Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Only You Can Save Me Now, From This Misery

Apparently I enjoy the torture dispensed by the folks at Craigslist. Check this out:

  • Read your ad on net and can’t belive that I could find some one as kool as u in my life time. well what can i say today is my day …. hey could u plz hang for a sec ……………………………………… ok! I am back .. sorry had to take this phone call. ok so what i was talking about … god .. i think i need memory upgrade ….. ok ok remember now …. ur search is over, cuz iu have found me … i am looking 4 same … yeah i know u might have heard it alot from prety much all the guys but this time its real .most of the guys who say that are big drama creaters themselves .. no no no NOT me. well i found a very u upfront, straight, bold, honest and interesting person .. well not as interesting as i am but still interesting enough ..ok ok calmn down i am just kidding …..:) i have many good things to tell about me so not sure where to start .. how about this .. let me give u brief intro and if u found urself interested reply and we will go from there .. i am 32, single, drama free guy .. i am well educated, down to earth (was just kidding up there … happen to have bad sence of humor), easy going person.
    keep ambulance ready cuz i am sending u my pic. just incase u need medical assistance after seeing me .. no no not cuz i am ugly just cuz i am tooo cute …ahhahahah … cum on i just said i am down to earth … ok no jokes now … i am down 2 earth person and easy to get alone … just joke around .. hope u understand .. ok ok i know email is getting too long, so b4 u delete it even reading any further i let u go and will wait for ur reply

The rocket scientist never did attach that picture. I wrote back and simply said: “Are you SURE you’re well educated? I can’t make any sense of your email. Everything is spelled wrong, I can’t figure any of this out.” And I got this:

  • thx for ur response … i am wondering if u r educated? yeah my spellings are messed up and run spell check is not my style … however u couldn’t make any sence out of it .. hummmmmm … wel that makes me wonder about ur credentials ….:) wel dear i am B.S in electrical and computer engineering and masters in information system … professional i work as an engineer for telecom company … may be my writting style is bit confusing to u … but thats what i am .. if u r still interested drop me a line …

Seriously. I was wondering how bad it has to get before it gets better. Shit. Spoke too soon.

  • I am responding to your ad. I would like to meet up with you if it possible. I live and work in the Woodbridge area. I have a foot fetish. I am 5-10 tall and dark brown skin and 30 years old. Let me know if you interested

And the Velvet responds with: “You’re in luck. I happen to have not one, but two feet!” He hasn’t responded. Oh well.


Here’s what I posted.

I’ve met you all. First there was “Mr. I don’t care that you are pushing me away, I’ll stick my tongue further into your mouth, and grope you.” Then I met “Mr. I will send you massive amounts of text messages at all hours of the day and night.” Then I met “Mr. I’m going to disappear for a while, but when I come back, I’m going to unravel and go crazy on you.” Then I met “Mr. I think this could really go somewhere but oops, I’ve changed my mind.” What is it with Craigslist? Is there anyone normal out there? Should I give up? Should I bag this whole idea and become a nun?

Is there no one out there in their 30’s who has the combination of integrity and decent looks? I’m not looking for Brad Pitt, I’m looking for someone, normal. Just normal. Calls when he says he will. Opens doors for me. Went to college. Eh, screw it. Maybe you’re not there.


  1. A Unique Alias

    Guy #1: What you get when you outsource your boyfriends.

    Guy #2: What you get when you don’t.

  2. Siryn

    Holy F!

    You sure seem to get the cream of the crap, Velvet. Hot damn.

    The first one sounds like a hyper 6th grader off his Ritalin, and the second one… well, at least he was honest up front.

  3. I-66


    Hoodbridge in tha hizzy, baby!

  4. Siryn

    Make that a 6th grader that got left back for failing reading. eesh.

  5. DC Cookie

    This almost makes me want to put a fake ad onto Craigslist just to see what I get in return.

    Maybe I can find some well ejukated people with good sence of humer for my friends.

  6. Kristin

    Writting style? Writting style?! Come on. Maybe “run spell check” should be ur WRITING style.

  7. HomeI'mprovementNinja

    What are you saying in these ads? “I heart freakshows”?

    wel [sic] dear i am [sic] B.S in electrical and computer engineering and master[‘]s in [Management] information system[s] … professional i work as an engineer for [a] telecom company … may[]be my writting [sic] style is [a]bit confusing to u … but thats what i am [ed note: is he saying that he is confusing?]

    I wonder what kind of college would give a degree (or several of them) to someone who can’t spell the degree that he has earned from your fine institution?

    You should meet this guy for a date and take some pics for the blog. The anecdotal value is priceless.

    If this guy doesn’t show up with an open shirt, hairy chest and gold chains, I’ll pay for the meal.

  8. I-66

    I do like a girl with a good sence of humer.

  9. Crazy Girl City

    cum on i just said i am down to earth

    He said cum!!!!!! Hahahaha. Yeah he just wants to hook up. Fruedian slip there.

  10. Velvet

    Updated post with my ad.

  11. Siryn

    Wow, so in response to that you got ADD-afflicted left back 6th grader with EE degree and a foot fetishist. So much for normal.

    I think it’s time to go offline.

  12. jade

    well, if it makes you feel better – these are apparently the responses one gets from the guys who send form letters to every ad on there. can we tell i read CL rants and raves a lot, lol.

    however, responder #1 went above and beyond with his reply to your reply. he deserves some sort of award.

  13. whiskypants

    And still no photo??? We NEED a photo.

  14. Elvis

    Velvet, while this is certainly entertaining in a sad way, please don’t make a grown man cry, if in fact all of this is true. It’s quite tragic. The CL certainly doesn’t seem to be helping. Don’t become a nun. Become an intern on the Hill instead. Alright, that wasn’t helpful either. I’d say make alot of friends, and they’ll introduce you to their friends, and pretty soon, you’ll have all these options. Like if we were hanging-out friends, I would’ve introduced you to “Gecko” (from character on Wall Street). Gecko is Ivy league educated, varsity football wideout (yah yah, it’s Ivy League football), can actually write, Irish-English Catholic, dirty blondish, 6’3″, awesome guy, calls when he says he will, gets my humor, and one of the best friends anybody could have. But we’re not hanging-out friends, so I guess you’re back to CL, sorry. Yah, that’s not helpful either.

  15. Kayla

    “wel dear i am B.S”

    I couldn’t have said it better.
    (or mabee i culdent halve sayed it beter.)

  16. Siryn

    no slip there, cgc…

  17. NotCarrie

    It almost leaves me speechless. Wow!

  18. trueborn

    There are good men out there. Do not despair. I mean there are always more men to check out right?

  19. MappyB

    Oh girl. That is so sad, funny, and sad. What on Earth? I suggest you step away from the Craig’s List….slowly….slowly…


    There should be a CL 12 Step Program!

  20. Jessie

    Dude, I nearly spat my wine out when I read the message from the guy claiming to be well educated.

    Being an engineer is no excuse for…well…not being able to spell/write/read et. al.

  21. Larissa

    eek. i’ve been thinking about Craiglisting, but this makes me wonder…I know one person who it worked out for, but it does seem like there are a lot of freaks out there.

  22. always write

    That tears it, I’m starting a nunnery for all the frustrated daters out there who feel like they’re making the same mistakes and meeting the same duds over and over again. The holy order of St. Blogington is open for business: “We don’t wear habits, we break them.” Think it over, ladies. When you’re ready to join Sister Velvet and I will be here waiting with open arms.

  23. FlameOn

    Really, all I can think to respond with is ‘wow’.

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