Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Chicken Fried Chicken Fried Chicken Fried Steak!

As I left our hellaciously long and hard class at the gym, sweet delicious but gay teacher said, “Do you know what you have to be thankful for this year?” I said, “Um…no.” He said, “These muscles,” as he grabbed my poor aching bicep.

What I wanted to say was, “How does your ego fit in this gym with us?”

What I should have said though was, “Yeah, and my non-stop workouts the rest of the week have nothing to do with it, right?”

For many years, I was a morning gym-goer. I loved getting it out of the way. I would bring my book and workout among the other hardcore morning types. The problem became twofold: First, I am nothing near a morning type, and second, I wasn’t getting as tough a workout as I should be. Mindlessly climbing the stairmaster for many years and I had hit the wall. (The problem is threefold if you count the 6 a.m. guy who tried unsuccessfully for months to talk to me, then finally came up with this gem: He rolled his wedding ring over to where I was lifting, it hit my shoe, so I technically had to talk to him. “Sir, I think you dropped something…”)

Two years ago, I decided it was time to kick it up not just a notch, but several. I started going with the Queen of Quantity to a weightlifting class. As a hardcore weightlifter for the past 7 years, I didn’t understand the concept of lifting lighter weights for more reps. (“The weights aren’t pink and purple are they??”) I was used to cranking out 6 or 8 reps on a really heavy weight and plowing through a workout in an hour. But adding this class to my routine twice a week proved to be a killer. One additional day in the week, I still go in and do my old faithful weight workout. I lift much heavier weight that day though. Cable Row 90 lbs. Bicep curls 20 lbs. Squats 100 some odd lbs. I know, what about the cardio Velvet? Yes. What about the cardio.

Twice a week, I run 3 1/2 miles on the treadmill at a 3% incline. Yes, it IS like running up hill the entire time, but, the things it does to my ass are incredible. Well, that and squats. Okay, the remaining 2-3 days I do half hour to 45 minutes of some other type of cardio – elliptical, stairmaster, something like that. The trainers at my gym say, “If you can read a magazine, you’re not working hard or smart enough.” Point taken. It doesn’t stop me from flipping through Harper’s Bazaar though. Fuck it. I’m there 7 days a week.

All this working out isn’t easy. It takes motivation to get to that gym every day. It takes incredible strength to leave work to make it to the classes. It isn’t easy staying awake some nights so I can go to the gym at 9:30 so I can run for longer than the stupid time allotment on the treadmill. But it is doable. Most people could exercise a third of what I do and still see incredible benefits.

Every man who has entered my life in a serious fashion usually very suddenly takes up some sort of workout. I remarked recently to a friend, after receiving a text pic of an ex at a Little League game with his kid, that once the men leave my life, they gain a ton of weight. And yet, I never do. Probably because for me it’s a lifestyle and for them, the working out was just to impress me or for a quick fix. Not sure. Jury still out on that.

Last night, after a four day run of television, more television than I’ve viewed all year, I watched the “half ton man” be lifted out of his house and hospitalized. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me! He kept saying he didn’t eat more than anyone else, but you know what? His stomach was stretched to the size of 12 normal stomachs and stomachs only stretch by overeating! UGH. I was grossed out. Cue stomach stapling RANT.

I’m not a fan of the quick fix. You will never learn to eat right if you just pay someone to staple your stomach shut. You will go right back to how you ate and drank before your elective surgery. Besides the fact that those procedures are downright risky, they seem to be yet another sign of our decaying American culture: It’s okay to eat fried chicken and wash it down with some crisco and a few bottles of wine because you can just staple your stomach and problem solved. But don’t these people realize the problem is not in their genes, it is in their head? I knew someone who gorged on all sorts of fattening junk at lunch (meatloaf and gravy, chicken fried steak, nachos,) then popped some cholesterol meds after the meal. The bottle sat on his desk as a reminder. Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously!

Please, spare me the bullshit about genetics or thyroids. Ugh. You want to see genetics? I’m 100% Greek. I have two grandmothers and four great-grandmothers who lived their lives rounder than they were tall. I’m fighting those genetics every time I step into the gym, everytime I pick a salad over lasagna, everytime I pass on dessert. Sign me up for a lifetime membership at the gym and don’t ever expect to see me getting my stomach stapled. Silly Americans. Only here. I swear.

Rant over. I’ll be nicer later. Or tomorrow.


  1. Lemmonex

    I am with you, Velvet. These are the same people who say “but I had salad for lunch…” but smother it in bacon bits, cheese, ranch dressing. The bottom line is it is easier to be lazy, but hard work has it’s benefits.

  2. Michelle

    Oh Velvet, you actually made me miss the days of Chisel or whatever it used to be called.

  3. Beach Bum

    As much as stapling your stomach is a quick fix, they get incredibly sick if they just go about eating the same as before (the new stomach can’t handle as much) — so that’s one of the side effects that at least at first keeps them from regaining everything and eating crap.

    The thing that always amazes me, is that how do these people allow themselves to get that big, you know? I’m not small by any means, but you’d think at some point, when their knees start hurting, when they’re running out of breath just by walking across the street, when they have to buy that first plus-size outfit, when they don’t know where their chin ends and their neck begins, that they’d look at themselves and say “enough” and just tone down the eating or up the activity…

    I can certainly afford to lose 30lbs, I do have a slow metabolism (blame it on crazy diets as a teenager when I wasn’t fat but thought I was among my tiny Brazilian friends), but that doesn’t mean I eat a pint of ice cream every day and park my ass in front of the TV when I get home — if I did, then I’d be 100lbs or 200lbs overweight not just 30…

  4. Velvet

    Lemmonex – I was amazed at the nerve of this guy – he was 1000 lbs, uh, hello? You gained it somehow. There was definitely some extra food that went in his mouth and when they asked his wife about his eating habits he yells from the other room that it’s genetics. Meanwhile, they pan across their kitchen, showing three empty pizza boxes in the trash and a sink full of dirty dishes. Ick.

    Michelle!!!!! We talk about you guys all the time. Wade still reigns as hottest hetero from the dog park ever! Just saw baby pics, VERY cute! You do have your hands full, don’t you!

    Beach Bum – You know, this guy hadn’t turned over in years. They had to flip him over and even then, thought that he might have a heart attack. They stapled his stomach when he got down to 600 lbs, but still, what a mess. I think my anger on this topic comes from the fact that I have many good friends who are losing weight the normal, conventional way – by eating better and exercising. And when you adjust your life like that, it’s much easier to maintain, and easier on the body, than the alternative of stapling or gastric bypass.

  5. Cunning Linguist

    If you choose to post about this topic, and make reference to having an incredible ass, then this post becomes useless without pictures. You ruined it, sorry…now fix it.

    Oh, I agree with you, BTW. Don’t bitch to me about genetics. In the craps game of family genetics, my parents threw me snake eyes. I’m not letting it stop me.

  6. mysterygirl!

    Some people are more likely to be big, but 1000 pounds?! That’s beyond big. How many calories do you have to eat to be that size? Maybe 20,000 a day?

    I can’t imagine why someone wouldn’t want to take care of her/his body, even in small ways– I mean, it’s the only one you’re gonna get. I’m no extreme athlete, especially in the winter, but getting some exercise and eating somewhat healthily (balanced with a little chocolate, of course) makes me feel good. Who wouldn’t want that, whether they’re big or small?

  7. blueseaglass

    Oh my ass needs that treadmill. I have started looking more like a marshmallow recently….

  8. Arjewtino

    So you’re saying I shouldn’t sign up for the Power 90 program I saw on late-night TV? It only has three easy payments of $19.95 + $12.95 S/H.

  9. homeimprovementninja

    Holy crap. I saw this show (and another one) and I wanted to post on it. You read my mind (or watch the same crap TV I do). One of those guys on the shows was 27 and already had 3 heart attacks. And he still couldn’t sit in the hospital without ordering pizzas delivered. He lost weight, left the hospital, then put on 200 lbs in a year WTF!!!

    Yeah, I feel bad for the 1% of the population for which it is truly genetic, but if you want to blame others for getting so fat that you haven’t been able to cross your legs in a decade(yes that was another person), then you don’t get my sympathy.

  10. MA

    I would like for you to be my personal trainer! Woot! I’m all for fighting genes.

  11. Drunken Chud

    you know, every year at some point i get back into working out, i always try to eat right, but it’s my drinking that really helps me keep the weight on. it’s a delicate balance, but i have neither gained nor shed any weight in three years. lot’s of cardio, lot’s of weights, and lot’s and lot’s of beer. gotta do twice the amount of beer to the workout. that’s the secret to weight stabilization.

  12. barbara

    Want to be my personal trainer? It wouldn’t pay $100K, but I need one and you definitely qualify!

  13. Ulysses

    You are being nice: it’s the tough love side of you expressing itself.

  14. Velvet

    Cunning Linguist – I don’t have to post a picture of my ass until you reveal who you really are. Yes. I’m curious. Though I have a pretty good idea…

    MysteryGirl! – The 1000 lb man was not a world record either. There was a woman who weighed 1200 lbs. She was telling stories of how her husband would bring her pork chops in bed and she’d blame the dog for eating them when husband left the room so the husband would bring her more pork chops.

    Blueseaglass – We all need a break now and then.

    Arjewtino – Let me know how that works out for you!

    Ninja – I’m sure your take on this would have been way funnier. Mine was plain old bitchy with a side of pepperoni. Oops.

    MA – ‘Taint easy to fight the genes. The Velvet family ancestors ain’t tiny things…some of them also had mustaches. Thankfully that didn’t transfer to my generation either. Phew.

    Chud – Beer and drinking are definitely an incredible source of calories.

    Barbara – Nah, you don’t need a trainer. You’re active, and thin!

    Ulysses – If you say so…

  15. Valley Girl

    In that first paragraph, I TOTALLY thought you were going to say that he grabbed your a*s.

  16. Drunken Chud

    you know why it’s been so easy to keep stable the last few years? no sex. sex throws the whole the balance off. then i lose a bunch of weight cuz i can’t work out lessand i certainly can’t drink more. ahh, the intricate blance upset.

  17. Johnny DC

    As my fictional possible wife, I would say “Jesus! The gym???”

    and also
    “Jesus lived without a treadmill, so can I.”

    “Jesus said ‘Blessed are the meek’, so I’m gonna get myself as meek as possible… on this couch here. Seeya when you get back.”


  18. Cunning Linguist

    I didn’t say that you had to post a picture, I just said that your post becomes useless without one. You may keep your ass picture, I will continue with my anonymity.

  19. Velvet

    Valley Girl – HA! I wish!

    Chud – You really have a delicate procedure there. I won’t mess with it.

    Johnny – Who’s the fictional possible wife? Me? EEEEE! I’m overcome with emotion. Unless of course you then come back and tell me I’m not. Then, damn!

    Cunning Linguist – Anonymity is a funny thing around here. It’s hard to be anonymous when one comments with several names from the same place all the time, with name changes based on content…

  20. Patsy

    The problem seems to be magnified here in the south, especially. Sure I go to Babe’s Chicken Dinner House and gorge myself on full o’fat chicken fried steak and creamed corn too… but the difference is that I get up the next day and work that shit off.

    Or, at least I used to. Stupid pregnancy.

  21. Drunken Chud

    no no, please do.

  22. Ms. Anthrope

    Um yeah, I hear you on the genes. I got lucky. Daddy might have been a drunken asshole (oh wait I got those genes too) but he also was 6’2″ and skinny as a rail. So I got lucky and got his side of skinny and not mom’s side. Then again there is always time.

    You put all us lazy slobs to shame. I mean just the fact that you HAVE a gym membership is WAY ahead of me. Not that it’s hard to stay in shape in DC. Especially with all the ugly chubby asses town. Just imagine how hot we’d be in Arkansas! You did want to move after all!

  23. Muskego Jeff

    Be careful with all that work-out stuff. The heart is only good for a certain number of beats. You don’t want to wear it out too early!

    Remember what happened to Jim Fixx…

  24. wildbillthePirate

    I hope you are more than just a gym rat. You can Exercise until your body is perfect,diet until almost every spare pound is gone but you cannot escape aging or disease. That you have the Strengh,Endurance and Will to push yourself that hard is Great! but let that not blind you into a false sense of security; believing that nothing untorward can happen.

    Life has a funny way of reminding us of our very human frailities. Please consider taking time out of working out to just sleep in or catch up with friends,initially, you will feel a void but being good to yourself & leaving yourself open to Life is I’mportant to your Growth. Take My Advice- I’m not using it!

  25. michelle

    Velvet — Wade thanks you, though he thinks that since he was the only het at the DP, you’re just being kind. And as far as having my hands full, you must mean literally — let’s just say that if there was a baby Results, it wouldn’t hurt my bambino to go to a spinning class or two (course, I wouldn’t have it any other way). Hugs to all DP peeps.

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