I’ve been in Dallas for Patsy’s Bachelorette Extravaganza. You all know how I love me some cowboys and country music, so I was more than happy to jaunt my ass down for my dose of country. I followed shortly after one Sixes and Sevens, who blew out of town earlier to get a jump start on the party. Needless to say, I breathed a huge sigh of relief when she made it through security. A. Huge. Sigh.
I noticed immediately upon entering the state, that a major mystery of the world has now been solved. In case you live on the east or west coast, and you were curious where the scrunchies had gone, I can tell you. They are in Texas. You can find them on wrists, in hair, on the ground. There are more scrunchies in Dallas than there are rats in D.C.
We decided to hit up a bar named Austin Avenue in Plano for some drinking and people watching. Wow. That’s all I’ve got. Wow. I’m stunned, not for the Kiss cover band, and not for the high hair, but perhaps for the amputees and fake boobs I saw. Sixes and Sevens and Patsy also managed to score a round from some old men sitting in the corner.
Everything is bigger in Texas you know. This is a “medium” sized beer.
Before we moved out of the area where the band was playing, heading to shoot some pool, we were able to watch some serious foreplay in action.
“Mmm, that was a yummy burrito you ate for lunch today!”
We also made it to the world famous Forth Worth Stockyards. This is where one Billy Bob’s is located.
We bought some really cheap drinks and watched the bullriding.
We got sprayed with dirt. I was smart enough to be covering my beer, and also wearing a cowboy hat. Yes, a cowboy hat. More on that in a second. Randy Travis was playing so the place was packed.
The highlight of the evening was undoubtedly standing right in front of this:
Patsy and I snapped tons of pictures for them and have emailed them off to this girl who we don’t know and will never see again. She told Patsy she wished she could thank us for being at the right place at the right time and sending her pictures. It was the least we could do, considering we started shrieking like morons and drew all the attention away from Randy singing “Forever and ever Amen” to ourselves. Fucking typical.
Sixes and Sevens was at the bar closing our tab and I walked up there to grab one more drink. When I got up there the bartender said to me, “What about you, are you from here?” I said, “Nope.” He said, “That’s too bad, if the both of you lived around here I’d do it with both of you.” Then he walked down to the other end of the bar.
I asked Sixes and Sevens, “Did he just say what I think he said?” She said she thought so. I didn’t think cowboys were so forward. Though, I guess we were looking pretty hot among the geriatric Randy Travis fan club, more amputees (WTF is with Texas and amputees?) and scrunchies. Here we are, Sixes and Sevens and Velvet, taking on Billy Bob’s.
We’re hot. Who wouldn’t want to have a threesome with us?