Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Ladies and Gentlemen, We Are Making Our Initial Descent Into the White Trash Airport

Well, I’m sort of pissed off at you guys. Yes, all of you.

If you are going to do something, for everyone’s sake, do it right.

Exactly ten years ago, I started waxing what was then, a closely cropped bush. When I learned of a place that actually, gasp, did the elusive Brazilian, I ran off in search of the eternal four weeks of hair free bliss. Back then, there were very few places who did this. Maybe a handful in the country. I was well before the trend on living life pube-free.

The first time I went for a Brazilian, she tried to leave a “Landing Strip.” Oh, hells no Kotobuki, you’re taking all that hair off and you’re taking it off now. She protested, I gave her $20 and she finally saw fit to wax it all. There’s nothing like throwing money at a Vietnamese nail tech to help her change her mind. (Sorry, was that insensitive? Well, suck it! I’m telling a story!) It took several years for this trend to come full swing and it was clearly MY bitching at various salons up and down the eastern seaboard helped push this trend along. You’re welcome.

Now. I’ve noticed something that disturbs me quite a bit. I think that right now it is just a west coast trend. But I’m seeing it everywhere. Avert your eyes if you scare easily.


What is this? A backlash to the Brazilian? Let’s take a closer, grainier look.


All right. I have a few questions. When a guy with a landing strip is eating out a girl with a landing strip, what happens? Are there sparks? Is it like rubbing two sticks together? Will there be a fire? Can I rub my hands in front of it because it’s cold outside!! Wait, I got a little carried away with that last one.

This is the part where I explain why I’m mad at you all. CUBE and I started working on salons country-wide over ten years ago to make sure you all could one day enjoy the Brazilian Bikini Wax. And yes, I mean “you all.” A Brazilian is just as much for the girls as it is for the guys. So our work was done and she went on a trip and I took a tiny break to have a little sex and look for a new job and we left you all to watch the store. And what did you do? Most of you fell asleep and at least two of you were smoking pot in the back alley cause I can still smell it, (!!) and now this landing strip for men is suddenly spreading like the wave from L.A. to the east coast.

Put your foot down people. Make it stop at the Mississippi. Do not allow it to penetrate our turf! (Heh. I said “penetrate.”) By my calculations, I66 is the furthest west, so we need you to saddle up boy. Patsy is on the other side of the Mississippi but Texas and trends don’t go in the same sentence, much less the same state, so while my money would be on her to stop this shit, she won’t have a chance to intercept it. Fight the guy’s landing strip. Fight it.

Thank you. That is all.

*For more examples of “male landing strips,” please watch The Millionaire Matchmaker and check out, oh, any of her clients.


  1. I-66


    A of all, what the fuck do I know about facial hair? I’m 27 and I can’t grow a full beard. I blame it on my partial asianity. A positive byproduct of this is that it would make it impossible for me to grow one of those ugly things, and it also means I don’t often keep a lot of facial hair.

    B of all, certainly there are some readers in Frederick, MD or some shit. Besides, what’s my motivation?

  2. kerrie

    Hey! I went to your lady, on your recommendation. She completely molested me, in the very same way she did you. You know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.

    Still, I’m going back next weekend. Nothing like forced masturbation and the declaration that I am now “smooove like a Hawwywood movie staaaah” to make a girl brave hot wax and awkward tantric poses.

  3. Velvet

    I66 – Listen. You like to jump on a cause and see it through. You think I can trust some redneck from Fredneck to champion this cause when they have collard greens boiling over and a trailer that needs another cinder block under it to right it up?

    Kerrie – Yeah, and? I did you a favor and you know it! Besides, I heard you went to the bar and got a couple pints when you were supposed to be watching the place!

  4. Muskego Jeff

    That gives me one more style to try. Two weeks ago the goatee I’ve had for the past decade finally met the razor. Now, just to screw with my co-workers I’m growing it back without the mustache. I think the Amish look is going to be “in” this year! I might go with the fu-man-chu in there as well after it grows in again. Or the huge pork-chop sideburns… I can grow facial hair like nobody’s fucking business.

  5. I-66

    Okay, we all know that Kerrie liked being molested.

    And Velvet, I need an enforcer. Someone to stand around, wear sunglasses, and threaten to beat someone up if they don’t heed my warnings.

  6. F

    (I was asked to change my name for the sake of anonymity)

    My advice to you is save yourself the trouble and buy the pro kit–the warmer and everything–and teach a friend to do it for you. If you don’t care about her seeing your vag then you end up paying about 100 bucks for 20+ waxes. I do it for a few of my friends, and I taught my Black Market Wholesaler how to do it. He keeps threatening to open up a shop out of the back of our house.

  7. Washington Cube

    Obviously I have to put my two cents worth in. Give me a few, and I’ll be back.

  8. I-66

    F – that isn’t a very good costume you’re wearing.

  9. Red

    I saw that landing strip on Millionaire Matchmaker and thank gawd she got him to shave it.

    The dudes who have that landing strip probably wear Drakkar too.

  10. lemmonex

    This could not be timed better. I was watching “Millionaire Matchmaker” this weekend and found myself thinking the exact same thing. If I can subject myself to hot wax and a chatty woman who overshares information about her personal life when I am at my most vulnerable, these fuckers can shave their WHOLE god damned face.

    PS: at my place, there is a mirror across the wall from you. WTF. I am paying someone else to look at that; I really do not need to see little Lemmonex being maimed.

  11. rothko

    Am I the only one here who wishes he had been sexually active during the 70’s? Back when wax was something you spun, and there were no “landing strips,” just landing jungles, baby.

    On a related note, I discovered recently that when there’s something rubbing against an area of your body regularly and repeatedly, it will do a pretty effective job of removing hair. Given that, I guess I’m kind of surprised you would need a Brazilian, Velvet.

  12. Dara

    Ugh. Every time I see one of these doofuses with the stupid facial hair, I want to punch any and all girls that date him. Because they’re just encouraging the behavior, and that’s really the problem.

  13. Uncle Keith

    I promise no landing strip on my face…I mean I promise that I will not grow a landing strip on my face…I can’t promise I’ll never have a landing strip on my face…You know what I mean…Is it wrong if I like bush?…I’m old school…I like bush?…I’m sorry…I’ll shut up now.

  14. jordanbaker

    This is like this decade’s version of the soul patch. I would say that I hope it’s shorter lived, but less face it–douchey facial hair:guys::tramp stamp:girls. It’s a pretty sure indicator of the sort of person wearing it.

  15. Velvet

    Muskego Jeff – Have you seen that poster of beard styles? You should probably keep it in your bathroom for inspiration.

    I66 – I think we can arrange some muscle for you. Let me give it some thought though. Right now all I can offer is a can of mace which would be a huge sacrifice for me considering you’ve seen the neighborhood in which I (and maybe you) work.

    F, formerly E – That’s a bad name change, but hilarious nonetheless. I actually have waxed so long that I don’t have a lot of growth anymore. I sort of look like a cancer patient. So I do it myself. And I wouldn’t want some chick crawling around my cooch anymore than I would want to do it to her. Wow. The things I learn about you though…

    Cube – We’re waiting…

    Red – OMG DRAKKAR!! I forgot about that. All my high school boyfriends wore Drakkar. Well, except for the mechanic. He wore eau de motor oil. And another question for you follows below.

    Lemmonex – I really don’t understand it at all. And there were a couple guys on there with it, the aging rock star and the guy Lonnie who was a total dick to the girls. Lonnie, a.k.a. I own many restaurants and a.k.a. when I’m googled “Lonnie Moore” you’ll see I’m accused of rape and my response was “Well, she was hot.” Yeah. That Lonnie.

    Red & Lemmonex – Help me with something. How old is that tranny crazy matchmaker? And why does she wear leggings and babydoll dresses? And why does no one put two and two together as in: If she can’t dress herself and she isn’t married herself, what makes her an authority on matchmaking??? I read that she graduated from my college in the mid 90’s. Hmm. I, too, graduated in the mid 90’s and don’t remember her. And I also find it hard to believe she’s 34 or 35. Really hard.

  16. E

    Rothko, I’d just like to point out that biologically, palms and penises are typically hairless and have nothing to do with your empirical example of constantly rubbing them against each other.

    Personally, I’m surprised that you waited that long to wax your twat, Velvet. I would’ve expected you to be hairless at 15. I just recently waxed it ALL off and it looks weird. I want my Hitler-stache back.

  17. Velvet

    Rothko – Not only wasn’t I sexually active in the 70’s, I missed the 80’s too. Though, I think that women sans bush is much better than with. Also, for the whole smell-factor. What? I’m being honest. the point of hair is to trap scent and yikes. There’s a scent I don’t want to bottle. Now for your issue with your thigh, you’ve seen those guys who wear trouser socks over and over for years and they have no hair for the last 1/3 of their lower leg, right?

    Dara – Have you seen it locally? I’m skeerd.

    Uncle Keith – I laughed so hard at this.

    Jordan Baker – It’s going to be a painful rise to the top of this and a happy crash to the bottom. Sort of like in the mid 90’s when all the guys were greasing up their hair and combing it forward on their foreheads. Ickkkk…that was NEVER hot.

    E – You forget, I’m 12 years older than you. So what I would be doing at 15 would make you, eek, 3!!! I don’t even know what waxing was like back then. Shit, at 22 I could barely trust anyone with my eyebrows, I’m not sure what would have happened if I tried at 15. I did try it at home once when I was 22. It was a colossal disaster.

  18. E

    Do cancer patients lose their vag hair, since the rest of their hair is gone? Also, the simile leaves me wondering about the taste of a cancer patient, which isn’t somewhere I’d particularly like to go first thing in the morning.

    I watched that episode of Millionaire Matchmaker and have decided that the tranny is a poor-man’s Chyna.

  19. sixesandsevens

    I didn’t read all of these comments because I am so damn busy but here is what I have to say…

    I look at it like Mahjong tiles. If only we could get pantiless Britney/Lindsey to sit on that guy’s face and see if they match!

  20. homeimprovementninja

    Yeah, I’ve seen that douche-stache on left coasters, which is why I think Los Angeles should be nuked.

    About that show…
    1) she is so annoying (and low class) that I don’t know why anyone would do business with her (“I’m sorry you’re mom is in the hospital, hopefully she didn’t take a turn for the worse…but I need you to send a check to me because even when your parents are dying I’m still a greedy bitch”)

    2) She’s giving millionaires advice on how to dress? If the women sought out that agency because they are looking for rich guys, you don’t have to do much. They are looking at your bank account, not your effing shoes.

    3) Of course she’s still single. She’s not even attractive for DC, in LA she’s a dog…with a bad attitude.

  21. lemmonex

    I swear I heard her say she was 40 at some point. There is NO way she is mid thirties. She dresses for shit, though I will say, her hair is quite glossy. I generally tend to have hair envy.

  22. Patsy

    Hey! Don’t be lumping all of that redneck bullshit into my tiny neck of the woods! I am landing strip free and proud of it, because there’s no way I’m birthing a kid with a vag-fro going on down there. I found a place that does the best brazillian ever, and for only $40. Score!!

  23. Velvet

    E – Tranny matchmaker WISHES she had a muscle in her body like Chyna. I can’t tell you about smells, I’m hetero and proud.

    Sixes – Funny you would say that…the pic is Adnan. Brit’s new bf.

    Ninja – I KNOW! If someone called me when one of my parents was in the hospital, I’d be all, “Bitch! Get off my phone!” She does have a bad attitude.

    Lemmonex – Did you see where she told any girl with curly hair to get thermal reconditioning? Is she for real? Is this the same thermal reconditioning which makes people’s hair fall out after a couple years? Wow. Just, wow.

    Patsy – Did you have to draw a diagram on how you wanted your pubes waxed? Huh. I pay $45 I think. I don’t know. I go so rarely now. But that bitch is faaast.

  24. sixesandsevens

    Oh then maybe Brit wears a mirkin and it just rubbed off on adnan’s face during a little munch lunch.

  25. Velvet

    You are the second person in my life to know what a merkin is. Great.

  26. sixesandsevens

    of course I know. In fact I think I learned about it one night with Patsy when were over at Free’s. As I recall there was a conversation about a friend of his whose last name is MERKIN! can you BELIEVE IT!

  27. Velvet

    You are a dirty dirty whore. No. You really are.

  28. achy

    There is a relation between waxing, shaving and the merkin. So HOT!

    “A merkin is a pubic wig, originally worn by prostitutes after shaving their genitalia to eliminate lice or to disguise the marks of syphilis. There are many different ways of wearing a merkin, although most involve placing the merkin on the vulva or the scrotum.”

    Thank you Wikipedia.

  29. Velvet

    And there chimes in the first person in my life to know what a merkin is. What would you do if I showed up at your house one day with a merkin?

  30. achy

    Merkin Muffley? That would be fantastic. Merkin and Muff separately would be much better.

  31. sixesandsevens

    apparently back in the day Playboy used merkins too. Or so I hear.

  32. Washington Cube

    I’m back and ready to pay lip service (pun intended) to this piece. The look is soul patch gone south and needs it’s own name: lipstache? muffabator? And is it true there are 27 words in Albanian for moustache?

    madh bushy moustache
    holl thin moustache
    varur drooping moustache
    fshes long broom-like drooping moustache with bristly hairs
    dirs ur newly sprouted moustache (of an adolescent)

    I’ve dropped this woman’s info on someone’s blog before (here?), but again,
    For Superior Waxing:

    Maria Duquette
    Brazilian Wax Center of D.C.
    1146 19th Street
    Washington, D.C. 20036
    Phone: 202-775-1999
    Her direct line: 202-223-2089

    {Not to be indiscreet, but she has a male client who drives from Pennsylvania to get his entire body done.}

    Maria is wise in using a high grade wax, and that is one of the keys to a reduced “ouch” factor..that and skill.

    I always thought the best wax out there (and still to my mind) is by the J. Sisters out of New York. The ones where Gwynie Paltrow signed an 8×10 saying “You changed my life.” You can get their wax online via:

    Now let me go check to see what you can buy locally at a beauty supply house. One of your commenters earlier recommending doing it yourself, or with a friend. I wouldn’t. Doing the pubic area is a two person operation, but to be really thorough, you need to spread and contort and rip at the most sensitive skin on your body (armpits hurt like hell too), so I would really stick with the pro’s on this one. However, if you do buy your own supplies, you will need 1) heating pot for the wax (around $25-30), 2)muslin strips bought bulk..not that much, 3) a pot of wax (Depileve Essential Oil Lavender Resin is what I use at home for smaller areas…no ouch), 4) the wooden spatula sticks to apply the wax and the removers and creams: 5) GiGi Wax Off: wax remover for the skin (you WILL need this), and 6) GiGi Sure Clean (all purpose surface cleaner).

    Velvet? Girl? You just give and give and give back to this community, doncha? I swear the D.C. Chamber of Commerce and Kiwanis and Scottish Rites Temple and BBB should be handing out awards on this blog for your educating the D.C. populace. Get your theology degree out of the back of an issue of Rolling Stone,; and incorporate into the Church of What’s Happenin’ Now.

    I’ll have to invent a Merkin cocktail in your honor.

  33. Washington Cube

    and I coughed while typing html and look what happened. HA. I’m leaving it.

  34. sixesandsevens

    {Not to be indiscreet, but she has a male client who drives from Pennsylvania to get his entire body done.}


  35. Velvet

    Achy – I think the fever has hit your brain. Perhaps I need to come over and give you another of my award-winning blowjobs. I’m not sure who dispenses these awards.

    Sixes – I like when Holly on the Girls Next Door ripped all the “full bush” pics off the walls in the office.

    Cube – While googling for pics, I found out they do call this several things, none of which I like: Male landing strip and soul patch among them. You had emailed me her info at one point. I should try her. It gets old going to the same lady and having her have a conversation with you which you don’t understand for the better part of 20 minutes, then having her grab your hand and make you feel yourself. Yeah, not so much. I do the waxing myself inbetween major work. Though now, there’s not much hair left so it’s sort of useless to go get waxed when there’s just some sprouts of it. I dunno though. Ask Achy. He’s the one doing quality control inspections.

    Yes, I DO GIVE, and what do these people do Cube? They left the store unmanned! Please invent the merkin cocktail.

    And finally, you temptress, you will not change my font with your non-closed html tags! I fixed it! HA!

    Sixes and Sevens – HAHAHAHAHA! I’d like to know too, since that town you live in looks like it hasn’t seen the 1990’s yet, much less the new century. I can’t imagine who that person is. But you can bet he’s the town’s urban legend. “Y’all hear hillbilly Ricky goes to get all his hair ripped out by some torture loving dominatrix in dat dere big city?” “What big city? Frederick?” “No, da real big city!”

  36. I-66

    Fucking shit.

    I leave these comments unattended for a day and it’s out of control. I am acquiring Chick Magnet for the weekend later tonight. I am wondering whether she can be trained to attack men with this facial hair and claw or bite it off.

  37. Washington Cube

    Oh crap, Dad is back watching comments. And he’s got a dog. Cute one, too.

    I have to create a sidecar with lemon wheels (don’t ask), photograph it, and get this thing blogged by tomorrow. You girls have a great weekend. 66? Be a good kid.

  38. Uncle Keith

    Scientists have been warning us that global deforestation will lead to more global warming.

  39. wildbill

    Check out:

    I have a ‘stache but FD policy made me shave the beard years’ ago. I think the landing strips would stick together like Velcro, which would be cool. I’d never have one though-too wierd.

  40. F

    I don’t do it myself, but after seeing it done to me 20+ times, I got ambitious and bought all the shit they use–warmer, muslin, etc–and taught my boyfriend how to do it for me. Definitely makes for interesting conversation when I’m lying on my stomach, spreading my ass cheeks. One thing you might wanna do (if the Hawwywood Waxing Sawwon doesn’t do it) is dust yourself with baby powder to absorb any sweat, which is one of the reasons why we get ingrown hairs.

  41. Velvet

    I66 – Train her to claw it off. Biting puts them out of their misery too fast.

    Cube – I found pics of a cocktail, a merkin and sunglasses. I also wanted a mustache for the merkin. I was going to photoshop a picture of the merkin drinking the cocktail but it’s too hard.

    Uncle Keith – Mmmm…deforestation…

    Wild Bill – So you can have a ‘stache but not a beard? Huh. That’s odd.

    “F” – Also known as EEEEEE – Yes, I got the baby powder down, and I’m good friend with the wax removal cream. So are my bathroom floor tiles…once I scrubbed the floor with just the wax remover. What a difference it made!

  42. achy

    ViD – take F’s advice. Teach, lay on stomach, spread.

  43. Velvet

    I am NOT letting you wax me. NO!!!

    and to “E” masquerading as “F,” you keep your fancy ideas to yourself!

  44. E

    Stop outing me, you cancer-patient-merkin-wearing cunt! Heh.

  45. Washington Cube

    Great…coochie wax remover cream and leaves your bathroom floor sparkling clean. Only on this blog, folks.

  46. Washington Cube

    Oh yeah..while I’m at it:

    Saw her on Def Jam. Love her. Check out her other stuff about dating men out of prison and going to the Slawson Swap meet in South Central L.A.

  47. I-66

    Chick Magnet says she’s not doing any hair removal unless she talks with her agent first. She’s such a diva.

  48. Velvet

    OMG, Cube, I’m crying. “My uterus is on that paper! How am I gonna get child support now??”

    E Slash F – You need to delete your URL if you want to really be anonymous. Christ. Young’ins.

    66 – Tell that bitch dog we need her services!!!

  49. I-66

    She’s trying to bargain. She wants to sleep on my bed and for me to sleep on the floor. I have my limits.

  50. I-66

    and by the way, ‘vet, that’s what I meant when I said “F – that isnt a very good costume youre wearing.”

    Christ indeed.

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