Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Voting When it Counts: Extreme Makeover Edition

I’m so over the whole debates / who will be our next great leader thing. They all suck. It’s no secret I love Giuliani, but oy, that wife. And for any of you who stupidly think Hillary Clinton doesn’t have her OWN personal agenda that she will enact if she wins, might I remind you of the very self-serving, Pardongate? Those two are out for themselves, and only themselves. Don’t forget it. And don’t come crying to me when you vote for her, and she wins (please no, please!) and then she switches our economy to Communism with all the money we make somehow funneling straight to her and her ugly man-suit collection.

Now, let’s do a little voting where you actually CAN make a difference.

I’ve been tasked with the mother of all tasks. Sixes and Sevens has a formal event to attend for work. While we all hope she can clean her act up enough to impress the people at this event, my part is to direct her in finding a dress for her size 6, lacks an ounce of fat, perfectly toned arms, pert little B-cups, perfect little “I never lift a finger to work out but miraculously I can hold a tractor up with one hand because someone used the jack to stir the sweet tea and change the flat with my other hand” frame. She wants black or deep merlot red and formal. Here are the options I’ve sent her so far. Because some of us are label whores, cough, me, cough, I’ll tell you the maker but not the price. I don’t want the money to sway anyone because let’s face it, money should not be the deciding factor when you have to find something tasteful and it’s not our money anyway. This is an important purchase – it is not easy to make Sixes and Sevens look serious and not the type of girl who would ever, oh, let a guy spooch on her face.

Notes are below each dress. Remember – perfect body. There is nothing she can’t wear. Yeah yeah, I hate her too. Now, please vote!

Dress 1.jpg
Dress 1; Nicole Miller. As of right now, they do not have Sixes & Seven’s size, but I’m hoping someone will return one perfect, unworn size 6 shortly to Bluefly.

Dress 2.jpg

Dress 2; Nicole Miller. They have a size 6.

Dress 3.jpg

Dress 3; Tadashi.

Dress 4.jpg

Dress 4; Elie Tahari. They also only have a size 8, but a 6 could be returned shortly allowing Sixes to snap it up.

Dress 5.jpg

Dress 5; A.B.S. Also available in black. Available in both sizes, both colors.

Dress 6.jpg

Dress 6; Tadashi. They don’t have a size 6, but they have a 4 and she might fit into that. Or someone could return a 6. People like me do that at Bluefly all the time.

Dress 7.jpg

Dress 7; Vera Wang.

Dress 8.jpg

Dress 8; A.B.S.

Dress 9.jpg

Dress 9; A.B.S.

Dress 10.jpg

Dress 10 black.jpg

Dress 10; JS Boutique. Yeah, I’ve never heard of them either.

Dress 11.jpg

Dress 11; Calvin Klein.

Dress 12.jpg

Dress 12: Tadashi. It’s brown. Still waiting for her to respond if she’ll accept brown in the lineup, so don’t get too attached to this one.


  1. wildbill

    I vote for Dress 6, with dress 10 & 12 as great other choices. While I am a guy & our taste is usually only in our mouths,I like these best of all. I just think that #6 will look great moving & will draw the eyes over her perfect frame. Please let us know which she chooses & we want a pic!

  2. Rosie

    Whatever she goes for, NOT SATIN. Satin crumples and wrinkles dreadfully; unless she plans to hover all evening (including on the way there — sitting in a limo ruins so many celeb outfits) or to have a maid with a steam press shadow her every step.

    I like dresses 1 & 4 best.

  3. Danielle

    The dresses on the live models at the bottom look too much like bridesmaid dresses. I vote for #4. I think it’s important to go with her normal size, instead of trying to squeeze her into a 4 or have her swimming in an 8.

  4. freckledk

    I like #10. And, if it is sold at JC Penney’s, I LOOOVE #10.

    All good choices, though.

  5. ma

    Sixes and Sevens is a size six? I would have guessed a four for sure. While all of the dresses are beautiful, I would keep in mind that she is petite-I don’t think that she’s taller than I am, and because she’s so terrifically slender, she could go with a dress like #4. I like dress #10 as well, but you want to make sure that works right? In any case, I think that anything will look great.

  6. 6s and 7s

    Velvie you are too kind and a liar!

    And I was a 4 before rehab! Ahhh. Those were the days.

    I promise photos and updates. When velvie and I go shopping.

    Once we have a dress therell be shoe votes too and maybe lingerie IF yall treat us well.

    I also promise no orange ribbing.

  7. I-66

    I was beginning to wonder where the fuck you were. I was thisclose to texting the hell out of you.

    The only reason she would take red is so the stain won’t show when the lush spills wine on herself.

    I vote for whichever is the easiest to remove.

  8. Velvet

    Wild Bill – Lucky for you, Sixes and Sevens just happens to prioritize the opinion of a guy OVER that of a girl. So, your vote is counted!!!

    Rosie – Hmm, a maid with a steam press. I think she has that costume in her box of “toys.”

    Danielle – Damn! I was hoping that #11 wasn’t too bridesmaid, and since our little princess actually USED a bridesmaid dress for her last formal work event, we better not do that again.

    Freckled K – Number 10 is actually surprisingly affordable. It came in well under my budget.

    MA – I actually think she’s lying. I do believe she is a 4, because I’m an 8 and she and I are the same height (5’5,) yet, there are 25 lbs that separate us in weight.

    Sixes – Lingerie? Who are you kidding? You haven’t worn undies since the 80’s.

    I66 – I almost mentioned you in this post!!! I had a two week “all-about-me” extravaganza. Sorry. Won’t happen again. I’m back now. Now, you may not believe this, but Sixes and Sevens spilled a bottle of wine at Thanksgiving on Freckled K’s new velvet! couch, and Sixes and Sevens a.k.a. Martha Stewart a.k.a. Hints from Heloise bust out some salt and the wine was gone in seconds. We were aghast, mostly because we had no clue she knew anything about household tips but also because I’ve never seen her on her knees for that long without a dick in front of or behind her. So as long there is salt at this event, any stains will be gone in flash. Now, “easiest to remove,” you’ve thrown another variable into the loop here which we didn’t not include in our original specifications. Hmm. I’m thinking, head to toe zipper.

  9. KassyK

    In terms of style, I would say #4 trumps all the others by a LONG shot but since the size is too big…I would say #10 in black is pretty sexy and fashionable. 🙂

  10. Washington Cube

    Since I don’t know her coloring or her height, I will tell you what I like, based solely on the dress and not factoring ANYTHING in like wrinkles, will it show every bump whether you want to or not…any of that…

    The #11 Calvin (but my chief concern would be wrinkles, bumps and looks a tad full in the skirt viz the bodice)…the color…divine.

    The #7 Vera Wang, but again…wrinkles?
    but the cut..lovely.

    #5 A.B.S….they do some tolerable knock-off’s…the cut is sexy, the color (at least in that shot) is pretty…again..bugaboos on satin…wrinkles/bumps.

    I would nix #12..too MOTB. #10..not sure about all of that wide beading at the waist…could cut her torso short. #9 A.B.S….hate that one shoulder thing..too JLo who seems addicted to it. #8 ABS looks too knock off. #6 is great if she’s going salsa dancing; #4 Tahari..lovely cut, probably a nice crepe..good company..a “tad” safe, but nothing wrong with it; #3 Tadashi..again…that portrait neck too MOTB; #2 Nicole Miller..hate that high squared neck; #1 Nicole that may be what’s wrong with it, but…ok.

    Well. You asked. I’m sure she’ll look great in whatever you find.

  11. kikemingsley

    The way you describe her – I don’t like any of them. Everyone will have something like those you have listed. Can’t believe you are for Giuliani. Anyway, you need to find something like a vintage draped Halston, or a plungeback gown. A label whore should have more labels. Let’s go shopping!

  12. Erika

    No 1. I’m a sucker for safe

  13. bettyjoan

    I love numbers 3 and 6. They are the most unique, and they are the ones I would gravitate towards if I had a body like the one you describe. If only…

    On a quasi-related note, do you still go to Chisel? I may want to make a triumphant (read: meek and scared) comeback. Shoot me an e-mail when you get a moment. Hope all is well!

  14. E :)

    Dresses 1 and 10, fo shiz.

  15. freckledk

    I know. I Googled #10 and saw that, although it’s not a Penney’s original, it does have a Penney’s sort of price. May get the knee-length version for myself.

    And I still can’t believe that shit with the salt. I figured Sixes would be an old pro at getting out *stains* – but that spill was much more than two ounces and covered a much broader area than what our girl is used to.

  16. Velvet

    KassyK – Another fashionista, okay, you like #4 also, that’s another vote there. I’m going to just check bluefly over and over, once the size shows up we can just buy it and hang on to it until she decides, then return everything.

    Cube – She’s very Dita Von Teese. But she works for a slightly zipped up organization, so we can’t dress her like Dita. I’m nervous about number 10 only because I’ve never heard of the designer, and am not sure if it will be a quality dress or not. I appreciate your opinion very much as D.C.’s elusive arbiter of all things taste. The word “tolerable” about A.B.S. – ha ha. I was just thinking that I feel about A.B.S. the same way I feel about fucking an ex-boyfriend: seems like a good idea until you are in the middle of it and you’re like, “oh no! What have I done!!!” Oh, and she mentioned a one shoulder theme this morning, though at these prices, I think it should last more than one season. I put it in as an option, but don’t think that is the way to go here.

    KikeMingsley – That name, while hilarious, has a very anti-semitic tone! Shame on you! When you say Halston, you’ve moved on to me and my closet, right? And when I think of you (not your namesake,) I think of not wearing clothes at all.

    Erika – I think that is one of my top three.

    BettyJoan – Yeah, I go. I hadn’t gone for a full month and Mike gave me serious ‘tude on Tuesday. Then he told me my hair was very Britney and you know how those gays love Britney. And yes, I understand that he may or may not have been implying that I look like I recently shaved my head and put in black extensions. Ugh. I’ll be there Tuesday though.

    E:) – G’day Aussie!! I’m partial to number 1 also!

    FK – Wait, you googling maniac. How did you do that? I found it on Nordstrom, here.

    The other amazing thing about that spill was that she was in the midst of cleaning up, something I also didn’t expect her to do when there was good wine to still be drunk.

  17. kikemingsley

    ViD – per Wikipedia, in the modern English language, the word kike (I presume that is what you are referring to)is a pejorative ethnic slur. In cultures where this word is a given name (the Hortonian culture, for example), suprisingly, it is not considered derogatory. As to your other comment about clothes – it doesn’t matter whether they are present or not – the result is the same. Final vote – #6.

  18. Velvet

    But that wasn’t his real name! You’ve gone and slurred it up to the point where I might have to pretend I don’t know you! Except that pretending I don’t know you conflicts with my other objective, to have as much sex with you as possible until you get sick of me. I believe it is your quote under the header of this site…


  19. barbara

    I love #4. (But then I like anything by Tahari.) It’s simple, yet very dressy without being so shiny.

  20. idiotmingsley

    I have changed my name to protect the innocent. I think the point remains the same. Now that you have stated your objective, everyone will want to know my real name. Luckily, they can’t see this. BFF … Brad P.

  21. bon mariage

    #3! #3!

  22. Velvet

    Barbara – It used to just be “Tahari,” now it’s “Elie Tahari.” I need to look up how and why that happened.

    Idiot Mingsley – I’m not sure who these “innocent” are who you are protecting, but okay. No one will want to know your real name. They like aliases around here. I can call you “Idiot” if you like. I will also post here, your dress which far blew our budget away, but Sixes liked it very much and said you had excellent taste. Cough, there is ME after all, to back up that claim.

  23. I-66

    See, and here I thought that Sixes & Sevens was adept at getting out stains that had the salt already in them.

    And what do you mean you were going to mention me? I demand to know details!

  24. Velvet

    I knew you would come out to comment and make fun of Sixes and Sevens, so I had initially planned to crack jokes at her expense and then write, “Right I66???” But I forgot!

  25. mama in lala

    6s & 7s is a size 4. period. and her size 4 self can suck on my saggy post-baby ass. also, #4 and #9 are hot. mama likey.

  26. I-66

    Are you kidding me? I couldn’t resist a little poking of fun at Sixes & Sevens. It’s a tradition, like laughing when kids fall over and flaunting my awesome gifts to the Jews at Christmas.

  27. 6s & 7s

    Ah I love it when the family comes together to support each other.

    Mucho THX to everyone who pitched in on the dress ideas. And also the compliments on my stain removal! I am quite handy in many ways…on my knees and otherwise. Yet I still have lots to learn from my mentors Dita and velvie.

    And mama…was that an offer because you’re pretty hot!!!

  28. jordanbaker

    1, 4, 6, or 10 in the red.

  29. Velvet

    Speaking of he who came on Sixes and Seven’s face…she was just walking backward out of my place to the elevator and when the door opened, the face-cummer was in the elevator. I love awkward moments like those!!

    Mama in Lala – I really think she’s a 4 also.

    I66 – You and Mingsley are making this an anti-semitic post for some reason! Bah!

    Sixes – Oh, I don’t know that I have anything to teach. I never leave my house.

    Okay, I’m ready to start the eliminations. While I love Dress 10, and many of you do too, I’m scared that not knowing the designer could mean that a dress arrives which looks the quality of Forever 21. I also want to nix dress 12, because Cube ruined it by saying that it reminds her of Mother of the Bride. Also it’s brown, and that wasn’t an option. I’m chewing my lip on 1, 4, 6, 7 and 8.

    Sixes, with your black hair and snow white skin, I think red is a very very good consideration. Let’s bombard Bluefly with some orders and do the fashion show.

  30. I-66

    Man. Those 6-sided geometric shapes ruin everything don’t they?

    Just because I like poking fun at the Jews doesn’t make me anti-semitic. It’s not like it’s their fault that they get 7 tiny crappy gifts on their holiday.

  31. I-66

    Yeah… and besides, why does it matter how it’s made if it’s just coming off at the end of the night anyway?

  32. Velvet

    I’m not sure if I told the kids here that you’ve moved and left me in this shithole alone. Okay, well, that was hurtful to those with whom I spend my time. Let me try again. Apologies to King of Dog Park and Mingsley. I didn’t mean it.

    Sixes and Sevens has left the Beltway. She lives in Pennsyltuckey, and while one would think she’s close by based on the number of times a certain co-ed keeps checking in over here, cough, Richard, cough, Sixes and Sevens is no longer in the District.

  33. The Stoic

    I know where she is. Sorry I check in so often, the comments to your stories are usually as interesting as your stories, if not more so. Haven’t seen you in a long time Velvet, surprised you still remember me.

  34. I-66

    Why do I have the feeling that she’s significantly closer than you make it seem…

  35. Velvet

    Oh, the Stoic, of course I remember you. When Sixes and Seven’s ruins their lives they usually come to me asking, “why? why? WHY?” And everyone remembers you. Even my friend Circ, who gave us all a ride back to the ‘hood after we crashed your date with Sixes and Sevens – you remember, that date where she gave another guy her phone number right in front of you? Oy. That one is a mess, isn’t she?

    I66 – No, she’s really in PA. It’s very sad. My dad, who spent the first 18 of his life doing “time” in PA, laughed like a hyena when I told him where she was moving.

    Sixes – Shut up, you miss it already. We’ve got 7-11, and they are 24 hours. And believe me, if you started a blog again, I think EVERYONE would be reading.

  36. I-66

    That town is totally going to end up on the news.

    I mean CNN. National shit.

  37. Velvet

    I don’t miss Wonderland and I live 10 blocks from it. That bar, while formerly “underrated,” is now highly “overrated.” And once it was overrun with bloggers, uh, I forfeited.

    I feel like I just spelled at least three words above, wrong.

  38. The Stoic

    Of course I remember that night Velvet! I remember that guy Sixes gave her number too being kinda obnoxious. Glad everyone remembers me, I hope for good things. I think I met ninja that night as well…could be wrong.

    I have a couple “why?” questions to ask Sixes, but I’ll save them for her, though I am tempted to ask you Velvet.

  39. Uncle Keith

    Number 4 has that pulled up over your head in a limo look. So, that’s my choice.

    Woo Rudy!!!

  40. Velvet

    The Stoic – Oh, PLEASE ask me. PLEASE!!! I’m DYING to answer questions about Sixes. Since I don’t leave my house, she’s my only form of entertainment. And we’re not talking of the wholesome variety.

    Keith – If Rudy divorced Judi and married me, then he’d be a way better candidate. Way better! I still hope for the best.

  41. mysterygirl!

    2, 4, 8, 10 in red, 11.

  42. homeimprovementninja

    Thinking abotu 6s & 7s in a 4 or 10 gives me a stiffy.

  43. Uncle Keith

    You would make a superb First Lady.

  44. The Stoic

    Velvet: I’d need an e-mail or something to send questions, thus bringing about hours (or at least minutes) of entertainment for you, and me. Sixes has mine if anything, ask her

    Sixes: Oh I know you do, stalker…

  45. erin

    #8. And she seems tinier than a six. Fucking bitch.

    PS, you prob already heard–Anna Wintour called Hil “mannish” and a “cum-guzzling whore.” Pass it on.

  46. Big Tone

    I am voting on number 4 because that dress is dynamite! At least as a male, it was the first one that caught my eye.

    Good luck with the choice, 6s and 7s.

  47. Dan

    #4 is the sleekest, smartest, most impressive of the lot, and lacking any info on skin tone or what not, I’d say black is the way to go. Can’t ever go wrong with a sexy black formal dress – looks good on, coming off, and crumbled on the floor the next morning (or so I assume…)

  48. Velvet

    6’s – What secrets? I blab everything good about me to the world. Well, not via this blog, but still!

    Ninja – Everything gives you a stiffy.

    The stoic – velvet in dupont @ – just without all the spaces.

    Erin – No I didn’t hear about that catfight, but awesome! I love when two bitches I don’t particularly care for go at each other. Like when Rosie and the Donald started bickering. Ha! That’s good entertainment!

    Big Tone – Everyone does seem to love 4. Okay, we gotta get that one.

    Dan – And another vote for 4. Hmm. Very very good. How are you? Don’t you still have a password to come guest post? What happened with that?

  49. Dara

    I might be late to the debate, but based on the pictures alone, I’d vote for 4, 9, and 11. But if it were me going to a work function, my big problem would be finding something that covered up the tattoo on my right shoulder, so assuming the backs look like what I think they look like, it would wind up being 10.

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