Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Keep Your Hands to Yourself

While I may not have newspaper clippings to show you, I did have a strange weekend. Though I would like to do it all over again and this time do less something and more nothing.

I kicked off the weekend by stopping by my favorite waxer. Cube has the best ticket in town on this by the way so you’ll have to suck up to her if you want to know who it is. Since I finally bagged on going to the lunatic Thai lady, I’ve had relatively uneventful waxing experiences. Not Friday though.

Shameless me, I’m taking off my underwear, and Sandra (the waxer) says: So, I’m being investigated.
What? Why?
Someone reported me. A detective came to see me.
Why? Someone got home and realized their pubic hair was missing?
Sandra, laughing:
You are so bad!
You really shouldn’t open with this line, by the way. But, this I gotta hear. What did you get reported for?
Inappropriate touching.
Well, I’ll turn my head and you can touch me as inappropriately as you want. I think my boyfriend will want to come next time to watch though.
You are making me laugh! Stop!
So what did you tell the detective.
Sandra: Well, I had to explain the process and you know how after you rip the strip off you push on the skin like this? (She then demonstrates on my pubic bone.)
Me: Oh yes Sandra!!!! Do it again!!!!

Sandra is in full hysterics now. The long story short on this is that some idiot buffoon reported her for this “inappropriate touching.” As someone who has been demanding Brazilians since 1998 when they didn’t even do them in regular salons, I have to say this: people, if you are the least bit embarrassed by having your privates touched, you should probably play volleyball instead of opting for a Brazilian.

I left, grabbed the loves of my life Sammy and Thora, and drove out to meet X at the beach. Because he got there a day before I did, he was able to scout out a new bar, with a new megatouch, very close to the house. This is very exciting. Six Bud Lights (for me) and four Rum and Cokes (for him) and our bill totaled $31.50. Are. You. Kidding. Me.   I ripped off my hoop skirt and screamed, “As God as my Witness, I will never drink in Washington D.C. again!!!!”

I’m actually not kidding about the skirt part…it seems that through an altercation with a faulty tampon, I ruined my Lucky Jeans skirt!!! I ripped off the skirt and came home in my underwear, which, not surprisingly, was in worse condition. X said, “Oh boy, we’re going to be on the message boards tomorrow…I can see it now…’girl walking around community in underwear.'”

Sometimes the old Velvet just comes out and rears her head and cannot be stopped.

Saturday I spent what was supposed to be three hours at a salon getting that Brazilian Keratin thing that’s all the rage. Seven hours and $500 later, I have straight hair. However, I’m not satisfied with the place where I got it done, mostly because they doubled the price from their original “estimate” and because it took so long. But I’m also not pleased because the lady who owns the place is one of those annoying people I’ve fortunately had to encounter so rarely in my life.

She hits you when she’s talking to you. I don’t even have friends who do this to me, but for a stranger to tell you a story and to keep smacking your forearm, it’s annoying. It’s really annoying. So I wanted to take that $100 an ounce Brazilian product and shove it in her face because I was so annoyed. X said quite aptly, “I can only imagine you sitting there for 7 hours wondering if they knew what they were doing, and hating this lady. I’m sure you’ll never go back there again.”

I think he’s right. She actually offered to do a touch-up for free because of “price-gate 2009” but I don’t even know if that’s worth it. I should have sucked it up and gone to the mega expensive palace in Georgetown that does it. Well. You get what you pay for. Now. To get rid of these bruises on my forearms…


  1. jordanbaker

    I am SO GLAD you’ve escaped that lunatic’s waxing clutches.

  2. Phil

    So could someone confuse a “brazilian” with a “brazilian keratin” and straighten your pubes?

  3. Washington "Bare to the Bone" Cube

    Velvet Girl: First of all, thanks for the mention. Also thank you for not using the waxer’s real name. She’s excellent, as you know, and she has a good sense of humor, but let’s not push it.

    As for her pushing down on the pubic bone, you know darn well why that is done. To dull the mind screaming pain of the waxing rip. By the way, novices, the worst two places to get waxed on your body are over the pubic bone and under your arms. You can do other areas of the pubic, inside and out, but it’s just over that bone that really hurts.

    As I’ve told you before, Velvet, I know from “Sandra” that there’s a man who comes from Pennsylvania to have her wax his entire body. I highly recommend her skills. She uses top quality product, and this idiot who reported her should have her pubes up in the post office as a warning. At the very least Davidson’s Beauty Supply House.

    I started seeking out waxing in D.C. in the nineties, and you’re right. There was nothing. I finally started using an Iranian woman (no longer there) out of a dermatologist’s office off Dupont Circle. I have no idea where she went off to. She might not even be in the area anymore. I had such trouble before stumbling on that woman, I was ready to train it up to New York and go to the J Sisters: famous to the stars Brazilians. A signed picture, swear to God, of Gwyneth Paltrow saying “You saved my life.”

    So when my Iranian disappeared, I found “Sandra,” and I can’t praise her enough. Isn’t she the best?

    As for the cheap drinks. I’m moving. Let’s all move. D.C. East to the Beach.

  4. Velvet

    Jordan Baker – Ugh. I was so happy with that lady for the price and for the speed, but then when you realize she misses whole patches of hair, the price and speed stop being such great benefits. Then three times in a row she was over 30 minutes late, because she kept “squeezing” people in and I was like, “Okay. Fuck you. I’m not coming back.”

    Phil – I’m sure they could, but the worst part is that with Brazilian Keratin, you need to leave it on your hair for three days. I can only imagine the itch if you had to do it to the pubes. Those Brazilians…so crafty, always inventing things.

    Cube – Oh, I never give away the good secrets. Guy who cuts my hair won’t be revealed. I don’t want to be the customer they knew “way back when,” but still has to wait months to get in like the rest of the public, I want them to stay secret. To compensate for not giving out their name, I tip really well. Like 50% well. And it always pays off for me…I’ll reveal the secret bar to you though and meet you there for some drinks!

  5. Pook

    Laser those pubes off! So much easier.

  6. Velvet

    Pook – I thought of this at various times, but when I investigated, I heard that it then makes your vag very dry. I like the faucet-like system of mine now, so I would be afraid to mess with something that works so perfectly.

  7. Alice

    i am so torn… on the one hand, i desperately want to get waxed, and on the other hand, i’m more or less petrified to do it. (not even of the pain! although i’m sure that won’t be fun.)

    that said, as a waxing virgin – even *i* know you’re going to have hands all up in your bidness if you’re asking someone to REMOVE THE HAIR FROM YOUR VAG. poor sandra.

  8. LiLu

    Why on EARTH would you report someone?! That is so cowardly. If you think something’s amiss, just ask a question, or excuse yourself and ask a friend if that’s normal before you go messing with someone’s career. Asshats!

  9. Uncle Keith

    As always, your blog educates as well as entertains. You should replace Mr. Rogers on PBS…Velvet’s Neighborhood.

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