Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I’ve Spent My Life Waiting For That Famous Final Scene, I Believe You Know The One, Where She Falls In Love With Me

“Everyone has someone who comes into their life who they love more than that person loves them, everyone has someone who loves them more than they are loved, and everyone finds a balanced love.”

I blame Netflix. Not only did I cave and join this week, but I got my first three movies which were, “The Notebook,” “Walk The Line,” and “Crash.” I’m not much for a love story, but I’ve watched the first two, saving Crash for this weekend. I’m not here to do a movie review. I only use them to illustrate my point. Do people really love like this? In The Notebook, you can totally understand the enduring love that the two main characters had for each other, from the time they were 17, until their death, probably in their 80’s. I think most people naturally assume that that kind of love is something they will find in their lifetime.

Then I flash to my Uncle, in a nursing home, not doing very well, reflecting on his bachelor life all day between mistreatment sessions from the staff. It’s not a guarantee for all of us.

In the same day, I got a call from an ex which threw me back to another place and time. I didn’t answer the call, for reasons I will explain in a minute. But, this is my frame of mind yesterday when I walked into my delightful hour of power as I call it. The rest of you may just call it “therapy” – a necessity for me, an anxiety laden mess. Everything stresses me out. Obviously. It’s a legacy passed down from Mom and Dad. You may know them as Gloom and Doom.

Out of no where, in the hour of power, we stumble upon the “Velvet wants to move to Phoenix” conversation. She thinks I’m thinking it out very carefully, and if I go, in no way would she think I didn’t give D.C. enough of a chance or that it’s a hasty decision. From there we bounce from topic to topic, as is normal to do, and then I spit out, “Well, it wasn’t like that with Jack.” She says, “What? Who?” It occurs to me that in all the time I have been with my therapist, this incredibly important relationship has gone unmentioned. Holy Crap. So, here is what I tell her:

“I moved here the week after September 11. K and I broke up for the first time in November. He went back to Atlanta, and I stayed here since I was enrolled in grad school come January of ’02.”

Therapist asks, “What caused that breakup?”

“We had a major rift in our relationship, and that was that we weren’t having sex. At all. We tried everything, they changed my pill several times, took me off of it, we went on vacation. Nothing. We drove across the country and were on the road six months, and never had sex. I wish someone had told me that when the sex goes, that the relationship is over. It would have saved me probably 4 of the 6 years we were together. So, he’s gone, and I’m on my own now. I was working in Columbia, at a property under construction, and this flirtation developed with a man who was 42. I was 28 at that time. We tried to behave during work, but it was impossible. We started seeing each other outside work, and I basically moved in with him. We practically lived together almost a year, and here’s the bad part. He was separated, but not divorced.”

The therapist asks, “Define separated.”

“Separated as in him sleeping on the couch, her having a boyfriend or so we thought, him living up here Monday through Friday and returning to the house they shared in Petersburg, Friday night or Saturday morning for the weekend. I’m not saying it was right, but it wasn’t a difficult thing to justify. It was never an easy relationship, mostly because of the age difference. It didn’t bother me, but it bothered him tremendously, and he started accusing me of cheating on him. I would protest, explaining my schedule of waking up at his place at 6 a.m., driving from Bowie to Baltimore, dropping the dog off (remember I only had Sammy at that time,) going to work in Columbia, going back to Baltimore for some Sammy love, and then to class, then back to Baltimore to get Sammy, then to Jack’s place left me no time to cheat on him. He still didn’t believe me and eventually he wore me down. I started to miss my life with K, who was still very devastated that we had broken up.”

Therapist says, “Is this where he enters the scene again?”

I continue. “Not exactly. We started talking on the phone, but I was massively confused. I had this incredibly fulfilling sex life with a man 14 years older than me, but I couldn’t imagine things being like that with my ex. Jack and I continued, but he broke up with me several times during angry arguments about nothing. He ended up getting moved out to Herndon for a job, they put his new apartment out there, and we started to see less of each other. We decided to meet up one final time to say bye and to exchange the stuff we had of each others. We met in Rockville, and then he asked me if I wanted to see the construction project across the street he was consulting on. We walked over there, me not very prepared in my flip flops, and he showed me what they were building. We walked through condo unit after unit, different floorplans on different floors. We got to the unit that was going to be the model apartment. It wasn’t furnished, but the carpet was in. I’m sure you see where this is going.”

Therapist says, “Um, yeah, I think I do.”

“So we have sex, there on the floor. And in my mind, I’m a total mess because here I just love my ex so much, but we can’t make it work, and here’s this man in front of me who I’m wildly attracted to but yet, I’m not in love. I never was. I knew it, but never told him. He badgered me to say ‘I love you’ after he first said it to me, and I finally forced myself to do it, just to keep him off my back and from accusing me of cheating.”

Therapist says, “What did he look like?”

I smiled. “Jack is the Marlboro Man. Through and through. He’s rough, classically good looking, dark hair, blue eyes. He’s got it, that’s for sure. He never had to worry about me cheating on him.”

Therapist says, “So go on, what happened after that?”

“Well, he went back to Petersburg, and he had obtained these incredibly bad rug burns on his knee from our time on the floor in that condo unit. When the wife saw him she asked ‘what the fuck happened.’ The way he told me this, I could hear this desperation in his voice. He said, ‘You have no idea how hard it was. I stood there in the kitchen, grabbing the edge of the counter, telling myself to just turn around and tell her I’m in love with someone else. I didn’t answer fast enough and she asked again. I ended up telling her I was doing some electrical work in a unit and cut up my knees but I doubt she believed it. I’m thinking that I should just tell her. I don’t think it will come as a surprise to her, and I think she has a boyfriend anyway. She’ll want full custody of our son, which I’m sure she’ll get, and you and I can live up here. He’ll come visit, us I think. He’ll understand one day that his dad was in love like had never been in his life and he’ll appreciate that I stuck around for as long as I did. But he won’t want to deny me being with you. I know it. He has too good a heart.'”

Therapist says, “I’m stunned. I can’t believe you’ve never told me this.”

“Yeah, me neither. I’ve had some good love in my life, really good love. I guess it comes up now because, well, one, he called me, but two, I’ve been lacking for this kind of passion for the past few years. Basically since I’ve been here.”

Therapist says, “Go on.”

“Okay, so I panicked a little. I know you’re not shocked by that. I just got scared that he was about to give this up for me, and I didn’t know what to say. The lines between K and Jack were significantly blurred. I didn’t say anything, and then eventually told him that I needed to try again with K. He said, ‘When I come for you, are you going to leave him?’ I said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘So you are saying it’s now or never?’ I said, ‘No. I’m saying that this isn’t right for us. Too many people would have to be hurt for us to be together, and it isn’t right.’ Of course that was an excuse. I’m fierce when it comes to my happiness. I would have done anything to be with him if I truly wanted to be. I just didn’t want him to leave all that behind for me, only to accuse me of cheating on him for the rest of my life. We eventually drifted apart physically, K and I started to see each other by doing some back and forth travel, and I stopped returning Jack’s phone calls. I never called him.”

Therapist asks, “Roughly what time frame are we talking about?”

“I guess I was about to graduate grad school, so early 2003? Yeah, because that was the big snowstorm in Feb, 2003, and K and I were stuck inside the house. When we could finally get out of the house, I went to work. He stayed at my place, searching through everything like a lunatic, and found my journals where I wrote about everything that happened with Jack. Those were the days before blogs. It was really ugly, and solidified the fact that K and I would never be together again, despite months of trying. I sold my condo, moved to Rockville, and pleaded with K to try again with me. But it all fell on deaf ears. That relationship with Jack hurt just about everyone. He eventually moved back to Petersburg to try to repair the damage to his family. But before he left he said, ‘One day my son will know that I loved you, and he will understand that it’s worth it to find a love like that.'”

Therapist asks, “Do you regret it?”

“No. Because that man loved me like probably no one ever has before in my life. And to know that feeling of being loved, so passionately, so intensely, well, it’s something everyone should have. Even if they don’t feel the same way in return.”

The author of the quote at the top of the post is me. And I believe it, wholeheartedly.

44 Comments

  1. flawless

    Wow! You had me spellbound. Glad you have a good therapist – sounds like you need one. Balanced love is hard to find. However, I have found that within a relationship that spans several years the balance of power swings back and forth. Sometimes I am more in love than he is, and other times he loves me more. When we get it right in the middle every now and then – watch out! Those are the memory makers.

  2. french cafe

    That was a touching story. Do you ever wish you could find someone to love like Jack loved you? Or do you just want to be loved? I guess it’s the decade old question, do you prefer to be with someone who loves you or someone you love.

  3. KM

    Also, wow. You’re right; everyone should have that sort of relationship in their lives at least once. But when you’re on the loving end and the other person doesn’t feel the same way in return….it can be devastating. It doesn’t make it any less valuable, but man, it’s hard.

  4. marie

    I don’t mean to repeat what has already been said but: ‘Wow!’ is what came to mind after reading this post.
    Excellent, excellent post..
    I really miss feeling loved with such overwhelming passion, but what I miss the most is actually loving someone that way..

  5. homeimprovementninja

    Holy crap. That’s mining in some deep territory.

  6. freckledk

    He who cares less wins.

    Fantastic post.

  7. Raincouver

    Velvet,

    I had a colleague at work who fell out of love with his wife. He was from Europe and she was from Asia. They met here in Vancouver while studying English. My friend and colleague was not satisfied with his new life though, despite having a beautiful son. Unsatisfied, he began an affair. Soon he moved out. His new girlfriend loved him, I think, but could not be with a married man. And he wasn’t ready to leav the wife.

    Finally, they broke up. He went back to his wife, and they now live in Europe again.

    I often wondered what kind of nightmare you live through as the unwitting party, but it’s never black or white. Sure, you must take responsibility for your actions, but it’s not as simple as playing the blame game.

    What I’m trying to say here is that we try the best we can, and hope we don’t get hurt or hurt many people in the process. I will not bore you with my stories, but let’s just say I understand exactly what you mean. Which is just one of the many reasons I treasure my fiancee, who has stuck with me despite my former questionable behaviour. Who knows, maybe someday she’ll meet a Jack, and I will be the one left with the kids. You never know. All we can do is try our best to live a happy life.

    BTW – saw notebook and walk the line. No wonder it brought back memories. Crash was a sad reminder of the serious challenges our great neighbour to the south has yet to overcome. Not that we’re perfect either, of course.

  8. Old Lady

    Wasn’t The Notebook just about the most beautiful heart wrenching story!!

    You will come to a point in your life that these 2 men will take their rightful place in your memory and your life. I wish I had the answer. At my age, I have had 4 unsuccessful relationships. Men stop wanting sex they get too relaxed, fall asleep early and expect you to stay and look like you did when they met you. I have decided that very rare is the meeting of 2 people who are so intertwined that the love carries them through all the ups & downs. At this time of my life I am through with trying to find anything but happiness with myself.

  9. popcultured

    jesus christ…i was dodging ims reading this post…it sounds that u have lived quite a life already…u always hear people say thats it better to have loved than never to have at all…but is that really true?…the pain associated w/ unreciprocated love is devastating…and the pain of unreciprocating love is very difficult too depending on who u r…but it certainly shapes who we r and seems that it has w/ u…regardless, i am very impressed how willing u r to put urself out there for love…it takes a very strong individual to be able to be so serious about it, and laugh at it also with such charisma as u r able to do…but i agree that therapy is wonderful…great post…

  10. Bill

    The Notebook offers a wonderful model of love, but I don’t think many people will experience that. I think it’s rare, really, to have a perfect balance. If I don’t find that, would I rather be the lover or the loved? The former, probably, though your story has made me wonder again.

    I enjoyed Crash and hope you will – just be ready for some heavy watching.

  11. Scarlet

    Quit giving me goosebumps! I’m cold enough in this office as it is!

    I am glad you can look back on the Jack stuff postively now.

  12. Scarlet

    OH and are you accepting Netflix “friends”;)?

  13. Needtsza

    Therapy saved my world. Been in 15 years off and on, pills off and on, relationships off and on.

    You put it all down here in a manner in which I haven’t. Couldn’t. A life lived and still going and strong from what I can tell. GO YOU!

    A mix of emotions ran through me during this read. I almost ran to comment when you said No to the guy and that you were done forever.

    And what he said, that’s the ultimate compliment so you really should feel great about yourself.

    Wow what a hard post, but an even harder time in your life. Way to stick through it.

    Thanks for sharing

  14. Needtsza

    Christ, I forgot about the netflix. Ever tried “peerflix.com”? I get movies through them. You just trade with people. I havne’t seen the notebook, but the other two are just money!

  15. cosmic shambles

    popcultured said: “u always hear people say thats it better to have loved (and lost) than never to have (loved) at allbut is that really true?”

    I think this is very true. Knowing the emotional depths of true love.. the act of loving, the receiving of love, the feeling of rejection and lost love… it is exactly these experiences that make us human. And sometimes being human sucks.

    Old Lady said: “At this time of my life I am through with trying to find anything but happiness with myself.”

    Right on! I think more people need to take this approach to living. I want to be in love with someone who is genuinely happy from within. I have had relationships with people who were looking for ME to provide their happiness, and this is a recipe for disaster. I think when two genuinely happy people come together, that makes the best kind of love.

    And as far as Velvet’s “balanced love”, I think that real balance is rare and transient… it ebbs and flows within a good relationship. Sometimes we are overwhelmed with passion towards our partner, and other times we just aren’t “feeling it”. But that’s OK, as long as you keep close the knowledge that the love exists and that the emotion and “feeling” of love will return if properly nurtured. Sometimes love is a feeling, but it always needs to be an action.

    V said: “my delightful hour of power as I call it”

    That reminds me of an ex who used to refer to my lovemaking as her “delightful 30 seconds of power”.

  16. Velvet

    First I should say that this was one of the most emotionally draining posts I’ve done in a while. Usually I’m more tongue in cheek, of the comedic variety blogger than this stuff. But underneath the veneer of the witty, cop bitching woman is one who has loved and been loved and all that jabber. Occasionally it comes pouring out. That said, here we go.

    Flawless – What you say about balance is so true. It does shift back and forth, and finding that place where you are both on the same page is the best part.

    French Cafe – Well, I did love AtlantaBoy like Jack loved me. And I believe that AtlantaBoy loved me like that in return. But, we had other issues that clouded everything else, and stripped the love away a bit. Then there’s infidelity, and the whole thing became a mess. In any case, I guess if I had to pick, I’d rather someone love me more than I, him. I know it’s selfish, but much easier on my heart.

    KM – I think that from all these experiences, I’m very guarded now. It won’t be as easy for me to fall head over heels. Or maybe I’m wrong, but still.

    Marie – I hit “publish” and ran out the door for an extended lunch. I was nervous at what you all were going to say, so for the “wow’s” and positive comments – thanks.

    Ninja – um…yeah.

    FreckledK – You are so right.

    Raincouver – I think there are a lot of unsatisfying marriages. I’m not sure what the answer is for that, in theory I’m opposed to cheating. But, I hold myself to a different standard for marriage than others do. Hence the reason why I’m not married. But, aside from the theory, it happens, and as an adult, I realize that the world isn’t as perfect and idealistic as we are taught to believe growing up.

    Old Lady – It was me who no longer wanted sex. And I wouldn’t say that any relationship is unsuccessful if you learned from it. Truly.

    Popcultured – That’s a tough call. When you’ve loved and lost, you know what you’re missing. I have recently talked to three people very close to me, who all say they have never felt that kind of love for someone. For one of them, I know he’s fine because he doesn’t see the whole point of marriage etc. He doesn’t know that feeling where your heart feels like it’s physically coming out of your chest toward the person you love.

    Bill – I think people can experience love like the Notebook, but can it be that enduring? For 70 some years? I don’t know about that.

    Scarlet – I could always look back positively I guess because he really brought out some things in me that I didn’t know were there. What’s a Netflix friend? I’m new here!

    Needtsza – I don’t think I could have written this as a straight narrative because it took my having the conversation with an interested party to bring it out in this forum. It was hard to write, only because I know all the lives that were touched by what many could deem my and Jack’s selfishness. The Notebook is a classic love story. I’m not sure if I recommend it for a boy. It’s pretty predictable, obvsiously, but I more so enjoyed the manner in which they tell the story: James Garner reading it to Gena Rowlands.

  17. Washington Cube

    So is it Jack that called recently, and are you going to call him back? He seems so far removed from these two dates you just went on. I can’t imagine Jack (just from this reading) saying to you that he knows the history of the necktie.

    As for the movies, I’ve seen them all. The Notebook did me in for a lot of reasons, but a chief one being a family member died of Alzheimers and seeing that fading and confusion is too much for me to witness for a while…if ever..again. Walk The Line is also good. I particularly loved the scene where Johnny is trying to get off drugs and his dealer shows up at the house and his mother-in-law, Mother Maybelle, and her husband (June’s parents) run the dealer off with shotguns. Now that’s love. Crash will stir up all sorts of things in you, so be prepared for a jolt.

    Hugs to you, Miss Velvet. Still out there taking on life. So brave.

    Oh, yeah. I forgot to ask. Does your therapist read your blog?

  18. Living in Dupont

    That was beautifully written.

    I honestly don’t know what it’s like to be loved like that, but I know what it’s like just to hear the words, just to say the words, and not mean them.

    Your strength is certainly admired.

  19. KassyK

    Ok I was going to write “wow” but since that’s been taken…I will say–Touching. I just met you a bit ago and had no idea that you had been through this and it shapes a lot of things I think.

    This post was incredibly thought provoking and moving and I applaude you for putting it out there. Its better to have loved and lost I think. I feel so sad for people that have never felt that TRUE love. Although unrequited is one of the worst aching feelings in the world.

    I have truly loved one man in this world and I would not give that up for all the pain that our fighting and arguing caused.

    I came to that conclusion in therapy. 😉

  20. "A"

    Wow. (Sorry I had to repeat that). That was an amazing post. This is my first time reading your blog, but I have heard all about you from KK. You sound like an amazing person.
    I, too, am a hopeless romantic. That’s why they created those movies, so we can live vicariously thru them 🙂

  21. doubleonegative

    WOW is MOM upside down. But I digress. There is one serious question that needs to be asked here…and that is “what the f#ck is love?” I’m not getting all shmoopy here but honestly, there is so much talk about the critical importance of having fallen in love during your lifetime, when it is such an undefinable event. How many people do all of us know that would not stop gushing about who they recently “fell in love” with, and then time passes, they move on…and they now claim it “was never actually love.” Is that love, followed by a bitter “falling out of love” or was it just fake from the get-go? So take that angle and refer to those people who end up staying together. Who’s to say what is love and what isn’t? Not you, not them. We’re dealing with the willy-nilly world of emotions here…it’s not like getting an STD. That, you know you get…and you know you can pass on to someone. Love? Eye of the beholder, I suppose– and in a perfect world everyone would find someone who shares the same vision.

    I’ll shut up now…but one thing I do know is that I love meatball subs.

  22. Siryn

    Darling Miss Velvet,

    Real love isn’t jealous, isn’t easily angered. Love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. The sad thing about this post is that you get a taste of it, but not really. You were right to not stay in the relationship with Jack because he didn’t trust you. You said it yourself – could you take the rest of your life being accused of cheating, especially with someone you have no passion for? Eventually it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy. He was probably projecting the feelings he had about his marriage onto you, since he WAS cheating.

    That said, it’s delicious to be cared about with such fervor. We should all know what it is to have someone hunger for us. Passion is a powerful and wonderful thing, and I don’t think we can sincerely spend our lives without it. I remember this episode of Ally McBeal where the recurring pastor of the gospel church broke up with the choir director, and Ally was mediating the dispute. Eventually he broke down and told her that he didn’t have any passion for her, and that he had loved lesser women with more fervor. It’s a hard thing to hear, but we all know it’s true – this is why we shouldn’t settle.

    We won’t ever be happy until we are evenly yoked. Be ye not unevenly yoked is still good wisdom.

  23. Lucky

    This hit way close to home.

    Very good read though, thanks.

  24. johnny

    Romantic movies are a big lie. I mean, sure, its out there. But not everyone gets to live the dream. Many die alone, unloved. People just dont care, because they find the myth comforting, and the reality abysmal.

    spank!

  25. bettyjoan

    When you mentioned your “hour of power,” I thought you might be referring to Chisel. 😉

    Seriously, this is an amazing post, and it opens up so many questions about loving, being loved, and reaching a balance between the two. Thanks for putting yourself out there–big hugs!

  26. Velvet

    Cosmic – Our comments crossed each other, but I sort of disagree on the love thing. It’s nice to have that love, but it sucks when it’s gone. Sucks bad.

    Cube – It is Jack who called me, and I did return his call, but got voicemail. He is a different person. He’s pretty angry now, and sometimes calls when he’s drunk, and it’s ugly. He says some not nice things. It isn’t my fault his life didn’t turn out the way he wanted, but somehow he directs some of his anger at me.

    Living in Dupont – Glad you commented! We have similarly Dupont themed blogs, well, mine strays far from Dupont sometimes. But welcome! Thanks for saying hello.

    KK – It’s great to know you have found love, isn’t it? I feel bad for the three people I mentioned in my earlier comment who say they haven’t found that love at all.

    A – Hi to you too! I’ve seen you on KK’s blog, thanks for reading mine as well.

    Double O – I hate to tell you, but if you are asking that question about what love really is, then, I’m not sure you’ve been there. You can’t describe it in words, but you know it. You feel it from the inside.

    Siryn – I don’t believe that real love doesn’t feel jealousy. That’s one of those things they tell you but the fact is that jealousy is a very real, genuine emotion based on insecurity. He was insecure about our age difference, and well, there you go. And did you really just recall an Ally McSqueal episode? HA! Funny!

    Lucky – Sorry to dredge up some emotion!

    Johnny – Romantic movies are definitely a big lie. Hollywood creates all sorts of ideals and goals that the real world cannot possibly live up to.

    BJ – Yeah, I had two hours of power yesterday. That class was nuts. I’m sore in places I didn’t know I had! HA HA!

  27. doubleonegative

    velvet, i’m not picking a fight with you on your own blog, but that’s a tired response to my question(s). to start, it spoke nothing of my experiences. also, it doesn’t address the fact that people claim to fall in love ALL the time…and then backtrack on that claim when it’s convenient. like you said, you feel it from the inside. and well, some people get indigestion.

  28. playfulindc

    Do you believe that love can feel differently with each person?

    I have loved a man or three, and each time it was love, but a different “genre” of it.

    I hope that the next love is the one that has all the ingredients you want all whipped up together without coagulating.

  29. Velvet

    Double O – First of all, grrrrrr. Bad day today? I don’t know that love has one definition. I think it can be many things to many people. I wasn’t talking in the post about a love that is fleeting, but one that is enduring, for a lifetime. I think people say they are in love because saying it makes one believe it. People so badly want that fairy tale. And the reason for saying they were never in love is to save face. I didn’t think you were picking a fight, but I hear a lot of anger.

    Playful – I don’t know. I think that each time I really fall for someone, it is more intense than the last person I loved. Only because the bar is set higher I suppose. I hope so too on the next love, but these days, I’m not so sure anymore.

  30. Needtsza

    I wouldn’t of asked you to write it any other way. Intense.

    Again, good for you:)

  31. scarlet

    On the Netflix page, click on the “Friend” tab and then you can enter in email addresses to add to your friend list. Then you can see what your peeps are watching, or what they recommend for you.

  32. john of ne

    Some of us just can’t help but make their life more complicated than it has to be. You need a new hobby Velvet.

  33. La Whisky

    First of all, I wish that I could have written this. I’m coveting and envying all at the same time here. My inner midwesterner really needs to loosen up and learn to be vulnerable. Then I need to learn how to write about being vulnerable. Also, I need to learn how to write.

    I bristled at the critical comments, and couldn’t help but wonder how young or dead inside they were.

    Keep on rawkin’.

  34. Moni

    Sigh. I really hope your quote end comes true for me. I’ve certainly experienced both the loving too much and not loving the other person enough.
    As for the post, amazing and so on point in Velvet style. We’ve touched on this before and here I say it again: I have no doubt Velvet will find that fine man who will get her and love her. God (yes, I believe in Him) does not create a wonderful person like her to just be lonely. He who gets your heart will be one lucky, lucky bastard.

  35. Neil

    That was so emotionally honest, I had to comment. Hoping you find this passion with the right person.

  36. Cosmic Goof

    Love is a big pain in the ass, but some people are into that kind of thing. One thing I’ve noticed in good relationships is what I call “the benefit of the doubt” factor. Once the massive boinkfest of the early days starts to wear off the real relationship emerges and I’ve noticed two people that really love each other give each other the benefit of the doubt. They don’t assume the worst. They don’t assume the other person makes every mistake, isn’t in the mood, isn’t giving me enough attention, is bored etc. just to bother, annoy, piss me off, doesn’t love me anymore. There is an effort to be less self centered and more empathic, thus giving them the benefit of the doubt. “Hey they love me so it’s probably work making them cranky.” This takes a lot of trust because the other person absolutely has to be giving you the benefit of the doubt too or they can totally (ab)use you. In other words, being accused of cheating before the boinkfest wore off did not bode well for the relationship. Besides aren’t we always guilty of the things we judge? (i.e.talkers notice others talk too much, because they are annoyed they have to wait so long to talk) Sounds too much like “I’m a cheater and would be cheating if I was in your shoes”

    Long winded folks should be annoyed with this long winded comment

  37. Bill

    Velvet, in (belated) response, though I said I didn’t think that many people would experience balanced love – I think those who do will find that it can last for a lifetime. I do believe in the model, and I do believe that some people will experience it, just not most of us.

    As KK said, better than I could, to love someone truly is a feeling to be treasured forever even if the relationship doesn’t survive. I have, and will never regret it. To know that you’ve experienced it from the other side and don’t regret it gives me hope that I did her no harm. Thank you for that, for telling your story, and prompting the discussion here.

  38. MellyMel

    Ok, this was a topic of discussion over the weekend. Now, since this post grazes it a bit, I have one question for anyone who wants to answer…do you think you truly find everything you want in just one person, or when you make a decision to be with that person you knowingly accept something(s) will always be missing? The big question is, can you be in-love with more than one person? Both for different reasons, but powerful nonetheless.

  39. MellyMel

    Ok, so it was more than one question…sorry!

  40. prncess674

    to reiterate what Marie said above.
    Excellent, excellent post..
    I really miss feeling loved with such overwhelming passion.

    I hope to find that passion again.

  41. Red

    WOW! Yeah so everyone has said it and I will too! WOW!
    This means it could really be out there. I just figured few ever experience it. You did! Good for you!

  42. Velvet

    Scarlet – I did it and it was “temporarily down.” Bastards!

    John of ne – New hobby what – dating? Writing? Both? Not sure what you are referring to.

    La Whisky – I shrug at the critical comments. I thought there would be more, actually, but anyway, I agree. Those who were most critical of my situation at the time were the ones who ended up finding themselves in similar situations shortly thereafter. It’s a constant reminder for people to not judge others.

    Moni – Thank you. That was very nice. But the truth is, that if I was created to be alone, then that life will work for me as well.

    Neil – Hi, and I like new people so thanks for commenting!

    Cosmic Goof – What I find funny about this, is that this is the story of what happened from the time I moved out of Phoenix with Atlanta Boy to roughly a couple years ago. That’s how we ended up skidding to a halt. Several times. I’m not sure what his motivation was for the constant accusations. But it was fucking annoying. I was so busy with him, work, school and Sammy that there was no time. Unless you could orchestrate an affair while pumping gas. Then, I could have been cheating.

    Bill – I believe people can feel love for a lifetime, I’m not sure of my own ability to do that though. It can be every bit as painful from the side of the one who loves less though, don’t you think? If you have any inkling of a heart, you are always conscious that your every movements could be hurting someone’s feelings, or giving false hope.

    MellyMel – I guess that both AtlantaBoy and Jack combined had what I wanted in someone. But, it didn’t work and neither relationship survived. I don’t know about being in love with two people at a time, and I also don’t think that everyone can find that one person who has it all. Some people can blind themselves into thinking this is the “perfect person” but, either they are overlooking some things they don’t like, or they are kidding themselves.

    The post script to the Jack story is that we both got something out of the relationship. He got to experience true love, so he says, and I got an inside view into my industry, as he was a Construction Manager. That Nextel would go off at 6 a.m. every morning and we would lay in bed and he would answer the calls. I sat there listening to things so far removed from the environment of what should be discussed in a bedroom, but it fascinated me. A roof falls in, the electric inspection fails. It fueled me to pursue a career in construction. So in that vein – you and I never would have met if I didn’t have that path somewhat carved out for me by Jack.

    Prncess – Don’t we all! It’s hard.

    Red – The older I get, the less I believe, but I’m trying.

  43. Stef

    Forget the Notebook – this was some real romantic drama! Wow, great post. Thanks for sharing yet another story from your life with all of us. Love can be such a gamble, but every once in a while it really pays off. I’ve been the one who cared more many times in the past, and I’m feeling like it’s about time for me to feel the other side. But, to do it, you’ve got to take the risk, right? Like others said, I really do admire your guts in getting out there and meeting people, come what may. I barely even play the game.

    And ditto on the Netflix friends! Watch your email, I’ll send it to you…. 😉

  44. Mel

    That’s a really deep story with probably a deeper connection. And you tell it so well…

    I was reading some of this post, covered in goosebumps. Think his son knows about you now?

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