Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

He’s a One Stop Shop, Makes My Panties Drop

When I looked at the condition of Sherlock’s mattress in the daylight, I had to tilt my head to one side. Then the other side. Something wasn’t right.

Velvet: You need a new mattress.
Sherlock: I’ve had this one about 10 years now.
Velvet: It’s caving in the middle. It looks like a hot dog bun. Though now of course, knowing what I know, and that I know the players of what I know, I understand completely why it is caving in the middle.

I get a lot of mileage out of that joke. A lot. So after several weeks of planning and discussion, the shopping spree was in full effect. We spent Saturday rolling around mattresses. (I know some of you are tempted to insert your own x-rated joke here, but sit tight. I’ll get us there.) Anyway, each mattress was home to a new conversation. It started out pretty mild.

Sherlock: Think you would get a good night of sleep on this one?
Velvet: I like a softer mattress.
Roll to next mattress.
Sherlock: How about this one, can you see us with the dogs between our feet on this?
Velvet: They woke us up at 5 a.m., didn’t they? Fuckers.
Roll to next mattress.
Sherlock: Do you like how the memory foam molds to your shape?
Velvet: No. This sucks. Once you pick a position, you are invested for the night! Though this would be incredibly helpful for homicide investigations. They wouldn’t need to do the sloppy taping job around the body.
Roll to next mattress.
Sherlock: Now, would this one be good for fucking?
Velvet: Oh my God!! Your dick is hard!!

Apparently rolling around mattresses in “Have a good night’s sleep on us…Mattress DISCOUNTERS” got Sherlock a bit excited. Foreplay has never been so easy.

We finally decided on the top of the line, $4000 mattress. I know, that’s an absurd amount of money to spend but there was some logic behind that madness. We discussed that this would be the mattress that we conceived our children in. On. Whatever. Okay, so that’s less logic and more emotion, which violates my number one rule of cutting a good deal. Never never never negotiate when you have your heart set on something for emotional reasons.

After the payment and delivery time was set, we parted ways because I had a shopping excursion planned with a friend. Continuing in the spirit of spending the GNP equivalent of a third world country, Sherlock went off in search of a platform bed at Theodores. We planned to reconnect and hit some more stores in a couple hours. When I was out, I bought a dress. There was a costume-type purpose to this dress. I’ve been tasked to go out and find the sluttiest outfit I could get my hands on. People, you have hired the right woman for this job. When I see “Fashion K City” in a strip mall, I know I’ve hit paydirt. The first choice, a zip up catsuit didn’t come in my size: Extra boobs. I found something equally atrocious, and I mean atrocious. Wow. My friend and I were laughing so hard we offended the employees who probably cherish their associate discount. I rushed home to meet Sherlock to resume the furniture shopping.

I walked in and we quickly decided to blow off the rest of shopping to go have dinner. Then I asked if he wanted to see the dress.

Sherlock: I’m going to pee, put it on.
Velvet: Just look at it and tell me if you like it.
Sherlock (shouting from mid stream:) Put it on.

I climbed into the dress. He walked out of the bathroom and walked around me for the 360 view. Without saying a word, he pushed me into the bedroom and onto the ‘graveyard of whores’ mattress that will be out of our lives Tuesday. He bent me over, picked the dress up, and we fucked. This dress is so far beyond awful but I left it on. My boob popped out of the halter but we kept on like good little soldiers. No, your eyes do not deceive you, I really said “halter.” I haven’t seen or worn a halter-anything since Miami Beach in the early 90’s.

He had his orgasm, I had mine seconds after his and he fell onto the bed next to me. I realized we had not said a word since he told me to put the dress on and went to pee. I rolled over on my side because my original question was still unanswered – lingering out there like the elephant in the room.

Velvet: So, I guess you like the dress?


  1. BC

    I spent the day rolling around on mattresses with my new boy today too. I saw his futon and immediately decided I wouldn’t stay at his apartment. Today he bought a big boy bed; I’m so proud. It’s no 4k mattress, but I think it will get the job done. 😉

  2. Secret Friend

    I”m glad you got some use out of that Fashion K City outfit. I know you’d have rather gone with a Fashion Labella original, but you know. Why don’t you volunteer at a soup kitchen in the outfit just once.

    BTW, I wish I’d bought the pink panties!

  3. beaker

    a stiff wind or a minor hint of sex and boom, boner.

    but yea. I would say the dress was a hit!
    congrats to both. lol

  4. Carrie

    i’d say you had a rather productive day.

  5. Meghan

    Note to self: Immediately take BF to mattress store.

    He’s got the hotdog thing going on, too.
    Only it’s worse because gasp he’s still sleeping in a Full.

    Thanks for making me want sex, Velvet.

  6. Luck O' the Irish

    Yeah for V & S! Good thing you avoided the memory foam. Apparently, there have been several reviews and complaints that these types of mattresses are not good for, as they put it: “relations”

  7. I-66

    Dammit. I’m going home.

  8. Not So Little Woman

    Damn it!! Reading about someone else’s sex life reminds me even more that I’m having none. Sucks. Hopefully the spring will bring new preys. 😉

    Oh, and I’m all for the expensive mattress. Are you kidding me? That’s where you fuck and where you rest. Both need to have a good support!!

  9. Wicked H

    Well? Did he like the dress???????

    (off to take a cold shower or to make snow angles in the slush outside)

  10. elvis

    I like his style. No words, no foolish noises. Just decisive action. This would qualify as a good day.

  11. homeimprovementninja

    Wow. I only have one question for you…

    What the hell is a halter top?

  12. freckledk

    You dirty, dirty girl. I’m beyond envious. My pseudo-BF (HMW) never does any of that with me, regardless of what I’m wearing.

  13. Fencer4

    Does this just happen with major purchases or do you get the same effect if you guys just go buy Slurpees at 7-11?

  14. I-66


    halter top: easy access

  15. LMNt

    I would simply like to state that it’s good to see some good ol’ Velvet debauchery on this blog again.

    You go.

  16. Melly Mel

    OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The graphics! Damn, that shit kinda turned me on. Note to self…get a really slutty dress. Muwah!

  17. Scarlet

    Sooooo…halters are in now? haha, sounds like it!

  18. VJ

    There you go. A perfectly acceptable post that even mentioned kids, long term commitments, the ‘graveyard of whores’ and decent sex all in one go. Who says this BF thing is death to blogging? Excellent developments. Cheers & Good Luck! ‘VJ’

  19. suicide_blond i want a slutty new dress!! 🙁

  20. Barbara

    This is the original Velvet. Only you could figure out a way to combine buying a matress with modeling a slutty dress and having uncontrollable sex. But who really needs a $4000 mattress? Are you thinking your progeny will be royalty if the bed is exclusive enough?!

  21. Sherlock

    Despite encouragement from friends to donate said mattress to the Smithsonian, the Graveyard of Whores got bounced out of here about an hour ago.

    New mattress installed and awaiting your inspection…

  22. Velvet

    Love you!

  23. JohnnyDC

    Briana would be proud!

  24. KassyK

    While this post is gold…I LOVE halter tops. 🙂 They are so hot….and cowl halter tops are always in style…take it from the fashion chica.

  25. MA

    Damn, woman!

  26. pegsioux

    I’m SO going to that fucking store. NOW.

  27. namaste


    i’m speechless. and yet, so very proud…

  28. CrazyGirl

    Oh wow. The visual I just got in my mind…I probably didn’t need. I’ve got some trashy boas if you want to borrow for your next trashy outfit sex romp.

  29. Tyler

    Fabulous post!!

  30. namaste

    omg. i’m still loving this post…and living vicariously…

  31. Phil

    If I had one piece of advice, it would have been to buy a king size mattress.

  32. Alejandra

    So hot!

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