Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Don’t Let Some Hell Bent Heart Leave You Bitter

A couple quick things first.

1) I’m still in touch with the Police. The Sarge, who I now love, said she is having trouble locating exactly who was driving that car. The car is coming up as one of theirs, but she said it could be her station or another station. I told her the car was parked outside 7-11 again, this time in a real spot, but with no officer nearby, and that it’s definitely a cop car. She has to do more checking around then she will get back with me today. Something interesting – he was in a light blue uniform, as opposed to the normal dark blue, which she said means he could be from another overlying district. Anyway, I’m in limbo. I don’t think I’m getting the runaround, I think this guy probably isn’t from her station and she can’t quickly figure out who it is.

2) I got an email from one Virgile Kent yesterday. He attached pictures from his camera from the infamous night at Eye Bar. I continue to be amazed at the things that happened that night of which I have no recollection. Those pictures contain proof that apparently someone, and I’m not naming names (Cough, me) may have shown some things on camera normally reserved for the occasional boyfriend and the inside of my bra. So, I told my boss about it. Convo mode.

Boss: This night is sounding more and more like someone slipped you the date rape drug.
Velvet: Why would someone do that?
Boss: Um…I think you know.
Velvet: Yeah, but whoever he was I would have probably had sex with him anyway, so why bother drugging me? Besides, my jeans are so tight that you would almost need me to be conscious to help get them off.
Laughter and head shaking from boss.

That was tongue in cheek people. Try not to take it seriously. Well, the tight jeans part is true. Every time I go to buy jeans and come out of the dressing room the girl says, “They are too big. Get a smaller size. They stretch out a lot.” And I reply, “Are you sure? Because I think they just pushed my hips so close together that I may not be able to deliver any children by the standard method.”


This morning on my walk with the loves of my life, some construction worker leaned out the window of his truck and did the catcall whistle at me. How cliche. But, living in the city, I haven’t had that happen to me in, well, a long ass time. I round the corner and attempt to cross the street and Thora just stops in the middle of the road. I turn around and say, “Thora, come on, you can’t stop there.” There is a guy passing us, going in the other direction, and he turns around and says to Thora, “If you don’t want to go with the pretty lady, then you can go where I’m going and I’ll go home with her.”

Hmmph. Had I temporarily lost my mojo and somehow got it back?

So it got me thinking – about all the kinds of men and experiences I’ve had with them. Then I came up with an analogy. It applies to women too but for my purposes we’re going to just use men as the example.

Meeting and learning about a man is like peeling an onion. There’s the outside layer, which is the barrier, and not very easy to get through. It’s dry and crusty and not very inviting. Sometimes you really have to try hard to penetrate it. Once you are inside, you have to peel the layers back. Sometimes there’s dirt between the layers and you have to decide, “Is this worth washing or should I just toss it out?” Sometimes the layers are deep and the onion gets juicier, the more you dig, the better it gets. Or, you can dig and find out that some of the layers are rotting – from the inside out. You can ultimately get to the core, and, well, there could be a giant game of twister going on in there, proving that you’ve wasted your time, or the core of the onion could end up being the sweetest part, and totally worth plowing through.

Is the guy who hung out the window of his truck to whistle at me an onion with a lot of layers? Probably not. What you see is what you get with that type, he wears his heart on his sleeve and tells people what he thinks when he’s thinking it.

I’ve not gotten past a layer or two in the last year of dating. And if I have, there’s a bunch of dirt in there. I’ve tried, and maybe I’m ready to try again. At least, during the rain storm, when the clouds cleared, I thought, “Hmm. It would be funny to have a bad date to write about.”

But it would be even better to have a good one.


  1. Notcarrie

    I hope we both get some good dates soon. (No bad ones!)

  2. KassyK

    Love this post…and we are feeling the same way bc I just wrote a post comparing cars to men in my life. Great minds. And hells YEA you have your mojo back. Get it!! 😉

  3. Raincouver

    I love the tight jeans… that’s hillarious!!

    What about the guy who was passing by, distracting Thora? You gotta give him points for coming up with that line on a whim. Maybe he deserves to be peeled a bit?

    Hmmm… that sounds gross, but you get what I mean. 🙂

  4. Raincouver

    [software ate my comment again]

    I love the tight jeans story – hillarious!
    As for the guy passing by… points for coming up with that line on a whim. You should give him a chance! 🙂

  5. I-66

    Seriously, Raincouver’s right. Good thinking by that guy on his feet.

    And if Shrek taught me anything, it’s that ogres are like onions.

  6. I-66

    oh, and by the way…

    “Hey baby… you may think I’m like an onion, but I sure won’t make you cry”


  7. Tyler

    He He He… Nice line I-66.

    And I’ll toast to good dates.

  8. Bill

    1) Does it make anyone else nervous that there’s some guy running around as a cop and another cop can’t figure out who he is? Oh, right, it’s DC and nothing works. Or he’s with the Soybean Police from the Dept of Agriculture or something.

    unnumbered 3) Really, onions? K^2’s lookin’ to give away a Jag or a Volvo. Not sure which.

  9. zenchick

    this just goes to show you that tastes in blog posts is sooooooooo subjective…I can’t believe this only got 5 comments!
    I just wanted to say that
    1. I think everyone is like an onion, in that metaphoric-kinda-way, and
    2. that’s actually a metaphor used in Eastern philosophy/practice (meditatin, t’ai chi, yoga)
    Rock on, spiritual Velvet!

  10. QofQ

    Damn it would be great to have a good one. Granted a bad one gives a good story to tell, but the absurdity of all mine is even starting to get boring and freakishly predictable. I realized the other day, its been years since I’ve been wowed. Well, wowed by someone that I was receptive to. What cosmic event has to happen to make the two coincide? Sounds like you and I are do for another night out…though we’re yet to be wowed that way…we still have fun during the in-the-moment distraction. Open your schedule, cause Ive been making a list of things we MUST do when you get back!

  11. Velvet

    NotCarrie – Yeah, and we have to go out. With NotMiranda.

    KK – I checked your blog before I ran out and didn’t see, so I must go look. This is really too funny! Peeps! We swear, we don’t plan this shit!

    Raincouver (the 1st time) – Yeah, but he was, um, how shall I say…um. “No one’s type” comes to mind.

    Raincouver (the 2nd time) – Sorry this happens. My software tosses new people into moderation. So, even if you have commented, if for some reason you have a new IP, it doesn’t make it through. I’m not sure why it’s doing this, but you should be through at this point. I’d take the moderation but I would get pummeled with Viagra spam. And trust me kids, if I had a penis, there would be no viagra needed. That thing would be “on” 24/7.

    I66 – both 1st and 2nd time – You are too funny. And I LOVE that pic of you on VK’s blog!

    (Psst. Tyler. Over here. Don’t encourage I66…) Ok. Kidding.

    Bill – I just used your line at work with my boss. I said, “Should we be nervous that one cop can’t find another?” And you are right. I would have attributed it to you but then I’d have to admit I’ve been blogging today during work.

    ZenChick – Um. Hmm. Well, you’re #9, but I wonder if these things are loading in some random order. Could be. It’s like Phantom Software. The onion is used in other places? Damn. I thought I was on to something.

    Q of Q – After Sunday, my schedule is finally clear. The last two weeks have been jam packed of stuff, and I’ve made zero plans for the next couple weeks so I can regroup. Me tired. And Me need some lovin. So let’s go find it.

  12. Twoste

    That’s not mojo! That’s the equivalent of men in heat.
    And it’s hot outside, which makes men hot in general. And hot for women.
    I don’t know.
    Cool! Be proud…you are woman.

  13. doubleonegative

    i’m a funyun.

  14. johnny

    I asked ipod…

    “Tired of waiting for you” — the Kinks

  15. Chico's Bail Bonds

    “When you come close to selling out, reconsider…”

  16. KassyK

    I took it down…touched on another sensitive issue and didn’t feel like drama today. It’s been replaced though. 🙂 Shake what yo mama gave you.

  17. Chuckles

    I thought men were supposed to be hamburgers? Or was that chunks of stone?

    MARTIANS! That’s right men are martians who wear little Roman centurian helmets and women are venusians that wear nothing and ride around in clam shells.

  18. Mel

    I know others mentioned it, but I felt it worthy to repeat… onions (men and other creatures with layers) always make you cry so hard that you can’t see and then you cut your fingers with the knife…

  19. Bill

    Velvet! I’m just shocked that you’d steal my words. Shocked. You’ll be hearing from my attorney in the morning. Moxie, you there? By the time we’re done with you, you’ll be just fine in those skinny jeans 😉

    Really, I love the onion analogy!

  20. cosmic shambles

    I smell like an onion… does that count?

  21. Oface

    Ok…here’s my two cents and a bag of chips ahoy.

    Your fucking, let me restate that, your fucking insane. Cops are evil revengeful bastards who hold grudges. If you go thru with this be prepared to have a giant bullseye spray painted on your car, apt, and laptop bag for the next 365 days. I personally would let it go, plus the lady thats helping ain’t helping you. She’s just gonna let you cool off for a couple of days until you stop calling……

  22. Notcarrie

    Yes, soon!

  23. barbara

    Before I was in the mood to meet a permanent partner, I would go out with just about anybody. One of my favorite memories was Greg, a guy who worked in the produce department of Giant. I probably met him while I was choosing my onions. He was a lot like your guy in the truck, not a lot of layers, but nothing rotten. You need some of those types in the mix too.

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