Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I’ve Tried That Love Thing For The Last Time – Velvet Variety Hour #2

Nothing like a Velvet heartbreak to bust my hits through the roof. I broke previous records by 200 more visits, and it makes me wonder about you newbies…coming for the drama! Though I’d trade them for all of this to just go away. Anyway, I’m coping. And in the spirit of coping, I have to infuse some humor into the situation. I can rarely stay in the same emotional place for very long. Indulge me with my nonsense, and when I get any updates for you on the Sherlock/Velvet situation, I’ll let you know. For now, all’s quiet. Standby for the Velvet Variety Show.

1) I went to New York this weekend, sans dogs. Friday, Abby called me to tell me that Sammy was limping and wouldn’t put any weight on his front paw. I told her, “That fucker has done this to me countless times. He’s faking. I used to drag him to the vet all the time when I was in grad school because of the shit he’d pull. I came home one day and there were tissues all over the house and he was limping. I take him to the vet, and he’s running around the office like a loon. So I snatch him, and my much lighter wallet, and go home. Then once, he chased a squirrel into the woods behind my condo, and either he got his damn paw stuck on a thorn or the squirrel beat the shit out of him, but he screeched like an 8 year old girl. He scored three more sympathy visits to the vet before I realized he was faking each and every time. I think he falls asleep with his paw tucked under him and the paw falls asleep or something. That dog is bad.” This story is irrelevant, but keep in mind what a little devil I have. You’ll need it for item #3 below.

2) Last night I had dinner with some really important people. I say important, because we are all so busy, we had to schedule this dinner like, months in advance. Do you know how ridiculous it is to be putting on a scarf and mittens when you are writing “Dinner, sure, August 21st” in an email? Who are these important peeps? Well, we have DCOE, Law-Rah, Sharkbail (yes, that’s her new name, though she didn’t bail last night,) Asian Mistress and Stef (who beat me to a recap found here.) Anyway, our waitress was horribly slow, and when she took our drink order and failed to return after 20 minutes, we started to wonder. Wonder no more, she waved goodbye to us and walked out, with her purse. We had to hail down the manager (channeling DCOE…and by “we” I mean, Sharkie.) He said he’d be taking care of us (definition of “take care” is actually “to ignore” at Chevys in Ballston) for the rest of the night as our waitress would no longer be returning. I can’t remember the exact words, but yeah, he fired her. Damn. How bad was she to get fired at 7 p.m. during dinner?

More Dogs
3) Still laughing from a dinner that took too long but passed quickly due to great company, I seriously came home to this note from my dog walker. I am copying word for word.

What a way to start my week. First, another client told me she is moving. Then, Sammy decided to poop two feet away from a sunbather’s head in Dupont Circle. As I was apologizing to the guy, Sammy kicked it right in his face with his back feet. This chunk of turd stuck to his cheek and slid off, leaving a trail of shit down his face. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Thank God the guy turned out to be the nicest guy on the planet. He wouldn’t even take my shirt to clean the crap off. With all that commotion, Thora didn’t poop.

May I remind you all that my parents, Gloom and Doom, play favorites, and think Sammy is the king and Thora is the asshole dog? They should revise their assessment. That’s par for the course with them though. I was the black sheep growing up, alienated from the family, and now I hear, “What is wrong with your two brothers?” Last night I told my mom, “All these years, you tortured me, and look now, I’m your favorite.” HA! But I’m not done with the dogs.

4) So I walk the dogs after reading this note, and there’s some house party in my neighborhood. Sammy and Thora invite themselves to the party, while I’m standing on the sidewalk. I can hear, “Hi little doggie, where did you come from?” I’m screaming like a moron, “SAMMY! MOMMY SAID RIGHT NOW!!!” And I look up in the window and see that little fucker Sammy running up the staircase in this person’s house. The guy out front smoking was like, “It’s my house and I don’t care, so don’t worry about it.” I said, “Buddy, after what he pulled today, you might find yourself with a new pet. I just may leave him here.” Finally he came out and we went home. Pause for picture of S and T dogs swimming in Annapolis a few weeks ago!



Dupont Circle
5) My neighbor was wearing the craziest shirt to work the other day. I said, “Well, no one is going to accuse you of being a heterosexual today, are they?” He said, “That is the greatest compliment anyone could pay me.”

Conversations With My Boss
So, Gary asked me for my home address and I asked why he needed that. He said he was going to invite me to his daughter’s wedding. I said, “Gary, I don’t even know your daughter, I can’t come to her wedding!”
Velvet: People and their wedding bullshit are just so weird.
Boss: I know, I don’t want to go to her wedding. I’d go to yours though.
Velvet: That’s not nice!
Boss: What do you mean?
Velvet: You know I’m too practical to have a stupid expensive wedding and that I’d just send everyone to Vegas with a roll of quarters and directions to an All-you-can-eat-buffet. And you’re also making a joke that I’ll never get married at the rate I’m going.
Boss: HA! You’re right. You know, I think I’m going to buy you a wedding gift, even though you’re not getting married. His and hers wine glasses.
Velvet: Ooh, I’m going to make a registry even though I’m not getting married. Think anyone will buy anything from it?

More Conversations with My Boss
Boss: So, I have a great story for you. You can put it on your blog.
Velvet: Do tell.
Boss: You know I went to New York this weekend. And I went down to the bar in my hotel one night and had a few drinks and talked to the bartender. This girl comes in, and she’s like 6 feet tall and she sits right next to me.
Velvet: Wait, where were the kids?
Boss: Upstairs with Sara.
Velvet: Wait. What? You brought your soon to be ex-wife to New York with you so she could be a nanny to the kids while you went to the bars?
Boss: Yeah. So?
Velvet: You’re my idol. I really have no idea how you have gotten this pending divorce to work out so well for you. Okay, keep going.
Boss: So the girls sits, and she starts telling me she has a problem. I tell her to tell me because my job is fixing problems. She says that she tried to be a porn star in L.A. and the told her she was too tall for what they needed, but they had a contact in New York that would work with her. So here she is in New York, and she doesn’t know anyone. She meets with the guy and he tells her she’ll get $2000 for three days of shooting. But, if she agrees to do only anal, she’ll get $2800 and she doesn’t know what she should do.
Velvet: It’s truly unbelievable that I’m the one who watches all this porn and yet, you get the porn stars sitting next to you in bars. What the hell?
Boss: So I say to her, ‘Okay, you wanted my advice, if you were my daughter this is what I would tell you. One day, you will meet someone and you will have this conversation about getting serious and you’ll have to admit that one day once, you did this movie, and you will have to hope he’s okay with it.’ So she sits there and thinks about it, then as she’s leaving, this slimey guy in his 60’s comes in and puts his arm around her, and she introduces me. They are getting ready to leave and she says “Thank you, you really helped me out. I know what I’m going to do now. I’m going to save my pussy for my boyfriend and do the anal.”

Seriously, only my boss. Unbelievable.

My New Blog Crush
People. Please. How much more of this do we have to take? Brought to you by my new blog crush.


  1. Marci

    You SHOULD do a registry. I did one on Crate & Barrel (among others, please don’t judge me) just so I could keep track of the shit that I wanted (you know so I could go back when I had money–really!). Annnyway. Some doofuses confused me with some other Marci and sent me a set of wine glasses. I (kinda) tried giving them back to C&B, to no avail. Score! Free goblets! It’s really that easy.

  2. Barbara

    I just love you and those dogs of yours. I am sitting here crying tears of laughter after reading this smorgasbord post — something for every taste! It amazes me that you can bounce back from a serious emotional saga and be so gut-busting funny the next day. How do you do it?

  3. Bill

    So between 1 and 4 Sammy’s paw was “magically cured” to allow him to run up stairs at the party. Yeah, he’s got your number.

    Are you sure your boss doesn’t make this shit up? Really? He took his wife along as a nanny? He must have something extra special!

    Do the registry! Of course people will send you stuff. Everybody loves you, Velvet. Sometimes a little too much. Except for the DC cops I guess. 7-11 probably doesn’t have a registry.

  4. freckledk

    I thought I was your new blog crush.

    It’s okay…we can talk about it when I jog by your house later.

    (and funny post. love the pups. glad you are in good spirits. you’re such a tough broad.)

  5. Washington Cube

    I am totally loving the dogs and Sammy in particular. He knows how to play you. The photographs are wonderful.

  6. Siryn

    Sammy just wuvs his mommy. Except when he wants to ditch her for a party. That sure is one hell of a dog. Hm, maybe he was trying to hook you up with shitface? Hee hee.

  7. Velvet

    Marci – Um. Okay. I’m going to register at and mojogarden. Oh, and can someone grab me some batteries? Great. Thanks.

    Barbara – Shh. It’s because I have no heart. I’m like the Grinch, hence my fascination with him.

    Bill – His wife wants to get back together, and she thinks they should still do stuff as a family. She fell asleep and he went downstairs to the bar. Marrieds. Such a fascinating life they lead.

    FreckledK – My blog crush should at least be a guy, right?

    Cube – Sammy is really bad. I’m really surprised he’s been acting out lately.

    Siryn – Laying in Dupont Circle = Gay. Even Sammy has gaydar you know.

  8. Scarlet

    I think I love your boss.

  9. Bill

    OK, now the thing with your boss and his wife seems normal, sort of. Thanks for the explanation. Though the original interpretation would be better for the party convos. What size batteries?

  10. Old Lady

    My dog Paco does the pathetic limp thingie too. He did twist his leg once, chasing a squirrel, took him to the vet, babied him, so now anytime he wants attention he holds the paw up.(after a couple of more vet trips like you took)

  11. cosmic shambles

    Maybe this is a new way for you to screen guys… Have Sammy poop on them and if they laugh it off, you have a keeper!

    Your boss is my new hero.

  12. circumlocutor

    You deserve nicer, more expensive gifts than just glasses. If the registry doesn’t work out, we can always plan a fake wedding for the gifts.

  13. Velvet

    Scarlet – He’s about to be single. Want me to put in the good word for you?

    Bill – Double A’s please.

    Old Lady – I swear dogs are smarter than humans.

    Cosmic – I know, it would suck if I got laid off.

    Circumlocutor – Aww. Thanks. Besides, my glass collection has come straight from all the local bars. And free! (Well, after you down the beer and put the glass in your purse.)

  14. Needtsza

    Your boss is f’n awesome! that’s too funny. I’ll have to come back and read the rest as I only remember that part of it. (hm. Imagine that, a guy only remembering the porn part)

  15. La Whisky

    I’m going to be laughing about #3 for the rest of the week. Also, I hear Foreigner is coming to town…

  16. Luck O' the Irish

    So were you at Quiet Waters in Annapolis? I have the most bee-yoo-tee-ful golden retriever. He has huge paws (but thankfully, no fake drama from him…my other one takes the cake!), and this dog does NOT like the water. Or puddles. What kind of golden hates the water, I ask you?

  17. Tacoma

    Dog pictures, now that’s what I’m talking about. Are the tempratures going down? Maybe Sammy’s feeling his oats.

  18. Ryane

    Velvet…what a great post. I think I am in agreeance w/Scarlet: I loe your boss. haha

    And your dogs. =-)

    oh yeah, and the link to Circumlocator. Only in DC, folks…only in DC. I didn’t catch that story, but why am I not surprised???

  19. Asian Mistress

    The porn star story was…wow.

  20. bejeweled

    I could pick a bunch of your topics to comment on, but this is what I focused on. I have a t-shrit that says “prince charming is overrated”. I love it!

  21. CrazyGirl

    Aww Sammy and Thora! I wish we could get our dogs all together. I’d be afraid Jake would take off. He’s a very curious dog like that. A badass I suppose.

  22. Serena

    Love all the random thoughts in this post. Haha.

  23. Living in Dupont

    The comedy relief was certainly needed – thank you!

    (by the way, I think your boss is possibly the closest thing to “The Man” ever)

  24. mysterygirl!

    I think I’m in love with Sammy. (Which dog is which? They are both so cute)

    And thank you for sharing the porn story. That’s too awesome to be kept quiet.

  25. Tacoma

    I love the expressions on Sammy and Thora’s faces, very resolute and serious. Ready to fetch some balls.

  26. Drunken Chud

    i love your dogs, and your boss. yet, somehow i find myself wanting a 6 foot tall pronstarlet.

  27. AlieMalie

    Ok, so I wasn’t going to leave a comment, was just going to lurk like I normally do but I saw Tacoma say this: “I love the expressions on Sammy and Thoras faces, very resolute and serious. Ready to fetch some balls.” and I thought to myself, I think Sammy and Thora need to fetch Sherlock’s balls. That is if he has any.


  28. amy

    Oh my God! Sammy is hilarious. I have a big, black cat named Sammy, but she’s kind of boring. I guess I should be grateful that she’s not kicking shit on sunbathing strangers. She did puke on my face once, while I was sleeping.

  29. Penny

    Ha ha! I’ve thought of non-wedding registeries for some time now, only my ideas were more along the lines of Finally Dumped the Motherfucker and Moved Out registry, and I Just Got Accepted to Prestigious, Money-sucking College/Grad school/Med school/Law school registry…oh, and are you sure your boss isn’t telling you an elaborate joke?

  30. Chris

    what do you expect when you patronage “Chevy’s” in the abortion that is Ballston. Ballston is everything that is wrong with contemporary America. No soul, and zero personality. Is Chevy’s in the sweet mall? NOVA/DC sucks.

  31. Namaste

    hey girl! she’s back!

  32. Stef

    Oh my God, the dog stories had me cracking up already — but then when Siryn said “shitface” in her comment I lost it! Ah, our little furry friends provide so much amusement, and keep us from taking life too seriously… what would we do without them?

  33. KassyK

    Hilarious post. The poop…the porn star…all of it. I have to meet your boss just out of sheer curiousity about this guy. Love it. 🙂

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