Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I Just Can’t Think About You As a Friend

The Velvet in Dupont Summer Vocabulary List

  • Annoying – When Mr. X leaves you by yourself to go get a cup of coffee and you’re standing around with your thumb up your ass and your ex-boyfriend walks by and acts like outside the pet store a block from where you live would be the last place he’d expect to see you, and has a conversation with you.
  • Predictable – When your ex-boyfriend emails you after the encounter to say that it was good to see you, that it wasn’t awkward at all, and that “the dogs look good.” (Do dogs ever look different? Do they ever have a bad hair day? I mean, really.)
  • Stupid – That you respond to this email because you find it mystifying that your ex-boyfriend would even be in your neighborhood and you sort of want to know why. You also decide to mention that you are happy he ran off so quickly as you were waiting on someone, knowing that will encourage him to write back to tell you that he probably replaced you seven minutes after emailing two of your closest friends asking them if they could “talk some sense into you.”
  • Newsworthy – When you mention to a friend that you bumped into said ex, a person she despises, and you casually say, “WTF was he doing over here?”
  • Uncomfortable – That he replies and says he “lives around the corner,” and that he is now a “we” too, as if being a “we” is the be-all, end-all to a successful life.
  • Sad – That you know his need to not be alone trumps his ability to ever recognize any genuine feelings for another.
  • Shocking – That you live around the corner, and now he claims he lives around the corner, so what gives?
  • Crafty – That your friend manipulates google and finds out that he bought a house with his girlfriend.
  • Unbe-fucking-lievable – That the address of that house is exactly 1.5 blocks away from you.
  • Irritating – That he saw fit to buy a house this close to where you live.
  • Coincidental – That it doesn’t take very long for him to cross your path again, at a red light, where he rolls down the window.
  • Creepy – The smile on his face from ear to ear.
  • Obligation – Despite the fact that you are in the midst of an x-rated text with Mr. X, you feel like this is your chance to say something about what you know.
  • Grey Poupon Commercial – Where you speak to the person next to you at the red light to ask them a question.
  • “Ya-got-me” shrug – What he does when you say, “So I guess you live in my neighborhood now.”
  • Rolling Up Window – What you do after you say your part.
  • Sorry – What you feel for his girlfriend now.
  • Consolation – What you and Mr. X have, in each other, as each of you deal with your issues with exes.
  • Peace – What you have in your life now, that you didn’t have during that time.
  • Trash – The place where you can finally put your anxiety meds.
  • A lie – What you wrote about here, because you knew that if you didn’t write otherwise, that you would really hear the shit.
  • Compromise – What you had to do to your creative outlet in order to keep peace in a relationship.
  • Drama – Something you no longer know anything about.
  • A revelation to longtime readers – That a couple days after you wrote the above link, the two of you broke up because he threw a pile of dirt at you. That he used his key to come into your house. That you threatened, for the only time ever in your life, to call the cops. That you drove cross-country and back to finally break the tie.
  • Weak – That you actually questioned your decision half way to Phoenix.
  • Confirmation – That your original decision to leave was in fact, correct.
  • Obvious -That you know that he has been checking this since your pet store encounter to see if you write about him.
  • Satisfaction – That you are in love, really in love, and that you were probably in love with Mr. X for most of the relationship prior, that you used to think about Mr. X when you were having sex with the prior and that the ex knows that you know what he did in moving to your neighborhood, and that it’s someone else’s problem now.


  1. E

    And let’s not forget how I know him.

  2. I-66

    He tried to solicit you?

  3. E

    I was working the free STD meds clinic and he showed up. Cute joke, though.

  4. sixesandsevens

    I remember there were also leaves in that dirt. So that makes the whole scene even more pathetic. He threw a clod, he is a clod.

    E…I love you. I am sad that your twat is on Velvie’s couch and not mine. Did all three mutts sleep with you too?

  5. E

    I’m sad, too! At least someone is there to take care of Velvie, though. Not sure where in the fuck Mr. X is, though…

    No, my little doggy is at home, and Velvie’s pups knew she needed comforting.

  6. Mr. X

    Mr. X is on-call. 6’s7’s – until I saw E wondering where I was, I thought one of those three mutts was me. Crowded couch.

  7. sixesandsevens

    Tee hee. THAT I want pictures of…speaking of I hear there are pictures that Velvie was going to share with me. How dare you hold out on me! I want to see them STAT! You know if you give, you get!

    And kids, 6’s is going to post next week I promise. I just couldn’t knock this post off the list because it’s soo soo soo good.

  8. Phil

    I think I got it now….you were dating Lou Pinella?

    (maybe only I-66 gets this)

  9. JohnnyDC

    I haven’t confessed to any hatred of this person!

    It lets me say “I may be slashing your tires but I dont HATE you… its just business.”

  10. I-66

    Ohh but Sweet Lou is more famous for kicking the dirt, I thought. He can certainly throw a base though.

  11. Washington Cube

    I like how Johnny DC thinks.

  12. hungry

    I was curious about who V was dating – in all of the posts about Mr X there was a distinct lack of drama but Sherlock just seemed like a guy who was seriously off his meds. Who the fuck moves around the corner from an ex he stalked? Mr Why needs a lobotomy or at least a shit load of ECT.

  13. Laura

    I just wonder — there was so much love in some of the posts about Sherlock. I remember one where you guys were buying some bed that you planned to make children on some day. Not to rub salt in the wound at all, but it’s just a good reminder that we see so little reading these blogs. Sure there were ups and downs but you seemed happy toward the end. But you were faking it, I guess. Or life is complicated. Yes, Mr. X seems to bring less drama and more comfort with him (yay!). But what is to be believed? And this is the thing about having a blog… Others will only see what you write and will feel they know something when the truth is they don’t know shit. I don’t know shit.

    Makes me wonder about me and my friends (as I’m not of your circle, know none of you). What is the truth lurking behind some profession that “everything is great.” Then it turns out nothing was great. But that’s what we put out there, and only later do you find out that your friend was in something awful. Sad.

  14. Velvet

    Hungry – Well hello. It’s been a long time. Mr. X and Sherlock are definitely not one and the same. I have faith that my friends, more “type A” than yours truly, will find themselves face to face with the girlfriend of one Sherlock and they’ll just tell her. Let’s face it, we all go to the same dog park now, and the same grocery store.

    Laura – Your comment is incredibly on point, and I’ve had the discussion with friends that answers this very question. But rarely does a reader remember all that detail. This should probably be a post within itself, but here goes.

    I (like many women) dated a string of men who were no where near right. That’s how I started the blog. Then along comes Sherlock who actually wants a commitment and I’m like, “Okay, here’s a good looking guy who actually wants a girlfriend, not just to play around collecting notches.” And we began a relationship. But then I caught him in a lie. We broke up. We got back together. Then I caught him in another lie. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. That cycle went on and on for almost a year. If I ever found out something I wasn’t happy about or he did something that we argued about and I needed my space, he couldn’t let me have it. He’d wait about three hours before he was at a party with friends trying to pick up a new girl or at a bar getting the bartenders phone number and making out with her. But I would never find this shit out at the time – it would unravel as the weeks passed due to some coincidence or another. It turned out that I knew a lot of people in DC and had a far reach with the blog, and shit always got back to me.

    So then he would turn it around like: “Well you weren’t talking to me and I’m not very good at sitting on the sidelines of life so I hooked up with the bartender at Tabaq, sorry.” It was never blatant enough though. A kiss is not sex. And me not talking to him could be construed as a break. And it was harder to decide to just dump him because in the interim of said event, we’d had several great weeks and the event was also so far away from present day. For me it came down to: Is this the right guy for me, or is he close and he just has issues, as in, not only is he not a commitment-phobe, but he’s downright co-dependent to where it’s scary, because he’ll take anything he can just to not be alone.

    I had to try to figure out if I was willing to put up with all these issues we had and chalk them up to the problems people have in relationships, or if I wasn’t. Ultimately, I wasn’t. And it was the right choice. Just because two people both want the same things in life doesn’t mean they should have those things together. And this is where I think millions of people make a huge mistake: They get married and have kids because the other guy wanted to also, and they never realize that there is very little of a relationship between them.

  15. suicide_blond

    sugar…if you think you know your friends…you dont..very few of us even know ourselves… if i had to pick the person i lie to most often..its myslef…telling myself…oh im sure xyz….didn’t MEAN to hurt me…and giving folks the benefit of the doubt when i KNOW i shouldnt…and if you look at many women go around saying they “walked into a door” when the truth is thier “boyfriend” punched them??…but they lie to themselves and thier friends..saying what everyone wants to hear…
    “everything is great..”
    that said..
    ummm..yeah i had a boy throw dirt at me once…but…he was 3 and i was telling him it was nap time….

  16. cyndy

    It seems like these encounters with con men, stalkers, and abusers happen so randomly to so many different people that I never buy it when someone says something like “she brought it on herself” or “she just seems to attract that type” – even when the person who it is happening to is saying it. In general, those kinds of statements are typically spoken by people who have merely been lucky enough to not have ever had any sickos cross their paths. They have no idea.

    The people who have been able to deal successfully with these kinds of awful surprises in their relationships are also lucky in a way. Not everyone is able to get the hell out and learn from the experience. If they do, their creep radar is likely to function much better for them in the future.

    I feel really sorry for Sherlock’s Velveeta#2 because that’s just too soon to be making such huge financial commitments with him or anybody, no matter how wonderful or unwonderful he turns out to be for her.

    A long time ago, my roommate and I had to deal with our criminally psychotic ex-roommate from a few years back moving in just three townhouses away from us – with her arresting officer, no less. That was seriously icky.

    Good luck with your new neighbor. I hope the encounters with him are few and far between.

  17. JohnnyDC

    Too bad. They’re gonna get divorced and she should take her for all he’s got.

    Unless he just doesn’t pay up and then she gets stuck with a nice big bankruptcy bill.

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