Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Nothing Fills The Blackness That Has Seeped Into My Chest

Right on time. I’ve been expecting you.

I was talking to my eye twitch.

I’m starting to panic. I’m having massive anxiety, which is nothing new. Crushing my chest. Can’t breathe. Lost my breath on the drive home from work yesterday and couldn’t breathe in anymore. Have barely had anything to eat because my stomach is in knots.

I don’t stay over. I don’t stay over. I don’t know what else to say, but I don’t stay over. Call it another of my PostSecrets along with getting tattoo’s so that I will always remember who I once was, or that I despise being in people’s weddings. This secret? I don’t stay over.

I can feel it. The mental shutting down. The “I haven’t been wrapped up with anyone in so long that I don’t know how to do this” feeling. The “I really do like being alone” feeling. The “Am I going to mess this up on purpose feeling.” Panic. Sheer panic. More like terror.

When I panic, I’m like a caged rabid animal. A bull in a China Shop. I freak out, completely. And I must take to my bed. Trying to take deep breaths, but it’s not helping.

A few years ago, someone asked me why I never stayed over with him. It’s a question I couldn’t answer right away. But about a year after I was asked, and after he was gone from my life, I figured out the answer.

I don’t stay over because I don’t want to fall in love.


  1. Washington Cube

    You’re a bull in a china shop? Fine. Start breaking your inhibitions and leave yourself vunerable again. This is what life is about, Miss Velvet. Taking the hits.

  2. always write

    You can want something and be afraid of it at the same time. You want to fall in love. You’re just scared. Everybody’s scared to fall in love. Ride it out, girl. This one sounds like it’s worth fighting for.

  3. Whisky Pants

    I’d give my eyeteeth to fall in love again. I miss all the heart-pounding, gut-wrenching, lip-chapping anticipation of it all. [big sigh]

  4. Law-Rah

    Agree with miss pants. It has taken me a very long time to realize it (and even longer to admit it)…but I want to fall in love again. [ditto sigh]

    Embrace it!

  5. roarsavage

    Really? Not at all? Not ever?

  6. Sandra Dee

    After all of these horrible dates, you deserve it! Just take it easy and do things on YOUR time. Can’t wait to hear about the next time you see each other!

  7. meghansdiscontent

    You don’t know how badly I want to be supportive.
    But I totally can’t.

    IGNORE THIS COMMENT, because you know I’m normally your cheerleader.
    But don’t stay over.
    Don’t fall in love.
    Nothing good can come of it.

  8. Buggie

    Hey, see? We are not so different. The difference is that I don’t give them a chance at all.
    I totally can feel everything you just said.Why is it so damn hard?
    It just has to happen organically. You’ll stay over when you feel like it. When you are vested enough. The pressure to do so without it being your idea is just going to push you further away. Let the commitment build naturally. Right?

  9. siryn

    I think you probably need to go a little slower so that falling in love won’t be so scary.

    Trust is a huge thing, and it’s easily shattered. You probably need a good amount of time to build up trust. It’s been a slow dance that took off running once you met. There is no need to rush things and rush right off a cliff. Keep it slow.

  10. Scarlet

    At least your reason is better than mine: I just hate to not sleep in my own bed.

    It is a scary thing to let go though and open up to the L thing.

  11. Reya Mellicker

    You don’t want to be in love? Really?? I’m trying to believe you but it just doesn’t ring true. Scared to be in love? Of course! Where there’s fear, there’s power. You’d be crazy not to be scared of falling love. Keep breathing!

    Shannon and I missed you last night – had a great dinner & conversation, but it would have been so fun to see you.

  12. cosmic shambles

    This is the point where the butterflies fluttering in your stomach turn into flesh-pecking vultures (my favorite part of every relationship). I say stay over!

  13. cosmic shambles

    This is the point where the butterflies fluttering in your stomach turn into flesh-pecking vultures (my favorite part of every relationship). I say stay over!

  14. Kayla

    Honey. Sugar. Love. Boo. You simply cannot freak out like this. I know it is easier said than done, but you are an amazing woman and although love is scary – the prospect of not ever loving is scarier. Ride the tide. Go with the flow. The best relationships are filled with many bumps in the road… Now, go call that number I gave you yesterday ;)…

  15. CrazyGirl

    I can relate, but there’s a twist to mine. I have no issues with the falling in love part. That’s cake because it’s just fun and it just happens without control. When I’m actually in a relationship, the panic sets in. The oh-my-god-is-this-really-happening panic. The is-this-going-to-work panic. All the what-ifs kind of panic. I’ve been working my ass off the past year to overcome that, and I have actually come a long way. However, the panic creeps back every now and then. When it does, it really sucks.

  16. Bilious Pudendum

    Fuck Me! I concur wholeheartedly with washington dodecahedron and always wrought. I am a Cunt!

    cosmic ‘redundant’ shambles It’s fecking velocoraptors! I know this.

    kayla, Fuck off with the happy face!

    Shite! This isn’t my site! Sorry Velvet.

  17. always write

    I think what Bilious means to say is, “Ditto.”

    We love you. We love you single and snarky, and we love you coupled and mushy. Either way you’re still Velvet; relinquishing some control doesn’t mean giving up who you are.

    Please write all this down so you can shove it back in my face in the near future.

  18. Johnny

    then youll really be a crazy nutter.

  19. Kayla

    AW, I am writing this all down and you know I am dying to shove it (kindly) back in your face …

    BP, smiley faces give you the horn. You said so. 🙂 like that, big boy?

    Velvet, I am calling that number for you.

  20. Pink Oyster

    Hi Velvet,

    I’m back after my long absence.

    This may sound silly, but I’m worried about you. Maybe someone has hurt you deeply so you don’t want to fall in love? I’ll stop my speculation.

    Anyway, I’m optimistic though. I think one day you’ll be shown a beautiful heart and hopefully you’ll seize the chance and open yours too.

    I know you want to stab my words, but I imagine falling in love is beautiful.


  21. moose

    I can’t wait til your hesitation ruins this one, then you can go back to writing about dating weirdos – it’s much more entertaining. Plus I don’t get jealous.

  22. Johnny


    i dont want to fall in love either. lets just have mind-blowing, vagina shattering sex for a long long time.


  23. Kristin

    It’s all good… Though, I feel like I haven’t talked to you in weeks! Days are enough. Updates? In love? Out of love? How are the dogs?

  24. chicgirl

    thx for your advice tonite miss velvet! u are one smart cookie!!;)

    11:19 pm

  25. molly

    i can so relate to this…i am in my phase 2 of my own special form of sabotage. 1st I pick apart them…why they aren’t right for me…why we wouldn’t work out…and i distance myself…and if get cornered will viciously lash out…2nd (if they stick around past this) i find myself giving away what i consider fatal flaws about myself…in hopes, i think, that that will make them go away.
    because the real problem is they like me and i like them. and i can only like them if they don’t like me it seems.

  26. Elvis

    I hate falling in love too. Every year, I think, “this is it, this is the year.” But I’m scared. “What happens if it doesn’t work out?” And then the crying and break-downs and sobbing and the double guessing and the over-analysis begins. Every stinking year, I fall in love, and… every year, the damn Redskins never do anything but break my heart.

  27. Serena

    I’m sure this has been said many times over, but I think it’s important enough to say again in a different form.

    Letting yourself be vulnerable and open to hurt is both a scary and painful prospect. However, it’s these life extremes that really let us feel alive. How would we ever know the greatest joy if we hadn’t, at some point, felt that hollow pain?

  28. Drunken Chud

    love hurts.

  29. Jessie

    love. She is a muther fucka’, no?

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