Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Was I Wrong About Phoenix?

I ran several errands in Phoenix this week and quickly noticed I was being gawked at. I decided to see if any of the 8th grade dropouts with 4 chins and beer bellies Cyrano de Bergeracked a Craigslist Missed Connection for me. Sure, DC has its share of crazies on Craigslist, but the Phoenix peeps seem to use their Missed connections for an entirely different purpose.

Me thinks Jordan Baker will like these.

1: You were a dancer we met in 2000 got pregnet and I left – m4w-34

“This has been haunting me for six years. I met you at a strip bar went home w/ you that night and after spending a week w/ you I left and went back to my wife. Not long after you got in touch w/ me and said you were pregnant I hung up and never heard from you again. Please in the name of god let me find you I have been looking for six years and will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. My name is Thomas brooks Allen and I miss you! Please if by the one in a million chance you get this email me back and I will be on my way…All of my heart, Thomas.”

What is pregnet? Now Thomas, in addition to needing some serious spelling lessons, you believed a stripper? You really think you are the father of this child, even if it does exist? And now you are planning on leaving your wife (again) for a stripper. Wow dude. You need help.

2: Wake/Viewing – Uncle Gypsy – m4w – 31

“I meet you at the wake on Monday, you are from Cali. I thought you were so pretty and I felt this mutual attraction”

Okay, I swear I’m not making these ads up. I wonder what the opener was, “Hey, if I stand next to the casket at a 3/4 angle, does it make my ass look fat?”

3: sierra are you there? Phoenix1971 – m4w – 36

“missed you online today. don’t want to bother you at work …but maybe i’ll stop in for a few minutes to see what you do.”

Stalker! DO NOT show up at her job!

4: Monday evening – m4w

“I waited to hear from you all weekend to see if you wanted to come over last night between 6:45 and 9 or 9:30. Did you have a change in mind or decide to go in a different direction? I even cleaned the house and changed the linen.”

Okay, so she doesn’t want to spend the weekend with you, then gives you a pretty long window of when she may show up on Monday night? And you changed the linens! Aww! I guess you were planning to have sex. She wasn’t though. Or at least not with you.

5: Still missing you – m4w – 39

“God I want to cry! I miss you so much I can’t get you out of my head! Why? Why can’t I let you go! What is wrong with me! I think about you night and day! I want you back so bad yet I know the abuse you hurled on upon me was killing me but yet I still dream about you. I wake up in the morning expecting to be next to you but no such luck. I am your slave. You are still my one my only my always and forever. I love you with all my heart and soul.”

Huh. Poor dude.


  1. homeimprovementninja

    Sometimes I wonder how Bush got re-elected, then I remember that the rest of the country is nothing like DC. The guy who thinks he got the stripper “pregnet”, his wife, and the stripper are all probably allowed to vote (unless stupidity is a crime and these people were disqualified for being convicted felons).

  2. Johnny-D.C.

    Do they all live in the same trailer park?


  3. Lucy Coe's Cat

    Oh my.

  4. Tacoma!


    That’s certainly enough to make a girl reconcider an area.
    Entering the dating scene would be like shootin’ fish in a barrel.
    Really stupid fish, in a leaky barrel.

  5. jordanbaker

    I love that Thomas Brooks Allen used his full name when trying to find his “pregnet” stripper. Yeah, that’s going to go over real well with the wife, boyo.

    And yes, I probably went to high school with many of these people.

  6. The Queen

    Oh, it’s good to be back in Velvet land. Wait, that didn’t sound good. Hey, it’s early (for me).

    Great selections, is it evil that I laughed hysterically the entire time while reading these? Don’t answer that.


  7. Alena

    re the Wake/Viewing ad – sounds like a ripoff of Will Ferrell’s character from Wedding Crashers (the funeral crasher)!

  8. Arjewtino

    A stripper once told me I was the cutest guy she had ever seen, so I gave her some money.

  9. DubsInAz

    Glad to see you back and posting. I enjoyed your fresh perspective and the blunt-style of writing.

    I actually live here in Phoenix (used to be OldTown Scottsdale, now living in Avondale with fiance). Just wanted to let you know that PHX does indeed have its fair share of freaks, but what place doesn’t? (I’m an Iowa native, live in the Drake area of Des Moines for a while and you will find plenty of jokers like you have mentioned).

    Anyways, just wanted to say welcome back, enjoy this Phx heat. Check out Handlebar J’s in scottsdale for some rich cowboys and (what I enjoy) good-looking cowgirls (or wannabe cowgirls).

  10. Velvet

    Dubs – Oh, I am mostly kidding. I really do love Phoenix. I think we’re headed to Old Town tonight as a matter of fact. I’ll let you know!

    Arjew – That’s what you are supposed to do. Just don’t get ’em pregnet.

    Alena – I love your delurking. Awesome!

    The Queen – It scares me how messed up some people are.

    JB – I googled his name but only found my blog! D’oh!

    Tacoma! – More proof that Craigslist is a joke in all cities, right?

    Johnny DC – HAHA!

    Ninja – I’m in a red state. But at least people don’t talk politics at every juncture.

  11. barbara

    You’re making us laugh again. That’s a good sign. It’s funny how we all think we’re just a little bit smarter than anyone living outside the DC metro area. But the truth is those assholes live here too, and they are probably getting strippers “pregnet” as I write this.

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