Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I Don’t Know How You’re Supposed To Find Me Lately

I really thought I was going to go back to non-passworded posts this week. But, the Velvet Business Plan on ditching the password includes NO POSTING about Sherlock or my personal life. And clearly, I’m not ready to do that because I’m currently chewing my lip on something new now. A real problem as opposed to the usual variety: an ugly, slutty, superficial ex who was at the Ritz Carlton in NYC while her “upper middle class” family dried out their Coach purses alongside countless others searching for loved ones suffering through Hurricane Katrina, who keeps making her way back into our lives. But I digressed with that run on sentence.

I consider myself a pretty good communicator. Sometimes the mouth speaks before the brain approves, but I have rarely, if ever, come across a person who doesn’t get my sarcasm and wit. At workplaces across the country, I’ve kept people entertained with my antics. My brother and I are always “on” during family gatherings. He and I were recently talking about our shared sense of humor and wit, and wondering where we got it. Our parents are snarky, but not in the quick, sharp, sarcastic manner of my brother and I, that’s for sure. We are unmatched in our sass. Get us together and the entire family is rolling on the floor, forgetting the prior argument that was probably over Lamb Chops and Spanakopita.

Normally I work my problems out in the car, but tonight when I got to the gym, my Best Gay Friend was on the elliptical. So, he asked me what was new, and well, he heard an earful and I came home buzzing with a blog post. He understood instantly what my issue is. Best Gay Friend and I have a “schtick.” I also have that with my brother, and with co-workers past and present. My boss and I have the “schtick.” A lot of my gay friends and I have it. We have it in a group with each other as well. I can’t describe it, but it’s that snarky, sarcastic, biting repertoire that just…flows. Shit, you guys even have it in the comments with each other. Look at what La Whisky and Aussie Em did back and forth in the last post!

The problem. I can’t seem to get this “schtick” with Sherlock. When I toss something out off the cuff, he will often ask me to explain it. If you have to explain it then the whole thing is ruined and it’s just a waste. Let me do a few examples.

1) A conversation about a woman Sherlock “used to date.”
Sherlock: So do you think she’s nice?
Me: Yeah, but I would say she’s very simple.
Sherlock: Yeah, I can see that.
Me: I don’t think that she’s the kind of girl you stay up with until 5 a.m. having this incredibly deep conversation with.
Sherlock: No, definitely not.
Me: Well, it makes sense why you came looking for me.
Sherlock: What do you mean?
Me: Just what I said. I get it. Why you came looking for me.
Sherlock: I don’t get it. I was looking for you?
At this point, I had to refrain from slapping him. It’s figurative, not literal. Well, it’s a bit literal, but still. I dumbed it down, but I was pissed off that I had to do so. I said, “She’s simple. You dated simple women. You came looking for someone who wasn’t so simple. I didn’t mean me per se, just that you kept looking.” (Don’t think that irony is lost on me either of having to explain the idea of being simple.) He acted like he got it, but you know when you see that faraway look in someone’s eyes like they just have no clue what you are saying and are pretending that they do because they sense you are getting irritated and want to put their balls in a vice grip out of sheer frustration and mental exhaustion? Yeah. That.

2) At dinner the other night, Sherlock wasn’t feeling well. After a while of us not talking, he said, “I’m sorry, I’m just not feeling all that well and I really don’t want to be anywhere else in the world right now than here with you.” I said, “Well, that’s not true. If you had the chance to be at the track with your life savings bet on the winning horse, I think you may choose that over this dinner.” He was like, “The track?” Since I realized the path on which we were about to descend, I just cut it off at the pass by saying, “Do you not get sarcasm? Wit? Offhanded remarks?” Otherwise we would have been stuck on the “track” for 20 minutes. He blamed it on being tired, but of course this is not the first time we’ve been through this.

3) Watching a Woody Allen movie, laughing my ass off and having to explain why I’m laughing my ass off. That one, I just can’t even wrap my brain around. Woody Allen is SOOOO neurotic, and it comes across so well in everything he does, that to me it’s like watching my brother and I in a movie or something. Every 10 minutes, “What? Why are you laughing?” Oh boy.

I HATE to compare. HATE HATE HATE. But since we just covered him yesterday…once I was out with the this guy and he had a headache. He walked into a Rite Aid (Em, that’s a Pharmacy like CVS!) to get a bottle of aspirin. He was trying to take the cotton out from the bottle, and it just kept coming and coming and wouldn’t stop. I said, “Wow, this is like a Gallagher trick.” And he just bust out laughing. Nice…nothing that needs explaining, right? He didn’t ask who Gallagher was, he didn’t need to know what “tricks” Gallagher did that would remind him of the non-stop cotton coming out of the tiny bottle. Easy, right?

When I lived with AtlantaBoy, and we were driving across the country, our car broke down somewhere in Colorado. I ran into Wal-Mart to pick something up while AtlantaBoy waited in the car. He was accosted by a police officer who didn’t believe him that the car was a loaner from the dealer who was fixing our car. (I believe the cop said, “I know Milton and if you are lyin’ I’ll find out. I’m gonna call him right now!”) After the cop stopped harassing us, we drove over to the dealer to return said loaner and while we were standing in the lobby, the cop called there, asking for Milton, as it was expertly announced over the loud speaker. I was standing right next to a phone when the call blinked on hold right in my face. I looked at AtlantaBoy, and he said, “Don’t you dare.” Just then, Milton walks in, trades keys with us, thanks us for giving him $3000, and AtlantaBoy and I bust out of there laughing our asses off. He didn’t look at me when that call went on hold and say, “What? What’s that look for? What’s the matter?” Oy.

I miss those exchanges. I miss that secret language with the significant other. I’m afraid this is a very major piece of something I NEED that might be missing. Best Gay friend said, “We definitely have this schtick, but that is of course because we are secretly married.” Without the sex, of course.

Well? Am I just not going to find the “whole package” and I should stop bitching? It’s okay. You can tell me I’m a bitch. I actually already know that…


  1. AussieEm

    Ooh, I know exactly what you mean with this one. Thats one of the biggest things I miss about my ex. We had schtick and then some. Simple mundane conversations would often turn out to be just fun fun fun and wed both end up in hysterics.

    He ended our relationship in September this year because he didn’t feel we had a long term future together. My tearful, yet witty, response?

    Well, of course we dont have a long-term future if you break up with me now! Thats just stating the obvious!

    I may have missed the point there.

  2. DCOE

    I know exactly what you’re saying, so it’s probably a good thing you’re done with Sherlock…right? I mean, other than for sex, in which case you can just pretend he doesn’t have a brain (maybe not too hard) and then leave afterward.

    Did I miss something? We are still not dating Sherlock, right?

  3. playfulinnc

    I have the best banter with those who don’t “slap it on me” or “ride me like a cowgirl”.

    Seriously. I don’t know your relationship other than what you tell me, but it seems like it is more than gifted in the removal of panties department and not the roll on the floor laughing department.

    What’s more important right now?

    It’s not bitchy to need something that someone can’t give you. You have needs. Thank god, or you’d be Robot Velvet.

  4. Velvet

    Oh Playful. I’m afraid you might be right. I woke up this morning feeling bad for what I posted because it makes him look like he can’t keep up with me mentally, but also wondering if we’re back to the fact that this really just is about sex. I suppose time will tell, and it will be a hurtful conclusion to this story, but I will tell you that this “lack of schtick” crossed my mind each time we were not on speaking terms. You know, all 11 times we’ve broken up.

    DCOE – I’ve been removing posts after I put up a new one. Reason being, I’ve found out some lunatic blogger / ex-blogger named Seth J is on some crazy hunt for my password. I seriously have NO CLUE why this guy I’ve never met but who repeatedly asks me out (via email!) is so desperate for the password. So, just in case someone slips up, I’m just removing posts. Anyway, Sherlock and I have somewhat gotten “back into it” but it’s just reminded me that I do so love being alone.

    Aussie Em – Did you catch how I explained “rite aid” for you??

  5. la whisky

    I think it is a matter of spending some time together and becoming more comfortable with each other. While you’ve gotten past some things, maybe things are still a bit senstive or tentative.

    Having someone “get” you is pretty key – I do know how you feel. I’m not sure I could date a man who didn’t think I was funny at least 60% of the time.

  6. homeimprovementninja

    Seeing the the sofa in the magazine…ouch. I remember once I was at a friends house and taking a dump. I picked up the local paper while wating for the bowel muses to inspire my creation, then I saw a wedding announcement for an ex I dated. There was a picture of her and some fat guy. HA! That’s almost as funny as when I saw an ex at a blogger HH and she was with a BALD GUY! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Anyway, about the schtick. That’s a tough one. I’m assuming you two have normal conversations when you’re not sexing up the joint. I’m surprised that he doesn’t have a good sense of humor since he’s in sales. Usually they have to be able to create rapport with people by making jokes or pretending that their clients’ kids don’t look like mutants.

  7. freckledk

    During a teasing, flirty phone chat with my then-boyfriend, I said something like, “Well smack my ass and call me Patty.” He responded with, “I can’t believe you just said that.” and ended the conversation.

    I came to find out (when I finally got him to agree to speak with me) that his ex-gf was named Patty, and he thought I was making fun of their sex life. Whaaa?!

    I wouldn’t feel badly — if the worst thing about your relationship is a “Lack of Schtick,” you are lucky. You still have your gays and your girls to provide you with the witty banter.

  8. LB

    Don’t feel badly about seeing your ex’s new woman in the magazine. At least your ex isn’t emailing women he doesn’t know asking them out, and then going on a crazy rant for someone’s blog password.

    I’m just sayin’.

  9. KassyK

    Oh, the schtick. You know I know it well. I had that big time with my ex…and its classic. I for one LOVE a guy that gets my sense of humor and loves it and has his own.

    The new boy thinks I am hilarious–its a BIG BIG plus in my book. 🙂 And yesterday I had my bff peeing herself for a hour straight–those are HUGE positives…obviously you want it back too.

    I hear you chica.

  10. Not So Little Woman

    Hm. Pretty much all I would say has been said. I’m with you on the need for a man who gets our wittiness (sp?). But then again, if the man gets other parts of us which are equally or more important than the schtick… Isn’t that good?

  11. Tacoma!

    No rush, stop rushing!
    See how it goes. See how you like his company as you get to know him more. And in the end, you’ll either want more of him, or not.

    Happy Halloween!

  12. la whisky

    I’m still laughing about FreckledK’s “well, smack my ass and call me Patty.” Totally made my day. Totally going to use it in conversation at least 5 times before Friday.

  13. AussieEm

    Aussie Em – Did you catch how I explained rite aid for you??

    Yes I did thanks! Nice to see that the dumb aussies are being catered for in your blog. 🙂

    I woke up this morning feeling bad for what I posted because it makes him look like he cant keep up with me mentally

    haha I’m sorry, but that cracked me up. I was chatting to my mate, whos currently completing her psychology PHD, about this yesterday# and her response was: Hmm, sounds to me like the guys a bit autistic, they are often very literal.

    *humming the tune to Rainmain*

    Sorry, I shouldnt laugh. But, as others have said, it could just take some time. One of my best mates, erm, friends thought I was an absolute cow when he first met me, until he realised that I was a sarcastic little devil and half of what I say is actually said very tongue in cheek.

    #Dont worry, no website/password references were given out, it was just general conversation.

  14. bejeweled

    No, keep looking for the total package. Why settle? Oh, and keep bitching.

  15. Ashburnite

    maybe that’s why he was involved with the hags- they didn’t challenge him mentally. I mean, I know a 5-paragraph blog post about which purse to buy and whether or not you want the Coach logo all over your purse is exciting conversation, but I’m sure it didn’t make him use his brain.

    I would definitely have a hard time dating someone I didn’t have “witty banter” with.

  16. Velvet

    THANK GOD YOU SAID IT. Jesus. And now there are more pictures up on that site! It’s making me become a bulimic because every time I see a picture of that face…and imagine it under Sherlock. Oh boy.

    Ninja and I decided that we are going to ask for reference letters and pictures of exes. Because having a wretched looking ex in your past is 20 times worse than having a supermodel.

  17. barbara

    I feel a little sorry for old Sherlock, because there are times when I don’t get humor either. Like the time you said something about D&G and I said, “Who are they?” You are just one of those people who are incredibly ON all the time. But it sounds like Sherlock’s instincts in the bedroom completely compensate for any lack of understanding. We all have things we are really good at…

  18. zenchick

    {blank stare}
    I thought this was just sex? hooker sex?
    Why would it matter if he “gets” you? Why would you waste your time trying to cultivate that if there’s no relationship?
    (seriously, this is an informationally-curious paragraph/question)

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