Well, I’m sort of pissed off at you guys. Yes, all of you.
If you are going to do something, for everyone’s sake, do it right.
Exactly ten years ago, I started waxing what was then, a closely cropped bush. When I learned of a place that actually, gasp, did the elusive Brazilian, I ran off in search of the eternal four weeks of hair free bliss. Back then, there were very few places who did this. Maybe a handful in the country. I was well before the trend on living life pube-free.
The first time I went for a Brazilian, she tried to leave a “Landing Strip.” Oh, hells no Kotobuki, you’re taking all that hair off and you’re taking it off now. She protested, I gave her $20 and she finally saw fit to wax it all. There’s nothing like throwing money at a Vietnamese nail tech to help her change her mind. (Sorry, was that insensitive? Well, suck it! I’m telling a story!) It took several years for this trend to come full swing and it was clearly MY bitching at various salons up and down the eastern seaboard helped push this trend along. You’re welcome.
Now. I’ve noticed something that disturbs me quite a bit. I think that right now it is just a west coast trend. But I’m seeing it everywhere. Avert your eyes if you scare easily.
What is this? A backlash to the Brazilian? Let’s take a closer, grainier look.
All right. I have a few questions. When a guy with a landing strip is eating out a girl with a landing strip, what happens? Are there sparks? Is it like rubbing two sticks together? Will there be a fire? Can I rub my hands in front of it because it’s cold outside!! Wait, I got a little carried away with that last one.
This is the part where I explain why I’m mad at you all. CUBE and I started working on salons country-wide over ten years ago to make sure you all could one day enjoy the Brazilian Bikini Wax. And yes, I mean “you all.” A Brazilian is just as much for the girls as it is for the guys. So our work was done and she went on a trip and I took a tiny break to have a little sex and look for a new job and we left you all to watch the store. And what did you do? Most of you fell asleep and at least two of you were smoking pot in the back alley cause I can still smell it, (!!) and now this landing strip for men is suddenly spreading like the wave from L.A. to the east coast.
Put your foot down people. Make it stop at the Mississippi. Do not allow it to penetrate our turf! (Heh. I said “penetrate.”) By my calculations, I66 is the furthest west, so we need you to saddle up boy. Patsy is on the other side of the Mississippi but Texas and trends don’t go in the same sentence, much less the same state, so while my money would be on her to stop this shit, she won’t have a chance to intercept it. Fight the guy’s landing strip. Fight it.
Thank you. That is all.
*For more examples of “male landing strips,” please watch The Millionaire Matchmaker and check out, oh, any of her clients.
You let that baby sleep on the bed. What’s wrong with you. Shame on you. Of course she can sleep on the bed.
Yeah,it is weird,but as always,they have a rationale. They say that you can’t get a sear on your rescue facemask with facial hair.I had a full beard for years’ before Now I must content myself (and Others) by having the nicest ‘stache
BTW:the word was seal. Not sear
that was the point. christ. olden folks.
It’s SLAUSON kids, not SLAWSON…there is no cabbage involved.
Well, I’ve lost total fucking control. I have absolutely no idea what you people are talking about.
Carry on.
For the record, there was no dog on the bed. She’s way too big and likes to spread out. If anyone wants to buy her a mini-tempurpedic mattress I’m sure she’d readily accept.
Oh, and for anyone counting, that’s…
I-66: 2, E: 0.
PWNED!
bwawawawawahaha….loving the dialogue on Velvet.
Honey? Ya got one of them SAH-LONG’s going on in here…Yer the Madame de Stael of yer age.
and 66? That dog is not too big for the bed. What is she? Irish Wolfhound? Mastiff? No.
Doggie on bed.
Can someone buy me a mini-tempurpedic mattress? I need a nap and that sounds deeeeelightful.
If I ever wondered why I come to read this blog every once in awhile, I think it can be best be said this way. At no other location on the internet would I be able to consider whether or not a cancer patient can grow pubic hair…or what they taste like. Because of you and E or F or whatever her name is, these thoughts have now entered my brain.
I’m not sure whether to say thank you or not, I think I might be more frightened than anything. But I can’t deny the entertainment value.
Cube – You come put her up there then.
Aqua Velvet – Lay down on that and you won’t wake up til dinner.
CL, cancer patients lose all hair — including pubic; and, I was told they taste like a banana fiber drink.
Vulvet, see what happens with “u” instead of “e”.
*snorting at “vulvet”* (seeing vulva reference points, of course.)
(())
Jerky / Achy – No more blowjobs for you. You’re done, Soup Nazi.
…so does that mean you suddenly have a surplus to give away?
No. The blowjob store is closed for renovations.
That is not the kind of spirit I expect for comment #69.
Vulvet – Take a look at the ad for the Dyson DC24:
Ballâ„¢ technology
Hygienic and quick to empty
Reversible wand
Motorized brushbar
Fingertip brush control
No Loss of Suction
I hope this helps with the renovations.
I think that instead of a blowjob store you should open a sex shop. Sixes can come down and manage it with you–she can be the local sex pro and help your customers pick out the right kind of lube for a first-time anal adventurer. In our neighborhood, we’d have lots of customers.
And Jerky–my mom’s a nurse and once had a guy come in with serious lacerations from sticking his piece in a vacuum tube. Better to apologize and tuck your dick between your legs than to mess with Dyson.
You could call it “Dupont Penetration” and have a giant sign in front with the letters D and P much larger than the others.
A, I’m surprised someone hasn’t commented as “vulvet” or “merkin.” Usually that happens by now.
Two, if any of you people haven’t learned, don’t encourage Jerky!
And C, who sticks their dick in a vaccuum?
E you are on to something. DC is in serious need of a good Fuck and although Velvet and I have personally tried to do this in our years there, I think venturing into a business might help get that town of a funk.
Now blow jobs…hmmm, how’s you know that’s the topic of C U Next Tuesday.
Open Mouth. Sixes Inserts Foot.
Sigh.
Can we please not talk about what a whore I was when Jerky/Achy is on the board? K? Thanks.
It’s all virgin over here. All virgin.
Whatever. Like inserting a foot is what Sixes would do with an open mouth.
You guys be “good.” Chick Magnet and I are going to the pet store.
thank you 66.
Oh so Jerky, want to here about the time she….
You can’t spell “hear,” Jerky spelled “masturbate” wrong in a text this morning..I just can’t deal with this mediocrity. People please. We’re a world-class operation here.
And Jerky’s gonna be hard-regretting the blowjob ban when we’re on a plane next week with nothing to do but read books.
OK LISTEN, bitch. I’ve been on paper cutter duty all fucking morning and it’s cold at the office and I don’t want to be here and I am hungry and haven’t had sex in 2 weeks. FUCK OFF you witch!
blow job ban? What’s WRONG with you?! Jerky, maybe you need a real woman….
Since you seem to be implying and offering yourself up as the “real woman,” might I point out that you are manning a paper cutter today. I wouldn’t be going anywhere near that!
Jerky earned the blowjob ban. See above. He called me Vulvet because I called him out on his misspelling of masturbate, his spelling being “masterbate.” I cannot abide by misspelled words having to do with things I love. It’d be like if you misspelled “Thora” or “Sammy.”
Is this day over yet?
I actually enjoy the unreal woman. Vulvet, I though you were a virgin — or were those panty hose? Hmm… it would explain why your toes kept curling up.
wow someone really got up on the wrong side of the broomstick today. What’s wrong your tits frozen to the balcony railing?
If a man texts you about masturbating (!) then you should just appreciate it no matter the spelling. You’ve got a good man and a vacation with said good man, to a sunny place coming up…GRATEFUL anyone?
And Tater and Tora are spelled as anyone wishes.
And say I was cutting paper having to do with something tawdry…then that DOES make me a good woman. At least I am not pondering a drawer full of unlabeled KEYS! TWAT.
and another thing…After that bomb I dropped on you yesterday, you OWE me for a good piece of gossip so BE NICE.
J/A – Yes! I own the last pair of “suntan” color pantyhose available in the year 2008. I’m a rockstar!
Sixes – My broomstick was iced over. I would have parked it in the garage, but that’s a whole other story I haven’t told you yet involving mass car break in’s at my abode and further lockdowns by our bitch Condo President.
Those keys still piss me off. Keys to doors I can’t find are my nemesis.
I’m still in pain from yesterday. I’m not sure that’s true. Though, it would certainly fit with your resume nicely.
“Sixes and Sevens, gets ’em while straight, converts ’em to gay in three sleazy steps.”
yeah, i have references now. “results may vary” should be added to that.
I agree. I think he was lying too.
Now I have no idea what is going on. But the dog has toys, so that’s good.
Well you know the Playaz are totally opposed to this whole discussion.
First, with the men, we endorse full mustaches or full beards – no other in between (though we must forgive Kenny Rogers for his goatee – an unfortunate choice even for Kenny – but he’s old and perhaps somewhat senile).
Second, full bushes, ladies! The pubes emit pheromones! More bush more pheromones! More pheromones, more love making!
That’s why Larry from the Three Stooges was so attractive to women, and Curly was not. Moe was gay (obviously).
Good job Phil!
Phil showed up! YAAYAYA Now this blog is cookin’.
Ah, Velvet. I know what you’re doing. I’ve executed this very plan several times. It’s the “give me an excuse to be petulant so you can TAKE what you want from me” act. See, Achy, what she really wants is for you to want her more, so she’s witholding. Instead of buying into her plan, just throw her around a bit and have some aggressive sex.
Wow! This White Trash Airport is really crowded, don’t you think?
E you must come to Pennsyltuckey on the next Velvet visit. You bad bad bad girl!
OH MY GOD, IT’S BACK! I have something to DO during the day now!
YIPPEE! Velvet saves the day!
Man, you fuckers are checking in early.
Must be nice being unemployed. I’d sure love to sleep in.
beep. beep. beep.
That was velvet on an IV in the ER. Thankfully she’s come out of it…though not out of the woods yet.
Being unemployed means giving E a whuppin’ twice.
Exactly–I lost because I was getting PAID to work instead of sitting UNPAID to play scrabble. You just made my case for me!