Category: Why DC Cops Suck Ass

It’s no secret that we’re suffering a bit of a crime wave here in the city. In addition to the dramatic rise in car breakins in Dupont, we now have a Spiderman-Burglar on the loose. The criminal(s) have been getting on to rooftops and breaking in by climbing through roof access or skylights.

A couple weeks ago, I came home to find most of my neighborhood cordoned off. I heard through the neighborhood grapevine that Spidey had struck again, this time breaking through a skylight on Corcoran and New Hampshire. The cops, typically a day late and several dollars short, were giving their report to the news teams who had showed up to cover this “breaking news.”

My neighbor told me after his car was broken into that he had a witness who called the cops and they were “within 30 seconds of catching him.” Sure. I believe you. Where’s that powdered donut? Anyway, apparently the cops have been promised that anyone who gets this guy will get a full day off with pay. As if their job isn’t cushy enough. Please. I spit my bailout tax dollars all over that bullshit.

So now I’ve noticed something. Cop cars parked all over the place. At the corners of several blocks in Dupont. The cars? Unoccupied. Yes yes, can you imagine being at that planning meeting?

“Let’s increase the perceived police presence in Dupont. We’ll call this new initiative PPP. Perceived Police Presence. Got it? We’ll synchronize our watches and park all our cruisers at the corners of every block. That should do it without having to work very hard.”

“Uh…Captain? What were those letters again? Three P’s? Is that a new bar? Do they have donuts there?”

Do you morons think this criminal is stupid? He’s been evading you for months and you think a handful of unmanned cars are going to throw him off? Even me, a mostly law-abiding but sometime Stop Sign roller has it figured out. I bet Spidey could break into one of these empty cruisers, eat a dozen donuts inside and you all wouldn’t even know your car was broken into. But you would know the exact variety of donut he ate, I’m sure.

A few weeks ago when my friend E was in her car accident, she waited over an hour for a cop to arrive. I found this incredibly fascinating because at the exact moment E was waiting, just two blocks away a convention of police officers were holding court in front of the 7-11 on 17th Street. Their convention time lasted from 4:45 p.m. until 6:45 p.m.

After the “redistricting” where they pulled the cops from the station at 17th & V and now dispatch them out of the 3rd district, I noticed all of a sudden that all prior bad cop behavior had ceased. No more harassing people at the dog park, no more blocking the roads, no more eating donuts, no more smoking in uniform. Except for their one buffoon, most of the rest seemed to shape up. Whether they issued the directive, “Beware, there is a nasty bitch around 17th Street who patrols the neighborhood with her camera and publishes your evidence of laziness and wasting of taxpayer money online” or if the changing of the guard did the trick, I’ll never know. But since the redistricting, it has been really nice to see the lazy bastards have stopped patronizing 7-11 for the duration of their entire shift.

I knew it wouldn’t last.

A riddle and some pictures for you.

How many cop cars does it take to park illegally for a meeting of the minds?

If you guessed four, you’re RIGHT!

And a follow up…how many cops does it take from those cars to stand around talking on a crisp Saturday night when just 40 feet away some of the biggest drug deals in Dupont are in progress?

Six!

Awesome!

I’m not anti-drug. I don’t give a shit what people do. But when I have to step around a guy snorting meth in the street and when I’ve told two of your boys that all the Bartenders from the Child Harold are now tending bar at a SPECIFIC LOCAL BAR on R Street, and that the crowd has changed significantly, I would think that oh, maybe you might do something about it.

“I’ll take a book of matches please.”

And my other issue? If you are holding us up to your laws, then you should obey them yourself. When you are obviously not working on police business during a shift, you shouldn’t be parking illegally and blocking roads. If any civilian did this, you would ticket them faster than it would take you to suck down a bear claw. So why is it okay for you boys?

Of course I realize, this is minor compared to the assholes we used to have in this neighborhood. I suppose I should be counting my blessings. They traded in all the ugly cops we used to have for some cute ones who even Sixes would fuck.

Just check the comments on the last post. Obviously, there is absolutely NO CRIME in D.C. because the cops have been doing nothing but hitting up this website every hour. EVERY FUCKING HOUR. I WANT MY GOD DAMNED TAX DOLLARS BACK! If you were real officers, you would know that everything one does leaves a fingerprint…idiots.

http://www.velvetindupont.com/?p=1028

I like when things I bitch about reappear in the news so I can give you updates:

Amy Winehouse: Apparently the trainwreck has canceled all her upcoming shows due to “health issues.” Oh? I didn’t know being an anorexic cracked out freak qualified for “health issues,” but fine.

Michael Vick: Officially Pleading Guilty. See, criminals always turn on each other. Once his boys started pleading out, there he goes. So we can stop with the “innocent until proven guilty” crap now, right?

The Police Meeting was last night: Let’s see. How can I sum this one up in words? Oh! I know, let’s do a David Letterman top ten!! YAY!!!

TOP 10 WAYS THAT LAST NIGHTS POLICE / CITIZEN MEETING COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER:

10) If the immediate response to “Where in the neighborhood do you live” question wasn’t answered with, “Oh, YOU’RE the blog lady.” Fuck me to tears RH, you are dead to me. No more cc’s on dog park emails for you, not because you told them, but because YOU FUCKING LIED TO ME ABOUT IT!

9) If the cops then didn’t tell me that RH specifically gave them the link and they have Velvet linked on their bookmarks because they are “checking for their names.” Boys, (and girls,) I am NOT going to publish your name unless you do something very very bad. Very bad. And utilizing your handcuffs on myself or my friends in a non-arrest situation that may or may not result in a hog tie and an orgasm doesn’t count because we like that sort of thing.

8) If officer, Juanita Graham, Badge number 3183 was there. I really wanted to see her in person. But, shockingly, she is not part of this district so not a lot is known by the V Street Station. (Makes me wonder even more why she’s driving down 17th Street by a known dog park to get to Shaw…) She is officially under investigation, however, so the other complaints about her MUST BE FILED.

7) If the smoking hot police officer on the loose wasn’t married. I already knew who I was going to set him up with until I spied the glimmer of a wedding ring. Damn. Fucking shit blinded out my corneas. The ring. Not the cop. Though, see “smoking hot” again and take your pick on the corneas.

6) If, because of item number three above, I didn’t show up looking like I crawled out of a gutter.

5) If they didn’t try to tell me that they don’t really eat donuts. No really. They told me. They said, “We don’t eat donuts.”

4) If there wasn’t “that guy” there. You know, the one in every meeting who totally misses your point to spout out typical agency documentation crap. Just because he looks like one of the Beastie Boys doesn’t mean that you won’t want to reach across the table and punch him in the face. Eleven times. (10 because he deserves it and 1 for good measure.)

3) If there wasn’t “that woman” there. You know, the one in every meeting who shanghai’s the conversation for their own personal agenda of lunacy. That person was not me. At least I don’t think so. It was the other chick. Yeah. Definitely the other chick.

2) If someone was there to hear the exchange when the officer told the Lieutenant, “She hates us,” and nodded at me, to which I responded, “Yes, I really do. I think a lot of your force is incompetent.” No sense in lying to the poor little fuckers.

and 1) If someone was there to hear them “joke” around about adding my blog to the terrorist watch list and to ask what kind of car I drive. See, police retaliation is what we all fear boys. That’s why people don’t file complaints and your officers wreak more havoc than Britney Spears in a bar with Cristal and an electric razor. What was that movie with Ray Liotta and Kurt Russell? Unlawful Entry? Yep. Gotta watch that again.

I actually didn’t go to the meeting planning to talk. But, once I was pointed out and named as “Velvet,” I couldn’t not talk. (Thanks for that RH, again, you will pay dearly, don’t let me see any blonde chicks with headbands exiting your house again or I will tell them that you’ve given half the neighborhood the gift that keeps on giving, and don’t think I won’t do it.) Fine. Identity revealed. It’s a small price to pay to clean up the cops. Though, irony will probably bite me in the ass. Now, some poor schmuck who I once maligned will find me out, break into my condo and attempt to kill me while I simultaneously dial 911, who, in this scenario, will actually dispatch the cops (unlike any other time you call them) only for the cops to realize it is me, and that I’m banned from any benefit of public service due to my ongoing series, D.C. Cops Suck Ass.

Oh, one more thing. Fuck you RH. In case you didn’t get that from the above.

First, I despise linking to my own posts, but I have to. The Investigator who is handling the incident that transpired at the Dupont Dog Park is asking for your help. He left a comment on the last post in this ongoing situation with the following information:

URI : http://www.policecomplaints.dc.gov

Comment:
If anyone witnessed the events referenced in this post concerning the dog park at 17th and S Sts., NW, please contact the DC Office of Police Complaints at 202-727-3838 and ask for Investigator Curcio. Thank you.

I ran into the woman who this happened to, and she said that she had her meeting with Investigator Curcio Friday afternoon. I must admit, all of us were skeptical that a cohort of Juanita Graham was going to investigate this. But the victim was very impressed with how he handled everything and they are really pleased that they are being taken seriously. So, Investigator Curcio, we thank you for this.

Second, a little humor before I proceed into the next police diatribe, still related to this case. I’ve been alerted that there is more than one Velvet, stalking the streets and documenting police incompetence. I would like to franchise this operation and hire Velvet / Jimmy Justice’s in other cities. Any takers?

Finally, it seems that Juanita Graham, Badge 3183, has struck again. Last Saturday, she approached a man in the dog park who was alone and playing ball with his Golden Retriever and wrote him a ticket. When he said “Give me a fucking break,” she called in for backup. Six officers. SIX OFFICERS came to the dog park to help her. Are you people kidding? You still haven’t solved the Swann Street murder of a year ago, and this is how you choose to spend your time? Harassing civilians? After encouraging him to file a complaint, I decided to do a little investigating and visit the V Street station myself. My visit resulted in sending this letter out to the dog park email community:

All:

You may have heard recently or been a victim of harassment by a 3rd district police office with regard to your dog being off leash. After hearing that a woman was approached in the park by an officer who removed the leash from her dog just to justify writing a bogus ticket, then going further to accuse the woman of being a terrorist and not being legal in this country, many of us were outraged. Imagine though, that that same officer committed this offense again with another person in the dog park. The M.O. seems to be the same:

• Approach the dog owner when they are alone and have no witnesses.
• Exaggerate the dog owner’s reactions justifying the citation and/or call for backup.
• Telling the citizen they must have i.d. and are not to walk the streets without id. ·

In the spirit of full disclosure, the officer in question is Juanita Graham, badge number 3183. I believe she is targeting people, harassing them, and lying to justify her position. She appears to have a vendetta. Both victims I have spoken to felt targeted and discriminated against.

Many of you may know that I am no fan of the D.C. police. I have witnessed countless occasions where they block 17th Street during a.m. rush hour so they can go get coffee and chit chat with the workers in 7-11. I’ve had very unpleasant experiences where one officer blocked my car so he could go get breakfast, then when I asked him directly if it was his car (he was washing his hands behind the 7-11 counter) he looked away and would not answer my question. Anyone get the irony here that I’m trying to go to work so I can pay taxes to pay his salary and he’s blocking me in? I tried to file a complaint but, surprise, they had NO IDEA who the officer was.

I’ve been asked to attend the monthly police/citizen meetings. While admittedly I have not done this, it is because of my impression that the best officers show up and the problems are shuffled out or have that day off.

It’s enough. We pay taxes. We do not deserve this treatment. Today, I visited the V Street Station to talk with the boss of one officer Graham and other officers who may be on this rampage of harassing dog owners. My platform was simple:

I understand that we as dog owners are breaking the law when our dogs are off leash. I am not contesting that. I have an issue with officers targeting and harassing people when they are alone. The stories are the same, no one is in cahoots here, there is a problem with this officer. The dog park community is a strong one, and we are the eyes and ears of this community. Many of us are also on the lookout for crimes, reporting them as they happen, and with the exposure of being out with our dogs at least three times a day, the officers shouldn’t be making enemies of us. Finally, many officers have shown up at the dog park at peak attendance times to ask for information to help them solve their outstanding issues. If they continue to harass, we can suddenly stop helping the police too. If the dog park disbands, it will go back to being a haven for derelicts and drug users. Their choice.

Sargeant {redacted} is who I happened to speak with on my arrival. He listened as I made our case and had the glimmer of recognition and laugh when I said the name Juanita Graham. I’ve heard this is the standard reaction when this officer’s name is mentioned. That indicates to me that she is a problem.

Sargeant {redacted} provided me with his work and cell number. He is in charge of the area where the 17th and S park is, and told me several important things:

• There is NO INITIATIVE on the part of the D.C. Police to ticket dog owner’s with dogs off leash. If an officer decides to do it on their own, that is their own business, but this isn’t a new program of any sort.

• We DO NOT need to walk the streets with I.D. no matter what Officer Juanita Graham tells you or any other officer for that fact.

• Sargeant {redacted} prefers that you speak to him about any issues like this before filing a complaint. Officer Graham is off today, but he is going to speak to her tomorrow.

If you have a complaint or issue, we all should follow the same procedure when we file that complaint. If everyone does something different, they may not recognize there is a trend here and get to the officer(s) in question.

First, call Sargeant {redacted.} His work number is {redacted} and his cell is {redacted.} He is incredibly reasonable and wants to solve this problem.

If you cannot get in contact with him or are not happy with the result, file a complaint. You may file through various methods.

1. Visit the local station. V Street between 16th and 17th.
2. Call Office of Police Complaints (OPC) at (202) 727-3838.
3. Call the OPC 24 hour hotline (866) 588-0569.
4. Online at policecomplaints.dc.gov
5. Visit OPC at 1400 I (Eye) Street, Suite 700.

You may file anonymously and you may also file if you are a witness. You will be notified from both the department and the OPC when there is a result to their investigation. OPC only handles complaints of excessive force; harassment; use of conduct that is insulting, demeaning or humiliating; discrimination; retaliation for filing a complaint and the officer failing to wear ID or refusal to provide name, badge number when requested by a member of the public.

It is time to take the neighborhood back. Don’t let them get away with it anymore. File file file. Let’s get the bad officers off the streets.

If anyone has any questions, I’m happy to answer what I can and find out what I don’t know.

Obviously, if you need his name and cell, email me. The letter to the dog park folks generated some response and discussion. Someone, who has an ear in the community but who will not be “called out,” offered the following:

You can call me a Badge Licker if you want, but I have the official line:

There is an Internal Affairs investigation regarding that incident. Officer Juanita [Jones] is not assigned to Dupont but is in the 3^rd District. She drives through Dupont to get to her lower Shaw area. Sgt. Harris does have Dupont. Yes, there is no crack-down on dog laws. Lt. Dignan tells me that officers are asked to only enforce them when there has been an incident such as a biting. He is going to have a talk with Juanita Grahams lieutenant.

And my response to that?

You and I will never see eye to eye on this issue. I know that. But you have just said something very interesting.

If that officer Juanita Graham is NOT assigned to our neighborhood, but she comes down 17th street to get to Shaw, then I’m even more concerned. On my stupidest day, I would never leave the station at 1620 V, come to 17th, and drive south to get to Shaw, which is EAST of 11th Street, stopping to write citations on my very circuitous route to work. This proves harassment even more so. The woman is driving out of her way to come by a known dog park so she can write tickets. Come on.

I’ll come to the meeting next Tuesday and I invite anyone on this email to come with me. But, right now many of us have zero respect for that department. They need to handle this issue, and quickly at that. In the name of the goodwill of the community, Officer Graham needs to be made an example of. And by “made an example of,” I do NOT mean put on paid leave for a couple months, as tends to happen with the DCPD. Swift and immediate changes are in order. Graham should be fired. The rest of the police should band together and invite the citizens to the meeting Tuesday by coming to the dog park and talking to us about it, and fostering the goodwill themselves. They have to earn our respect. They don’t just get it because they wear blue uniforms and carry nightsticks and sometimes respond to 911 calls.

So, guess who is skipping her favorite class at the gym to go sit in this meeting on Tuesday night? Grumble grumble. If my ass gets fat, I’m going to blame the boys in blue for that! “Remember when I had to skip Mike’s class…”

Stay tuned. It took 8 installments of this series, but we’re finally getting somewhere.

If you missed my last post on what atrocity the D.C. cops have committed now, you can read that here.

Officer Juanita Graham from the Third District, badge number 3183, turn in your badge. You are a racist and a disgrace patrolling our streets trying to keep us “safe.” If I have a choice of protecting myself over any more of what you are doling out, I’ll take my chances with my pepper spray. The nerve you had to call a woman a terrorist and demand her green card for no reason other than that she was playing ball with her dog in the park is despicable. I would like to remind you honey, that none of us are from here, unless we can trace back to Native American roots, which few of us in D.C. are able to do.

If I catch you at 7-11, blocking 17th Street to read the paper and eat donuts, I will put your picture up here too. If you can harass civilians, then we can harass you too. Welcome to our world.

Tuesday night, dog park in Dupont Circle.

A lady we all know is standing with her dog by herself in the dog park. The rest of us had just recently left. The dog is a tiny little dog like Toto, a Cairn or Norwich Terrier. Two cops, both black, male and female, approach her in the park. They start off by telling her that her dog should be on a leash.

While she speaks fluent English, it is obvious that it is not her first language. She is actually Iranian. She responds that this is a dog park and everyone lets their dogs off leash here. They ignore her response, and write her a ticket. Then, they start to ask her if she has identification or a green card. They then ask her if she’s even legal and say that she doesn’t belong in this country, finally calling her a terrorist. Within minutes, they take the leash from her and say that she is being arrested and her dog will be picked up by Animal Control. They put her in the back of the car, continuing to harass her until a witness sees and asks them to leave her alone. They end up letting her go, completely in tears, and totally distraught.

She calls the police department on V Street and wants to file a complaint. She gets some facial expression and a few words from the officer on duty that leads her to believe these two officers have done things like this before. I’m sorry, why am I paying their salaries with my tax dollars then?
She has their names. Last night at the dog park she was still in tears, hysterically crying and shaking over what happened to her. When and if I get the names of these two useless incompetent motherfuckers, they are going on this blog. Over and over and over until they are in every google search from here to Timbuktu.

My witchhunt begins. I’ll get those names, publish them here, and demand their badges.

Last night, some asshole from Maryland (yes, MARYLAND, you are the WORST drivers Ive ever had to share the road with,) sideswiped poor Speedracer and drove off. Of course. Of fucking course. I called our useless police department, and here we go with another installment in my sometimes revered though much despised by crazy right-wingers who threaten my life series, D.C. Cops Suck Ass.

6:09 p.m.
Operator: Hello, 311?
Velvet: Someone just hit my car and drove off.
Operator: Do you need an ambulance?
Velvet: No.
Operator: Let me get your name and information and Ill have the next officer dispatched out to your location.

I gave the information and asked if they can just come to my house as it is right around the corner. They said no, because it was in another district. So I parked and waited.

6:20 p.m.
Operator: Hello, 311?
Velvet: I just called in a hit and run and wanted to see if the cop has been dispatched.
Operator: He has. Where are you?
Velvet: In front of the CVS with my hazards on.
Operator: Okay, thats what we told them, youre in a Speedracer?
Velvet: Yes.
Operator: Hes on his way.

6:33 p.m.
Operator: Hello, 311?
Velvet: I was told an officer was on his way to my location for a hit and run, but I havent seen him yet. I wanted to make sure he didn’t miss me.
Operator: No, hes still in route.
Velvet: Thanks.

6:45 p.m.
Operator: Hello, 311?
Velvet: I’m waiting for an officer to come out for a hit and run.
Operator: He was there and he said you werent there so he left.
Velvet: Ive been exactly where you told me to stay.
Operator: Did you see a cop come by?
Velvet: Not one.
Operator: Well he left. You can walk in to the station if you want and file a report.
Velvet: Wheres that?
Operator: 3320 Idaho Avenue.
Velvet: Fine.

I head home, have my condo board meeting, go to the gym at 9:00 and run for 45 minutes to burn off my steam before facing the po-po. I drive up to the station at 10:15 last night. On walking in and going up to the desk, an officer turns around, sees me, I say hi, he turns back around and continues pecking away on the computer. I wait about 10 minutes, before flipping my lid, because in addition to watching him on his computer, I can hear a very Law & Order script-worthy conversation going on in the back, discussing the merits of orange soda over grape, and how long they have to be in the refrigerator before they are cold.

I scream, HELLO???

Some officer waddles out and I explain my story. She says, Why didn’t you stay at the scene? I said, I did, and he never showed up, so they told me to come here and file the complaint. She said, Well I can take a damage to property, but thats about all. Theres nothing we can do. I said, So, a guy hits me, I get his plate, he drives off, and theres nothing you can do? She said, Yes. Thats right.

Of course not. I leaned over and saw there was a stack of complaint forms, where you can file an incident report against an officer. These will come in handy at some point I’m sure. I grabbed half the stack and walked out. I couldnt hate these useless D.C. cops anymore if they anally raped my dog.

I go back outside and call 311, telling them of their obvious blunder, and tell them to send an officer now. She agrees (after checking with her supervisor) and I return to the scene of the crime. The officer arrives, and tells me that he waited right here at this spot for an hour. I said, Um, no I was here and didn’t see you. You could tell he was pulling the tude, and saying there was also another officer waiting as well, back a few cars. Yeah, and I was there from 6:10 until 6:45 and there was NOT ONE COP there. So, writes my info down. I give him the plate number of the asshole who hit me and he said, wait, are you ready for it?

Yeah, I cant do anything with that.

Velvet: But, I got his plate, you cant run it and find out who he is?
Cop: No.

He gets in his car to do whatever he had to do, and then his friends pull up alongside him and they proceed to chat for 10 minutes while I’m waiting there. Arrgh!!!!! He gives me some report number and tells me to tell my insurance to take care of it. Yeah, great, so that they can raise my rates even though it is the other guy’s fault? Sure. Ninja called while I was sitting there and I told him what happened, and he said, You cant make this stuff up. How come on Law and Order they can run a plate, but here in D.C. they cant?

Exactly. Because here in D.C., our police department is a bunch of lazy, useless, inept, couldnt-find-a-criminal if they were sitting next to them, system abusing, power hungry, donut eating, newspaper reading, coffee drinking, double parking, traffic blocking, gossiping, overnight shift sleeping, disability for work related stress filing, money drain on our taxes.

In light of this article on the front of Thursday’s post, I’m posting another ode to the motherfuckers we call D.C.’s – whatever.

Thursday night. 11 p.m. The weekend has begun here in Dupont Circle. Let’s see what we’ve got going on…

Hmm. A metro P.D. car is blocking traffic on what we are now all calling the “17th Street Corridor.” Well, shit, if it’s a corridor, that must mean it’s a major thoroughfare, right? On closer inspection, I realize the car is empty and the engine is off. They must be solving a major crime, right? I mean, why would you double park your car , blocking one good lane of a two lane “corridor” when there are plenty of illegal places to park beyond zone signs and whatnot, that wouldn’t be in the way. I mean, come on. It’s not like you’re going to get a ticket.

Hmm. Wonder where they are?

Oh…I’m shocked. Really? In 7-11?

Reading the paper. Wow. There must be a criminal hiding in the metro section. Yep, you might “never see them in uniform eating a donut” but pretty much all the rest of the cliche’s (sleeping, gossiping, reading the paper) are up for grabs.

A tractor trailer full of cop cars on 495 this morning. Wonder where they are off to? Are they broken and on their way to the shop? Brand new and being put in service? Tough to say. Hope if they are on their way to the shop that the mechanic is ready to unclog all the spare donut crumbs from various crevices in the car. Oh, that’s just silly. We all know that any responsible D.C. cop would never ever let a crumb escape their clutches. A criminal escaping, now, that’s a whole other story.

Last night, 2:25 a.m., at La Casa Velvet:

Operator: Hello, 311, Dispatcher blah blah blah blah.
Velvet: Hello. I’m located at {this address} in Northwest. The bar across the street at {this address} just closed and let all these loud drunks out in the street. Can you explain to me why the cops are at 7-11 all damn day reading the paper, and yet, when the bars close and all these idiots crowd the streets having fights, smashing bottles and screaming, the cops are no where to be found?
Operator: Um…so do you have a complaint?
Velvet: YES. I WANT YOU TO SEND SOME COPS OVER HERE AND I WANT THESE PEOPLE TO GET THE HELL OFF THE STREETS. IT’S 2:30 IN THE MORNING!!!
Operator: We’ll send the next available car.

So, about 5 minutes later, the blue and red lights filled my bedroom. Fucking great. I get up and look out the window. Three cops blocked off the street, a fire engine arrived and an ambulance about 5 minutes after. They had four guys on the sidewalk for quite some time. I got tired of watching and went to bed. My real question remains: Where the fuck are they when they are needed most? I mean, every night at 2 a.m., 3 a.m. on weekends, the bars close. And every night the drunks pour out into the street smashing shit, damaging cars and making noise. Yet, they haven’t figured out it’s a time and place to target. Interesting.

On that note, let me continue in the same vein with some cop tidbits gathered from the past month of keeping a close eye on D.C.’s finest.

Due to the crime emergency, the boys in blue had been swarming the city in mass numbers. I was quite happy to see this actually. It’s nice to know that a cop should be right around the corner in case you need them. I made it my business to talk to every one that I could, just to see what they had to say. It was pretty fun actually – a great experiment.

1) I spy a cop riding in circles on his bike in an alley.
Velvet: Officer? Are you okay?
Cop: Yeah, It’s too hot to stand still and I’m just killing time until my shift is over.

Awesome.

2) I walk smack into a cop on a blind corner at 19th Street, north of the circle. I have my unleashed dogs with me. I’m expecting some shit about it.
Cop: Good Evening.
Velvet: Wow. They really have you on every corner, don’t they?
Cop: Yeah, do you feel safer? (With a dash of sarcasm and smirk on face.)
Velvet: Well, I would if your coworkers would….
Cop: Weren’t assholes?
Velvet: That wasn’t quite the word I was going to use, but it fits.
Cop: I’ve been on this force 30 years. I know how it works.

Huh.

3) Minding my business walking the dogs, some crazy person slams into me on purpose on his bike. I fly forward for a second and say, “God DAMN!” He says, “SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH!” Ok. Now, I was really okay, but I wanted to test the crime emergency response time. After giving my info to 311 (twice mind you) they said they would send out a car and asked if I could wait. I said, “Yeah, if it doesn’t take them three days.” I hung up and called the Queen of Quantity to tell her I would be late for dinner. As she was responding, I hear sirens and see two cop cars screeching down the road and they stop right in front of me. The first guy asks if I’m okay, and do I need an ambulance. (I might…because I think I’m hallucinating. Where am I? The bizarro world??) The second car has two hotties (Well HeLLO officers, are you transplants from another city?) who seem incredibly interested in my situation. They take the description and go off in search of a crazy man, slamming into pedestrians with his bicycle.

4) Since some of you peeps told me that I have to register my mace with the cops, I saw some cops sitting in a car in my neighborhood. I walked up to the car and asked about that. One of the cops was sleeping in the car. The officer who was awake said, “You could go up to V Street and register it, but I wouldn’t worry about it.” Okay. Fine with me. Hope Lucinda over there is having a great dream.

5) Looking in my condo docs for something, condo docs written 20 years ago mind you, I stumble across this gem. “In case of emergency, call 911, though it would be faster to run to 7-11 to look for a cop since they are usually hanging out there.”

Fun shit I tell you.

My alternate title was “Car 334, where ARE you?” Because Ponch’s answer could have been, “I’m parked in front of a fire hydrant, in a No Parking Zone, on my cell phone, chasing a Krispy Kreme truck.” Of course, that would only narrow it down to two thirds of the officers in my neighborhood.

I’m posting this picture in honor of tonight’s Dupont Circle Public Safety Meeting – you know, where the locals and the cops hash it out in the station house accomplishing next to nothing? Here we have the 3rd District’s finest in my neighborhood. What’s the 3rd district? Oh, you know. The one that they just want to pretend doesn’t exist, because its ridiculously high crime rate has tossed the stats off for the rest of the city. Such the crime solvers. I was supposed to have a date tonight, but he canceled. (Good.) Now I’m free! Dare I show up at this meeting? I’ll bring donuts. Original Glazed? Powdered Strawberry Filled? Glazed Lemon Filled? Apple Crunch? Hmm…ass kicking at my gym by hottie Mike who makes me drool, and not just from my mouth, or donuts and cops. It’s a tough choice. Truly.

But, that truck! I just can’t stop laughing. I love me right now. Hope no one kills me!

I don’t even have to try for this shit. Do I? And to you, you know who you are, with your little threats, I don’t take kindly to being bullied. Nothing I have written about the cops is untrue, and believe me, if I end up dead for what I’ve said, the Velvet Family will have a field day with the ensuing lawsuit. I come from a long line of ancestry who refused to be bullied. I will write whatever I want until this lazy police force starts to 1) have competent operators handling 911 calls, 2) respond quickly to calls, 3) only double park during emergency police business.* and on and on and on….

*emergency police business does not include a Slushie and a Bear Claw at 7-11

See what one of my bloggy friends has to say about his experience with the cops. Seems to be the rule, not the exception.

And Check This Out. Damn.

Deep breath. Let’s start with this. In fact, you don’t even need to read the whole thing. The thing you need to know is that the murderers of Alan Senitt had mugged a woman a few weeks earlier. Because we apparently have to solve our own crimes now, she found out that her credit card was used to purchase some penis enhancing goods that were shipped to an address in SE DC. She told the cops. What did they do? Nothing.

I’m not as much surprised as I am just outraged. I’ve had several incidents with the cops. When some asshole pushed me into the bushes to gain access to our building because he didn’t feel like getting buzzed in, I called 911. THREE TIMES. He was in our building, I had witnesses, and the cops did nothing. And several cars drove by, on their way to nowhere important. Finally I flagged one car down and they said, “How long ago did you call 911? We didn’t get a call.” Good lord. The system doesn’t work people if you don’t actually dispatch an officer!

I’ve had several other cops – always women by the way, ALWAYS, tell me to put my dogs on a leash. Every single woman cop in my neighborhood will tell me to put the dogs on a leash. The guys? Never a peep. I get, “Wow, they don’t run in the street” to “You have them trained really well, wanna go get a cup of coffee?” Interesting. Would we call that discrimination? Fourty cops in my neighborhood and we get 40 different responses to my unleashed dogs. Inconsistent pricks.

Of course the other cop incident was just a few weeks back, (I don’t link to myself, I think it’s pompous) it turns out that this man’s fucking co-worker can’t even figure out who he is. If they can’t find each other, how the hell are they going to find any criminals? Even when you hand them the address and location of the criminal, they still don’t do anything. Maybe the key here is to actually place the criminals where the cops will find them, so they don’t have to try. Though, the last time I checked, murderers weren’t crawling out from under a Krispy Kreme.

Tonight there’s a meeting with the police and the public in my neighborhood. And I have a date. I thought about canceling said date because I really want to hear what these lazy fucks have to say for themselves, but, I’m sure it will be the Officer Barbrady bullshit: “Okay people, move along, nothing to see here.”

I know I rarely post twice in a day, but, It’s Choose Your Own Adventure Time here at Velvet in Dupont. I gots a little problem and I need some input.

Unlike last week, where the cops were actually working to stop jaywalkers, they are back to their usual lazy routine. Okay, so this morning, I go out to get into my car, and there’s a Ford Taurus parked so close to my car that not only could I not squeeze in my drivers seat, but I can’t slide inbetween the cars sideways. I DESPISE the people who think it is okay to block one of the two functioning lanes on 17th Street so they can get their big gulp at 7/11 – but during morning rush hour? It’s especially rude since, just in front of me were several beautifully empty parking spots. So I walk into 7/11 and pose the question to the 2 people in there – is that your Ford Taurus out there? One guy turns around and says, “No, did you get hit?” I said, “No it’s blocking me in and I can’t get out.” Not a peep from the cop. He was very busy looking at the selection of Bear Claws. Hmm. One of America’s Most Wanted must be hiding in there.

So I walk back outside, standing there trying to decide if I’m too fat to squeeze from the passenger side. (Speedracer is small and Velvet ate at Maggiano’s this weekend.) Then the guy from 7/11 calls out to me and says, “Hey, it’s the cops car.” So I look in there and what do I see? DC’s FINEST ASSHOLE chit chatting with the 7/11 clerk. Steaming mad, I just won’t let these guys push me around, especially when they are wrong. So I say to the other guy, “What’s he doing? I need to get in my car!” The cop turns around from the cash register, where he’s very busy solving crimes, and he says “GO STAND BY YOUR CAR!!!!” So I say, “You had to double park and block me in? You couldn’t have parked in the open spots?” Then he screams at me and tells me that I am “not to raise my voice to him.” Ok. Asswipe. Let’s look at this situation for a minute. I’m standing on 17th Street, next to an 18 Wheeler with its engine on. So SORRY if I’m screaming so your lazy useless good for nothing ass can sit in there digging around in the “Give a Penny Take a Penny” box. He comes out of 7/11 sauntering slowly like he has not a care in the world, like the whole downtown isn’t flooded, like nothing else needs to be done, yelling at me to “shut my mouth.” He gets in his car and drives away.

I got his plate number.

I called 311 and they forwarded me to the Sarge! She ran the plate, called me back, wanted a description of the guy, and said, “I’ll call you back in a few after I locate the officer, but think about if you want me to handle it or if you want to file a formal complaint.” I asked her what she thought I should do. She said, “These guys can’t be out there on the street talking to citizens like this.” I told her, “It’s not the norm. I know most of the guys in my neighborhood and they aren’t like this.” (Lazy, yes, but belligerent? Nope. Two of them have asked me out as a matter of fact.) A formal complaint involves going to the police station to file a paper on him. You know, the station right across the street from my gym. You know, the gym I’m at sometimes twice a day.

Keeping in mind that I’m SO OVER these DC Cops who do nothing, what should I do? File the complaint or keep my mouth shut? I’ve already been told by friends in the ‘hood that the cop will be looking for me to commit any minor infraction since he knows my car. But, I don’t really do illegal shit while driving. Kind of hard to in a city that moves a snail’s pace.

Ok. Help.