All right. I’m getting emails from you guys asking if I’m okay. Thanks. Yep, I’m okay. A month ago I had posted that life was knocking me around in many areas and I needed to take a blogging break. I guess that more of the same is happening right now. Though, a month ago, they were going to possibly shut my division down and I was to be out of a job. I don’t know how, but we all held on by a thread, and they have realigned some responsibilities. Now I have the equivalent of three jobs. I know I shouldn’t complain, but god damn am I busy. And keep in mind, being “busy” in my industry is compounded by the fact that I’m driving from subdivision to subdivision to get some of this work done. All that travel time in the car is basically useless. Once I get this to a more manageable workload, I should be able to breathe again. Until then, please forgive me if I’m quiet.
So, after the last post, I think that some of you seemed to be, um, how shall I say? Extra judgmental? I know that this situation isn’t exactly ideal in your eyes, but it is in mine. I know that what has been going on has been high on the drama richter scale, but there is something between Sherlock and I that just keeps bringing us back together. And this arrangement we’ve (I’ve) created works for us. At least right now.
Sunday night, I was helping a friend with her own man-drama issues that truly trump my stupid problems by at least 10 times. She said that my visit to her house, and bit of assistance in sorting some things out was very helpful to her. But, it was helpful to me too. I realized that, truly, my issues are minor compared to what they could be. I love a man. And he loves me. Why is this so hard? Anyway, Sherlock texted while I was there and said that he was in New York City for work and that he really just wanted to say hi since we hadn’t spoken a word since I left his house on Saturday.
I texted him back, and said I was at a friend’s house, but asked if we could talk in about an hour. He said okay, that he wasn’t expecting to talk, he just felt like he should tell me where he was and why he hadn’t tried to call. When I left my friend’s house, I called him. What I really wanted to talk to him about was twofold – first, the negativity of the comments with respect to my last post really bummed me out and second, the perennial “are we doing the right thing” question.
I’m not sure if we answered the above questions, but we were on the phone for 4 hours. There were a couple major points of things covered, and here is where I bust into territory that will probably get me ripped apart. Sherlock asked me point blank if I was “on something” when I went to his house on Friday and we had the big talk. I asked him why he asked that and he said, “You just seemed different. Meaner. Much darker than I’ve ever seen you.” I admitted that yes, earlier in the evening, a friend had put an old vice of mine in front of me and I dove in. He asked if I’d been doing this all along. I told him it had been at least a year, and that is the truth.
After a long silence and a deep breath, he said he couldn’t possibly have “an arrangement” with me if there was a chance that I would be partaking in extracurriculars. I started to say that this was a one time thing, but then I stopped myself because really, I don’t have to defend myself to him. I can do what I want. After several exchanges where he placed that as his “deal breaker” on the “arrangement,” I told him I fucking hated him and that he couldn’t tell me what to do. (I know, I’m childish.) His logic was that he still sees me as the woman he is going to marry and have kids with, and he doesn’t want me doing this to my body. We agreed to disagree on this one, with the idea that if we do formally get “back together,” that at that point, I will honor his request to stay away from all narcotics.
Monday. Sherlock came back to town and called me from the airport. He said he wanted to see me, and he took a cab to my house. He came in, we literally had sex for 20 minutes, then he got up to leave. Perfect. I do so love this arrangement. But we were at the door saying bye and he said, “Have you been taking your pill?” I’ve been known to forget. I said, “Yup.” Then he said, “Yeah. Like I even care. Play all the mind games you want to make yourself feel better, we both know what is going on here.” And on that, he went home.
Wednesday I had Jury Duty. I didn’t get picked and they let me go home. I hit the gym and Sherlock and I decided to have dinner and watch a movie. He picked me and the doggies up and we went to his place. He picked up dinner, then we carved a pumpkin. When I say “we,” I mean, he carved while I bossed him around and ate pumpkin seeds that I doused with salt. While he carved, we sat on the kitchen floor with the dogs between us just talking. He was talking about when he was little how they would carve pumpkins, and that Halloween is his favorite holiday. (Me too! The Velvet Family has ruined the rest of the holidays!) He asked me where I’ve traveled. And somewhere in the mundane conversation, I just got totally overwhelmed and said, “You know what?” He said “What?” I said, “I am so in love with you.” I haven’t said it since before this latest debaucle. He stopped, and looked up and said, “I am so in love with you too. You make me want to be better at everything I do.”
While I was at Jury Duty, I read about 100 pages in this book Red recommended a few months ago – Around the World in 80 Dates. I’ve been slowly reading, but yesterday was my chance to plow through. In a nutshell, this British lady ends a 5 year relationship. Feeling that her soulmate doesn’t exist in London, she decides that travel will heal her wounds. She embarks on a journey to find a soulmate on dates set up around the world by friends and acquaintances called Date Wranglers. As tricky situations arise, she will often consult these “Date Wranglers” for advice.
When I was walking home from the metro, heading to the grocery store before going home, I read something that made me stop dead in my tracks on Corcoran Street:
“It would be good to ask the Date Wranglers their opinion about all this, but comforting as the thought was, I knew this was something Garry and I had to work out for ourselves. There was a point when new lovers stopped being public property and made their own world in private (and this was especially true of our cast of thousands relationship.)”
It’s like she reached out through the book and slapped me across my face.
My therapist said it is time to stop the blog because it is destroying my life. Sherlock has asked me to stop because he also doesn’t think it is healthy. Understand please that neither my therapist nor Sherlock is aware of what the other person thinks. But these two people are perhaps the most important in my life aside from family. I really thought this blog could just go and go, especially with the support of a man who doesn’t mind. But he minds now. And I have to live with that every time I hit publish.