Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Money For Nothing and Chicks For Free

Mr. X has an ex (the ex-Mrs. X) who is, how shall I put this nicely. Um. Batshit crazy, frighteningly angry and certifiably insane. Yeah. That sums it up. When hearing stories about her, I find it funny to climb to the top of my pedestal and make fun of her. It’s so easy to do. However, I realize that this makes Mr. X feel not so special about himself because ultimately he did make the decision to be with her for a point in time in his life. He’s not a tit for tat kind of person but I know that if he considers ever going into defense mode and bringing up my sordid past he certainly has a wealth of material.

Well Mr. X, love of my life, I present to you: the latest news of the ex you and I call, simply: “crazy guy.”

In case anyone forgot, Crazy Guy is the one who bought a house a block away from me after swearing for the better part of a year that he was not, in fact, stalking me, and “I don’t know how you could accuse me of stalking just because you had 18 missed calls from me inside of an hour, I show up in bars I know you go to, follow you to concerts 60 miles away even when you tell me not to, jog by your dog park and I’m sitting outside your building in my car right now!?!?!?!?!?”

A piece of information landed in my lap this morning which will probably make Mr. X scream with glee. I am officially part of what I truly hope is a one-member club: “My ex-boyfriend is now an infomercial-guy.”

Yes yes. It’s true. I have sadly discovered that Crazy Guy is now hawking products on a horribly designed website complete with “before/after” graphics and tons and tons of !!!!!!!! exclamation points.

I have officially had, inside my body, the cock of a ShamWow, Snuggie, Dual Action Cleanse, Time Life Series, Ped Egg, Oxi Clean, Ginzu Knife, Mighty Putty, Bedazzler Kaboom Billy Mays!!!!!! I tried to send the link to FreckledK but she couldn’t even bring herself to look.

Mr. X? You may begin your fun-making but ACT NOW! IF YOU BEGIN YOUR FUN-MAKING IN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES, I’LL GIVE YOU AN EXTRA FUN-MAKING SESSION FREE! THAT’S TWO FUN-MAKING SESSIONS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE! BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! I’LL ALSO THROW IN THIS POCKET SIZE FUN-MAKER WHICH IS YOURS JUST FOR TRYING THE DELUXE PACKAGE! YOU CAN KEEP IT EVEN IF YOU CHOOSE TO RETURN THE WHOLE ORDER!!!!!

!!!!!!

!!!!!!

!!!!!!

24 Comments

  1. mysterygirl!

    Oh my god. Oh my god. Awesome.

    !!!!

  2. jo

    Wow. Now there’s actual proof (sort of) that those people really are certifiably insane! I mean you’d kinda have to.

    BTW have you seen the video of Vince (of Shamwow fame) showing off the Slap Chop and asking us to see his nuts? If not, go to you tube now. So worth it.

  3. allezoop

    I need the link in the worst way.

  4. James, Etta

    OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

  5. James, Etta

    OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

  6. LiLu

    Oh, please, please send me the link! I’ll look, I can take it!

  7. Velvet

    MG – !!!!!

    Jo – I tried to insert a video but my site seems to be pissy today. It was a Vince/Billy Mays showdown of who is better.

    Allezoop, LiLu – Links have been sent!

  8. allezoop

    The before and after photos were priceless, but I was really hoping he was shilling something like Nad’s hair remover.

    Everyone has embarrassing exes. I blame temporary insanity, alcohol, and boredom for mine, but I certainly don’t take responsibility for them. Denial = happiness.

  9. Mr. X

    Which body part for $100 Alex ….

    Doesn’t drip, doesn’t make a mess.
    Lasts ten years.
    Acts like a vacuum.
    Cleans up spills fast.
    Works wet or dry.
    Holds 12x its weight in liquid.
    Turn it over and use again and again.

    Worst part — there’s your mildew – you know that will smell.

    Best part — you know the German’s always make good stuff.

  10. Velvet

    Love of My Life: I have no idea what you are talking about. Can it clean previous filth out of me so I’m all pristine and virgin-like for you?

  11. Dagny Taggart

    I just found (through the wonders of facebook) that my first boyfriend ever is now a motivational speaker.

    With a giant, glaring misspelling smack in the middle of his website.

    I prefer to toast to how far we’ve come. Nastrovye!

  12. Velvet

    Dagny – I love Facebook for that type of information alone! What does he speak about? Anything good? I did note some grammatical errors in the ex’s sites. Yes. That’s plural. Seems he thinks if you can hawk the ShamWow! then you are also somehow qualified to hawk real estate too.

  13. Uncle Keith

    I like the earpiece and Madonna microphone thingie in the ShamWow/SlapChop commercials.

  14. James, Etta

    These guys are cuter, IMHO:

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_fTT9xlgZ9CU/SZTFbaJJ74I/AAAAAAAAS5I/AGXIiztD_v8/s400/BillyVince.jpg

  15. jordanbaker

    Oh, I wish it was Vince. “Stop having a Boring Tuna, Stop having a Boring Life.”

  16. Hammer

    I have decided to quit my job immediately and become a motivational speller.

  17. JohnnyDC

    Remember when Courtney Love was about to join Madonna and Kurt on the interviewing platform on MTV and Madonna was just like “ohhh nooooo Kurt….”

    “ohhh nooooo Velvet….”

  18. MA

    But I love the shamwow!!!!

    But I don’t know that I love the shamwow guy.

    Oh. Velvet. This is the stuff that makes you wonderfully human. 🙂

  19. Anonymous

    I don’t know. Those ShamWow’s do seem kinda cool… So thirsty.

    (PS – Hammer = brilliant)

  20. I-66

    Whaaaat? I can’t even imagine this is possible. That’d be like…

    Actually, I don’t even know what it’d be like.

  21. Kerrin

    I love the ShamWow commercials for one line – “I don’t know, they sell themselves.” For whatever reason I find that to be funniest and greatest line ever in an infomercial. Maybe it’s the way he delivers it.

  22. Dara

    Man, my exes are so boring in comparison. I need to date weirder people so I have better stories.

    Oh wait. Maybe that means that I am the crazy one in the relationships. Shit.

  23. freckledk

    I worked up the nerve to click the link…..finally!

    That “After” pic looks photoshopped to me; he appears to have added an inch or two to his hairline while he was at it.
    Wow, what a twat. There really are no words.

  24. OMG

    I was just watching The Soup and nearly spat my mouthful of Zin all over the white rug when mug shots of the man of the hour were shown!!!
    http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0327092sham1.html

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