Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

It’s a Shame I’ve Got to Live Without You Anymore

So I’m back to my online tricks to force myself out into the dating world. Don’t ask what site(s) because it has been a difficult mess in which to wade. Frankly, UNLIKE LAST TIME, I don’t want someone spying out my profile, right clicking and saving my pictures and emailing them to everyone they know saying, “Hey, this is Velvet.” Fucking psycho. Yeah, I know you did that. Bitch.

Back to me.

Clearly I just care less right now than I have been known to in the past. Let’s start (and end with) the hair. I tied it up for work on Friday. When I took it out of it’s cage at the end of the day, it was a little stringy. My first thought: “Shit, I have a date tonight,” was quickly followed by my second thought: “Who cares.” And, I don’t. See, it is this kind of thinking that is going to get me in trouble. Because I will walk into a date with some stud and I’ll have stringy hair and spinach in my teeth because I didn’t care enough to try. And he will probably find it charming. Then I’ll morph into who I really am and he won’t like me because I’m not the same “real” girl he first met. But if I go looking good and being all charming and witty, then I’ll never get rid of them because odds are that 99% of these guys I won’t want to see again. Ever. See? I’ve got myself set up for anxiety AND failure at the same time. A psychologist’s dream I am. Yes siree.

The first date back out there I wanted to be with someone totally not my type. It was my “practice date.” I haven’t been out with anyone in six months. Anyway, the chap who asked me out first was quite aggressive over email, and I just figured I would use the “oh, my poor broken heart, I guess I’m just not ready to date anyone” line if he tried to pursue things. Then we shared some texts and he was mildly rude in some, accusing me of bailing when I gave NO indication at all that I was waffling. I wasn’t. I needed “Practice Date.” We finally agreed on a time and place, and I texted back and ask if he’s done with work and ready. He replies ten minutes before we’re supposed to meet that he’s still tied up with work. I text back to just let me know when he’s ready. Then? Nothing. Zip. Aah, the magic. The man spent the last 24 hours accusing me of bailing, only to effectively bail. And because I am in the “not caring” mode, I remained unmoved, in sweats, ratty hair in a ponytail, no makeup. I knew he was going to bail all along so I never even got up to get ready. HA! So, that’s for you, shitwipe.

Of course the management lesson here applies, that people are always guilty of what they constantly accuse you. The boyfriend who nags his girlfriend about cheating is usually the one who is screwing around. The old boss I had who was so sure everyone was taking money out of his pocket, was in effect, cheating and stealing from others. The guy who accuses me of bailing – will be the one who bails. I sniffed it out and that’s why I never took off the sweatpants.

Sixes and Sevens tried to convince me to come to Local 16, but I hopped on IM with some Greek guy, then got a call from someone else who wanted to meet for a drink. I know, I’m quick. I ain’t fucking around anymore. It’s the year of first dates. Or something like that. And the naming system this year includes a number at the end. Much easier to keep track. So, on Friday night I met BillGates1, so named for his involvement in computers. He’s been into computers since way way way before many of us hit high school. He knows some pretty big names in the Geek Kingdom, and told me who some of his friends are. He’s started a handful of companies, but finds his work boring to discuss. We had a couple drinks, I chowed some mozzy sticks, and he walked me home. No chemistry, but it was pleasant enough and I agreed to go out with him again. Besides, even if it doesn’t work out, I could use a friend like him. Must surround myself with smart people.

I swear, when I got in my elevator, I jumped up and down, not for the sheer excitedness of the date, but because all I could say to myself was, “I WENT OUT WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN SHERLOCK!!!”

Saturday, I had an impromptu run-in with the adorable etcetera at the Pet Store. Sammy and Thora barreled into the place and I heard someone say, “Is that Sammy and Thora?” Then we identified each other, by blog name, in front of the clerk. Yeah, we’re geeks. And I feel like Sammy and Thora are famous! Hooray! Now if I can just get them modeling contracts…I’d be the greatest pageant mom evah! Oh but etcetera, I wouldn’t wear the get up I wore to the store, I looked like hell. Ick. Moving right along…

In the evening, after I downloaded some much needed 80’s rock, (Helloooo Billy Squier,) I met FreckledK at um, a bar. I have to stop saying names of bars because then “people” end up showing up there. I convinced another suitor I’m speaking to, via text, to come from his bar to my bar. So, he arrives. And he’s not as cute as I had thought. Oops. Then we had a great conversation and he said, “How forward can I be?” I said, “Go ahead.” He said, “Will you get embarrassed?” I said, “Probably. Text it to me.” So he gets his phone and texts something about um, wanting to lick me all over. Yeah. All righty. I took off for the bathroom, but not before he put his hands all over me. And the slide up the back of the shirt, ugh. Then he tried to kiss me. Code RED Code RED! Gotta pee! Disaster averted. Dude, don’t try that again or you might find my fist in your face. I’m so unprepared for the dating world.

I found Sixes and Sevens humping a man by the bathroom. Awesome. Then we caught up on what we had done since we last saw each other a few hours earlier. I went back to my, um, date, who is now known as HandUpTheBack2, and she took off. When I sat down again, the hands were ALL OVER me and he was saying things about how great I looked and blah blah blah. Don’t men realize when you are recoiling and not into their advances? I said something to him when he acted all weird, “I’m totally not out here looking for sex.” Ugh. I have to say, it all made me sick, then it made me think of Sherlock. Damn him for entering my mind. FreckledK invented an excuse about being tired, which was so lame because he knew we were bailing, and we ran out of there so fast I am now officially embarrassed for my entire gender.

Street Talk
Velvet: What’s today? January 6th? Great. 359 days left in the year and what, at this rate, 240 more dates?
FreckledK: Do you like him?
Velvet: I did until he put his hands on me. Then it made me miss Sherlock. And damn me for saying that. It just felt weird to me, like I was doing something wrong.
FreckledK: I know EXACTLY what you are talking about.

Then. I swear. Ask her if you don’t believe me. Sherlock texted me. Right at that moment. 2 a.m. Said he was just thinking about me. I replied, “Me too.” We talked for a bit, but it was so strained. Mostly because I’m a freak. We have not been speaking a whole hell of a lot these days. I suppose he was drunk. But I brought FreckledK home and returned home to man the email. I need an assistant to help me weed through these men. Though, I’m not being picky, I’m just trying to get “back out there.” So I’ll pretty much go out with anyone who isn’t married or a serial killer. Not that I would even know either of those things until it is too late.

HandUpTheBack2 texted a couple times when I was driving FreckledK home, and then this morning at 9 a.m. (WTF??) to ask if he got a second chance. I didn’t respond, mostly because I didn’t know what to say. He sent an email saying something about being sorry it got so weird, and he was drunk and blah. Whatever. And…out!

I was supposed to have a date tonight, but he just emailed about it getting late or something, and there’s the rain, and my having just woken up from a nap so I’m not feeling charming at all. Several others on deck. I’ll keep you posted. And hopefully this nagging feeling that I’m doing something wrong by dating again will go away.


  1. I-66

    Jesus. Velvet you don’t have anything to feel bad about. You’re not committed to him or anything, so all is fair game.

  2. Wicked H

    Get yourself out there girl! I-66 is right, all’s fair.

    I’ll be living vicariously through you. For me, hermitville is much more enticing and I am too old for the dating game BS.

  3. LPM

    The thoroughly bullshit thoughts of me:
    1. My advice is to date when you want to, not when you think you “should be dating.

    2. If you have problems with someone, you have problems with someone. It doesn’t make you a freak, it just means you have problems with them.

    3.Beware people who find their work “boring to discuss.” Trust me, tue geeks (I’m one) looooooooove to talk about their geekly-work. They’ll only stop talking about it when they notice the blood leaking from your eyes and ears. The “good” geeks will then apologize and then ask you to explain whatever boring shit is involved in your work. If you notice blood from their eyes and ears, that means they’re making an attempt to listen.

    4. I made a post about putting the moves on girls and winding up on the sexual offenders list. Someone said, “Oh no, it’d be ok.” Well, as we can see, if you’re not Antonio Friggin’ Banderas —-> then joo is on ze list!

  4. KassyK

    I HATE dating so I’ll live vicariously through you. I won’t go out on a blind date. I won’t get set up. I won’t meet through the internet. Why do I hate dating so much??????

    Now you…YOU my dear are putting yourself out there and I give you huge amounts of credit for that. Its fucking hard.

    You aren’t doing anything wrong but I do understand the feeling. I am convinced I’ll never have another boyfriend again bc of how long I was with the ex…its natural to feel conflicted and confused.

    Just go with your gut and you’ll do great.

  5. la whisky

    Okay – since I’m taking a break from blogging and dating, feel free to include me as an online dating screener/consigliere. Its not like I’m doing anything aside from watching telenovelas and not eating at the moment.

  6. freckledk

    I have the whole recap-convo on my voicemail, as Velvet’s cell (unbeknownst to her or I) had called my cell as she drove me home and recorded the whole thing.

    And my excuse would have been lame and transparent, were it not for the fact that I was yelling, “HOME!” and pouting like a three year-old throwing a temper tantrum. And really, if this guy couldn’t get that you were cringing every time he put his hands on you, I doubt that he caught on to the ruse behind our leaving.

  7. Velvet

    I66 – I know. And it certainly won’t stop him from doing whatever he wants. But once my heart gets all tangled into it, it becomes hard for me to just reprogram and get back out there. The other excuse is also that I’ve just not met anyone to light the fire yet. Sigh! You boys. Messing with our heads and all.

    Wicked H – Ha! As I just said to you on email, this isn’t fun, but it certainly is funny.

    LPM – Long term, the speed record dating will make me feel better. Or empty. We’ll see. It’s just a process to find someone fun enought to shake you out of your rut. But you know that, cause you gots a wife and all!

    KK – Totally know what you are saying. Sometimes like with your ex, they are just too important to ruin their memory with just anyone. Though Sherlock and I weren’t together nearly as long as you and the ex. And you are too personable to NOT find another BF. And you’re totally not cliquey at all. HA!

    La Whisky – Um, that word, “consigliere” it’s so fancy! Look at you! Sure, have at it! I’d love for you to be the screener, though EVERYONE is getting through the screening process these days. I’m just barreling through and trying to not be picky, since all my old rules haven’t worked before.

    FK – That was HILARIOUS!! HOME! HOME!!!! He was like, “That is sooo lame.” I did answer his email by the way, and I said, “I’m sorry, I just got a little freaked out by how affectionate you were…with your hands.” That was weird.

  8. Elizabeth




  9. freckledk

    If he were cute (and sorry, he wasn’t) I wouldn’t mind where he put his hands. But that’s just me and the Miller Lite talking. I’m kind of a whore.

    You can and will do better. This is going to be an interesting year…can’t wait to see who and what comes along.

  10. freckledk

    Oh, and you forgot to mention the contents of his texts, pre-arrival at the bar that shall remain nameless….that whole bit about the panties. That was kind of ooogy.
    I actually just got a little nauseous, thinking about it. Eww.

  11. Velvet

    Oh yeah!I forgot that too. Eek! And you were like, “Maybe he meant pansies and he’s typing with the T-9?” Or auto-word, whatever that is on everyone else’s phone. Because all he wrote was “ur panties” after we said we weren’t going to his bar in (F)arlington.

  12. Red

    Thank you for reminding me why I’m not doing the online dating thing again.
    Stay strong Sistah! If any one can weed em out you can.

  13. Meghan

    Ewwwww ewwwww ewwwww.
    NO hands up the back, in public, with someone you JUST met . . . WHAT a damn freak! And that’s not even taking into account his weirdness on panties textmails, etc.

    But don’t let him ruin the upcoming experiences.

    I’ve got hope for ya, Velvet.

  14. Drunken Chud

    how do you feel about the metro detroit area? i’m neither married nor a serial killer. but i am all man!

  15. jordanbaker

    I probably just alarmed my neighbors by screaming shrilly when I read about that guy texting that he wanted to lick you. That’s just not something you say the first time you meet someone.

  16. Not So Little Woman

    Ewww, ewww, ewww on the panties, licking and hands up the back! Don’t guys just have a clue? Or is it that sometimes men think that online dating means we are desperate? Can’t he see how hot you are (I’ve never seen you, but just inherently know it)? Please, desperate you are not.

    Moving along to other topics, I know exactly how you feel about other men dating you, touching you, etc and how it feels you are betraying another one who has been important. But that’s why what you are doing is so corageous. The only way to move on and to not have those feelings come up again is to go out and date and eventually forget how it felt to be with the one that hurt us.

  17. upstairs neighbor

    you’re quick to get back to work…

    and what you’re all saying is the hand up the back thing isn’t cool..? damn.

  18. Not So Little Woman

    P.S. I agree with Elizabeth. Neeext!

  19. LMNt

    Hahaha!!! Glad to know I’m not the only one having interestingly bad dates. Welcome back to the club.

    Oh, and DAMN YANKEES!!!!!! I LOVE THAT SONG!!!!!

  20. 6s&7s

    oh and weren’t you GLAD I was there to take you to the bathroom….UH? UH?! CREDIT?!

  21. JohnnyDC

    I watched Karate Kid on saturday instead of the playoffs.

    It rocked.

  22. Velvet

    Red – I think I’ll end up weeding EVERYONE out, but we’ll see.

    Meghan – Hand up the back, totally grossed out.

    Chud – We TALKED about Detroit. It’s a no-go. You have to move here.

    JB – I would agree. And I should have texted back my infamous, “I have a yeast infection” conversation killer. But I was too freaked.

    NSLW – I hear ya. Loud and clear. I guess there is something in me that just has to accept that I’m moving on, or whatever. And that “other hands” will find their way to my back and one of these times it won’t feel so, wrong.

    Upstairs Neighbor – Quick? Really? It’s been about a month now.

    LMNt – I’ve been jamming to some 80’s rock. I’m loving it.

    Sixes & Sevens – I DO LOVE you for taking me to the bathroom. Due credit where credit is due.

    JohnnyDC – You are so married. Ha ha!

  23. la whisky

    Also, loved the Damn Yankees reference. Seriously.

  24. hey pretty

    I hate dating. I have two this week. Sigh.

  25. Dan

    >> And hopefully this nagging feeling that I’m doing something wrong by dating again will go away. Velvet! If it doesn’t feel right, maybe it’s time to start dating women? Mmm…. lesbian Velvet…

    And while I don’t condone bad-man date behavior, omg could I write a book on women who online date, so gear down everyone – let’s remember it’s not all men; it’s just the men Vel dates.

  26. barbara

    Oh, Velvet — This is not an auspicious start. I’m already starting to picture you in bed with the next one thinking about none other than Sherlock. Maybe you need hypnosis?

  27. *A*

    oh no my biggest pet peeve is guys that are too all over me right away, like they have never been near a girl before…there is a fine line between confident (yum) and skeevy (ICK!)….haha

  28. Scarlet

    HandUpTheBack2 needs to learn about body language.

  29. Patsy

    See, every once in a while, I start wishing I was single again. Then I read about HandsUpTheBack2, and I realize that I’m so very glad that I’m not single again. Sorry man. I’m gonna have to get you some mace.

  30. Phil

    the best thing about marriage is the elimination of “dating”.

  31. etcetera

    i heart sammy’s ears. and thora’s paws. i’m sorry i didn’t have my bundles of joy with me to show them off. we’ll see you at the dog park soon, though.

  32. washingtoncube

    Velvet in the trenches. Doin’ it so you don’t have to. I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, but it sounds right, after reading that mess.

  33. bejeweled

    “I swear, when I got in my elevator, I jumped up and down, not for the sheer excitedness of the date, but because all I could say to myself was, I WENT OUT WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN SHERLOCK!!!” Oh how this comment made me smile. I’ve been there and know what that feels like. Welcome back to the dating arena. You’ve just gotten over a huge hurtle. Big relief, isn’t it??

  34. Velvet

    Hey Pretty – Be sure to report back!!!

    Dan – No I’m not a lesbian, and yes, it is just the men I date. I swear.

    Barbara – Okay. I’ll take hypnosis.

    *A* – Don’t you miss dating? I know you do. Admit it!

    Scarlet – And he also needs to learn manners. Jesus.

    Patsy – I did once think I should bring mace on my dates. It’s not a bad idea.

    Phil – Oh, you evil temptor. Lulling myself and etcetera into a love trance and then tossing out the “marriage” card. Mmm hmm.

    etc – It was SO GREAT meeting you! We’ll get the doggies together.

    Cube – I keep saying “it can only get better” but, I say that all the time and it never gets better.

    Bejeweled – Well, just dating. The hand on me made me recoil and miss him. I’m a certified mess.

  35. Not So Little Woman

    Darling, we are all certified messes. Welcome to the club!

  36. washingtoncube

    :::raising paw as certified mess:::

  37. Alejandra

    Bravo Woman, You are much braver than I. I’m trying to force myself to get out there but all it’s all I can do to not break into tears in a bar. I’ve been not returning calls for months now. I need to just do it. Even my dad was like “Why not set up an online profile?” My dad said this. Let me repeat: my dad.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

© 2024 Velvet in Dupont

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑