All right. I can’t sit silent anymore. Here’s what I originally posted this morning. The first five comments are from the original post. Anything after that is new. After the asterisks is the new stuff.
Here’s a phone call I made today.
IJL: Thanks for Calling It’s Just Lunch.
Me: Hi, this is Velvet. I, um, need to cancel my date with what’s his name next week.
IJL: Oh, with number 13?
Me: Yes, that’s him.
IJL: Awwww. I’m sorry. Why?
Me: Well, I guess I’m no longer dating.
IJL: Okay, so that’s good news!
Me: Yeah. It’s really good news.
IJL: Great. Well, we’ll put your membership on hold, and just give us a call back if you want to be rematched again.
There’s a phone number I hope to never dial again.
I’ll explain. You all know I ate dinner with Sherlock Wednesday. Thursday I was packing to head out of town for the weekend. He and I briefly discussed seeing eachother for a bit. He was out with friends and I was running around like a crazy person taking my bedding to the dry cleaner (thanks Thora for vomiting all over my down comforter) packing, squeezing in the gym, getting hijacked by damn Gay Friend M for some stupid crap (I hate you) and well, there you go. By the time Sherlock and I connected, it was around 10:30. And, um, I let him come over.
He met Sammy and Thora.
He came into my house.
I broke my rules.
Then we left and went over to his place, where I stayed for approximately three hours. Most of those three hours I spent suspiciously, but blissfully, unclothed. When I got home, I realized that yes, I had somehow taken the turn with the tide, and I was happy. But my realistic side said it was good that I was leaving town, because getting out of town is the best way for me to realize how I feel about him. And Friday morning when I woke up, I thought, “Huh. I won’t miss him.”
How wrong I was. We spent the entire weekend in text message foreplay and had a few conversations on the phone. He told me Saturday night he was going out with friends. But it turns out he had a date, which he confessed after the fact. No biggie, I just don’t like being lied to. I had to remind myself that just because my head caught up, didn’t mean he was back where I left him a few weeks ago. Deep breath. I thought of a few things I planned to say when I was back and I would leave it at that.
He picked me up from Union Station. We went and got the dogs, brought my stuff home, then went to his place for a few hours of the Thursday night, blissfully unclothed variety. What I planned to say, I said, calmly, knowing it was well thought out:
“Tuesday night I have a date, which I intend to keep. But I’m only going out with someone else for spite, because you lied to me about Saturday. But when I come home after that date, I promise to be done. I’ll stop.”
I know we had an awful start and a rough patch early on. But I think it set a dynamic between us that I’m quite happy with. He crossed a line early on, hell, a few lines, and I put my foot down, and that showed my resolve. But, eventually, after a little guilt set in for the way I handled things, and that little feeling of just plain old missing him, I responded to his contact. I’m glad I did.
I’m not going to stop him from reading. As I told him, it will keep me honest.
Kids? I adore this man.
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All right. So what happened?
This morning I suppose Sherlock and I were getting our dating houses in order. I took care of the above crap with It’s Just Lunch. We had a couple texts of a sweet nature, then he sent me a text telling me that he canceled a pending date and “told his fuck buddy it was done.”
Um. What? Your who?
So I called him. He first said he told me about that, then he said that he didn’t and he shouldn’t have told me via text. Um, yeah. Maybe that’s a start. So my mind is reeling thinking about how unfair it is that he’s seen EVERY SINGLE THING I’ve written, thought, person I’ve dated, since he came into my life. I think, unless I’m a big fat fucking liar, that it’s safe to say that he’s the only person I’ve slept with recently. So I find out that he hasn’t been just with me. Okay okay. Trying to breathe for a minute. This really isn’t such a big deal.
Then I ask, “When was the last time it happened?”
He says, “Once before you and once after.”
This people, this, is why I don’t get into relationships. There it is. Please don’t get me wrong, it isn’t the act and the fact that it happened. I know it happened when we weren’t talking. It’s that he kept it from me until after I agreed to stop seeing other people. ANY TIME PRIOR TO THIS MORNING would have been a better time to tell me. But, I can see how, you know, when you’re getting your dick wet, why the fuck would you bother to be like, “oh, by the way…”
So I say, “Okay, so in the interim where you and I first slept together, you spent 10 days stalking me like a fucking lunatic, calling, texting, emailing, jogging by my house, sending flowers, reading the blog, and somehow you find time to fuck someone else?”
He said “Yeah.”
I had to get off the phone. I had to hang up before I said something that didn’t need to be said out loud. But he emailed me, attempting to explain. I don’t care that it happened, even though putting into context that it happened during the full on stalking period it strikes me as odd, I care that he waited until the absolute wrong time to tell me. I responded to his email and said:
This is typical sales guy again. Do you convince doctors to use equipment, then tell them mid-operation that “oh by the way, in the trials it killed a few people, no biggie.”
Fuck you. I’m so mad at you right now I don’t even know what to think…You deserve everything you got on the blog. And everything that’s coming. If I even bother to give you an ounce anymore.
Well, I guess I did give an ounce. I have to keep you kids informed. But look at the bright side, I have been writing this blog for 14 months. It’s hard to keep this new and fresh, right? But now, here you have it – Velvet gets into a committed relationship for 12 hours. Five of which I was asleep for! (Make your jokes, I know, I was asleep for all 12.) Really, it just doesn’t get any better.
Oh, one more thing. Fuck you Sherlock.
Here’s why I’m pissed at Sherlock: Velvet was offering to be his fuck buddy. But he didn’t want Velvet to be a fuck buddy, he had to have a stalky, creepy woo-fest and a deep, meaninful relationship. But clearly he was ok with the concept of fuck buddy; he’d heard of it before, engaged in the lifestyle choice of fuck-buddyism. So he puts Velvet though all this relationship drama she didn’t even want and then shits on his own feet.
No matter how sweetly-assed he may be, if a brother can’t stop shitting on himself, you’re gonna get some poo on you too. And you don’t want poo on you, Velvet, do you?
He should have stalked that other chick and let you be the fuck buddy. Done and done and everyone’s happy.
Except us, because we thrive on your drama. 🙂
I have yet to read comments, but by the numbers, I am gathering this caused a stir.
OK, my take, and please don’t be upset with my take because as you know, I am very much the ‘to each his/her own’ kind of gal unless you’re fucking with my life. Then all rules are off.
The way he told you was shitty. It was also shitty that it seemed as if he was holding the cards on where you guys stood. It seemed as if he was making sure Velvet was good and ready to jump in all the way before he cut his ties with f.bud. Perhaps he was, but men can be selfish and shitty like that. He wouldn’t want to cut the ties with her until he knew you were a sure thing.
To be honest? I’ve done that before, so it’s not just the men who are selfish and shitty. It’s people. I’ve dated two guys before, really wanted to be with one more than the other, but held onto the backup until I knew my fave was set to be mine. Ummm I did it with Joe actually. I held on to my backup dating/f.bud until I knew I had Joe. But then again, I’m an elite whore like that.
I guess I realize it’s a shitty thing to do ESP telling you via text. But if you do like him, and can realize that there will always be fuck ups in the beginning until you create a ground that you are both level with, then maybe you should give it a shot. But only IF you truly believe that this hasn’t impaired any future trust that will be built. If you think you can’t get past this, then be done with it, but if you can and not let it get in the way, then game on.
I hope this made sense. You know I have an alternative approach to relationships.
Wow–I cannot wait until I have DSL at home and can check blogs daily again…this is a whopper of a post and one we may need to discuss off blog. One thing I am confused of now…what is the status? Fuck off Sherlock for good or We are all good Sherlock? Sorry-I’m out of it from new job being so busy. 🙂
You made this remark.. “Tuesday night I have a date, which I intend to keep. But I’m only going out with someone else for spite, because you lied to me about Saturday. But when I come home after that date, I promise to be done. Ill stop.
… and with that promptly lost any sympathy I had for you. As I understand it, you weren’t yet in a monogamous relationship, and when things looked to be going serious he was open with you about his situation and what he was doing and changing to be with you.
But you… you used your relations with other as a form of manipulative, vindictive spite. It’s nasty to him, and sure would be mean to any poor sap you duped into a faux date that was bereft of any sincere motive.
So yeah, ducked a nightmare here. But *you* were the nightmare. Sorry to lay it out like that, but I’m assuming you’re writing this to get honest feedback, and that’s sure how i see this.
as a fellow single chick (and this is NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM ANY SORT OF MORAL JUDGEMENT) I must ask: have you considered not sleeping with someone until AFTER you have verbally and openly established what expectations are? Who is sleeping with who else, and if that’s a problem? (repeat: not a moral judgement; I’m just sayin’, if you want to know, ask before you, ya know.)
p.s. just to clarify: I am sincerely and simply suggesting that if it’s going to uber-upset you to find this shit out later, it is an option to ask first and put out later 🙂 (when your conditions are met, of course)
(2nd disclaimer: this is also NOT a blame-Velvet-for-her-pain comment. Just a thought for future prevention.)