Ongoing: If you can help Barkley find a home, click here for more info.
It’s another busy ass week for me. Jesus. I was in a meeting out of the office today and have another one in another office tomorrow. No internet! How will I survive? I’m painfully behind in my online endeavors. After I spent two hours at the gym tonight working off all the food I ate this past weekend, I came home, and my first stop was Bloomingdales.com. Oops. Details below. Anyway, I collected the following tidbits last week and here we go…Velvet Variety Hour, installment three.
1. The Dry Cleaner
Thanks to Thora and her affection for vomiting on my down comforter, I, once again, stripped my bed and carried everything to the dry cleaners. When I walked in I could hear the man who owns the dry cleaner say something from the other side of the pile of comforter in my arms and covering my face:
Dry Cleaner: Dog vomit again?
Velvet: “Yes sir.”
I then dropped the comforters and bowed my head in shame.
2. Dupont Circle Should be on Alaska Time
Sixes and Sevens, sounding groggy, on the phone Monday: So, are you on your way to work?
Velvet: It’s 2:15!
Sixes and Sevens: It is?
Sixes and Sevens: Ohhhhh. I should go to work.
3. Overheard at a Caps Game:
Girl: Honey can you hold my beer?
Honey: Yeah, are you bringing it with you?
Girl: I can’t hold the baby and the beer and walk down the steps!
10 minutes pass.
Friend of Girl to Honey: Hey, she’s outside feeding the baby and she wants her beer, can you pass it to me?
4. Stupid Velvet
Velvet: I tried to print something off my blog and I somehow sent the entire month of January, which wasn’t bad because I wanted the pictures of what my parents left behind when they were here. I planned on throwing the stuff I didn’t want away. But then I went to the printer and waited for a really long time before realizing something was wrong. I went back to my computer and, yeah, I sent it to another printer in the company.
Sixes and Sevens: OH MY GOD! RUNNNNN!
Velvet: No, you don’t get it. It’s in another state!
Sixes and Sevens: OH. MY. GOD.
Velvet: Yeah. I guess I should call there. Fuck.
The ending to that story is that I have more readers now. Mmm hmm that’s right.
5. Statements I Really and Truly Hope I Never Hear Again:
“Did you see the parody blog?”
“Do you know who is writing the new parody blog?”
“Ohmygod, there’s another parody blog!”
People, I don’t know! I need a fucking Cliff’s Notes blog now to keep up. There’s my recommendation – can someone create a “daily highlights of parody blogs” blog so that I can just read that one when I have time to catch up? Great. Thanks.
6. Blog-a-holics Anonymous.
Sixes and Sevens: Hi, my name is Sixes and Sevens and I’m a blog-a-holic.
Crowd: Hiiiii Sixes and Sevensssssssss
Sixes and Sevens: Velvet said she’s going to put parental controls on my computer if I don’t stop reading blogs all day.
7. Am I Hearing This Right?
Guy at Work: I hate Prescription Medicine. I got Percoset last week and I took one and threw the rest away.
Velvet: What??? HOW COULD YOU??? WE LOVE PRESCRIPTION MEDS IN DUPONT CIRCLE, I WOULD HAVE BEEN THE HIT OF THE DOG PARRRRRK!!!!!!
8. Movie Review
Velvet: This is the worst movie I’ve ever seen. What is it called?
Sherlock: Uh…Co-Ed Sex Parties, Six Hours of Dick Crazed Girls.
Velvet: I think I’m going to throw up. No one should ever watch this movie.
Sherlock: I think it’s good, but let’s give it to Ninja.
Velvet: Ooh. Good idea. I’ll send him a text.
Velvet: I spent $800 on Bloomingdales.com today.
Sherlock: What did you get me?
Velvet: Nothing. (under breath…Unless you can fit into some DVF wraps and a St. John dress. And no I’m not 80 years old, St. John’s new print model is Angelina Jolie, so apparently they are now targeting women my age. Shut up Sherlock. Don’t make fun.)
10. Pontification and Mortal Enemies
When various people who you despise find each other and make friends, is it a real friendship or is it just a friendship based on having a mutual enemy? I don’t know the answer to that, but what I do know is that it is all very very transparent. And convenient. I like my enemies all in one place where I can keep tabs on them.