Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Coming Quicker Than Fedex

I had dinner tonight with Giggles, The King of the Dog Park and Sixes and Sevens. Giggles was sent away for work, so it was a catch up dinner of sorts.

Sixes and Sevens, holding up her beverage and looking at me: Mazel Tov!

We were toasting to my aforementioned good news. No, not engaged. No, not preggers. Despite my hatred of Greenspan and the damage he did to our economy while making MY PRECIOUS INDUSTRY the fall guy, I know a good deal when I see one. And people? A house on the Eastern Shore that your company built and needs to get rid of for a drastically reduced price is a GOOD DEAL. I am a homeowner. Again! Two homes in my name, my mini real estate empire has begun!

I would have filled Giggles in on all the details, but I didn’t bother. I told him the one thing that I knew would make his face light up: My front door faces a liquor store.

The King of the Dog Park: So, Giggles, did Velvet tell you what she did?
Giggles: No.
Sixes and Sevens: You haven’t been reading her blog!
Velvet: I haven’t posted it yet. I needed to whale on Greenspan.
Giggles: So? What happened?
The King of the Dog Park: A public blowjob!
Sixes and Sevens: In the Sports Authority dressing room!
Velvet: Potomac Yard baby. Dressing room one. Don’t go in there.
Giggles: Wait, why?
The King of the Dog Park: Bitch didn’t swallow! Poor Sherlock!
Velvet: What the fuck! I didn’t have a beverage to wash it down with, nor did I want to go out and pay for the clothes I just tried on with goop all over my face! So I ripped off a price tag and cleaned up with that. I stuck it under the bench, so really, don’t go in there barefoot.
The King of the Dog Park: That story gets me so hot.
Sixes and Sevens: Why? Because you have a thing for Shirley?
The King of the Dog Park: No. It’s the public sex that turns me on.
Velvet: Well, for him too. He was so fast I didn’t get lockjaw this time. All future blowjobs will occur in public.
The King of the Dog Park: This is masturbation material for a week now.


  1. Washington Cube

    OK. You could get your teeth pulled to give better blowjobs.

  2. Scarlet

    That Sherlock-he’s a lucky guy.

    Whoa about the house! That’s pretty cool.

  3. Sherlock

    Scarlet – You have NO idea how lucky I am. Velvet = THE PERFECT WOMAN!!

    Baby, are you gonna tell everybody what we did tonight too…?

  4. I-66

    Oooh can I tell?

    It involved a chicken, Smuckers grape, and a riding mower.

  5. homeimprovementninja

    HA! I heard this story too, but I didn’t know if it was classfied or not.

  6. circumlocutor

    Don’t get your teeth pulled. No matter how amazing your BJ’s could be without teeth, no decent person would dare be seen in public with a toothless Velvet. Keep your teeth — that’s my suggestion.

  7. 6s & 7s

    I learn so much from you. I thought you were going to tell the story about the shit in the shower. Maybe that’s too Poo of a story (HA HA).

    Shirley you lucky bastard. One day it’ll be the MiMi or Mom and Me story you get BJs in. JUST KIDDING (that’ll be Patsy).

  8. Edina

    THAT IS MY GIRL. Heaven’s BABY! Maybe that’s what I am doing wrong. Maybe I should fling open the curtains and yell to the street for everyone to watch. That way I won’t be so sore in the morning.

    Then again, it’s the “Sweat” 16…I ain’t getting nothing for another week.

  9. marie

    That is all I have to say. 🙂
    That price tag better have been HUGE because if not, eww.. I pity the fool that had to clean that up.

    Congrats on the house!

  10. Elvis

    I saw this last night but had no words. Speechless. I mean Alan Greenspan and the decline of American economy is wrong. But … not swallowing? well, that’s just supporting the Taliban.

  11. suicide_blond

    good for you!!!
    if your company has any other has any others to unload.. hook a girl up!!no?? sexy…
    spitting is

  12. I-66

    I don’t care whether she spits or swallows, as long as she gets me there.

    No snowballs allowed.

  13. Edina

    Snowballs even gross me out. Swallowing works for me, but how awesome is it to just spit that shit out across the room…cowboy style. It’s the blowing in the hair that always gets me. c’mon watch where you aim that thing.

    Are we 15 again?

  14. I-66

    Aiming is hard to do. You never know when it’s going to shoot out like a rocket or dribble out like drool.

  15. freckledk

    You’re a dirty, dirty whore – and I love it. It’s inspiring.

  16. Fencer4

    Forget the liquor store, how far is the new place from a Sports Athority?

    I’ll look around online and see if I can find the hidden security cam footage from the dressing room so you can post it here.

  17. WildBill the traveling salesman

    I liked you before the story, Velvet, but now … you are elevated to Goddess. Well, at least Goddess third class.

    – Bill

  18. I-66

    Shout to The Bloodhound Gang, by the way.

    Never reach an apex, just like Coca-Cola stock you are inclined to make me rise an hour early just like daylight savings time…

  19. Velvet

    I 66 – I fucking LOVE the Bloodhound Gang!

    Wild Bill – I’ll take third class Goddess. It’s the best I’ll get.

    Fencer4 – I bet if anyone can find that secret tape, it’s you.

    FK – Yes I am.

    Suicide Blonde – Sent you the linkage! Come live next door to me. Then you can say, “I live next to a whorehouse in DC and a whorehouse on the shore!” We’ll be the shorehouse!

    Ninja – Nothings classified with me.

    Marie – It was an avg size. It is now between the molding and the wall, under the bench. I’m going to go check if it’s still there next time I go!

  20. Not So Little Woman

    This is classic Velvet and I love it! And sex in public spaces is ever-so-exciting…. * drifting away in memories… * Hehe.

    Congrats on the house…..The liquor store in front will make for amazing parties. Out of booze? Lemme just run accross the street… Or better yet: Have it delivered!!

  21. Elvis

    Is the house on the actual shoreline? That would be awesome; ie, having a back yard with a dock. Why don’t you give us all the link… we may yet be inspired to spend some future earnings on epic interest payments.

  22. I-66

    I have come to the belief that I have too much Bloodhound Gang.

  23. Indira Gandhi

    I used to have sex in public spaces. I used to have sex in private spaces too. I was single then.

    Now, I am a married woman, and I have sex no where except in the confines of my dreams.

  24. barbara

    Why don’t you throw a Blogger party at your new house? Sounds T-riffic!

  25. suicide_blond

    HA! sHORE house…i loooove it…. and a shore house with a first rate porn collection!! they may have laws against the kinda trouble girls like us bring … maybe you could check that out for us.. mmm..never mind i will check cuz i know how you and law enforcement get on!! just let me handle the popo .. nobody WANTS to go to jail….

  26. Wicked H

    Congrats on the Shorehouse!!!!!


  27. King of the Dog Park

    Velvet, you will always be a source of my masturbation material!!!!! Public places rock and I don’t know a man nor woman (I guess) that doesn’t get off outside the norm. BTW, that bitch (though cute as he was) spilled ketchup on my jacket, thus when I put my jacket on, I ended up with ketchup on my shirt and pants and had sticky fingers by the time I got home. Or were the sticky fingers from your story…..

  28. KassyK


  29. KM

    I’ve been in that dressing room before and sadly my experience there wasn’t that exciting.

  30. Secret Friend

    You are soooooooo lucky. No one has masturbated while thinking about me since I was 18.

  31. Velvet

    Secret Friend – I doubt that!!

    KM – Thank you. I make my parents proud.

    KK – Thank you! I’m no longer freaking out about “what have I done oh my god.”

    King of the Dog Park – I’m honestly surprised you weren’t madder than you were. You were so nice to that waiter. Ketchup is evil. 15 years of waiting tables and working in restaurants and I never did grow used to the smell. Finally, I realized I could work in an ITALIAN RESTAURANT and there was NO KETCHUP. Awesome! Except when you come home smelling like gorgonzola cheese. Or was that my-? Never mind…

    Wicked H – Thank you!!

    SB – They don’t have a lot of laws there at all!

    Barbara – I’m trying to get Suicide blonde to buy the house two over from me. Now, if we can just get rid of the people in the middle, we could have a big old party.

    Indira Gandhi – If that IS your real name…sorry. That’s why you shouldn’t ever get married.

    I66 – No such thing!

    Elvis – I’ve been sitting in marketing meetings for months now. I emailed my boss today and said, “If I could figure out how to put this on my blog without revealing where I work, I bet I’d sell a few houses for us.”

    NSLW – You’ll be coming to visit when you need a break from New York Gritty!

  32. Carrie

    congrats, babe. you are an inspiration. 🙂

  33. Elizabeth

    Congrats, I have said it before, YOU ARE MY HERO…when is the housewarming party?

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