Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

I Read the News Today Oh Boy Part 3

X and I are running through the last weekends of our summer by going to the beach as much as possible. I do love that newspaper so much. When I wake up around 9:30, and X is returning home with bagels and the Cape Gazette, I’m giddy with excitement. Because I know, inside that cover, there will be many many things to laugh about.

There’s a new publishing firm out at the beach! Maybe I can get my life saga published by them. There are no words for this one…

There was also a sandcastle contest. Um…hopefully this isn’t your mom or your girlfriend.

And finally, a recipe for you to enjoy. Pay attention. I’d hate for you to pick up one fruit thinking it was another.


Fruit Recognition FAIL.


  1. Cyndy

    So do I have this right – in Delaware peach pie is identical to blueberry pie topped with corn flakes? And why is that woman trying to drink a sandcastle with a straw? It seems like it would be so much easier if she used a spoon. I’m so confused….

  2. Velvet

    Cyndy – X and I went grocery shopping after just to check all the signs in the produce section. You never know when they will rename common fruit on you. I want to stay up to date with the latest.

  3. LiLu

    Is she sucking or blowing?


  4. Phil

    Best sandcastle contest ever.

  5. Washington "Bone Dry" Cube

    Drainage! Drainage, Velvet! Drained dry, you girl! If you have a milkshake and I have a milkshake and I have a straw and my straw reaches across the room and starts to drink your milkshake. I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!

    I didn’t know blowing turrets could sound so dirty.

  6. Velvet

    LiLu – Someone once asked me, “Where does the blowing come in with a blowjob? Do you blow on it at some point.” Shame shame shame.

    Phil – It’s not your mom, is it? Bon’s girlfriend?

    Cubie – I would have thought you would be all over that pie! Stupid peach pie recipe. I wonder if anyone will notice and write a “letter to the editor” next week on that.

  7. Forgot What Alias I Was Going to Use

    These are great, but why only three? It’s like a tease, and I want the main event. Gimme more!

    “No vampire manuscripts please”

  8. Velvet

    Alias – Because I lost all the others from my collections over the weeks. Actually, I gave them to X to scan and he couldn’t get them scanned properly. So the Cape Gazette lets you access one paper online for free but then you have to start paying. Well, you know since I’m genetically hard-wired to not pay for something I can get for free, and I can create enough fake email addresses to last a lifetime, I can pull it off.

    There was a great picture of this black guy standing behind a bunch of 3rd graders and he was wearing a shirt that said something like, “It’s so good it should be ILLEGAL.” The inference there was just classic.

  9. Washington "I Keep Seeing Heat Thunder" Cube

    It’s probably some peach-blueberry thing. I was in line at Whole Foods last night, and it had been a long….and I do mean long hot day, and I had a ton of errands to do after work, and this was my last stop. There was a woman behind me, rake thin, tanned…and going off to this man with her about this crumb berry pie/cake thing she bought. I thought it looked VOM myself, but what do I know, and if I wasn’t so tired tonight, I’d write it out verbatim, but on and on about the importance right now of berry pie and the perfection of warm pie and putting one scoop, just one scoop mind you, but you had to have it, that scoop, of ice cream, and the melding of the ice cream and the pie. The cashier (from the Congo) and I just blank stared at each other while this was going on. You’re at that stage of the evening where you will either hit her with a bowling pin (another <iThere Will Be Blood reference) or just shove her face into it, or turn to the man and say, “Do you really want to fuck that?”

  10. Forgot What Alias I Was Going to Use

    Well, if you ever need help coming up with fake email addresses, you know you can always count on me. 🙂 lol

    Anyhoo, tell that Mr. X to stop hording the newspapers… I need my fix.

    Paid subscription to the paper: possible future Christmas gift from me? hahahaha

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