Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Just Another Day Here at Velvet in Dupont

Two things.

First, that fucking Ninja tagged me for a god damned MEME. Why do they call them that? Anyway, it’s “Five Weird Things About Me.” Fine. This is going to be quick because I’m busy!

1) When Sammy and Thora lose a whisker and I find it in the house, I save it. Shut up. I’m a freak. Might I remind you this is the “Five weird things about me” list not the “why I should be poster child for normal” list.

2) I have a Harley but I’m afraid to go faster than 55 m.p.h. I’m planning on selling it.

3) Yesterday was just one of many days where I had a lengthy and detailed discussion with my boss, one of the highest ranking VP’s in our company, about vibrators, waxing and orgasms. Anyone who thinks that my company finding out I have a blog would be detrimental for my career should reread that previous sentence a few times. If we sit around and discuss that stuff, no one is going to care that I write a blog. And most of them know anyway.

4) I’ve been manhandled and thrown out of a strip bar for taking pictures of Brianna Banks, best porn star ever.

5) I won’t let anyone sleep in my bed unless they have showered. In college, if I hooked up and a guy tried to stay in my bed with me, and he was all sweaty and drunk, I would sleep in the chair until he sobered enough for me to kick him out. Then I would strip the bed, put clean sheets on, shower, and go to sleep.

Don’t tag me again or I’ll beat you senseless, even if I have to come to the Cheights and risk my personal safety to do it.

Second, I’ve been nominated for some contest for Best Blog. I guess I’m supposed to campaign, but like Millhouse says on the Simpsons, “My mom says I’m the best!”

I tried to embed the poll here, but it didn’t work. So just click here and vote for me. Or someone else. Last check, Circumlocutor was beating all our asses.


  1. homeimprovementninja

    First of all, it’s SIX Weird Things. So I guess the sixth weird thing about you is that you can’t count ;P

    Secondly, what do you do with the whiskers? Do you save them and sew them together into a weird silence of the lambs type body suit?

  2. homeimprovementninja

    Oh, I should add that I KNOW that number 4 is true because you emailed me the Brianna pics. Those were so hot they almost melted my computer.

  3. Velvet

    Oh shut up and go vote for me.

    The whiskers are in a Brandy Snifter. Again, Shut up. It’s “Whatever number of weird things about me” not “this is why I would make a nice normal wife someday!!!”

  4. Claudia Crawford

    I voted for you ten times!!!!!!!

  5. I-66

    So when the bike is gone, you’ll have to change the header?

  6. Brock

    If it would make you feel better, I’d be more than happy to get the bike above 60 before you sell it. And I’d ask how much you want for it if I had more than twelve bucks.

  7. carrie m

    how do you even FIND the whiskers? of course, misty has little runty whiskers and if they fall out she would look kinda weird. but still cute.

    dude, i voted for you like a million times and the stupid percentage doesn’t change. rigged!

  8. Tacoma!

    Just when I thought I knew you– Dog whiskers.
    As for the Harley, we all know another thing Harleys are good for:)
    And now I imagine you as an empress pointing at men “Bath him and bring him to me”
    Also– Could what’s her face BE any crazier? I don’t think so!

  9. Velvet

    I 66 – Yes. When the bike is gone I’ll change the image to that of me riding a…vibrator.

    Brock – I need a leeeetle more than $12.

    Carrie M – Thora and Sammy have black whiskers. They are easy to spot.

    Tacoma! – I know, I’m a lameoid. And by “what’s her face” do you mean who I think you mean? Check out her ill-fated attempt to bash me on Virgle Kent’s blog from last week. (I do so love how all the chicks I have branded as “desperately in need of meds” are now surprisingly in his following…hmm…he doesn’t like Velvet, we don’t like Velvet, let’s go comment on his blog cause we all have minds of our own!!) Anyway, what she said didn’t go over well because in her attempt to insult me, she insulted many other bloggers but actually not me because, well, I’m not from the state she was making fun of. Instead of insulting me, she showed her true colors again and insulted a bunch of others. Oh, and she’s also emailed more crap to more bloggers about “the real Velvet” and if you “get together with some other bloggers, you will learn the truth about her.” OMG. That bitch needs a dose of reality and a good psychiatrist.

  10. Velvet

    OHHHHHHH! I just thought of another weird thing. This makes six!!

    I’m allergic to mascara!

  11. Barbara

    Saving those whiskers is right up there with saving you baby teeth. Was that your idea or your parents’ idea?

  12. Texpundit

    “If it would make you feel better, Id be more than happy to get the bike above 60 before you sell it.”

    Nah…what Velvet needs is someone to take it out with her on the back, drop it into 2nd gear…and run it up close to the redline for a couple minutes.

    They don’t call ’em “Milwaukee Vibrators” for nothin’. 😉

  13. DCVita

    I dunno what I would do with myself if I was addicted to Mascara. That is the only product that I will put on my face sometimes! I am actually like you when it comes to my bed. And if anyone uses it, I have to wash the sheets the next day.

  14. DCVita

    I meant allergic. Do you see how I have a problem. yes, I am addicted to mascara.

  15. KassyK

    I love Briana Banks. Good lord she is hot…and she is amazing in real life. Did you know she took care of her younger sister bc her mom wasn’t able to care for them (not sure if her mom was mentally unstable or on drugs) but she worked her ass off so she could adopt her sister (pre porn).

    Shes my #1 porn girl. Love her.

  16. freckledk

    Wow. I suddenly feel so much closer to you now.

    And I voted for you, of course.

  17. Scarlet

    I will definitely vote for you….much like I will vote for Giuliani:)

  18. Not So Little Woman

    I don’t save the dogs whiskers, but I refuse to fully de-hair my clothes. My dogs are part of what makes me happy, so I happily wear their hair.

    Oh (don’t ask me how I know this, I don’t remember) “Meme”s are called that because they’re all about “me”, meaning you talk about yourself in response to whatever topic is presented. Seems the one Ninja tagged you with is going around. I’ve seen it in lots of blogs already.

  19. Not So Little Woman

    PS. I voted for you. In my office computer and here at home.

  20. Pookness

    I save my cat’s whiskers too! I guess I’m a freak. I saved my family’s cat’s whiskers growing up and its the only thing I have of her now that she’s passed.

    PS-Love your website…fucking girl power!

  21. Fencer4

    Apparently “Meme” is from Greek mimos, “mimic”
    (I don’t have to be SMRT. I just have to know how to find stuff on the internet!)

    I’ll give you $20 for the bike. Let the bidding begin! Actually I might be interested in it. Let me know the details.

  22. namaste

    you are hysterical.

  23. Serena

    Amen re: memes! Ditto to no sleeping in my bed unless showered.

  24. circumlocutor

    I have a shirt, made from a potato sack, with a large rooster on the back. I’ll gladly trade you the shirt — along with a “Hello Kitty” purse-thing and one Turkish man — for your bike. Please respond promptly if interested.

  25. beaker

    Brianna is my favorite too. Man can she ever suck a dick

  26. beaker

    and why am i not emailed these pics? lol

    and i can’t vote. doesn’t work but I voted for you in spirit

  27. Martin

    4) Ive been manhandled and thrown out of a strip bar for taking pictures of Brianna Banks, best porn star ever.

    Having also been privileged enough to see said pics, I still gotta say that Brianna isn’t all that. Jenna Jameson, Kaylani Lei, and Sydnee Steele could all dust her in a knob-polishing contest.

    I sense a future blog topic in the offing. 😉

  28. G

    Clean sheets are the foundation of a good lay.

  29. Rusty

    Briana Banks is really gross. If you’re going to get implants, get good implants.

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