Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Time So Slowly Turns And Someone There is Sighing

People. I love you. I know that you come here for dating, good, bad and otherwise. And yet, I have entertained you from atop this soapbox, bitching about D.C. and my favorite topic, the cops. Wonkette got me again, thanks to them for the linkage. But, tonight, you shall get what the original Velvet was created for – dating. I am here to entertain.

All right. Sunday, I had Date 11 of the 14 date obligation with, shall we just call them IJL? I mean, that’s what they call themselves. The details of the date, set up by whatever I named that chick – Cathy I think, were fine. She sounded like she knew what she was doing. I met Date11TheBoroughsBaby at Daily Grill at 1:00. Anyone who knows me knows this is prime skin cancer hour and I do not like giving that up for what might be a shitty date. And we know that it’s not like IJL is going to suddenly discover an arsenal of good looking men who they forgot to set me up with before. But, being that it was my first one “back out there,” I decided I should behave and not cancel.

I saw him walking up to the restaurant and my first impression wasn’t the greatest, but I shall shine the light on myself for a second. I was wearing a sundress, flip flops, and my bathing suit underneath the dress. I was too lazy to change. Or shower. So I smelled like Eau de White Trash in line for the roller coaster at an Amusement Park – Coppertone SPF 8! (Never go lower than SPF 8 or God Forbid, not wear any sunscreen, okay! Trust me, I’m a pro.)

They seat me first, and as I’m going to the bathroom to wipe the sweat off my face, here he comes, with the other hostess. We said a quick awkward hello and I trotted off to the sink to swim in the cold water for a minute. When I returned to the table, he stood up to greet me. Um. What the fuck. None of these guys have done that. Okay, so he’s a gentleman. Nice. Points for that even though that act of standing up when I come back makes me feel like an idiot.

Not a lot of details to share. He’s from NY, hence the name. We ate. He paid the bill despite my best efforts to throw money at him, and we exchanged information. He was comfortable with himself, and I could go out with him again. Can I see myself ripping off his clothes? Jury still out. And if the jury is still out, um, that could be a sign in itself. Next.

Date 12 was Tuesday evening in Bethesda. I get to the restaurant and I’m late because I stopped at Loehmann’s. Stupid Velvet. Remember the layoffs! But at least I didn’t buy anything. (When did clothes become ugly? Hang in there Seven Jeans, I need to squeeze another year out of you…) The hostess brings me over to Date 12. Instantly not attracted. Not my type, no negotiation on this. But a really nice guy. Just talks a lot. Way too much in fact. Let’s knight him and give him his name: Date 12 Sir Talks A Lot. There.

He grew up in Bethlehem, PA, also the hometown of Velvet’s Dad, and I do know a bit of Bethlehem history. Yet, any time I discuss Bethlehem with people, and describe where my grandparents lived, I get that face. Apparently, it’s the wrong side of the tracks, literally. I had a boyfriend in college who was from Bethlehem and he said, “Oh, NO ONE GOES OVER THERE!!” This guy tonight? He said, “I don’t know where that is. I’m guessing South Side though from what you described. A lot of immigrants lived and still live up there.” Yeah, what do I look like with this fucking FLAG OF GREECE spread across half my back? But I digress.

I learned all I needed to know about Beth Steel. (Note to eyes: If you fucking glaze over again when I need you to feign interest, you are dead to me. I will bring you back for more laser surgery since you loved it so much the last time…remember? You sealed yourself shut for two fucking days and refused to come out! Try me.)

Suddenly in my head, I’m whisked away to New York and I’m having sex with James Gandolfini. I have no idea where this daydream came from, but I was trying to wager what sex with him would be like. Would it be Tony Soprano “I’m in control/holding a gun to your head” kind of sex, or would it be a big joke of an experience with a semi flaccid penis that barely registers on the scale? Oops. I realize I have now missed several crucial minutes of the Bethlehem Steel story. Damn. I hope he didn’t cover the part about how they closed because my Grandparents had died by then and I never followed the story. According to my date, the Hispanics have taken over my grandparent’s neighborhood. And now, Papou and Yiyia are rolling over in their graves.

I wanted to tell my favorite story about my dad and growing up in Bethlehem, but his stories kept going. I also learned more than I needed to know about some company called Green Thumb something and ugh, I can’t even get into it. It sounded like a weird job. I was speechless. Of course the one line I’m always dying to use came to mind: “Did I tell you about my latest yeast infection?”

The bill comes, we pay, we leave. He walks me to my car, talking now about not liking the dressing up for his job. He laments how he hates ties. I say, “I wonder what the purpose of ties really is.” He says, “I know the whole history of the tie.” Sometimes, I will never learn. Seriously. Stupid mouth. You’re next after the eyes for some surgery, and I’ll have you lasered shut if possible too.

Verdict? Obviously there was no way I wanted to rip his clothes off. In fact, I wanted him to put more clothes on. Please, more ties. Several of them. Really, the look great on you. Nice as you are, I just can’t imagine you with nothing on.

Two to go. Then, I’m lubed up and ready to go out on real dates. Oops. Poor choice of words. Lubed. Heh. Eh, fuck it. Just…hit…publish.


  1. Washington Cube


  2. cosmic shambles

    Standing up as your date approaches the table gets a guy points? Damn you are easily impressed!

  3. homeimprovementninja

    Damn! I know the origin of neckties too (cloth tied around croatian soldiers necks to protect them from sword slashes). Does this make me a dork? Ummm, Or does this make me more of a dork?

  4. freckledk

    I’m thinking it would be hysterical if you were to meet the love of your life on an IJL date. I hope you’ll give Date 11 another shot, if only for my reading pleasure.

  5. Velvet

    Cosmic Shambles – It comes from years of low expectations and disappointments.

    Ninja – Yes, it makes you a dork, but that’s not the story he told me. Something about keeping people warm, eh, I don’t know.

    Freckled – I’d rather meet the love of my life at some Harley rally.

  6. doubleonegative

    Two more of these dates? You, my friend, are a trooper. At the very least, these experiences are great for storytelling.

  7. Sweet

    Sex dreams about James Gandolfini during a date? Yikes! Next!

  8. prncess674

    Great post! I too am swimming in the DC dating pool, and let’s just say it ain’t so grand. I think someone pee’d in the pool.

  9. Chuckles

    I have got to remember to talk less than I think is needed. That Bethelehem dude though, that sounds awful. My brother does the same thing to us. He wonders why he only ever has first dates, too.

  10. Old Lady

    James Gandolfini can be quite charming! Good luck girl!

  11. Tyler

    I can’t believe that guys don’t stand up when you approach the table. Do they not pull out your chair for you also? # 11 sounds like he could be worth a second date, and if you still aren’t feeling anything, then move on.

    As for 12, that just doesn’t sound like a good date at all…

  12. raincouver

    Velvet – no wonder wonkette linked you. This was excellent story telling! I feel like I just ate a double big extra with supersized fries.

    Definitely give Bachelor #11 (boroughs) a second chance. A couple of tequilazos and he’ll be no gentleman.

    As for your knight in not-so shiny armour, set him up with someone you hate. Anytime your date turns into a vagisil commercial, it’s not a good sign.

  13. playfulindc

    Although, I import my goods to NC, I have witnessed some prime material for potential fodder near my new digs. Do come for a visit!

  14. Velvet

    Double O – I don’t enjoy it so much when it’s happening, but I do love the story after it is over.

    Sweet – Yeah, I’m not so sure what that was about.

    Prncess674 – Yeah, it’s a pain in the ass. I just do it for fun now, I’m not even really trying anymore.

    Chuckles – I know, and IJL called to find out what I thought of him. I didn’t know how to tell them, but I did. I said, “He talks too much.”

    Old Lady – In my fantasy he was.

    Tyler – No. What? You men actually do that? Not that I care, but it just strikes me as a little…odd? Nice but odd.

    Rain – Wonkette linked the cop thing from yesterday. Ok on #11 but he has to contact me first. I ain’t calling. That’s just not my thing. But #12 didn’t turn into a vagisil commercial, that’s what I was saying I should have said, to break the monotony.

    Playful – Woooooo hoooooo! REALLY?????

  15. KassyK

    Oh darling you are a trooper for sitting through these dates without discussing the Gandolfini dream or yeast infections just for shock value. The first guy does sound like a sweetie so that is good no?

    Lubed. Yes you sure are sweetie. Love the retell. 🙂

  16. johnny

    they should be called, Its Just Loooosahs.


  17. Tyler

    I think it’s a polite thing to do and I always do it when I take a girl out to dinner. I don’t see anything odd about it at all.

  18. Marci

    I swear this recap is why I am glad I don’t date a lot. Sure I cry and complain about it, but if I sat through this kind of stuff I think I would cry and complain A LOT harder. You are a trooper 🙂

  19. cosmic shambles

    V said: “I dont enjoy it so much when its happening, but I do love the story after it is over.”

    I agree. Sometimes I go on dates just so I can give my married friends a good story. Um, maybe I should blog some of this stuff?

  20. popcultured

    such a good blog…the details r delicious…

    date 11 sounded terrible as far as i can judge…u r too colorful for a guy that supplies no details for ur blog…and the clothes dont need to come off immediately??…next…we as men know right away whether it would take no drinks or 3…

    date 12 actually sounded more interesting as little as he responded to u (by interesting i mean more of a case study)…f him too obviously as he paid no attention to what u need even in a simple dinner conversation…

    its amazing to me that these guys have somehow landed a date w/ u but cant parlay it into anything better…isnt getting the actual date the hard part??…makes no sense…cant wait to hear about the 2 remaining, tho i dont understand the whole 14 step program…regardless, a great read…

  21. Siryn

    I’d give #11 a second try. I know you’re not ready to jump his bones but that might be a good thing – all the others have been crazy or f’d up in some way. Give #11 another shot unless he was so nondescript that we need to check for his pulse.

  22. Velvet

    KK – Just once, I promise. I’ll bust out with the yeast infection line. Just for you.

    Tyler – You are a gentleman then. But a lot of men are not.

    Marci – But it’s soooo fun! Okay, it’s not.

    Cosmic – um. How about you just blog? I’m dyin over here! I need an update!

    PopCultured – Okay. You’re new here, so I have to get you up to speed. My brother and sister in law got me into this ridiculous dating service called, “It’s Just Lunch.” You’ve probably seen the happy ads pasted everywhere. Yeah. They suck ass. On my sidebar there’s an “It’s Just Lunch recap” which can put you up to speed. I’ve had some realllllly bad dates. Anyway, they do 14 dates in a year. Only they stopped calling in Feb after we had a big fight. The fight was me boiling over from their incompetence. Think: setting me up with losers, sending me to the wrong restaurants, dates not showing up. A mess. The whole thing has been nothing short of a nightmare.

    Siryn – I would go out with him again, but he has to contact me. I ain’t doing it. Sorry. If they are into you, they call.

  23. Reddudette

    James Gandolfini! Ewwwwww

    These are prime examples why I have backed off of dating especially through any services.

    It’s too scary out there. I’m just trying to get friends to set me up.

  24. Bug

    (Never go lower than SPF 8 or God Forbid, not wear any sunscreen, okay! Trust me, I’m a pro.)
    Was that for me? 🙂
    Love ya!
    Bug Redfoot.

  25. Tyler

    That’s just the way that I was raised. And I certainly know that I am a rare breed… I hear it all the time from girls that I have gone out with or just responses to stories that I have told to others.

  26. Mel

    Yah… I dunno. Even if I was on the worst date from hell, I don’t think I would daydream about sex with Tony Soprano. I can think of a few other men who would come to mind before Tony.

    But I’m enjoying the dating side of things again. It’s pure comedy gold.

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