Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Velvet Variety Hour Number Fo!

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It’s another busy ass week for me. Jesus. I was in a meeting out of the office today and have another one in another office tomorrow. No internet! How will I survive? I’m painfully behind in my online endeavors. After I spent two hours at the gym tonight working off all the food I ate this past weekend, I came home, and my first stop was Oops. Details below. Anyway, I collected the following tidbits last week and here we go…Velvet Variety Hour, installment three.

1. The Dry Cleaner
Thanks to Thora and her affection for vomiting on my down comforter, I, once again, stripped my bed and carried everything to the dry cleaners. When I walked in I could hear the man who owns the dry cleaner say something from the other side of the pile of comforter in my arms and covering my face:

Dry Cleaner: Dog vomit again?
Velvet: “Yes sir.”
I then dropped the comforters and bowed my head in shame.

2. Dupont Circle Should be on Alaska Time
Sixes and Sevens, sounding groggy, on the phone Monday:
So, are you on your way to work?
Velvet: It’s 2:15!
Sixes and Sevens: It is?
Velvet: Yeahhhhh
Sixes and Sevens: Ohhhhh. I should go to work.

3. Overheard at a Caps Game:
Honey can you hold my beer?
Honey: Yeah, are you bringing it with you?
Girl: I can’t hold the baby and the beer and walk down the steps!

10 minutes pass.
Friend of Girl to Honey:
Hey, she’s outside feeding the baby and she wants her beer, can you pass it to me?

4. Stupid Velvet
I tried to print something off my blog and I somehow sent the entire month of January, which wasn’t bad because I wanted the pictures of what my parents left behind when they were here. I planned on throwing the stuff I didn’t want away. But then I went to the printer and waited for a really long time before realizing something was wrong. I went back to my computer and, yeah, I sent it to another printer in the company.
Sixes and Sevens: OH MY GOD! RUNNNNN!
Velvet: No, you don’t get it. It’s in another state!
Sixes and Sevens: OH. MY. GOD.
Velvet: Yeah. I guess I should call there. Fuck.

The ending to that story is that I have more readers now. Mmm hmm that’s right.

5. Statements I Really and Truly Hope I Never Hear Again:

“Did you see the parody blog?”
“Do you know who is writing the new parody blog?”
“Ohmygod, there’s another parody blog!”

People, I don’t know! I need a fucking Cliff’s Notes blog now to keep up. There’s my recommendation – can someone create a “daily highlights of parody blogs” blog so that I can just read that one when I have time to catch up? Great. Thanks.

6. Blog-a-holics Anonymous.
Sixes and Sevens:
Hi, my name is Sixes and Sevens and I’m a blog-a-holic.
Crowd: Hiiiii Sixes and Sevensssssssss
Sixes and Sevens: Velvet said she’s going to put parental controls on my computer if I don’t stop reading blogs all day.

7. Am I Hearing This Right?
Guy at Work:
I hate Prescription Medicine. I got Percoset last week and I took one and threw the rest away.

8. Movie Review
This is the worst movie I’ve ever seen. What is it called?
Sherlock: Uh…Co-Ed Sex Parties, Six Hours of Dick Crazed Girls.
Velvet: I think I’m going to throw up. No one should ever watch this movie.
Sherlock: I think it’s good, but let’s give it to Ninja.
Velvet: Ooh. Good idea. I’ll send him a text.

9. Oops
I spent $800 on today.
Sherlock: What did you get me?
Velvet: Nothing. (under breath…Unless you can fit into some DVF wraps and a St. John dress. And no I’m not 80 years old, St. John’s new print model is Angelina Jolie, so apparently they are now targeting women my age. Shut up Sherlock. Don’t make fun.)

10. Pontification and Mortal Enemies
When various people who you despise find each other and make friends, is it a real friendship or is it just a friendship based on having a mutual enemy? I don’t know the answer to that, but what I do know is that it is all very very transparent. And convenient. I like my enemies all in one place where I can keep tabs on them.


  1. KassyK

    Hahahaha this post was classic and who in their right mind throws away PERCS?!

  2. Velvet

    KK – What’s really funny is that I sat next to the percoset-trasher in the meeting today. I should have passed him a note that said, “See, we’re here allllll day then we get to drive home in the ice. Guess who wishes they had those percoset now?”

  3. elvis

    10 reasons I keep coming back. If you were on TV, I’d have you TiVo’d. Or DVR’d. Oh heck, I’d just buy the Velvet Variety Hour DVD disc-set.

  4. E :)

    Hang on, he threw out prescription meds? Who in their right mind would do that? Then again, I think I still have some prescriptions from the 80’s in my medicine cabinet.

  5. jordanbaker

    I’m with E:)–you don’t bin that shit. I’ll probably never need my 4 year old Cipro, but I feel very safe knowing that it’s there.

  6. homeimprovementninja

    I have a few thought on this post:

    1) The guy who threw out the percocet should be shot. When I had my wisdom teeth removed, I switched to that crappy Tylenol with Codeine on the second day because I wanted to save the Vicodin for special occassions. And THAT guy just throws the good stuff in the trash? SACRILIGE!

    2) The porn: I told one of the attendees of your recent girls night out about your “porn fairy” nickname.

    Her: Porn fairy?

    Me: yeah, I was feeling a little blue, so she brought me a bag full of porn…which is way better than chicken soup.

    Her: She has a whole bag of porn?

    Me: My guess is she has several. If you only had one bag of porn left, you wouldn’t give it away. I’ve lent people porn before, but if I was down to my last bag of it…then…forget it, I don’t even want to imagine a world where I was in danger of losing the last of my porn.

    3. I think I need to join the blogaholics group. I should start by getting rid of bloglines, my blog pusher.

  7. playfulinnc

    #10 happens all the time. It will wear off and they’ll give up pouring haterade on you and form other hatertot groups.

  8. freckledk

    6’s & 7’s is such a fuckin rebel. I love her.

    I’ve had dreams about that family at the Caps game. I didn’t think folks from Appalachia made it over to the big city, but I was proven wrong on that particular night.

    Oh, and I wish I could go back in time and drop-kick that woman’s gigantic handbag. Remember that?

    Hockey fans sure are fugly (except for the people in our row, of course). I’m used to baseball fans, who are much more attractive.

  9. 6s&7s

    wait a minute here…now I know why you have been so aloof…it’s pick on 6s&7s today. I won’t rat you out on WHY I read so many blogs (remember yesterday’s emergency) because I ACTUALLY LIKE YOU, but **sniffle** what did I do besides be (drunk) cute, and go to work after 2 in the afternoon and support you through your disasterous printing fuck up….Huh? Why no love…on days of all days…

    and if it were blog reading or reading the president’s shit ass budget I think you too would pick blogs….(although I’m with you on the parody “huh?”)

  10. 6s&7s

    and thank you Freckled K, you know I **heart** you too!

  11. marie

    #6 hit too close to home.. Does 6s&7s work in my same agency? being able to get in work so late and reading blogs all day sounds VERY familiar. *sigh*

  12. carrie m

    i’m “working” from home today b/c of the weather. i’m doing a great job of keeping up with blogs, since that is my unofficial job apparently. when will it start paying me?

  13. *A*

    Hi my name is A and I am a blog-aholic also. My job is so mind-numbingly bored that all I do is read blogs all day long.
    I wish I had that guys percocet, would make the day go by a little faster….

  14. Velvet

    E:) and Jordan Baker – No shit. I love Percoset. How dare he??

    Ninja – I got rid of bloglines a long time ago. Basically I read now off my own links. So if you aren’t in my sidebar, then I don’t read you. It’s much easier this way.

    Playful – HA! It’s funny actually. I love when psychos all find each other. It’s comical. I was just telling Sherlock the incredible similarities among this group, it’s no wonder they all became friends.

    Freckled – that lady was so big, and that baby was so tiny. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around how that happened.

    6’s & 7’s – Actually, I wasn’t aloof. I was sleeping! Once I looked out the window and assessed that I couldn’t get Speedracer out of the garage, I decided to bag work for the day and work from home. But then that big nap got in the way and now I just had my V-day lunch with Shirley (That’s Sherlock for the rest of you) who by the way said he got a hard on when you grinded on him at Wonderland. HA! And I’m just TEASING YOU about the blogs. It was funny, come on!

    Marie – 6’s and 7’s works by herself. I don’t think there’s an agency to speak of. It’s her and one other girl.

    Carrie M – I know, today was my day to catch up and I’m blowing that off too!!

    *A* – Aww! If I could get that Percoset from the trash I’d share!

  15. Tacoma!

    Velvet can have all of my percoset or valium or etc. Can’t stand downers- I drool and have disturbing dreams.
    I would like to join with *A* and 6’s&7’s to form a support group to fight Blog addiction, are there any blogs I can read about it? Or do we need to create one. One day I will say “it’s been 3 years, 6 months and 14 days since my last blog visit”

  16. I-66

    [raising an eyebrow]

  17. Alejandra

    I love this sampler. It’s like a delicious Velvet buffet. And a few things…I threw out some cipro recently and then was hit with the world’s worst UTI. I spent two days curled up in bed wincing before I was able to get a doctor’s appointment, and I was seriously kicking myself for having thrown out the meds. Also, I love St. John! It’s not just for old ladies anymore… 😉 I’ve done the printer thing too…although it’s usually just recipes that I’m printing, but then I spend all day wondering where the hell I sent them to…

  18. Marci

    Damn. I feel left out of the club because I cannot handle Percoset. Or OTC allergy meds for that matter.

    Jealous of the dresses. I want pretty dresses. Now, off to raise my limit with go ol’ CitiBank…

  19. Velvet

    Marci don’t be jealous…I just got an email from Bloomingdales. “We’re sorry, we’ve canceled your St. John dress as it is discontinued.” Great.

    Alejandra – See above! ST. JOHN DRESS GONE! Damn!

    I66 – Don’t raise your eyebrow at me boy!

    Tacoma! – I love how I got you out of the bloggy closet too. Ha! Bar sex…too funny.

  20. Scarlet

    A Cliffs Notes version of parody blogs is a great idea! I’m never in the know (not that I’m exactly upset about that.)

  21. freckledk

    Tacoma, I will perform sexual favors for a few of those Valium. They are my FAVORITE.

    Okay, I won’t really perform the sexual favors, but I will like you a whole lot.

  22. Not So Little Woman

    Sign me up for the blog-aholics too! I should be reading for school, but nooooooo!!! Instead I’m reading blogs and stressing about all the school work I’m not doing…

    Oh, and I also keep my old meds. My roommates think I’m mad for doing so. That’ll be true until they come to ask to take some….

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