In honor of the rain that won’t quit, I break my previous rule about not posting from work to, yes, you guessed it, post from work.
My fRienDs, By vElveT in dUpoNt
Thursday evening started a whirlwind victory tour celebration for E’s birthday. A milestone birthday? No. Just a regular old, run of the mill,
24. 23. (Yes, I maintain friendships with “preteens” but they are only limited to a select few.) E’s boyfriend, the Black Market Wholesaler (don’t buy a laptop on CL because BMW is the seller and it’s usually just a Georgetown yuppie’s rehabbed laptop that he cleaned some dust out the keyboard, then relisted for twice the price – a capitalistic business plan of which I approve, however, I’ll continue to get my laptops the old fashioned way: by wearing short skirts and asking Mr. X to haggle a reduced price for me,) tricked us into joining the celebration.
BMW sent this totally flattering email about how Mr. X and I are the only couple he could potentially tolerate for a 30 course dinner, so did we want to join them for E’s birthday but it’s a big surprise. How on earth could I say no to that? All I had to manage was to keep my mouth shut. Not easy. But I did it.
Anyway, 1 sea urchin, 1 olive oil ball, 1 “organized ceasar salad” (because all the ceasars you’ve been eating are a “disorganized mess,”) 1 deconstructed philly cheese steak, some cotton candy, 25 other non-descript courses and several thousands of dollars later, Mr. X and I joked that maybe we should stop and pick up some mozzarella sticks on the way home.
Sixes came down Saturday morning for the continuation of E’s three day celebration. (Seriously, who are you? Miley Cyrus?) Sixes asked about the Hostess and her boyfriend, perennially caught up in a sea of “we’re broken up” / “we’re back together.” The conversation went something like this:
Me: They just have too many rules and I don’t think they can get beyond their rules.
Sixes: What do you mean? The Hockey Player and I don’t have any rules and Ohmygod did I tell you how cute it is when he..
Me: SIXES! Enough!
Sixes: What? Do I talk about him a lot?
Me: Yessssss! (Trying to show exasperation in my tone.)
Sixes: Well, it’s this version of me or the other version and you didn’t like that cracked out whore very much.
Me: Okay. I’ll take this version. Anyway, The Hostess makes these nutty rules that I just laugh at her for. They’ve gotten back together and broken up so many times that even when she’s crying, I think I’m just laughing and that’s really not a very good friend. But seriously, she’ll say, ‘Okay, well we decided not to talk but that didn’t work because we missed each other so we decided to just instant message only but then we started talking about getting back together so I had to get off IM and so we started to text but then we couldn’t say everything we wanted in texts and he got mad so he said we shouldn’t talk at all so then we stopped, but then I saw him at the dog park and then when everyone went home we made out but no, we’re totally not back together and I swear we’re not talking for the whole month of May unless it rains for exactly 2 hours and 4 minutes before 11 a.m. on Tuesday, then we’ll talk but only by IM and only if he’s flossed his teeth and not for more than a minute and 16 seconds because we realize that at a minute and 17 seconds that we start to fight so that’s what we decided.’
Sixes: Oh. My. God. So this is what I’ve been missing?
Me: Yeah, so now they are broken up.
Sixes and I napped (by nap, I mean, Sixes napped and I watched Forensic Files) and then we went to E’s next birthday celebration. After we ordered some $100 worth of wine and morsels of cheese, we decided to make our money work harder for us and we went Annie’s where I ordered my favorite: steak fries and BBQ sauce. While Sixes and I were eating, and decompressing, because if you think that catching a vision of E sauntering around in short shorts, stilettos and a push up bra doesn’t burn a “porn star” image in your head that you’re hard pressed to get rid of well, you’re wrong. All of a sudden I see something hilarious:
Her “boyfriend” /ex-boyfriend.
And all the dogs in tow.
Sneaking down the alley to the Hostesses house.
I scream out to the entire restaurant: “OH MY GOD LOOK AT THE HOSTESS AND HER BOYFRIEND!” Never ones to not be pot-stirring assholes, Sixes and I promptly texted her, “So, what are you doing?” She replied that she was just hanging out and asked what we were doing.
“Oh, not much. These french fries at Annie’s are goooood.”
“Damn it! You saw us!”
“Yes, just get back together already and Sixes said we should just go pick out bridesmaids dresses tomorrow since she’s in town.”
You can save those dresses to wear for me!!!
It wasn’t a push-up; my tits are naturally awesome. And I thought I was Hayden Panettiere? Now I’m devolving into a breast-displaying, tween-with-waxed-pubes-so-you-can’t-tell-I-barely-have-any-to-begin-with porn star? HOT. BMW could get arrested for the things we do…
And the email you sent “warning” us about bitching us out–this is flattery compared to what usually comes out of your mouth.
Future Mrs. – I don’t do “bridesmaid” so I apologize, but you’ll have to find someone else. I’ll come though!
E – You ARE Hayden Panettiere. I wasn’t worried about you or BMW or Sixes, but the Hostess might punch me in the face for making fun!
And PS—I’m not dumb enough to pose for Vanity Fair and expect it to be “artistic.” That Annie Leibovitz is pure smut.
Mmmmm… fries and bbq sauce…
Uh, where am I?
Oh. E, you think that that’s devolving? That’s straight up evolution.
And I had about 15 courses myself yesterday at The Oval Room. What’s better than that? Not paying for it. Booyah.
Happy Birthday to E from the Heart,
For that night, she dressed up like a Tart,
But with Velvie as a Friend,
the Fun never ends,
6’s & 7’s -Don’t Start!
why does everyone think the hostess is so sensitive?? she knows she is crazy and deserves to be written about?
Um, am I the only one who is completely bowled over by Wild Bill’s limerick? Well done!!!
Serio, nicely done Wild Bill!
Nice story; I felt like I was there. Except I didn’t get to see E in her Hayden Panettiere costume, but then again I’ve never seen any of you, so what does it matter?