Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

You Ain’t As Green As You Are Young

Last night the evening got away from me faster than Suri Cruise will run from her nutjob parents when she’s 18. I had initially decided I couldn’t make the Happy Hour in Adam’s Morgan. But, I ended up stopping by and saw the usual suspects. What I didn’t count on was that one of the four people sitting up at the bar would be a friend from the dog park. A friend whose dog, Lincoln, is Thora’s boyfriend. Yes, my dog has a boyfriend. Just be happy I’ve spared you the Sammy and Thora blog though.

Now, keep in mind…the bartender still works at Pharaoh’s.

My friend, who I won’t name until he says it’s okay or we come up with a fun alias for him, came over and sat down. I said, “You know, I have a funny story…” And he says, “Yeah, I already know. You and the bartender.”

How on earth does that little fucker beat me to it each and every time? Lord. Apparently the conversation went like this:

Bartender to my dog park friend: Hey, are you here for the blogger happy hour?
My friend: No, what?
Bartender: Yeah, these are bloggers. I used to date this one girl…
(Blah blah. I don’t know how the rest of this goes, but shortly thereafter, I walk in.)
Bartender: Her. There she is.
My friend, seeing that it’s me: HER?
Bartender: Yeah, I’m the Bartender.

So my friend relates this conversation to me and I just can’t stop laughing. First of all, NO ONE RECALLS MY BLOG from almost a year ago when this dating occurred. And second, I’ve heard that this same conversation happened between the Bartender and one PlayfulinDC last winter. Except that when she told it, she said that he asked her if she knew me, she said yes, and he said, as he grabbed his own shirt with both hands, up by each shoulder mind you, “Yeah? Well, I’M THE BARTENDER.” (It’s like the Wiz in New York. “I’m the Wiz…I’m the Wiz” – or maybe that’s from Seinfeld, yeah, the real commercial was “Nobody beats the Wiz.” Except that someone did because I think they are out of business.)

So. The Bartender finds it necessary to put his arms around my friend and say, “Yeah, we’re buds now.” Why are my worlds colliding? Is it possible I have made the entire circle through the D.C. social and dating scene and it’s time to move?

All of this is hilarious. What is even more hilarious is that someone is up to no good this morning. I’ve sat idly by watching as people search for some fucked up shit related to me, but this? I’m especially amused by “bar sex.” For the record, I don’t know what he told you my friend, or anyone else for that fact, but: WE DID NOT HAVE SEX IN PHARAOH’S!! WE JUST MADE OUT!

Maryland, Baltimore, United States, 0 returning visits

Date Time WebPage
20th July 2006 11:04:34 AM
20th July 2006 11:06:03 AM
20th July 2006 11:06:41 AM
20th July 2006 11:07:08 AM bartender&submit=Search
20th July 2006 11:09:00 AM sex&submit=Search bartender&submit=Search
20th July 2006 11:09:50 AM sex&submit=Search
20th July 2006 11:10:11 AM

Yeah. Gotcha.

Bar sex? Huh.

UPDATE ~ 15 minutes after posting. Um, do you people have lives? I use the word “bar” and “sex” in almost every post. This search ain’t gonna get you anywhere. Hellooooo Tacoma Washington though.

Washington, Tacoma, United States, 30 returning visits

Date Time WebPage
20th July 2006 11:52:11 AM
No referring link
20th July 2006 11:57:18 AM
20th July 2006 11:57:56 AM
20th July 2006 11:58:14 AM
20th July 2006 12:03:30 PM
No referring link
20th July 2006 12:14:24 PM
No referring link

Tacoma’s order of ops? Goes to blog. Takes five minutes to read post. Then, very interestingly, goes straight to November, 2005. Aah. You have a good memory my west coast friend. Scrolls to 2nd page of November, can’t find mention of Bartender. Goes to Search Box. Types in “Bar Sex.”


Update 2 ~

Add Ontario, Canada to the list of people searching “bar” and “sex.” People. all it’s going to return to you is basically EVERY SINGLE ENTRY I’VE WRITTEN!

Ontario, Toronto, Canada, 9 returning visits

Date Time WebPage
20th July 2006 12:27:45 PM
20th July 2006 12:31:50 PM

Ok. I’m done calling all you people out. I shall sit back and watch though. Funny funny.


  1. KassyK

    LOVE IT!! HAHA. I love when you are famous and don’t even realize it and better yet…that this bartender thinks HE is famous. 😉

  2. I-66

    I can relate, kinda.

    A few years ago I had just broken up with a g/f and had to come into work to pick up a paycheck on a pre-direct deposit Friday.

    When I got there, I was told that a conversation was had 2 hours before between said ex (who had been known to visit me at work during out dating) and 2 coworkers

    Ex (walking into my work): …is [I-66] here?
    Co-worker 1: No, he’s off today.
    Ex: you know, I’m his ex-girlfriend
    Co-worker 2: Uh. Okay?
    Co-worker 1: We’ll… tell him you were here.

  3. homeimprovementninja

    Bartender: “I’m the bartender…yep. I’m sorta weighing my options at the moment. I mean, I wouldn’t turn down a book deal or anything, but I’d rather have my story done into a movie or something. Maybe Spielberg can direct it, I really love E.T. man. I mean, if worse comes to worse I’ll sell it to Aaron Spelling and let him turn my story into a made for TV movie.

    Blogger: Aaron Spelling is dead.

    Bartender: What? That’s fcuked up…who killed him?

    Blogger: He was like 90 years old.

    Bartender: Why would someone kill a 90 year old?

    Blogger: This bartending thing, it’s not just a temporary thing, it’s more a career for you isn’t it?

    Bartender: Yeah, how did you know.

    Blogger: I had a hunch.

  4. I-66

    Hey wait… that was last night. What the crap was I doing instead?

    Oh yeah. Being cooked alive.

    No matter. I haven’t been to a Pharaoh’s HH since the last one I saw you at, Velvet, with RC and AW.

  5. Raincouver

    Interesting… why is it that when I entered the word “Celibate” in the Search box, I get ZERO hits?


    Bwahahahaaaa! 🙂

  6. Scarlet

    Note to self: never search and click on a Velvet link.

  7. popcultured

    velvet – just read the entire ijl log…the ineptitude of these people is amazing…i will do what i can to help…

    ninja – f-ing hilarious…u have talent and should write the script…

  8. Siryn

    Too too funny. God bless statcounter.

  9. cosmic shambles

    V said: “Um, do you people have lives?”

    Ahhh, you know you love it! I’m on my computer all day at work so you know I’m checkin’ in on the regular with all of my favorite bloggers!

  10. Tacoma, washington!

    Hell-o Velvet in Dupont!

    Called out on my lurking, and timewasting at work (no it’s not timewasting, It’s Just Velvet!)

    Copied- Scarlett’s Note to self

  11. Velvet

    KK – The Bartender is a funny funny man.

    I66 – You sure do have some crazy exes. Didn’t you have one that RC/Sparkles had to block for you?

    Ninja – Oh, how you have been waiting for this moment to poke fun at me.

    I66 – I was there only a few minutes. Last night ended up being crazy busy for me.

    Raincouver – Because what you really entered was “Celibate HAAA HA HA HA” Come on, Stat Counter doesn’t lie. Don’t make me post that to prove you wrong!

    Scarlet – No, it’s not the outside searches. It’s people using the search box in my blog and looking for that stuff. Most of what people google search doesn’t get them here in a funny manner like you guys all get. That’s because I use lyrics from songs for my titles, so mostly I get people looking for the lyrics to a song and they find me instead.

    Popcultured – Oh no! What are you going to do? Just don’t sign up, please don’t sign up!

    Siryn – I know! I love it so much more than site meter.

  12. Velvet

    D’oh! My last comment crossed with Takoma Washington! HA HA!

    I was merely pointing out that every single post will inevitably include the words “bar” cause you know, I drink, and “sex” because um, well, we’ll just leave that one alone.

    As I said back to Scarlet, it’s not the search engine searches, it’s the ones inside my blog that are funny. I’ve seen some interesting things show up in that manner. Like, “Velvet ass sex.” What about me screams anal?

  13. popcultured

    im not gonna signup, just gonna look into a couple things…

  14. Tacoma, washington!

    You bloggers and your fancy toys, pretty soon you’ll be able to find out what other sites I go to and I’ll never get a tough rep with sites about “holiday sweater patterns” or “how to spend more time sleaping” and last but not least “vocabulary building for dummies” showing up.

    I just show up for the dog stories– Bring on the dog stories!!!

  15. Barbara

    I can see that you are totally in control of this Blog this time around. Not putting up with any shit. Bravo!

  16. Velvet

    Pop – This is gonna be good! I can’t wait!

    Tacoma – I was going to do a blog for the dogs, because they really are smarter than me. But, I googled “dogs dupont” one day, and found some blog, where this girl writes it for her dog. Then I realize she says, “I played with Lincoln today at the park” – and that would be the Lincoln I mention above. Coincidence..small neighborhood…eh. Anyway, I read her blog, and realized that Sammy and Thora having a blog would be funny to one person – me. So, I’ve spared you all. But I shall try to throw in some dog stories, because those little fuckers are way smarter than I could have imagined.

    To ease your mind, all I see is your city and what you do to find my blog – i.e. did you click from another blog.

  17. cosmic shambles

    V said: “What about me screams anal?”

    Those frilly panties!

  18. johnny

    i have no idea what all those links mean.

    is it davinci code for “you like anal?”


  19. Needtsza

    Guess I missed out on another blogger happy hour. I was wondering when one was going to occur as I even had a free few hours to get tipsy.

    Whatever. The Bartender huh? Maybe I’m in the wrong profession 😉

    Meanwhile, yea. People are hilarious with the searches they do and run into a blog. I’m overloaded with examples, so I won’t bore you

  20. Velvet

    Cosmic Shambles – All your searches for “Velvet loves anal” and “thora loves anal” and “Sammy Loves anal” – I never would have known it was you b/c you come up as D.C., not B-more, EXCEPT for the mere fact that you tossed in “Baltimore guys rock.” You are KILLING ME. Bad. Very bad. You and Johnny should team up. I’ll get the video cam!

    Needtsza – You missed the smaller happy hour in Adam’s Morgan. I saw your comment on my other post from a few weeks back. “I just want to know you.” Lord. Have I told you someone said that to me? And double oh Lord, it’s not you is it?

  21. Raincouver

    Okay, I tried again using just “Celibate”…
    Still ZERO hits!!!

    By the way, nothing in this blog says anal. Not even anal retentive. In fact, I find you quite easy-going, especially with the so-called date experts at “It’s Just Torture”. Which reminds me… has the BoroughsDude called you yet?

    I need to get myself a Stat counter 🙂

  22. cosmic shambles


  23. Needtsza

    no. i think you mentioned it at some point in your blog. or i got it from another one and found it ‘stalkerish’ and just fucked up. lord knows. i’m exhausted these days so who knows what i’m talking about.

    Yea. I used to live in A’morgan. I miss my home.

    Anyway. Sorry to have missed y’all once again

  24. Needtsza

    and no, i’m not ‘him’ or whoever

  25. prncess674

    Isn’t it effin funny to see how people search our blog. My ex says he doesn’t read but who the F’n else would search my blog for “the stephen debacle”

    I was born at night… just not last night.

  26. Washington Cube

    I’m loving this bartender. I have got to start reading my site meter. God knows what is lurking on there.

  27. Scarlet

    Ahhhh! Yeah, I use song titles for all of my posts so I get those searches, too. I think I’m the only one who uses the inside searching. Although a lot of people are getting to me because they need to cover up hickies. I need to write on that topic soon even though I have no advice for them.

  28. playfulindc

    Remember about how the bartender did that to me?

    Does he say anything else? Get your own life, dude.


  29. Mel

    Well maybe they’re hoping you’ll provide tips on how to have good bar sex.

    Funny stuff…

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