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D.C. Cops Suck Ass Part 11: I Swear Chief, It’s Not Cocaine All Over My Face!!

It’s no secret that we’re suffering a bit of a crime wave here in the city. In addition to the dramatic rise in car breakins in Dupont, we now have a Spiderman-Burglar on the loose. The criminal(s) have been getting on to rooftops and breaking in by climbing through roof access or skylights.

A couple weeks ago, I came home to find most of my neighborhood cordoned off. I heard through the neighborhood grapevine that Spidey had struck again, this time breaking through a skylight on Corcoran and New Hampshire. The cops, typically a day late and several dollars short, were giving their report to the news teams who had showed up to cover this “breaking news.”

My neighbor told me after his car was broken into that he had a witness who called the cops and they were “within 30 seconds of catching him.” Sure. I believe you. Where’s that powdered donut? Anyway, apparently the cops have been promised that anyone who gets this guy will get a full day off with pay. As if their job isn’t cushy enough. Please. I spit my bailout tax dollars all over that bullshit.

So now I’ve noticed something. Cop cars parked all over the place. At the corners of several blocks in Dupont. The cars? Unoccupied. Yes yes, can you imagine being at that planning meeting?

“Let’s increase the perceived police presence in Dupont. We’ll call this new initiative PPP. Perceived Police Presence. Got it? We’ll synchronize our watches and park all our cruisers at the corners of every block. That should do it without having to work very hard.”

“Uh…Captain? What were those letters again? Three P’s? Is that a new bar? Do they have donuts there?”

Do you morons think this criminal is stupid? He’s been evading you for months and you think a handful of unmanned cars are going to throw him off? Even me, a mostly law-abiding but sometime Stop Sign roller has it figured out. I bet Spidey could break into one of these empty cruisers, eat a dozen donuts inside and you all wouldn’t even know your car was broken into. But you would know the exact variety of donut he ate, I’m sure.

10 Comments

  1. Paul Oberle

    Way to V… you gave away their super secret police tactics. It is that kind of ‘tell-all” attitude that let the criminals and terrorists win!

  2. k

    “Looks like we got another four-five-nine (burglary) Captain… the sky-light latch was broken and all the valueables in the bedroom were taken… suspect left no fingerprints on stainless steel fridge or other evidence like follicle of hair…”

    “let’s call it a day… I hear there’s a two-for-one on donuts at the 7-11 around the block”

    “agreed… case closed”

  3. JohnnyDC

    Velvet, they’re kind of busy.

    Drawing chalk circles around every donut they eat.

  4. Dara

    Cops hang out at my office building all day long, double parking and blocking the flow of both pedestrian and auto traffic, while shouting at each other across the elevator lobby in grammatically incorrect sentence fragments.

    I am fully convinced that (1) when they get something right, it’s because they were told what to do by a lawyer; and (2) eventually, the ones with an ounce of sense quit, usually to become lawyers. But that’s my natural bias.

  5. Velvet

    Paul – I wish the police in DC were held to the same standard of police in another city. Or any other city. Or any small town anywhere. Or the cops on COPS. But no. We’re stuck with Reno 911, East Coast Style. It’s very sad.

    K – They sure do love themselves a 7-11. They are always out front of the one on 17th Street.

    Johnny – If they drew the circles with Strawberry filling, that would be pretty appropriate. Each district could have a different “marker” for outlining the crime!

    Dara – Cops do have to be told what to do, don’t they? It’s like among all the tests to become a cop, measuring common sense isn’t one of them. Wait. There are tests, aren’t there? Shoot. Now I have to investigate.

  6. Washington "We Always Leave The Light On" Cube

    Yanno…this could be beneficial to the police force. They can cheat on their wives and tell them they have extra night duty to catch this perp, and then they could hoof it over to Motel Six on New York Avenue for some headboard banging, only if you are using the handcuffs make sure you have a “safe” word, the key, and don’t get too vigorous because the walls at Motel Six aren’t all “that.”

    Or you could go cruising over at the National Arboreteum nearby and jerk off in the conifers section yelling “BANZAI!” while listening to your Tora, Tora, Tora soundtrack, only the groundskeeper thinks he hears “bonsai,” and comes running saying “Bad for glass. Sea water bad for glass,” and Jake Gites strolls up with tape across his nose saying, “It’s Only Chinatown,” only it’s not Chinatown, nor Japan and that brown acid you dropped finally kicks in and you think you’re in the movie Yellow Submarine, only instead of the Beatles it’s got Spiderman and you shoot a Juniperus virginiensis and some of those white waxy berries go flying and you accidentally swallow one and it’s a bad mix with the donuts and acid and what not, so you wind up on indefinite medical leave and get up late one morning to get the paper off your porch which is when you read that Marion Barry was Spidey and was robbing to pay off his back taxes in some warped Robin Hood kinda thing.

  7. Cyndy

    Maybe it was Spidey they were chasing down H Street this morning. In slow motion. So slow that I was able to get it on video. Or maybe they were just pretending to chase him.

  8. LiLu

    I live in Shaw, near a police station.

    And honestly, those blocks where it is are the scariest in the hood.

  9. Uncle Keith

    On the bright side, you will be getting a voting member of congress. So, everything will just click into place.

  10. gunnlino

    The first time I visited the Baltimore/DC area I was shocked to see the number of fat cops, sloppily dressed fat cops and bad attitude/rude fat cops.
    I spent nearly 30 years with a large So Cal P.D., only once was another cop near that size, and he was woofed on so badly that he lost the weight quickly.
    Buncha’ morons.

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