Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Watch the Time Go Right Out the Window

This happened last year, but I just told the story last night for the first time. I’m recounting it for you here, so you can make fun of me too.

I’ve never understood the drink and dial. I’ve never done this to anyone, and when people do it to me, I’m usually sleeping or so incoherent from sleep that I don’t make any sense anyway and the drunk-dialer gets irritated and hangs up.

Last festive holiday season, Sixes and Sevens summoned me to her house.

Velvet: Oh. I’m feeling miserable. I don’t wanna.
Sixes and Sevens: I think you should. And, bring a bong.
Velvet: I’m perking up now…but I don’t have a bong.
Sixes and Sevens: A pipe?
Velvet: Sadly, no.
Sixes and Sevens: Forget it. Just come over.

I trotted my ass over with Sammy and Thora in tow. Patsy was there too. I asked what the reason was that she was asking for the aforementioned paraphernalia. She nodded to her coffee table where I saw this precious little baggie of Marra-joo-wanna. Good lord. It had been years since I’d done that.

We proceeded to do what one would do with Marra-joo-wanna. I threw a couple glasses of wine in there after it, and stumbled home. (I mean, stumbled. I remember slamming into the side of a building on my walk.) When I got home, I drunkenly checked email, read some blogs, then went to bed. I did notice that I went to bed 2 full hours after I left Sixes and Seven’s house. And I did wonder, since she lives only a block from me, where that time went.

I woke up in the morning, late for work, and scrambled off to a meeting. When I had a break, I checked my email. Remember on the Simpson’s when Bart and Millhouse find $20 and buy the super squishey with extra squish, and they go on a sugar high rampage through Springfield, and Bart joins the Junior Campers? That was me. Except my “Junior Campers” came in the form of an email saying, “Dear Velvet, Thank you for subscribing to”

What. The. Fuck.

AND, it gets better. I wrote to people! The evidence was sitting in my sent folder. I am the lamest excuse for a drunk, ever. When I saw the email I was laughing so hard tears were coming out of my eyes. This girl said, “Are you okay?” I said, “Um, what do you do when you get drunk?” She said, “I call people.” I said, “Apparently I join” Then she called me a geek.

Yep. I don’t drink like that anymore.


  1. MA

    Wow. You’ve got me beat on that one. I just boys whom I’ve loved. Then I say something stupid and can’t take it back.

  2. MA

    And by “just boys,” I mean “just call boys”

  3. I-66


    Really? I’d ask what in the name of Hailey Paige possessed you to do that, but even you don’t know the answer to that. I think I actually once joined.

    In 1999.

  4. I-66

    PS: Sixes and Sevens does that? There may be hope for her after all.

  5. homeimprovementninja


    By the way, if you really don’t have a bong or pipe (you poor thang), I’m doing some house cleaning and I found a pipe (12″ with a weird dragon on the bowl) that I don’t use (because I’ve never smoked pot…as far as you know) that you can have. I don’t have any of the little screens you stick in there, but you can probably buy them at that head shop in Adams Morgan(well, that’s my guess since I don’t smoke the pot).

  6. jordanbaker

    wait. . .when you say “joined,” did you just do the idle curiosity free membership, or did you actually shell out some $$?

    Because only the first of those is excusable, no matter how altered your state was.

  7. Patsy

    LOL Dork! Drunk emailing rules.

  8. Velvet

    MA – That would be a totally normal thing to do when one is intoxicated. But nooooo…. not me….

    I66 – There’s very little on Sixes and Seven’s list of “won’t-do’s.” Several virgins can testify to that.

    Ninja – I’ve never been a pot smoker. I lived with one for years, but it never enticed me. So I don’t want your bong and this brings me to another point – STOP cleaning out your house and giving me shit! I don’t have the room! You are becoming my mother’s kindred spirit! This is all she does, clean out her house and dump shit on me.

    JB – Oh, no, I joined. With credit card…

    Patsy – That night was fun! Though, I think back to my misery of 1 year ago from now, and I wouldn’t trade where I am right now for anything.

  9. 6s & 7s

    Oh yeeeeeeeaaaaaah. that was a good time.

    But alas poor lass, there are still good times ahead. And comparing our lives to last year we are all so much better off. Despite it all you wouldn’t want to still be dating He-Who-Must-Not-Throw-Plant-Matter, would you?!

    66-um have you not MET me? Heellllllo!

  10. Velvet

    S&S – No, not when I compare it to the delight that is my love life right now!

  11. I-66

    I have met you, yes, but you neither smelled of pot nor gave me the impression that you were a pothead.

    Not that I got close enough to really smell you. You were too busy not heeding my warnings. 🙂

  12. Velvet

    I forgot – when was that? It’s ringing a faint bell. Must be the brain cell killing pot we smoked last year.

  13. 6s & 7s

    You know you are getting old when…you smoked pot a year ago and it still causes the munchies and memory loss.

  14. Muskego Jeff

    Now that you’ve joined I wonder if they’ll lay off the spam for you. It’s probably worth $20 just to get them to quit sending me invites to join them all the fucking time.

  15. I-66

    Science Club?

  16. 6s & 7s

    I was on a MISSION. Mission Accomplished.

    And despite your warnings my foray in to THAT unknown was well worth a lot of really good jokes (and alcoholism). Which was totally worth it. Right Velvie? She STILL razzes me about that and I am glad I could make her happy.

  17. I-66

    Well, I tried.

    And that’s totally something I can put on my resume.

  18. Valley Girl

    Frequent drunk-dialer right here. I’m a loser.

  19. Not So Little Woman

    I have a friend that when she gets stoned or drunk (or both) buys all kinds of weird stuff off iTunes. I hope you were able to avoid all of the people who may have wanted to reach you. Lord knows most of us are trying to run away from our high school years.

  20. freckledk

    Jesus. I just get naked (except for the bra, which is always too challenging to remove in such a state) and pass out on the sofa with my makeup still on. It’s awesome.

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