Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Knocking on Death’s Door

I am sick.

I am sicker than I have been in a long time due to Food Poisoning. I feel like I am going to die. Not a good way to start off this year. Be right back. Gotta hit the bathroom.

Last night I woke up at 4 a.m. and ran to the bathroom. Ever have such a vile thing in your body that you don’t know which end it will come out first? Yeah. I sat there holding the trash can sitting on the porcelin bus, screaming for my life. Be right back, bathroom again.

So back to last night. I don’t know how, but I passed out. In the bathroom. I got hot and cold and then cold sweats, and fell and hit my head on the wall. When I woke up I could not get myself off the floor. I’m so hot. Who wouldn’t want to date me? Be right back, going to the bathroom again.

Anyway, at what point do I need to go to the ER? I am much more comfortable in my house with my own vomit and candle filled bathroom than I would be in the ER going to the bathroom in a smock. Sit tight. Going to hit the potty again.

This afternoon I vomited like the exorcist and yes, I recognized the culprit of what made me sick. Interestingly enough, it was a meal PRIOR to the last one I ate. How does that happen? Does the stomach say, “Okay, you, cheese and crackers, you are allowed by, but you butternut squash ravvies, you are staying here while we check your paperwork. Nope, sorry, you are on the do-not-fly list. Get out.” Fortunately I was awake so I didn’t choke on my own vomit a la John Bonham. Speaking of, must go vomit. Be right back.

A couple months ago, I wanted to lose like 8 lbs. so I did the ever effective South Beach Diet. I was quite happy with my weight loss. Then I had some personal traumas and lost more weight without even trying. I was at what I thought was my bottom, which was less than I wanted, but still okay. I was back to my college weight. Fine. No biggie, but all my pants keep falling off. Now with this inability to keep any food in my body, I’m unwillingly on my way to sharing a room with Nicole Richie in anorexia rehab. Fucking sucks.

Shit. Where did my boobs go? God damned it.

If anyone wants to walk Sammy and Thora (seriously) please call me.


  1. la whisky

    Wish it were contagious. It’d be a great way to kick off my diet. It is not funny when such dire illness afflicts those who don’t need to lose weight, but kind of reminds me of one of my favorite lines from The Devil Wears Prada…
    Emily: Andrea, My God! You look so chic!
    Andy Sachs: Thanks! You look so thin!
    Emily: Really? Thanks. I’m on this new diet for Paris. I don’t eat anything until I feel like I’m about to faint, then I eat a cube of cheese. I’m one stomach flu away from reaching my goal weight.

  2. VJ

    Hope you’re feeling better soon V. I guess dehydration is the most serious thing to worry about, but if it lasts for longer than about a day (8-10 waking hours) you really should get to a doc. I’m hoping that’s what you did in the end. It’s no use holding out if they’ve got some drugs that might calm the sitch down a bit. Wishing you Cheers & A Happier New Year, ‘VJ’

  3. VJ

    [More diet fun]. My dad had a sure fire diet that worked like a charm. He’d lose his teeth and not replace them too quickly. I know, sad, but very effective! Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’

  4. LPM

    Don’t let the guy with the goiter walk your pups.

  5. Hammer

    I feel your pain – got nailed with it in September and was in bad shape for over a week. Follow this link for info about the b.r.a.t. diet. Do what the site says, and by all means stay away from the foods it tell you to avoid.

  6. Washington Cube

    My doctor keeps telling me I don’t eat enough. Last week I almost told her, “Karen Carpenter is my hero,” but I didn’t think she’d laugh. I hear ya on the pants falling down thing. I was hoisting mine up yesterday after a manicure/pedicure, and my manicurist shot me a look. I said, “Do not say a thing.”

    Do watch for dehydration. That’s the most serious part, as others have warned you. I wish I could think of something to make you laugh. Maybe you are exorcizing all of your demons from 2006. Some kind of Velvet purification ritual.

    Just think. Rich broads head out to Palm Springs and have strangers shove tubes up their ass to achieve the same thing, all in the name of metabolic balance and enzyme cleansing.

  7. Patsy

    🙁 If you were in TX, I’d not only walk the babies, I’d also bring you some homemade soup and gatorade. Sorry to hear you’re so ill… but if losing 5lbs was one of your NYResolutions, you’ve already hit it!!

  8. Nikki

    Hey Velvet

    I feel for you, I had food poisoning right before Christmas and I was sure I was going to die.

    If you were in Alberta, I would walk the dogs for you!! We have lots of cowboys here…

    Happy New Year and I hope you already feeling better. 😉

  9. AlieMalie

    aww, get well soon. i’d offer to walk your fur children but i’m nowhere close to DC.

  10. Quentin

    Didn’t think you’d ever get me to feel sorry for you, but you’ve done it (tomorrow we can return to the normal situation). I remember checking the bowl to see if any of my insides’d come out. That, and lying on the ice-damn-cold bathroom floor sweating like I was in a sauna. Sometimes I still get a little wave of it just seeing an ad for fried chicken.
    I’d definitely walk the dogs once while you’re getting your feet back under you.
    More importantly (finally, getting back to you), you should call somebody to check on you in the morning (stupid: I’m sure people are already calling you) a tidy, in-shape, low BP girl like yourself doesn’t have much extra volume to play with.

  11. E :)

    Get well! I’m so sorry you are sick. If it weren’t a 10,000 mile journey I would definitely walk Sammy and Thora for you.

  12. La Mitotera

    Happy New Year. Hope you are feeling better by now. 🙂

  13. LPM

    If you still have issues as of today (Tuesday), it’s hospital time. Also, as they’ve said above, your real danger is dehydration.
    How are you feeling today?

  14. Wicked H

    How are you doing today Velvet? Anything resembling your extremities cramping, get thee to an ER/Urgent care STAT. That’s the point of dehydration gatorade cannot help.

    Let us know how you are.

    Wishing you a speedy recovery.

  15. KassyK

    I’m at work till 5:30 but I am more than happy to come over and help…email me. XO and feel better!!

  16. *A*

    FEEL BETTER! Ugh food poisoning sucks…hang in there…and keep drinking fluids if you can.

  17. LPM

    Dammit, is there an edit function for submitters here? The missing ‘ and e… they taunt me…
    Bob the Angry Flower, I have failed you.

  18. I-66

    Oh to be able to choose the areas from which we lose weight. Hope you’re feeling better this morning.

  19. LMNt

    Spewing from both ends??? Velvet, you have never been so attractive.

    Hope you feel better asap.

  20. bejeweled

    I’ve never had food poisoning. Hearing you talk about it though will make me be careful with my food choices. I would love to be able to Fed Ex you some chicken soup but I’m sure food is not on your number one list right now. Ugh, what a way to bring in 2007. Wishing you a speedy recovery!

  21. Frankly, Scarlett

    I’m right there with you! Feel better soon!

  22. minijonb

    Choke on your own vomit? I’m glad you didn’t choke on someone else’s vomit.

    Hope your new year continues to improve day by day over this.

  23. Elizabeth

    V, you any better today?..I am a day late but could possibly help you out if Kassy hasnt already..

  24. Velvet

    La Whisky – I should take what I can get I suppose. I just don’t feel like buying new clothes. Damn it to hell.

    VJ – Lose his teeth and not replace them too quickly…that’s awesome! Though not very good for picking up chicks I would imagine.

    LPM – Goiter? I just got a vision of the guy in the end of Easy Rider who shoots Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda. Now, that was a goiter.

    Hammer – Thanks for the link. Lucky for me I don’t eat any of those foods anyway. I had this once about 4-5 years ago, and I think I went 11 days before I could eat again.

    Cube – Ooh. Karen Carpenter. That’s a good one! And I don’t get that whole colonic thing. Tube up ass. Not very appetizing.

    Patsy – When I woke up at 4 a.m. on Sunday, I seriously thought that my 3 week drinking binge was catching up with me, and my stomach lining was ripping out of me.

    Nikki – I just lifted my head off the pillow and said “cowboys?”

    Alie Malie – Thanks!

    Quentin – Wait! You never feel sorry for me? Ever? Okay, I’ll accept that. Anyway, I know exactly what you are saying. Who knew a stomach ailment could result in fever and chills and passing out. Christ. And I was joking, I do have some extra volume. I’m definitely no Nicole Richie.

    E:) – Thank you!

    La Mitotera – Thanks. I do feel like I’m on the mend.

    LPM – I do feel better. Not going to hit the ER.

    Wicked H – I am better. The gatorade did help. No more cramping.

    KK – I’m good.

    *A* – Aww! Thanks!

    LPM – I can edit on this end, but you kids can’t.

    I66 – Wouldn’t that be nice?

    LMNt – I know, soooo hot. I’m like Paris Hilton hot right now.

    Bejeweled – I eat out a lot so who knows what happens in the kitchens where I can’t see. Ick. Though FreckledK thinks I have a stomach flu.

    Frankly, Scarlett – You too? Oh boy. It does suck doesn’t it.

    MinijonB – Thanks. I’m getting better.

    Elizabeth – I am better. Actually thinking about eating something today. Thanks for offering to help. And my dog walker was just here too, so that’s good. Now they are sleeping again. Hopefully that will buy me several hours.

  25. playfulinnc

    Happy Damn New Year to Velvet. Jesus. At least you can mark one thing off your todo list.

    If you need an 18 second laugh, check out my video where I attempt to eat Nick’s brains.

  26. The Captain

    I had food poisoning twice the past year. The first was from drive-through Chinese Food. Never again, that one felt like my spine had seized up.

    The second one was just bad shrimp, but again from Chinese Food. See a pattern here? Just drink Gatorade for two-three days, and don’t eat anything, and you should be alright.

  27. suicide_blond

    sooo sorry… poisioning is the WORST…i lost 12 lbs after some bad fish..and WANTED to die…
    i would have called 911 but i couldnt crawl from the couch to the phone.. the worst part was..i dropped the tv i had to watch some bollywood thing with two hour dance sequences…when a friend finally came over i was crying…when she asked “aww whats wrong??”….
    “please please turn the fucking channel!!!”.. was all i could say!

  28. suicide_blond

    soooooooooooo sorry… poisioning is the WORST…i lost 12 lbs after some bad fish..and WANTED to die…
    i would have called 911 but i couldnt crawl from the couch to the phone.. the worst part was..i dropped the tv i had to watch some bollywood thing with two hour dance sequences…when a friend finally came over i was crying…when she asked “aww whats wrong??”….
    “please please turn the fucking channel!!!”.. was all i could say!

  29. Velvet

    Playful – I saw it this morning, you two…

    The Captain – Aah, a main reason I don’t eat Chinese food. Ick. ICK!

    SB – That cracked me up. Awesome! I need to check and see what the “girls next door” are up to.

  30. KM

    I had food poisoning once in Dublin. I spent the night over the toilet bowl every hour, on the hour. When I woke up in the morning, my roommate accused me of bringing a drunk Irish skank home, using her, and depositing her into the roommate’s bed without any clothes on.

    Ahhh…food poisoning!

  31. Drunken Chud

    ok, brace yourself for the images. about 8 years ago i was at college. just got back from christmas break, and the shitty kitchen wasn’t fully staffed, so they had limited options. chicken cordon bleu was my choice. this choice will come back to haunt me. sittin in my dorm room a little while later i wasn’t feeling well, so i decided to lay down on the couch. everybody wanted to go out and play some snow football. i thought i’d go out, but upon standing up i felt queesy and decided to forgo the coed footballing in the snow. after some time passed, i got the sweats. yeah, you know the sweats. this shit was coming up, and coming up fast. a little scenery for you: i am lying on the couch with my body perpindicular to the door with my feet away from the door. just to the right of the door is my garbage can. from where i lay, the can can’t be but 8 feet from my head. nice, tile floor of the dorm, good solid cinderblock walls. then it hit. i sat bolt upright and tried to dash to the garbage can. unfortunately my stomach, which is apparently a fan of physical comedy, beat me to the dash and laid a vomit slick right in my path of frantic travel. bare feet + vomit + tile floor = 6’3 230lbs of dude careening ass over applecart while still vomiting crashing into the garbage can and then the block wall, all while still voming. my roommate stood up and like a good umpire, yelled “safe!”. so then i’m laughing and vomiting which is not fun combo. it’s amazing how fast i can get moving in only two strides. so, one meal went in my stomach, three hours later one meal came out, that day january 10th nineen ninee nine. and that mr. hooper is why i’ll never eat cordon bleu again.

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