Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Choose Your Own Adventure

Perhaps my commute is making me angry. Maybe it’s because I spent a delightful night with the devilish CrazyGirl and she got me fired up. Or maybe it’s because my last Craigslister is a flake – see post below this one. But, today’s emails have yielded this batch of fun.

AngryMan: you’re a fucking idiot {Who sends crap like this on the first try?}
Velvet: And you have a tiny penis.
AngryMan: And you are a ditch licker.
Velvet: Why so angry? Why are you cruising Craigslist firing insults at people? I bet you’re a short, fatty, with blubber hanging everywhere and you just can’t find yourself a girl. So you insult them.
AngryMan: LOL………….actually, I am a really nice guy. I am just messing around. If I offended you I am sorry. I was just having fun. I am sure you are a wonderful woman with much to offer a guy. I am about your age by the way – if that matters. Have you received a ton of responses to your ad?
Velvet: Let’s see..a ton of responses, yes. But once you net out all the people who hurl insults at me (only you) and who are dorks, there’s not a lot left.
AngryMan: Seriously, I am a nice guy, just messing with you. Have you sent your picture out to many guys?
Velvet: I’ve sent my picture to no one. I haven’t wanted to.
AngryMan: So, I assume you won’t send your pic to me. Can you at least give me a physical description to go with your sarcastic temperament? I can respond in kind if you like.
Velvet: I’m 5’5. I go to the gym every morning…although I suspect I have collected 5 extra pounds in the last few weeks. They’ll be gone by next week though, in time for our wedding. Dark hair, brown eyes. What else?
AngryMan: Sounds very nice. To which gym do you belong (poor sentence, but did not what to end it in a prep – phrase, you know?) You work out every morning. You must have decent stamina. mmmmmmm Where do you live and are you sure you can wear white down the isle?
Velvet: I live in D.C.I can wear white. I’m a virgin. If I told you what gym, you might stalk me. I can’t have you across the street, yelling out “you’re a fucking idiot” when I’m trying to start my day.
AngryMan: ahhh………..good point. I don’t live in DC. I live in NOVA. So tell me………….. Biggest turn ons and turn offs
Velvet: Biggest turn offs: men who swear at me on Craigslist. Turn ons: Someone who is insanely intelligent, tall, nice teeth. You?
AngryMan: Offs – Women who tell me I have a small penis on CL. LOL Ons – body rubs. Any more? So, any chance I can get a pic of you?
Velvet: As soon as I get one of you.
AngryMan: ahhhh………..I see. Do you think you deserve one? Please list more turn ons and offs.
Velvet: You called me a fucking idiot. I deserve way more than a picture. I deserve an apology and probably dinner. See how I worked that in there? List more…Hmm. Must think about that.
AngryMan: Ahhh…………I see the angle there. Good way to work that in on that one. So, if I send you a picture – will you send one right back? I do apologize. I assume you apologize for saying I had a small dick and was really fat?
Velvet: Ok. I’m sorry. Although it’s a funny combination. I’ll send one right back. Unless you send me a pic of George Bush.
AngryMan: Ok, here is a pic. Please send yours.
Velvet: ok
AngryMan: Yea, right,,,,,,,,,,,,please send one of you.
Velvet: I did. You didn’t get it? Should I send it again?
AngryMan: You sent me a pic of a very pretty woman sitting down wearing a bra. Is that honestly you?
Velvet: It’s my bathing suit top.I didn’t realize you could see that. Sorry. It was taken at the beach this past summer.
AngryMan: do you have any other pics you can send? Yours was very nice by the way. Did you like mine?
Velvet: Why do you want more pics? You didn’t send more pics of you. Just like a guy. You all always want 10 pics so you can decide if she’s worthy enough for you. No. I don’t like your pic. You look like a dork and I bet you have a tiny pee pee.
AngryMan: LOL…………..pee pee. I like that. Are we in high school. No, I don’t want 10 more pics…………..just one. This time, you send one and I will send one in return.
Velvet: That sounds like a stupid deal. I’m clearly hotter than you are. So why would I do that?
AngryMan didn’t write back. I am not letting this one get away. So I wrote again. In case you can’t tell, I’m going to make him pay dearly for sending me that initial “fucking idiot” email.

Velvet: Honey, was I a little too harsh? Did you leave me and go to lunch? Oh my. I hope I haven’t scared you away with my delightful personality.
AngryMan: I actually thought it was pretty funny. You are pretty, but I am a hottie.
Velvet: I doubt that you are a hottie. Big Geek are the words that come to mind. So where do you work, Big Geek? Cause I know you’re not an ER doc.
AngryMan: I work in Fairfax. I own a small company and have an interest in a real estate firm. How are we coming with the list of turn ons and offs? Where do you work? What do you do for a living?
Velvet: I work in D.C., also in real estate. I probably know you. “How are we coming with the list” – funny. Ok. Turn on: Picking up men on Craigslist; Turn off: having them swear at me. Turn on: When they apologize and can keep up with my sarcasm; Turn off: When they are a stick in the mud.(not you, of course, but mostly all these other schlubs.) Turn ons: Music, my thong undies, men who are smart. Turn offs: Traffic, you in thong undies, liars.
AngryMan: Now wait just one minute —– you put that a turn off would be me in a thong. Are you sure about that? See, I put on thongs backwards – it so looks hot! You need to see it to believe it my friend. So, you have not had a whole lot of luck with CL? Can I ask you a question and get an honest answer? Well, I will do it anyway – Why am I so privilege to get your pic? You said you have not sent your pic to anyone. So, why do I deserve such special treatment?How are we coming with the second pic there my friend?
Velvet: You can stick that second pic up your ass. You were lucky enough (as you said) to get one, don’t push your luck. The other pic I have is lame. But ok. I’ll send it. I’m good like that. I’m getting a lot of responses of men who barely speak English. I don’t even write back. You seem different. I can just tell.
AngryMan: Wait. Hold on, wait just one-second – was that almost a compliment? I mean, we may have been in the same ball park of a compliment???? I may get sick here if you are nice to me. We can’t have that. Another pic would be much appreciated. Would it make you feel more comfortable if I started to write you in poor English? I can if you like. See cuz I done be good like tht and all. J/K. So, you do real estate? Commercial or residential? BTW – my name is John
Velvet: I already know your name. Your pic wish has been granted.
AngryMan: I assume your name is Diane? Thank you for the second picture. You are a very pretty woman…………..gross, no more compliments for you today 🙂 You did not answer the real estate question. Also, why is a beautiful woman like you posting and ad on CL anyway?
Velvet: Yes. Diane. I don’t know. Why is a cute boy like yourself answering ads? Real Estate – residential.
AngryMan: I don’t know. Curious I guess. Do you live alone in DC or with room mates? Do you even know how old I am?
Velvet: As long as you aren’t answering men seeking men ads. Or, are you? I live in D.C., alone. How old are you? 24?
AngryMan: I live alone in Fairfax. I love living alone. How about you? 24?????????? Do I look 24?
Velvet: No. You look 54. But I was trying to be nice. How old are you motherfucker?
AngryMan: Motherfucker???? Now is that nice or what? I am a two years older than you. So, when are you going to call me?
Velvet: I’m not. I was hoping you would say we would just meet for a drink. Talking is overrated.
AngryMan: We can meet for a drink. However, I think we should talk first.
Velvet: Why? Be spontaneous.
AngryMan: Oh I can be spontaneous. That is not an issue. However, I want to talk to you first.
Velvet: Fine. What’s your number?

He sent me his number. Let’s turn this post into a choose your own adventure. Either I’ll call him and use *67 to block my number, or, one of you lovely readers will get the number emailed to you and you’ll be able to call. Who wants to play? Come on! Don’t make me take him down alone. This could be an interactive blog. Think of the possibilities.

It seems someone is hot in the pants. He sent his number. Then more emails.
AngryMan: Are you going to call or what?
Velvet: I’m at work dear. I can’t say the things I want to say to you when people are nearby
AngryMan: we won’t talk about anything bad or sexy. Just call so I can hear your voice. Chicken???
AngryMan: ummmmmm……was today just a game?
Velvet: I can’t call you. I have a dozen people around me. Honey, you are going to have to hold your horses. I’m worth the wait. Trust me.
AngryMan: I have an idea. Give me your cell phone number and I can call you. Let it go to voice mail – don’t answer it. I just want to make sure to hear your voice before we go any further.
Velvet: What’s your hurry hon? I don’t have a recording on my voicemail. I have Verizon ringback, so all you hear is music, then a beep. I have it on Jukebox, so it’s a crapshoot what song you will hear.
AngryMan: you are in real estate and you don’t have a very specific announcement? I find that hard to believe. Is this just for your amusement?
Velvet: I wouldn’t call from my work cell, nor would I give that number out. You are very tightly wound.

Come on people! I’m dying on the vine over here! Someone step up. And look how eager beaver he is right now. Guarandamnteed that if we went out tonight, he wouldn’t be emailing as much tomorrow, and it would screech to a halt.

1 Comment

  1. Velvet

    AlieMalie said…
    Found your blog via Dating-Is-Hell and I have to say I’m hooked. Good luck with this guy – he seems like he would be entertaining for a little while – if only for selfish purposes.


    1/25/2006 04:30:22 PM

    Pretty in Pink said…
    Please tell me you let someone else call him. HA!

    1/25/2006 04:45:53 PM

    Velvet said…
    Someone has to step up! Are you game? All you need to know is that your fake name is “Diane.” Everything else is here for the reading.

    1/25/2006 04:53:10 PM

    El Guapo in DC said…
    Por favor, please, please, please send me his e-mail. I want to taunt him. Por favor. I promise to make it interesting and involve guacomole.

    Mucho Amor,

    El Guapo

    1/25/2006 04:59:51 PM

    Jamy said…
    Oh no, I don’t think so! But I am available for spying/rescuing if necessary.

    1/25/2006 05:08:23 PM

    Velvet said…
    Okay el guapo, but you can never reveal this blog address.

    1/25/2006 05:09:29 PM

    Washington Cube said…
    This was hysterically funny. I can’t wait to hear the outcome. As for that “chasing” issue. I put that in initally on an earlier blog comment because it seems true, to me, 8 out of 10 times. Does it mean I never make the effort? No. What is does mean is that experience has shown me that close to 100% of men that I know will say they love women making the moves, calling, chasing them, etc. BUT…huge but…in reality…they don’t like it. I don’t want to get into all of the cultural reasons why, they just don’t and even if they are conscious of this or not, it affects their behavior. You can see that while men don’t like hearing this, a lot of women agree. Again. This is not a hard and set belief of mine, but I have often found it to be true. And for the record, I hate games, but what are you going to do? You play the game. You get played. Who knows. Each attempt is a new one. Right now, Velvet has one on the hook, snapping away at the bait. Let’s see what happens.

    1/25/2006 05:25:29 PM

    Kristin said…
    I vote for *67 ’cause I know I could never live up to the sarcastic wit that you exude.

    1/25/2006 06:01:47 PM

    Barbara said…
    So what happened to NJ? Is he still in the running?

    1/25/2006 06:03:11 PM

    Anonymous said…
    You try way too hard.

    1/25/2006 06:17:09 PM

    Siryn said…
    *67. I am too nice to thoroughly humiliate him the way he needs to be.

    1/25/2006 06:19:32 PM

    playfulindc said…
    So funny! Ok, can you imagine if he were this intense all the time? If you like that, I will definately hook you up with the guy I dated before I left: the Historian.

    Get out the whip.

    1/25/2006 07:52:04 PM

    El Guapo in DC said…
    I promise to not divulge this blog address. E-mail me directly and we will discuss. I will have to open a fake e-mail address for this.

    It looks as if my anonymous blogger has found your blog as well. He is so pretty, no?

    Mucho Amor,

    El Guapo

    1/25/2006 08:53:45 PM

    Velvet said…
    Anon – it’s a fucking joke. If you’re going to be insulting, at least have the balls to sign your name.

    El Guapo – emailing you now.

    1/25/2006 09:00:37 PM

    Thomas said…
    I’ll call him 😉 My voice is kind of deep, but I could pretend to have a cold… Hahahahaha.

    1/25/2006 11:26:26 PM

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