Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Project Runway & Project Sammy

Tomorrow I have two interviews and my time this evening would have been better invested doing some company research. But, no. Instead I glued myself to Project Runway, not for just the first showing, but the encore too. And then while it was showing the third time, I was on the phone conducting some armchair psychology for the man I’m so positively enamored with for some guy but I had one eye on the tellie anyway.

Anyway, I never do the TV recaps because I usually only watch Forensic Files and I don’t think any of you really care where a body was found and how one piece of lint traced the killer to a New Mexico Adult Education Ceramics teacher. But to me, that stuff is just fascinating. So, some Project Runway thoughts…

I think it is obvious that Rami and Jillian are going to have sex, if they haven’t already. When she had her breakdown at the sewing machine and said she was getting blood on everything (eau people from her finger!) he ran right over and put his arm around her. I would rather Rami put his arm around me, however, for two reasons. First of all, I’m a sure thing. Second, I have the same hair as Jillian but I know what a STYLING PRODUCT is. And I use them. Many of them. So that my hair doesn’t look like that. Come on Jillian. Get some Curls Rock and use it!!

Chris is so underrated as a designer. His prom dress should have won two weeks ago. They didn’t even discuss it, they just dismissed him off the runway as happily mediocre.

One of my dogs keeps farting and I don’t know which one it is but if I figure it out I’m going to throw the little asshole on the balcony. It’s times like this I wish I had a yard and not some common space with eight generations of rats living in it.

Sweet P cries too much and she’s just way too indecisive. She changes her mind every time the wind blows. The tears, jesus woman, get it together. Women shouldn’t cry at work. And if they do, they are viewed as weak and lose major points in both respect and potential for advancement so cut that shit out.

Heidi Klum has some sort of speech impediment and I think she skips over entire syllables when she’s talking. She definitely can’t say her r’s. Next, on Pwoject Wunway!

Nina Garcia. Oy. I feel like she’s a stand-in for Weekend at Bernies. She NEVER MOVES. She sits in that chair with her legs tightly crossed, holds her judging card in front of her face as if someone is going to cheat off of her like my friend Gina Jenovatti did off my SAT’s. Please, if I was going to cheat off someone in that room it wouldn’t be Nina Garcia. I’m not even sure it would be any of those judges. When Nina’s talking, she turns her head side to side, and does a lot of Rachael-Ray-ish hand gesturing, but she never moves in her seat. She’s permanently stuck in the chair. I wonder if she leaves when they wrap filming for the day. She looks like a bobble head with an eating disorder. Something about her screams “bulimic.” Last night she clearly only went to the “makeup” part of “hair and makeup” because no one took a brush to that mop. While I’m bashing her I would also like to point out that her clothing looks like it is 20 years too young for her and it came from Forever 21. And she’s a judge? Yikes.

So, I won’t ruin the rest in case you haven’t seen it, and the end was sort of unremarkable anyway even though I cheered at who got booted. My prediction for the final three is Rami, Jillian and Christian. While I hoped Chris would pull through to the end, he keeps punctuating two good products with one horrid and I don’t know if he’ll make it. Besides, there is obviously some weight discrimination going on. Leave it to Queen Kors, the Bulimic Wonder and Cindy Brady over there to not give him the credit he deserves.

Speaking of binging and purging, several people have told me that my little dog Sammy is looking very plump these days. Sausage, muffin top and liposuction are just some of the terms I’m hearing. I am not doing anything different, but he does have an eating disorder. He likes the binge, but he’s not so good at the purge. A friend just said, “Didn’t you notice he was getting fat?” I said, “No, but I did wake up the other night to the sounds of a really loud old man snore and I wondered who the fuck was in my house until I realized it was Sammy.” So after making Sixes and Sevens presentable for her work gala, that’s my other side project to work on. Get my dog on a diet.

The fun never stops here in Dupont.


  1. always write

    1. Curls Rock really does rock.

    2. I thought Rami was gay.

    3. Forensic Files also rocks. Velvet, P.I.: Totally your next career move. (Put D.C. cops to public shame by solving their cases before they have time to brush the donut crumbs off their bellies!)

  2. homeimprovementninja

    1) Take your dog running instead of doing your treadmill routine.

    2) Project Runway? Is there a reality show about everything now? What’s next, a reality show about bloggers?

  3. e

    836 words, 4456 characters, and not one thing about 6&7’s sex life. Where is the justice?

  4. jordanbaker

    I didn’t know dogs could get muffin tops?

    And I was happy with the aufing too. I would’ve been happier if it was Ricky, but viewers can’t be chosers, I guess.

  5. chris

    Nina Garcia’s hair always bugs. Does she not own a comb? Or any kind of stying product? Seriously, the flyaways she’s got going on make her look like she stuck her finger in an electric socket.

  6. chris

    And since you like Project Runway, have you checked out the fabulous blog Project RunGay? Highly recommend:

  7. Velvet

    AW – I had that exact statement “is Rami gay” in my post, but then I deleted it because I live in a Gay ‘hood and I’ve come to learn that all being gay or not gay is negotiable.

    Ninja – Where have you been? At least this one is based on talent as opposed to some of the other crap staged reality out there. “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancee” anyone?

    E – I’m impressed you counted, or at least impressed you copied and pasted into Word and ran a check for me. Don’t worry, I’m going to see Sixes and Sevens next week in her new redneck abode and I’ll report back.

    Jordan Baker – When they wear low rise jeans they can! God I was so happy when they kicked that bitch off. SO HAPPY.

    Chris – Or that she stuck her finger down her throat for 19 years and counting. She just doesn’t look healthy. And ladies, when the upper arms begin to sag, please stop wearing sleeveless things. That was directed at Nina Garcia and that blockhead trannie calling herself the Millionaire Matchmaker. Yes…I watched that too…

    Chris part deux – Yes, I LOVE those guys. They had a post about the Chris March prom dress and how he should have won as well and they covered my sentiments exactly. Jay McCarrol also writes a blog recap on and it is hilarious.

  8. Velvet

    Chris – Those Rungay guys stole my armchair psych reference! Bastards!

  9. I-66

    My old family dog used to fart silently and leave the room. Moments later we’d smell the most heinous of odors and look at eachother until we looked around and noticed that the dog was gone. Eventually we conditioned ourselves to grab the Lysol whenever the dog abruptly left.

  10. Velvet

    I finally figured out it was Sammy. He farts, then he wags his tail because he likes to spread the smell around for Thora and I to enjoy.

  11. James, Etta

    OMG you are now doing Project Runway recaps. What does this mean? Who have you become? (You know who, but I won’t say HER name!!! LOL!)

    Someone needs to get out of the condo — STAT!

  12. JohnnyDC

    So is sixes and sevens still having the weekly money shot fling with the down the hall neighbor or have they crawled back into their bottles?

    As a fan, I’m hoping for the former.

  13. nato

    I’m not familiar with Project Runway, but I do have more than a passing familiarity with farting dogs. Good luck on that one, and if you solve it, let me know. Our new adopted puppy is pure putrescence. He’s parasite-free and we haven’t changed his diet, but still the paint is peeling in every room he lies down in for more than ten minutes. The only good thing about his flatulence is that it effectively masks the farts of the older dogs, which were themselves bad enough to make you want to curl up and die.

  14. Velvet

    James, Etta – It wasn’t a recap. It was a collection of bitching about various items Project Runway related.

    Johnny DC – Sixes and Sevens moved out of D.C., WITHOUT fucking the neighbor. Though, and neither of them know this tidbit, but I’ll reveal it here. Sixes and Sevens was recently in Italy for several weeks. Some texts indicated at one point that the Concierge in her hotel in Rome had taken a liking to her and was going to “show her around” wink wink. After I got that text, not 10 minutes later, I went outside to walk my pups, as well as hers, and my neighbor said, “Wait, is that Liz’s dog?” I said, “Who the fuck is Liz?” He said, “Oops. Oh, don’t tell her I forgot her name.” No worries dude, she’s fucking a Roman right about now… Their love affair was over before it began!

    Sixes – I can’t take his snoring though. It’s really loud. Because he’s so fat. He waddles now. It’s like his metabolism just went on vacation. Project Beltway makes me cry.

    Nato – I think the culprit is the wet food I’ve been giving. New puppies though, they take a while for their stomach issues to shake out. As a puppy, Sammy took a shit in the bed with me when I was asleep. Aah yes, that moment when you wake up but before you open your eyes, and you realize the whole place smells like puppy shit.

  15. nato

    Our puppy likes my wife’s closet for a good dump. That, and a nice long, walking circle around one of the chairs in the living room. He’s very good at dropping just enough every few inches to make almost a complete circle. I think it may be performance art. If only I lived in L.A. or NY, I could make money off of his “Puppy Shits Circles” show.

  16. Velvet

    Thora shits in circles. She drops the first bomb then swings around in a semi-circle to smell what she dropped. Then she keeps walking. Little Princess. God Forbid we stand close to where we just pooped. Drop and walk, drop and walk. It’s not easy to pick up either.

    Sammy enjoys pooping ON things. As in, he might be 5 inches off the ground but he will still find a rock, anchor his ass over it, and take a crap. Once I let him out in a grassy field when I was driving to Florida and he ran and ran to follow this white paper bag that was blowing through the field, and when it stopped long enough he anchored and shit on it.

    Aah dogs.

  17. homeimprovementninja

    I keep getting the names mixed up. Which one is the cute one?

  18. I-66

    Do they make puppy Gas-X? Beano? Something? There must be an answer!

  19. James, Etta

    6’s & 7’s: Count me in on the Project Beltway hating: let’s talk! We have quite a lot of hating to get caught up on.

  20. Pagan Marbury

    Hi Velvet! Thanks for your comment today- I added an appropriate response. At least someone noticed I was gone! I’m not quite back yet but you might be hearing more from me.


  21. Velvet

    Ninja – Fuck off.

    I66 – I don’t know, maybe we should invent something.

    James, Etta – Look, don’t encourage her. Must I refer you to the last time Sixes and Sevens was allowed out of her blog cage? I think “all out war” comes to mind first…not that she ever took anyone down who didn’t squarely deserve it.

    Pagan – I saw you in the live feed and almost croaked. I’m in shock!! You’re back!

  22. e

    There, was that so hard? Excellent. “Liz” gettin hers in Rome. By the way, how’d them interviews go? (And whatcha talkin about Redneck abode? She done move inta a hillbilly shack?)

  23. I-66

    Sixes & Sevens likes being in a cage anyway.

  24. freckledk

    Did you break up with Sammy or something? That usually is the cause of excessive weight gain.

  25. I-66

    Maybe he’s pregnant.

  26. Velvet

    E – We can’t call her Liz. She has too many names as it is! Redneck abode = Sixes and Sevens has left the district and now resides where the deer and the antelope play.

    I66 – No, from what i’ve seen, she cages them. And they end up liking it. Well, except for that one guy.

    Freckled – Interesting, you bring to light my theory. I would never break up with Sammy though. My love for Sammy and Thora endures like the smell of Gorgonzola.

    I66 – How. DARE. YOU! Accusing my little angel of engaging in heterosexual activities? Sammy is gay. GAY. He has never humped anything in his life.

  27. Washington Cube

    Fierce little Christian wuz robbed. I think Sammy should poo all over Ricky.

  28. blueseaglass

    Its all about the DVR baby. Did I mention I am working at our local vet? We can totally fix the farting canine. hehe

    love ya

  29. wildbill

    You could try Beano in her wet food. Or try one of the many dry brands. Is Sammy Old? That also causes indigestion. As you walk him, have you noticed he also passes gas Outside? Movement is also good for relieving that as well. Take My Advice… I’m not using it! 😉

  30. barbara

    You could just borrow Jake to steal Sammy’s food. That’s how Jake put on 15 pounds when Dylan was still around (and of course Dylan lost 15 pounds.) Buy Sammy the diet food and don’t give in to pathetic begging. He’ll slim right down for summer!

  31. I-66

    Maybe it isn’t who Sammy humped, but who humped Sammy?

  32. Karmann Ghia

    New post! New post! It’s time to dust the cobwebs off your keyboard and write a new one!!!!!!!!

  33. Not So Little Woman

    Basil is on a low-calorie food. It’s full of fiber, so he poops like he’s getting paid to do so. It seems to be working…

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