Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Category: Velvet the Animal Lover

Happy Birthday Thora!

Well, I really did it this time. I made that bacon cake and had a little party for Thora with a couple of her little neighborhood doggie friends.   I haven’t managed to keep a goldfish, hamster or chinchilla alive anywhere near their expected lifespan. So this? Thora’s 10th Birthday? This is a big deal.

Last year I bought her a cake from one of those fancy dog places. Twenty bucks down the garbage chute. She hated it. I couldn’t even carve into it. I think they tried to pass off a week-old cake on me. It was gross. Even Sammy wouldn’t eat it, and that is rare. Sammy has never met a morsel of food that he didn’t like.

This year I wanted to make her a cake. I googled and found recipes, but this one sounded the best:

Bacon Chicken Layer Cake

3 cups flour
1 T Baking Powder
1/2 cup Margarine
6 eggs
1/2 cup corn oil
2 jars strained chicken baby food
2 cups shredded carrots (I didn’t use these)
plain or vanilla yogurt (I used cream cheese)
2-3 strips Bacon fried crisp (I used the whole package, 14 strips)

Mix everything together except the yogurt/cream cheese and bacon, beat for 2 minutes, put in two 8 inch rounds and bake at 325 for 60 minutes.

When the cake cools, frost it with the yogurt or cream cheese, and layer bacon in between the tiers. Yum yum.


The dogs, by the way, will look like this during this step:


Then you put the top part on to the bacon and cream cheesed part and frost the rest. Then you can have some fun with it.


I used Puperoni sticks for candles. But obviously I didn’t light them.

When we unveiled the cake, X said I should just put it in front of her. So I did. She went for the Puperoni stick first.   Then she went after the “T” in Thora. Ted helped.


The other dogs, my Sammy and Ester’s Dudley, were both rapt with their marrow bones, and didn’t realize “cake-gate 2009” was happening just a few steps from them.


So we cut some pieces off for Sammy and Dudley and let them share in the cake goodness. X’s human kids, Number 1 and Number 2 thought they were going to get to try the Bacon Cake. But they renegged when they heard “baby food” as an ingredient.

After her plate of meat and her bacon cake, and her new presents, Thora was sufficiently pooped. Too tired to move. Poor baby.


Happy Birthday my little Princess!


In other dog news: Homeward Bound is doing another adoption at PetSmart this week in Potomac Yard. Today from 3-6, Saturday 10-6 and Sunday 10-5. Come rescue a dog instead of going to a breeder! Mutts and strays need love too!

Details here!

Doggie Adoption Sunday!

Holly and the Homeward Bound Crew are coming up here with doggies this weekend!

Sunday October 26, 2008 at the PetSmart in Potomac Yard, 3351 Jefferson Davis Highway, Arlington, VA 22305. Their phone is (703) 739-4844.

They are bringing about 30 dogs ranging in age from 9 weeks to 3 years. All dogs are spayed/neutered, current to age on vaccines, dewormed, heartworm negative and started on monthly flea and tick preventative.

The adoption fee is $250, cash only.

All animals can be viewed on

They also desperately need volunteers! Please email and let them know if you can volunteer.   This is where I’ll be because despite my type-A, “take no shit from no one” personality, Holly has been bossing me around like her little bitch ever since we waited tables in that sports bar in Connecticut in 1998 and she was running my food and fell on her ass. Apparently that was my fault, because I watched her fall and didn’t offer to help because I was very very busy talking to some beast of a man with a shaved head and a ton of tattoos. (Hello? It was Connecticut in the late 90’s. What did you expect?) I didn’t get a tip from that table, and Holly had fish sticks in her hair and we took it next door to the Villa where we battled it out until some drunkard fell off his barstool, but on the way down said, “You two should wrestle it out. I’ll get the blender and make some jello!”

See you there, bitches.

Homeward Bound Needs a Hand

In an effort to keep your attention pointed toward things that matter when it comes to animals, I’m plugging Homeward Bound again. Actually, Holly came up with a great idea and since I’m all about helping animal groups WHO CARE SELFLESSLY (cough, Friendship, cough, stupid WHS blog) here you go.

Dogs available for adoption live at their kennel if there aren’t any foster homes available. You know, much like children in an orphanage. What? It’s true! Anyway, so the dogs cannot have toys and treats because they are pack animals and will become aggressive. They only get a towel to sleep on. Trust me, I thought this was mean, but it’s what the group has to do to ensure everyone’s safety – dog and human.

So they have found an alternative to the towel. They are getting the dogs real beds. Well, they look more like cots, but still. If you can help, it would be greatly appreciated. A bed would be optimal, but if you cannot afford the $48 – $52 for it, then click the donate button on their website.

Doggie beds sold here. Any size will work. Select “Homeward Bound Pet Rescue Inc – Ellijay, GA” in the drop down box.

As always, the doggies thank you!

Friday Goes to the Dogs

Yesterday I received a letter soliciting donations from one Washington Humane Society. Do you know what I did with that letter? The same thing I do with all their solicitations. I ripped it in half and threw it in the trash.

You may be scratching your chin right now and saying to yourself, “But you love animals! You have two doggies who are the loves of your life.” And you would be right. However. There’s always a however with me. I never tie this up in two short paragraphs, do I?

However. Last fall when my wonderful friend Holly from Homeward Bound came to D.C. from Atlanta with an animal caravan, there was one dog left which I kept with me to find it a home. A lady had been very interested, but was afraid to separate the dog from her brother. I kept the dog in the hopes of finding this lady, which I eventually did.

However. In the interim of finding that lady, I emailed the chick writing the Washington Humane Blog asking if she would be so kind as to post the dogs profile to help me find it a home.

She said no.

No I’m not kidding.

She fucking said no.

Why? Because she “only blogs about dogs currently in their shelter.”

Okay, so, you work for a rescue group, but you are still self-serving for your own agenda? You can find justification in telling me to go fly a kite, that my foster dog doesn’t count? What if I just dropped it off at your shelter? Then would you blog about it? Christ.

Then I clicked on their crap in the live feed and saw this. So you can’t post about a foster dog who needs a home because you “don’t handle dogs not in your shelter” but you can post about your CO-WORKER’S lost dog and yet that somehow qualifies under your rule structure?

Give me a break lady. Seriously. Take the Wash Humane name off of it and just make it a personal blog. Then you can blog on wherever the wind blows. But once you purport to be doing the mission of Washington Humane, then all your public actions must follow suit.


I Hurt

It doesn’t matter that I hit the gym five days a week, those dogs kicked my ass today. Being in the sun, answering the same questions over and over and walking dogs is hard! HARD! Holly I have no idea how you do this every Saturday and Sunday.

Homeward Bound Pet Rescue of Georgia link. If you see a dog you want – now, later, ever, please let them (or me) know -we will arrange for transport of this dog so it can find its new home with you. The pet overpopulation problem in Georgia is horrendous, and there are so many animals euthanized each week. Help them. Please. If you can’t or don’t want to adopt a pet, please consider a donation. (Click the donate button on above link.) Any amount helps.

Now, I must thank you kids who showed up to help:

Ninja – who had the cutest puppy dumped off at his house at 2 a.m. Saturday night and he still didn’t adopt her;

Momentary Academic – who hawked the puppies as hard as she could because she knew that if they didn’t get adopted she would be taking them home herself;

Hammer – who walked dogs and then got attached…waiting around much longer than he had planned to see the final disposition of Zeke and Zoe;

Sixes and Sevens – who kept emptying her pockets of cash to the donation boxes and who set up her own outpost at the end to hawk the dogs who weren’t getting as many visitors;

E, BMW and Darla – who came, walked dogs, and helped me try (unsuccessfully) to talk Ninja out of adopting a small dog, because, as BMW can attest, walking a small dog encourages men to fog up their windows and invite you in for mimosas. Because they wanna be your friennnnd.

The overall opinion from the Homeward Bound folks was that Alexandria was a wonderful place for this adoption. They spent Friday and Saturday in New Jersey and adopted 7 and 10 dogs respectively, out of a total 31. This left them with 14 dogs to bring to Alexandria for Sunday. And today, with the help of the above animal lovers, 9 dogs found homes. NINE! That is awesome. They were going to return to Georgia tonight with 5 dogs, but, oops, I plucked one off the truck…because she just looks so much like my Thora.

I know. You don’t have to tell me. I’m an idiot. I’ll just keep stuffing dogs in my condo like sausages. Who’s gonna yell at me? The Condo Board President? Ha…that dumb bitch…


Does anyone want a dog?

Dogs Coming From Georgia!!!


Homeward Bound, a no-kill rescue group located in Georgia is holding a dog adoption on Sunday November 11th at PetSmart – Potomac Yard. 3351 Jefferson Davis Highway. 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.

They are bringing about 30 dogs ranging in age from 9 weeks to 6 years old. All of the dogs are spayed / neutered, current to age on vaccines, dewormed, heartworm negative and started on monthly flea and heartworm preventative.

The adoption fee is $200 per dog, cash only.

All animals can be viewed at (click available pets, then check them out!)

Even if you cannot adopt an animal, we still need your help!!! Volunteers are needed to help set up the cages and put water bowls in for the dogs, and volunteers are needed throughout the day to help walk dogs and talk to prospective new parents.

If you have any questions or want any further information, please leave a comment here or email homeward @ and ask Holly any questions you have.

Finally, this rescue group runs solely on donations. If you can make a donation, please email homeward @ for information on how to do so, or come out on Sunday to see the dogs and dedication of these ladies who are driving up from Georgia to bring dogs to our area.

Duel To the Death

The two Michael Vick posts continue to generate comments. What this proves is that this is still such a serious and emotional issue that people can’t and won’t let go. Good. And they shouldn’t. I’m tired of the animals being forgotten about as this country moves on to the next newsworthy thing. May this Michael Vick news continue to trump Harry Potter, Lindsey Lohan’s imminent jail time and Posh and Becks moving to the states.

I don’t think you have to be an animal lover to acknowledge that what has gone on here is disgusting and that the perps need to be punished. I spent a mind numbing hour watching Nancy Grace discuss this topic Thursday night and of course someone compares this to the Kobe Bryant case. Good god people, can you be any stupider? A quick take at the facts:

1) Whatever happened in Bryant’s hotel room remains unknown. Did a crime occur there? Was the girl raped or was she just a starfucker? Who knows. Who cares really. You go up to a guy’s hotel room you dumb cunt, and you’re asking for it. Women’s rights advocates be damned.

2) Did a crime occur at the house of Michael Vick. Absofuckinglutely. There is NO QUESTION that a crime occurred. The question becomes, who is responsible and how will they be punished?

While I hate Nancy Grace for her dramatics and still owe her a letter from the “Velvet reminds you that two ugly people should not reproduce so why the fuck are you knocked up” file, she made a good point. One of the guys indicted will no doubt turn on the rest and rat out. There is no honor among thieves.

Now, all that said, has anyone ever seen a dog fight? Not necessarily the ones that go on in the underground here in D.C. or Baltimore (yes, they do, get your head out of your ass) but just any dog fight anywhere? I have. I’ve been in the middle of one so bad I had blood all over me. But, I had to save my little Thora, who was attacked by a mixed breed aggressive dog with a spotty history. Fight details in a minute.

There is no such thing as a bad dog. Do you all get that? It is worth repeating. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A BAD DOG. There are only bad owners. Write it down, make it your screensaver and tattoo it on your forehead. When a puppy is born, he has the same chance as any other dog to become aggressive or submissive, a good housepet or a good guard dog, depending on the environment. Dogs are products of their environment because that is all they know. Keep a dog separated from people and other animals and don’t socialize it? It will be shy or aggressive. Beat the dog, tie it up outside with no food or water? Food aggression. Train it to fight and it becomes a fighter. Take it into your home, love it, feed it and make it part of your family and it will be a great dog. Got it? But that defense only applies to dogs. Not people. So stop saying “Michael Vick is a product of his environment.” He has a brain, and he’s an adult, and he made these decisions his own damn self.

All right. So the fight. A few months back Thora is laying in the grass (but on a leash) at my friend’s apartment complex in Phoenix and a dog gets out of its leash and jumps on her. What happens next is a 10 minute, grueling dog fight that just won’t fucking stop. I got on top of the other dog and grabbed it from around the neck. Its owner is yelling (from 10 feet away mind you) to pull my dog by the leash to separate them. Bitch, your dog’s teeth are THROUGH THORA’s fucking forehead. How am I going to do that without hurting my dog? There really was no breaking this up – not without two people. Until my 9 month pregnant friend heard the commotion and came running out to help me, this fight was not going to end.

All of us covered in blood, my friend, Thora and I went back to her house to clean her up. Her ear was almost torn off, and she had cuts on her head and neck. She winced in pain for several days and we couldn’t get a collar around her neck. Dog fights can be vicious, and you can’t reason with a dog to stop fighting. They don’t understand that.

Sidenote for what I learned during all this: The proper way to treat dog bites both on humans and on dogs is surprisingly to not stitch them up. It is very important to let the infection drain.

The proper way to break up a dog fight requires two people. I was wrong to grab that other dog in a choke hold because it could have bitten me, but without the other owner helping me, and with Thora in peril, I just couldn’t think of anything but my baby. The real way to break a fight, if you see one, is for each person to grab the hind legs of one of the dogs and pulls them apart until they can no longer engage in the fight due to the lack of mobility. Turn the dogs 180 degrees in a semi circle away from the other dog so each is facing the opposite way. Leash them up or otherwise restrain them until you can get them completely separated.

To repeat that dogs are true reflections of their environments is an understatement. Thora was losing that fight and she wasn’t giving up. Thora also doesn’t start fights, but if she ends up in them, she goes for the count. Exactly like her mama.

Thora on right.

Back to Vick. To blame this on pit bulls being a “bad and aggressive” breed is just naive. These dogs are not aggressive by nature. No dog is. It is how they are treated which makes them aggressive. To make this an issue of race, also stupid. People! Stop crying the race card for christsakes. It’s getting fucking old already.

At the Washington Humane Society, you cannot adopt a pit bull. The Pits that are picked up off the street must wait 7 days for an owner to reclaim them, then are destroyed. This is an outrage. It isn’t just the the fact that Vick allegedly had this dogfighting ring, he was also a breeder! A fucking breeder! This man was forcing dogs to breed, not spaying or neutering them, and sending them to a life of violence. Apparently his “breeder’s card” was revoked. Whatever. Like anyone needs a license to breed dogs. Breeding dogs is irresponsible people, so fix your fucking pets and stop with this crap about “oh he’s so cute, let’s let him have babies.” Vick’s former website,, is now down. Yeah. Like he wasn’t up to something illegal…

An animal that has a miserable life and a torturous death is an animal who came in contact with the wrong human being. There are no bad dogs. Only bad owners.

Fuck You Michael Vick. I Hope You Die, Part Deux

First, my homestate is the best. I love you Connecticut, for being all progressive. Though, I’ll never move back. Sorry about that. I gots too many tattoos and you gots too many yuppies and nouveaux riche.

So, Peta sent me an email. They said, “Thanks Velvet for your support. Because of your action and those of more than 263,000 others who contacted the NFL through our campaign, the league yesterday ordered Vick to stay out of training camp.”

Good. But Peta wants us to do more.

The Humane Society is demanding he be dropped by Nike. Sign the petition! I have to agree. As a runner, I already pay too much money for sneakers. I don’t want the extra money I pay to go to this slimebucket piece of shit, trashy motherfucker.

Just a hint: You only need provide first and last name and email address. So, let’s say for instance that Sammy and Thora had their own email address…well, they can sign the petition too. So they did.

How Much is That Dog in the Window?

Sammy might be the most narcissistic dog in the world. He does love himself. I’ve known this for some time. I regularly catch him staring at himself in the mirror.

“Hot damn you are a hot doggie! Wanna makeout?”

My friend rescues dogs. Every time I go to her house, I never know what kind or how many dogs I will find there. This time, Sammy bonded with one of her 8 dogs.


Sammy is on the left. His new girlfriend Annie is on the right. They stayed on the deck the entire time, just staring, waiting for something to move in the woods so they could go kill it. This is true love I think.


Want to know what Annie’s face looks like? I know you can’t wait.

You can’t tell the difference really, except that my dog is the one who is always eating. He gets that from his grandpa (my dad) and his own dad (my ex.)

How did I know that if my narcissistic dog ever found a girlfriend, she would look just like him?







Help Barkley Find a Home!

Steadily alternating posts between boys and dogs here at Velvet in Dupont. Though, back in the heyday of my dating, it certainly was hard to tell the difference between the men I dated and dogs. Oh, wait, no it wasn’t. Dogs are loyal. Ha. I kill me.

In Esther news, I did see her last night at the dog park and she is doing well. Angus was her life, and she said she has had some very rough times, but she is getting through it. And all your well wishes helped too, so thank you for that.

Other doggie news ~ Barkley needs a home. My friend Giggles has found out that a friend of his has a dog who, due to a change in living arrangements, is now homeless. Because the dog is a pit bull, any shelter that takes the dog will immediately put it down. Remember, there are no bad dogs, only bad owners. Pits got a very undeserved reputation because of the people who bought and bred them. Barkley is 18 months, housebroken and all shots and meds are taken care of. If you are interested in meeting him, please email me at velvetindupont at yahoo and I can get you in touch with Jackie. Here are some pictures!! And no, that’s not me in the pics.


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