Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

2006 ~ The Year in Review

January – The first victim of the year in dating was CL#5PornName. (Date #1.) We only went on one date, because I became enamoured with stupid CL#4NewJersey. That doofus. Sammy got a mysterious back problem that almost set me back $3000 for an MRI and such, but he magically recovered. I continue dating CL#4NewJersey (he’s in last year’s count so he doesn’t count for this year,) and El Guapo hits the scene and we team up for some good old Craigslist torture. You all loved it. Here are the links:

1) Choose your own adventure – explains the reason this guy is “chosen.”
2) With the Touch of a Velvet Glove, Abra Abra Cadabra – Enter El Guapo.
3) El Guapo Strikes Again – It just gets funnier.
4) El Guapo Fucks Up – But it is just so damn funny!
5) The Best of El Guapo Recap – Think of the Deli Meats!

February – Things continue on the CL#4NewJersey rollercoaster and then I have a date with CL#2BlueEyes (Date #2.) That doesn’t go anywhere though. CL#4NewJersey surprises me for a Valentine’s Day dinner and things seem to look up. But not for long. He disappears shortly after. It’s Just Lunch sends me out on my 10th date, Ray Romano, (Date #3) but that goes nowhere as well. CL#4NewJersey breaks up with me via email, solidifying his place as the supreme idiot of the dating world.

March – A generally non-descript month for me, though I did meet and start dating another wanker off Craigslist (Date #4.) He had a name consisting of something about a fruit (in general “fruit” is quite apropos though the specific choice of fruit in this case is not representative of his package,) and a place to take outside naps, but it’s all a hazy blur of a truly unremarkable person who told the same three stories over and over. Not so much a “catch” as something you’d like to throw back. Crazy friends included in that package as well.

April – My parents came to visit. That post is still one of my best hits on this blog. Guess you all can relate. Went to Arizona in the end of April and fell in love with the idea of moving out of D.C. It probably had something to do with an incredibly X-rated night with the cowboy. Not sure I can log this one as a “date.”

May – Not a lot of writing in May because one of my aforementioned dates went a little nuts and I just checked out of the scene for a while. It was a nice break.

June – On a major Dating Hiatus at this point. Went shopping at Victoria’s Secret and created the Hunting Guide to help gear myself back up for the game.

July – Went to Michigan to see friends get married and saw Cutest Baby in the World. Reconnected with It’s Just Lunch (who forgot about me) and went on a date with TheBoroughsBaby (Date #5) which had zero chemistry and had a date with SirTalksALot (Date #6) which also went a surprisingly nowhere.

August – Began a drama filled relationship with Sherlock (Date #7.) Found quickly that Sherlock comes complete with other girls he’s dated who are also bloggers who are also reading my blog. To say that this was a mess would be putting it lightly. I went out with OlderMan (Date #8) and he asked me out again but I wasn’t feeling that so much. Also went out with TheConsultant (Date #9.)

September – In my need to get the hell out of dodge, I head off to Atlanta. The rest of the month is pretty uneventful. Some on again / off again with Sherlock.

October – Mid October I finally had enough of the drama and went under password protection for a month. That was relieving, though hilarious to see “people” trying to crack the password as well as use the cache to get in and read. It proved to me that there really are a lot of crazies in this blog world. Things spun out of control and into directions I never expected. My panic attacks increased in frequency up from one or two a week to one or two a day.

November – Blog still under password. I learned a lot about myself by going back and reading these passworded posts. Sometimes you can get so caught up in the day to day that you miss the big picture entirely. It’s much more obvious to me at this point what was going on back then. I only wish I saw it more clearly. In my defense, work kept me very busy to notice the other stuff.

December – Posting is light again. I’m burned out on blogging this month. I’m doing more to take care of myself and trying to not be so deep and to not feel things so deeply. Letting it roll off becomes my new mantra.

When I went back and read some old posts to compile this recap, I realized how fun this blog used to be, how fun my life used to be, and how it seems to have become a big pile of shit and negativity. I’m not happy about it. Seeing it all in one place, I definitely can say that this year is not even close to what I wanted for myself. Last night I had a conversation with Sixes and Sevens and she said that dating is hard, and she prefers to coast superficially through relationships and not get entrenched emotionally because it is just too exhausting. I can totally relate. So, as I’ve said before, this isn’t exactly what I want for myself, but I don’t know what I do want. But, I’m going to keep looking. I think there is a better life out there. I just have to find it.

In any case, the score is as follows:

Velvet: 0
Potential Dating Pool: -9

I think in 2007 I’m going to consider getting back to writing about the original focus of Velvet in Dupont – Dating and Relationships.


  1. Edina

    And honey Patsy and I are always here for you! There’s Dallas in March and Santa Monica in April. If you aren’t riding cowboys by then, she and I will hang it up.

    6s & 7s got burned this summer, she deserves a few whip cracks in the under age 25 pool!

    P.S. Patsy can’t get on the site.

  2. I-66

    Under 25?! I just turned 26!

    2007 means you can wipe the scoreboard clean. The balls are in your court/hands/mouth.

  3. Patsy

    We’ll find you a good cowboy to ride in a few months. Yeehaw!

  4. Edina

    26 is fine….hell 27 will do. If you are a red head….no age limit.

  5. 6s & 7s

    well definitely living in the boys part of town doesn’t help with the dating pool. Capitol Hill be dammed tho. Too bad you work out in CivilWarVille or we could spend our lunch hours making eyes at the cute boys in suits downtown. Just a few blocks south on 17th and all of a sudden they like girls! or at least they act like they do…and that’s all I really need anyway.

    Hey, I say you didn’t do too bad this year. I apparently got loser-dater of the year. Right Patsy? How many months pathetic was that?

  6. I-66

    I’m definitely not a red head. Then again, 6s and 7s already has met me.

    4 day weekend for I-66! Who wants to party on Monday?!

  7. Edina

    well she won’t remember… she was with me and Patsy AND she was pre-occupied.

    I wanna party. I wanna party. I wanna party. That’s the day before the Wagon comes to get me. ME ME ME ME (and Velvet).

  8. Asian Mistress

    I told myself that in 2007 I would vow to date more…then I remembered how much I hate dating and how I always meet guys that seem great and wonderful – but end up being total douchebags. I mean, I’m not saying I’m perfect either but GOD…give me a break!

    Here’s to us and best hopes for a better (more positive) dating pool in 2007!

  9. Wicked H

    Healthy Minds, Bodies and Souls for 2007!

    Happy New Year one and all!!!

  10. I-66

    I’m even willing to traverse the highway for which I am named from the ’tilly all the way to the city. Talk about effort.

    28 minutes to quittin’ time. I can make it.

  11. I-66

    PS: What wagon?

  12. Edina

    THAT wagon

  13. minijonb

    This post got me thinking about resolutions for the new year… Deep thoughts with minijonb =;-)

    Go rock 2007!

  14. I-66

    Oh. Carry on then.

  15. Elizabeth

    ..I gotta hit your archives…one thing for sure,I don’t see you as a pile of negativity…..if anything your are smart, funny and right on about whatever I’ve read here. I thought your mantra already was “letting it roll off”..I’ve sensed nothing else. I’m a choosy motha’effa and I am never wrong 🙂 You’re the best. Happy New Year V, and to the coolest commentors ever…Happy 2007!

  16. Carrie

    no matter what you’ve posted, we’ve enjoyed reading it velvet. and for me, fairly new to the blogosphere both reading and writing, it’s helped me to know that my dating misery has company. BUT, 2007 is another year – no matter where it takes the universal ‘us’.

    here’s to 2007!

  17. Edina

    That’s right (or write for the pun of it)! We are in it with you now! All for one, one for all (but I still get all the red heads).

    You have the pups and the park and patsy’s-wedding and pinot and other things that start with “P” just WAITING for you in 2007.

  18. homeimprovementninja

    I’m gonna jump on the self-improvement bandwagon in ’07. I’m shooting for 9% bodyfat and no more european turtlenecks.

  19. I-66

    pups… park… patsy’s wedding… pinot… pinto beans… pistachios… penis…

    All of it is waiting.

  20. Edina

    pectorals, pints, Portuguese, papaya, POSTS

  21. I-66

    pasta, pimp juice, perverted comments from I-66…

  22. Elizabeth

    Pandora’s box….

  23. Patsy


  24. Velvet

    Elizabeth – I had a few months there that were just a fucking mess. Despite my attempts to let it roll off, I wasn’t doing very well at it because it manifested itself in the form of anxiety attacks. So, by not dealing with it, and letting all the shit stay in my life, I really screwed myself. But, I’m going to do better.

    Carrie – Thanks! And yes, the dating train sucks some serious ass, but it can be fun too.

    Ninja – Then I suggest you clean out your closet.

    Happy New Year everyone! I’m going to get my pills-and-drink on.

  25. I-66

    Oooh… Porn. How’d I miss that one?

  26. KassyK

    Late to the game bc I just spent all fucking day with my EX BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHH. I was good–it was so fun!! I have to say that you are hands down one of the people I feel most grateful to have met through blogging and look forward to 2007 and bathroom visits with you…I’ve learned a lot about this blogging drama being your semi-clone and its time we hold on to our pride, our trainwreckedness and our hearts.


  27. bettyjoan

    Here’s to you–and whatever makes you happy–in the new year. Loves ya!

  28. chicgirl

    I would love for your site to go back to dating.

    Did you know for every single male in DC – there are 17 females. Actually not surprising!

  29. playfulinnc

    Letting it roll off…

    That’s kinda naughty there, V.

  30. AlieMalie

    your blog is always fun to read, no matter if the subject is dating or Sammy and Thora.

    : )

  31. freckledk

    Edina and Patsy — I want to be Bubble! I must be Bubble!

    I don’t know that I would know you, were it not for your ’06 Dating Escapades. And I’m happy that I do know you, regardless of how much you’ve suffered in order for us to become friends. And it’s all about me, you see. My benefitting from your crappy year makes it all worth it in the end, doesn’t it?

    2007 is going to be THE YEAR. You’ll see. It’s going to be GREAT. xoxo

  32. barbara

    Can’t wait to see what 2007 holds for you! I have learned so much from you about a wide range of things…

  33. Not So Little Woman

    Two things darling Velvet,

    a) Don’t be hard on yourself regarding what you have felt/done/seen reflected on your blog this year. You wrote what you were feeling, you rode the waves (and a cowboy, too!) as they came and that’s ok. You were where you were and you dealt with it as you saw fit. A great thing about blogs, diaries, etc, is that they allow us to write, ponder and learn from what we lived. Besides, you may not see it, but a lot of us faithful readers read you not only for the laughs and witty and/or dirty comments, but because you put in words things we feel too. We all feel weird and negative and all… We are or have been there. We all love and support you.

    b) It’s my turn to give to you an advice you once gave me: Your heart will guide you in the right direction. In whatever you do and whatever you decide to write about.

    Here’s to a wonderful 2007 (with many, many more drinks, fun and rides up and down the garage with Sammy and Thora!

  34. Not So Little Woman

    On a less serious note, I remember the whole “El Guapo” stuff. Man! Those were fun, fun times!

  35. Washington Cube

    Have a happy new year.

  36. Bilious Pudenda

    Saddamian Rhapsody
    (To be sung to the tune of “Bohemian Rhapsody,” with apologies to Freddie Mercury)

    Is this the New Iraq
    Is this just fantasy
    Condemned by infidels
    No escape from judiciary
    Open your eyes
    Look up to the skies and see-
    I’m just a despot, I get no sympathy
    And now its easy come, easy go
    Theyre hanging me, this blows
    But even though this blows, doesnt really matter to me
    To me

    Allah, I killed some Kurds
    Rained down gas upon their heads
    Ethnic cleansing, they were dead.
    Allah, my fun had just begun
    When Bush came in and drove me away
    Sunnis, oooooo
    Hear my battle cry
    I wont be back tomorrow but
    Let violence carry on, carry on as if my death didn’t matter

    Too late, my time has come
    But I’m not gonna whine
    Like I did in court that time
    Goodbye everybody – Ill just hang here
    And leave you all behind to face the troops
    Allah, oooo (anyway the sand blows)
    Its my time to die
    I sometimes wish Id never invaded Kuwait at all-

    I see a hooded silhouetto of a man
    Oh Shiite, Oh Shiite. I’m sure hes not Baath party
    Oh and now theyre videotaping, this is irritating to me
    Gallow-dayo, gallow-day,
    Gallow-dayo, gallow-dayo
    Gallowdayo, oh no.
    I was once a poor boy nobody loved me.
    He was a poor boy from a poor family.
    Spare him his life from this monstrosity
    I’m the rightful leader here –will they let me go–
    (Iraqi government) Were in control. We will not let you go
    (Bush) Were in – I mean theyre in control. They wont let you go.
    (Kurds) Whoevers in control will not let you let him go
    Will not let you go-let me go
    Will not let you go let me go
    Be that way, be that way dont let me go
    Cause Allah akbar, there’s virgins set aside for me, for me, for me!!

    So you think you can hang me and make it all right
    So you think you can hang me and end this big fight
    No way, no fucking way
    It wont change a thing, wont change thing over here

    It wont really matter
    Anyone can see
    Killing me wont matter, this will end up as World War III.

  37. Bilious Pudenda

    It is humourous, Innit?
    I am 12 hours into 2007 where I am. Same as last year, trust me?

  38. Bilious Pudenda

    The song comes from:
    And it is copyright apparently.

  39. 6s&7s

    first post of 2007? Says velvet rocks my world. So lucky to have her as a friend….all you MFs are!

  40. Velvet

    Doubtful you delusional piece of shit. I’m sure you are in Canada, which is EXACTLY where you were last year when you purported to be in Laos.

    Lord, what a bunch of fucking bipolar schizophrenic sociopaths I’ve encountered with this blogging thing.

  41. Patsy

    Happy fucking new years, bitches!!! Drink up!1!

  42. LPM

    Woo! It’s a long way to the top if you want to blog and roll!

  43. I-66

    Wow. Don’t you have a delete button for that shit?

    Happy new year everyone.

  44. I-66

    …and by the way, I don’t want to hear any of this “working tomorrow” shit. It’s drinking time.

  45. Needtsza

    Happy New Year – Velv and others =) (except the dude pissing her off from Canada)

  46. Malnurtured Snay

    Happy New Year!

  47. The Captain

    I have to say, reading all that stuff with El Guapo from January reminded me why this blog has to be a daily read. I’m looking forward to another year of living vicariously through some of your dating adventures, since I myself will have no more.

  48. Ashburnite

    holy hell…how is it that I’ve never seen that January email exchange before today? that was too funny!

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