Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

She’s Picked Out a King Sized Bed

I’d like to say that the swift pace at which X and I have been making wedding decisions has endured for each area of decision making. But when it came to the dress, progress came to a screeching halt. Let’s review my thought process as it unfolded in my brain:

Wearing dress for a couple hours. Frugal. Don’t like spending money on things. Decide to buy off rack. Hate frou frou stuff anyway. Loved Carolyn Bessette Kennedy’s dress since the day I saw it. Looked for a sheath. Wonder where hers is, she’s clearly not going to use it again. Oh. Going to hell. Looked at my stomach. Wondered about reality of a sheath and my stomach taking a meeting and realizing they don’t like each other very much. Must lose extra 10 lbs that arrived since January. Must get back to working out. Nachos. Tacos. Pizza. Okay. No sheath. Something else. What though. What.

The idea of a sheath has been in my head since the 90’s when JFK and CBK got married. Simple, classic, very, um, me. Shut up. I am old enough now to qualify for classic! But there are an additional 10 pounds on me since the mid 90’s. So the hunt began. First, I had this Carmen Marc Valvo dress shipped to me:

 

As I suspected, the sheath and my fat pockets had a big fight, the fat won and the sheath was boxed right back up and sent back to where it came from. For a split second, I entertained my “dream” wedding dress. It’s clearly this Halston:

 

But then I had to slap myself. This lady wants $2400 for it, she wants all cash (um, hello?) and I think that price is pretty ridiculous. It doesn’t mean that I won’t one day write her a check for it and buy it just to try it on but for now, it’s back-burnered.

Okay, other dream dress? This! EEEEE!

 

Yeah, I know. They aren’t easy to see. Believe me, witches, I had a hard time too. What the deuce is wrong with all these photogs putting pictures of white wedding dresses against white backgrounds? I was turning el lappytop in all sorts of contortions to try to get a visual on some of these dresses.

Anyway, Bottega Veneta dress above? $6000 and sold the eff out anyway. Onwards.

You may recall that J Crew was in the throes of filing bankruptcy when one Michelle Obama wore something of theirs to some stupid event and the entire brand was resuscitated. Well, J Crew has a wedding department and they have some awesome dresses. Here’s my favorite, and by far the one that rose the ranks quickly:

 

Love it love it love it. Fabric? Something I never heard of.   I swung by the store in Georgetown to check it out and was told, “Even the skinniest girls have to wear spanx.” Let me tell you what doesn’t sound fun. 1) Wearing a girdle. 2) Wearing a girdle in July in Connecticut on the swampy humidity of the freaking Long Island Sound. Effectively back burnered. Say Hi to Halston!

Next!

My lovers at BCBG never fail to disappoint. I hopped on to Nordstrom and bought a handful of dresses from them. Why didn’t I do it at BCBG? I’ll tell you why. They don’t have a return policy. Are you people joking me? You know we’re in a recession right? I’m not going to tape the tag inside my dress and do the wear/return, but still. NO RETURN POLICY? Within 10 days you get a store credit with a receipt, but you will NEVER EVER get your money back from Bon Chic Bon Genre. Bah. So Nordies. Here’s what went into my cart and on to my credit card:

 

 

 

I like them all, but I don’t love them. However, I resigned myself to the fact that this may be what I’m destined to have.

And during this whole process, I can’t stop thinking about this other dress I saw online but called every store as well as the maker, and cannot locate one anywhere:

 

So it’s been a mess. For something that was supposed to be so simple, and that was going to be a minor part of the budget, this whole shebang has been causing a lot of heartburn. Just like with the man, everyone said, “When you find it you’ll know.” Bah. What the f*ck ever. X and I danced around being in love for 4 years before we got together, all the while I was entertaining YOU people with a dating blog. Ugh!

After a day at Tysons (I and II) and then out to Fairfax to a bridal place to see a dress similar to the one just above, I was a mess. I called X, because I value his opinion so much and because his taste level is so on target. This is evidenced, in fact, by the ring that he got me all by his wittle self. And no I’m not posting a picture because here’s a cold hard truth: It’s f*cking tacky to ask people to see their ring, to ask for a picture of it or to make comments about it one way or the other. Is anyone listening? I hope everyone’s listening. Tacky.   And that’s why for anyone who has asked me for a picture, I haven’t sent one. So there’s your answer to that quandary.

Anyway, X pretty much said I had to do this on my own. (Don’t even ask me why my mom wasn’t with me. You all know the answer to that. Oh, you don’t? Because if I wanted someone telling me how fat I was and how I don’t even fit into the moo moo size dresses when I’m a god damned size 8, then I would have invited my mom.)

I waltzed into Macy’s Bridal on a whim, shook up what I wanted, and spit it back out. This lady pulled a dress about 4 times my dress budget. I put it on, and it literally took my breath away. She said, “This is it?”

Yes. This is it.

7 Comments

  1. carrie m

    I almost said, WHERE’S THE PICTURE??! But then realized that this would be showing the dress before the wedding to X, which is, yeah, not the best plan. Very exciting that you found *the* dress and you love it. I’ve been to that Macy’s Bridal in Tysons for a friend and I was totally overwhelmed.

    The dress is what I worry about most. Because I DON’T WEAR WHITE. Not only because I am magnet for stains, but because while I’m way more okay with my body in the last year, white just is not flattering on me. But I don’t want to be the bride in the peacock teal dress either b/c it’s not very bride-y.

    But anyway, we’re talking about you. I love the wedding blog stuff! Yay!

  2. allezoop

    Such a tease. Also love this stuff.

  3. Dagny Taggart

    So glad you found something, even if it wasn’t any of the options you’d seriously considered up to that point. Sometimes truly objective help (like a salesperson) is the way to go, because friends/future spouse/family are all emotionally invested in the day, and might potentially project their dreams onto your dress.

    Now you just need shoes…

  4. Cyndy

    You’ll show us the dress afterwards, right? Glad you found one!

  5. Amy

    I LOVE CB’s dress and her pale, ghost-y, sans-makeup styling at her wedding. I too have dreamed of that dress and how I would have to starve myself for a year to get into it. But by that time, I figure, the dude would have flown the coop from my sheer bitchiness!

    Congrats on finding the dress! I know what a trauma that can be!

  6. Velvet

    Carrie M – When I walked in to Macy’s Bridal, this lady said, “Can I help you?” I said, “Whoa. This is a lot of white.” The truth is, there are very few dresses there for a minimalist like me. Everything has lace and beading and long trains, but there was one gem on the rack. Lucky for me.

    Allezoop – I don’t mean to tease! I just didn’t want X to see!

    Dagny – I loved the salespeople. They were just so great, and of course I entertained them with my schtick and they said I was the most relaxed of the brides they have seen. This girl came in with her mom and she said she was finalizing her dress for an OCTOBER wedding, and that she started last September doing this. I had to laugh. I said, “Oh honey, that’s not how I do things…”

    Cyndy – I’ll show it to you now! Check your email.

    Amy – That dress spawned a whole new trend in the minimalist style. I’ll never forget it, but yeah, I could never pull it off. Even the perfect bodied woman have a hard time. You need the kind of stomach that is concave, where your two hip bones make the entrance first. Ugh, that doesn’t work for me.

  7. tacoma!

    You Connecticut women with your knowledge of what’s tacky.
    Join the tacky darkside, include invites with registry informations and “cash preferred”, have a money dance even though it’s not your cultural tradition.
    Glad you found a dress! Fun stuff, I’m a bridesmaid this June and am submitting to strapless (and Goddamn, I don’t care how hot it is, I’m wearing spanks on this post baby belly)

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