Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

D.C. Cops Suck Ass Part, um…8 maybe? Still? Live and In Person!

I like when things I bitch about reappear in the news so I can give you updates:

Amy Winehouse: Apparently the trainwreck has canceled all her upcoming shows due to “health issues.” Oh? I didn’t know being an anorexic cracked out freak qualified for “health issues,” but fine.

Michael Vick: Officially Pleading Guilty. See, criminals always turn on each other. Once his boys started pleading out, there he goes. So we can stop with the “innocent until proven guilty” crap now, right?

The Police Meeting was last night: Let’s see. How can I sum this one up in words? Oh! I know, let’s do a David Letterman top ten!! YAY!!!

TOP 10 WAYS THAT LAST NIGHTS POLICE / CITIZEN MEETING COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER:

10) If the immediate response to “Where in the neighborhood do you live” question wasn’t answered with, “Oh, YOU’RE the blog lady.” Fuck me to tears RH, you are dead to me. No more cc’s on dog park emails for you, not because you told them, but because YOU FUCKING LIED TO ME ABOUT IT!

9) If the cops then didn’t tell me that RH specifically gave them the link and they have Velvet linked on their bookmarks because they are “checking for their names.” Boys, (and girls,) I am NOT going to publish your name unless you do something very very bad. Very bad. And utilizing your handcuffs on myself or my friends in a non-arrest situation that may or may not result in a hog tie and an orgasm doesn’t count because we like that sort of thing.

8) If officer, Juanita Graham, Badge number 3183 was there. I really wanted to see her in person. But, shockingly, she is not part of this district so not a lot is known by the V Street Station. (Makes me wonder even more why she’s driving down 17th Street by a known dog park to get to Shaw…) She is officially under investigation, however, so the other complaints about her MUST BE FILED.

7) If the smoking hot police officer on the loose wasn’t married. I already knew who I was going to set him up with until I spied the glimmer of a wedding ring. Damn. Fucking shit blinded out my corneas. The ring. Not the cop. Though, see “smoking hot” again and take your pick on the corneas.

6) If, because of item number three above, I didn’t show up looking like I crawled out of a gutter.

5) If they didn’t try to tell me that they don’t really eat donuts. No really. They told me. They said, “We don’t eat donuts.”

4) If there wasn’t “that guy” there. You know, the one in every meeting who totally misses your point to spout out typical agency documentation crap. Just because he looks like one of the Beastie Boys doesn’t mean that you won’t want to reach across the table and punch him in the face. Eleven times. (10 because he deserves it and 1 for good measure.)

3) If there wasn’t “that woman” there. You know, the one in every meeting who shanghai’s the conversation for their own personal agenda of lunacy. That person was not me. At least I don’t think so. It was the other chick. Yeah. Definitely the other chick.

2) If someone was there to hear the exchange when the officer told the Lieutenant, “She hates us,” and nodded at me, to which I responded, “Yes, I really do. I think a lot of your force is incompetent.” No sense in lying to the poor little fuckers.

and 1) If someone was there to hear them “joke” around about adding my blog to the terrorist watch list and to ask what kind of car I drive. See, police retaliation is what we all fear boys. That’s why people don’t file complaints and your officers wreak more havoc than Britney Spears in a bar with Cristal and an electric razor. What was that movie with Ray Liotta and Kurt Russell? Unlawful Entry? Yep. Gotta watch that again.

I actually didn’t go to the meeting planning to talk. But, once I was pointed out and named as “Velvet,” I couldn’t not talk. (Thanks for that RH, again, you will pay dearly, don’t let me see any blonde chicks with headbands exiting your house again or I will tell them that you’ve given half the neighborhood the gift that keeps on giving, and don’t think I won’t do it.) Fine. Identity revealed. It’s a small price to pay to clean up the cops. Though, irony will probably bite me in the ass. Now, some poor schmuck who I once maligned will find me out, break into my condo and attempt to kill me while I simultaneously dial 911, who, in this scenario, will actually dispatch the cops (unlike any other time you call them) only for the cops to realize it is me, and that I’m banned from any benefit of public service due to my ongoing series, D.C. Cops Suck Ass.

Oh, one more thing. Fuck you RH. In case you didn’t get that from the above.

27 Comments

  1. Momentary Academic

    Yes, you are totally my favorite person in the universe today. THE UNIVERSE. I’m glad that I’ve got you on my side. Woe to the people who do not.

  2. jordanbaker

    I love that their major defense was “we don’t really eat donuts.” Yeah, because that’s the real problem.

  3. JohnnyDC

    The five rules of the popo are:

    1. Regular people are just perps who haven’t been caught.

    2. Convicts never confess to the crime.

    3. So you have to beat it out of them.

    4. If you can’t prove it, plant the evidence.

    5. When in doubt, write a ticket and let the courts figure it out.

    MUHAHAHA!

  4. homeimprovementninja

    Yeah, I think if you do your job and don’t act like a overbearing a-hole, then you have nothing to worry about. But if you drive out of your way to go to precincts that you aren’t even assigned to so that you can harrass people and make yourself feel like a bigshot, then eff you.

  5. Ms. Anthrope

    Wow, the blue code strikes again. I can smell the bacon from here.

    You see what fucks my ass so much about this is that for 12 years I have worked with some fabulous cops from all over the country. BUT DC IS A SHIT HOLE…except for the free museums, this place is a 3rd world country and should be ASHAMED OF ITSELF. I am ashamed that THIS IS THE CAPITAL OF THE FREE WORLD! I pay taxes here, but don’t vote because it means shit.

    I also used to go to those meetings but realized what a waste of my life it was. Make a difference by giving your time elsewhere. DC COPS are just criminals in a uniform. They can put ME on their fucking terrorist list if they want to waste more tax payer dollars.

    and for hottie cop who is married, I don’t care he’s married, send him to me. I can punish him for the sins of his peers all night long.

    Oh and apparently RH IS IN TOWN, he just didn’t SHOW for the meeting (that might be a historical first that pussy). I saw him yesterday lollygaging down 17th on his cell. I am surprised he wasn’t double parked in front of the 7-11 waiting to stalk you.

  6. freckledk

    I love Suicide Blond, but SHE’S your first choice for a setup?!?! That stings.

  7. Ms. Robinson

    Exactly, frecks, I mean that broad can get weiner anytime she likes. Nice of velvie to look out for the rest of us!

  8. Drunken Chud

    teehee. you’re marked. that’s funny to me. cuz i’m not. lol.

  9. Velvet

    Listen you whorebuckets. IF the cop was under 22 I would have had my sights on Mrs. Robinson. And IF the cop was a wishy washy asshole who didn’t listen to a fucking word I said, then, you Freckles would have been the one I would have thought of, since you seem to like that.

    Twats. Don’t fuck with me!!! I’ll get you all!! HA!

  10. freckledk

    You’re out of the will. Don’t contact me again.

  11. Ms. Robinson

    MEOW

  12. allezoop

    Best. Post. Evar.

    Who is this RH person? I have an extra voodoo doll around here somewhere that is in dire need of pin-stuckage.

  13. Velvet

    FreckledK – Phew! Cause all you got is that breaking down car and the dog. And I don’t want anything German or anything that snorts.

  14. suicide_blond

    awww.. dont worry freckles..i would share!!!!and thanks v ..for thinking of me..cause you KNOW i need me some blue collar loving right about now!
    xoxo

  15. freckledk

    Salt in the big, gaping wound, Velvet. Keep on kicking me while I’m down. You’re the BEST friend a girl could ever have!

  16. Velvet

    FK – The German car thing was commiseration…cause, yanno, me too on that one. But the dog, no. Hells no. I ain’t taking that monster.

    SB – He was perfect, except for that ring…like a star in all of our favorite flicks. And he has his own handcuffs!!!

  17. freckledk

    Hurtful.

  18. Esther

    I think i know which cop you called smokin hot…buzzed blonde cut and lots of tattoos?? Damn, the fist time i saw him was a couple years ago and he is so freakin HOT, i agree. HOT HOT HOT!

  19. Esther

    RH…are you gay? We are all wondering…i don’t believe that the blonde that was spied by Velvet actually had an orgasmic sleep over.

  20. Esther

    that might not have been nice…but i freakin work 60 hours a week, abide by all laws, pay my taxes and DC doesn’t care one hoot about the general citizens.

  21. Velvet

    Esther – No, he wasn’t blonde. Though lots of tattoos is fascinating…I must know who that one is too. I’m envisioning a Top 10 Hottest DC Cops, but it would have to be cross referenced with competence. So, it might end up being a top 4 of DC Cops, but still well worth the effort…wait…maybe a top 2.

    Esther, comment 2 – WOW! HA!

    Esther, comment 3 – Nice schmice. Dude gave my url to the cops during one of the badge licking sessions.

  22. Ms Anthrope

    depends on your definition of “competence” now doesn’t it?! 😉

  23. terremotia

    I’m in love with your header. Better to tell you late than never, I suppose.
    (Can the bike come out and play, please?)

  24. Melly Mel

    Ok, dying to know who RH is!!!!! Hey Velvet, I’ve been thinking…not to deter you from your mission in any way, but just be careful now. You’re cover is blown and I just have visions of Denzel and Julia in the Pelican Brief. Don’t want anything to happen to you. MUWAH!

  25. Velvet

    Terremotia – Yo! The bike is up for sale! It can come out and play for sure!

    Melly Mel – RH is this guy who is the President of the Dupont Circle Citizens Association. But remember how MK was the President of our old company? Yeah, he’s like that! Anyway, he sold me out. As you can see from above. This is why I think that most people are inherently assholes, and don’t trust about 99% of them.

  26. Saidah

    Ok, first of all cops do eat donuts–I know because my dad is one, and he’s never without coffee and a donut. I showed him this thread, and he was pretty disgusted. Have you contacted your local Fraternal Order of Police?

    I hope you bust the balls of these motherfuckers. It makes me sick that these assholes are besmirching (did I spell that right) a profession that my grandfather got killed for, and my dad risks his life for every day.

  27. Anonymous

    Hey, as long as the guy was willing to give out your URL and everything, and expose you to the cops, there’s no reason why you can’t put his name up here and expose him to the wrath of your readers. His name is Rob Halligan, and he can be reached at president@dupont-circle.com

    Everyone should tell him how they feel.

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