where did all these hot guys come from?” Too bad you didn’t ask where they hang out! I would like to know…

  14. mappyb

    Ah, the yellow gold. That is so true….
    I think people in central Illinois still rock those chains as well.

    Stay cool, our AC isn’t broken, but it’s window, and cools in a 2 foot radius. 🙂

  15. johnny

    your toy is big, made of steel and gets to be straddled by you


  16. Mel

    A yankee fan… I didn’t know. Even as a diehard Red Sox fan, I still find you highly entertaining.

    hubby is a NY fan so I usually keep my thoughts to myself.

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