Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

This Race is for Rats

I understand that my work dramas have become a source of entertainment for you. I’ll have you know though, that I am currently shifting my mood to the darkside. Yes, I’ve decided that this place is just the right combination of hilarious and dysfunctional that it might be a place I can call…home.

Let’s review my last five days at the Vortex.

Wednesday we found out that through an acquisition our company will quintuple. But we’re only hiring a couple more people. Yay.

Thursday I got to work and saw this in the parking lot.


You didn’t need anything else from me on Thursday, did you?

Friday I received a phone call 5 minutes before I was going to leave saying that “this, this and this” need to be finished before you go. Christ.

Monday I had to return 45 phone calls being directed to me now because of some other drama, each call taking between 10 and 12 minutes and each call being the same exact conversation. In addition, I received an email that “this and this” (unrelated to Friday’s “this and this”) needed to be done by close of business Monday. The “this and this” will take approximately 4 days to complete. There were 6 hours left in the workday when I received this email. I responded: “It’s nice to have dreams.”

Tuesday a meeting was held in the conference room next to my office. I distinctly heard someone tell the person who reports to them to do something. Then I distinctly heard that person throw everything down and proclaim, “NO! I’M NOT DOING IT! IT’S NOT MY JOB!!!” Then she stormed out of the office. I’m still unclear as to her current employment status.


  1. Lemmonex

    That truck is magic! Was it advertising something, or just sitting there, looking freaking awesome?

  2. patsy

    I would totally get drunk and steal that fantabulous truck with you!

  3. Shannon

    Velvet’s office environment is so dysfunctional that giant lobsters roam the land, raping innocent pickup trucks. Wow.

  4. cyndy

    That is awesome! A lobster humping a pickup truck is something I thought I’d never see. Thank you for spreading a little joy, in spite of all of the other crap you are dealing with right now.

  5. I-66

    Funny story… that truck used to be green.

  6. Phil

    And sadly, Velvet has obscured something possibly even more magical on the side of the truck. My bet is a beautiful mermaid or something.

  7. Velvet

    Lemmonex – I don’t know!!! I got to work and it was suspiciously (as if it could be covert) in the corner of the parking lot, way way way beyond where any cars would ever park. I’m not sure why, was he hiding out? Was he making out with his girlfriend and they fell asleep until morning when we all started arriving at work? I don’t get it.

    Patsy – And I would let you! And I would eat Chex Mix in my stupid German stands-out-like-a-sore-thumb-in-Texas car with you while the driver looked for that lobster.

    Shannon – I’m bewildered.

    Cyndy – Yes, I just had to relay my latest phone call to FreckledK, where the people who called for me refused voicemail and told someone to “go find me in the lunchroom.” WTF. AND, it was 2:30 at the time, and YES that was the first chance I got to eat lunch. Damn.

    I66 – Huh?

    Phil – No way! There was no mermaid there!

  8. Drunken Chud

    i want that truck. like now. oh, the ladies would so dig the shit of me if i was driving around in a truck like that. i mean, it’s a lobster, humping a dually. i’m a dually. and i can take them for lobster, and humping. it’s the perfect suggestive sell. heh.

  9. Ibid

    It wasn’t me. I don’t yell. I laugh and tell the boss

    “Naw, I’m not doing that.”


    “I should be able to get that for you tomorrow.”
    “I said tonight.”
    “I’d suggest you do it then. I will have it tomorrow.”

    And despite all that I actually had to turn down a management position.

  10. JohnnyDC

    Did the truck say, “wrong hole”?

  11. freckledk

    At least, with a truck like that, I need not worry about smelling like fish. I can blame that on the vehicle.

    “Oh no, baby. It’s the TRUCK.”

  12. I-66

    Man… it’s less fun when I have to explain.

    The truck, once green (or any non-white color really), is being fucked by a giant lobster.

    How on earth did it become white?

  13. wildbillthePirate

    After seeing actual proof of a Giant Cooked Lobster taking a pickup truck in the Bed (yes, they are missionary-spreading the Good News!..) I don’t really know what else there is to see in this world. I’ll try and work up a suitable poem but it is almost too…sublime.. to ruin with mere words!

  14. Mama Mia

    Honey bun, it’s so refreshing to hear your life is full of POSITIVE THINGS these days, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge! LOL x 2! Anywoozie, I found an old post card the other day and nearly cried. Thought I’d share. Kisses and kisses!

  15. sixesandsevens

    I got nothing. cant. think. of. anything. to. say. to. that.

  16. Phil

    The truck, once green (or any non-white color really), is being fucked by a giant lobster.

    How on earth did it become white?

    I know the answer to this I-66 riddle.

    The Lobster has ejaculated all over the truck.

  17. I-66

    We have a winner!

  18. Cunning Linguist

    Isn’t the truck blue though? It has fish swimming on it. Hard to tell in the picture.

  19. E

    66, I see you’re working hard ATM.

  20. Ulysses

    Oh sure, it’s funny now, but when those two have their offspring, your jobsite’s gonna be packed with little pincers after you at 30 mph and burning oil all over the place.

  21. Peter Orvetti

    Wow, I haven’t read this blog in too long. I’ve missed it.

  22. jordanbaker

    Come on, folks–clearly the truck broke down and the lobster is helpfully pushing it to the side of the road.

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