Category: Velvet in Dupont (Page 11 of 11)

Um. I’m uh, at a loss. Here’s where we’re at.

Thursday I ignored MotorcycleInstructor’s call. Then Friday morning he called a couple times, but I called back too late for his lunch invitation. So I went to the doctor to find out my thyroid is all nutty, and he asked me to call him when I left the doctor. I call, tell him what they think, then my boss called and I said I had to click over. I called back after, but never heard back from him all night. I also sent a text message later on in the evening. Ok. Point taken. Guess I’m not the only one who can play games. BUT, I AM the only one in this “relationship” who is Greek, and that allows me the ability to be stubborn and tough as nails. Katalavenis? (It’s “understand?” in Greek. Duh.)

This morning he called, and since I stared at it but didn’t actually answer it, he had to leave a voicemail. He said “Babe! Where have you been? I haven’t heard from you, call me back.” WTF? WTF? WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!? I call back and we start to get into a pissing match about who called who. When I put him on the spot, he develops a stomach cramp and puts me on hold. A STOMACH CRAMP? That’s the fucking best you can do? Christ. It would have been more believable if he said he was being mugged and they were stealing his phone. Or like in Pee Wee Herman when he calls home and the girl says “Maybe when you come back we can go out?” And he blows all this air into the phone and says they have a bad connection. Now, that would have been funnier.

Then he has to load the bikes in the truck, so he says he’ll call back in 5 minutes. I said, “Yeah, we’ll see.” He promised he would. Do you know how many times 5 minutes passed? 12. A full hour. Then I sent a text message, fuming at this point that said “Five Minutes my ass. You are treading on thin ice.” He wrote back and said, “Maybe.” I’m done playing games. Back on the personals. Gotta find more dirt for the blog.

They really only survive in my world for like, 2 weeks, don’t they? Again, all of this should have occured AFTER I GOT MY MOTORCYCLE LICENSE.

Now, last night was positively crazy. I had more alcohol in the evening than I ever have before. Sara and I were counting how much we drank, and we lost count. I think I had 7 or 8 beers. I never drink that much. I’ve also never said the words “I never drink so much” as many times as I have in the past few weeks. I think there’s more drinking tonight for Dana’s birthday. Happy Birthday Dana!

I had a very long conversation about MotorcycleInstructor last night and again today. Last night, Helen gave me some great advice about men and love in general, then I went to bed and read more in The Art of Seduction, then today I talked to my therapist for almost an hour. Here are my thoughts:

Helen said that whatever tone a relationship has in the beginning is the tone that is set for the duration. If MotorcycleInstructor is chasing me now, let him continue to be the pursuer. So I said, “Ok, so like, if he calls I shouldn’t pick up tonight and just let him wonder where I am?” She said that was the right idea – to not be too available. Ok. Got it.

Then I read more in The Art of Seduction – a fabulous book. I am almost at the end and while most of the book pertains to winning people over, the last few chapters are about the actual act of seduction. The most important thing I learned is exactly what Helen had just told me. Men want to be the pursuer. They see it as a challenge. They think if they have to try hard to obtain you, then you are truly worth having. (Duh.) The interesting caveat to this is when they slack off in their pursuit, usually the woman steps it up and then become the pursuer. This is unattractive to the male and he backs off at this point in time. I am so loving this idea right now. Of course this is a stupid game, but I think about it like this. When some pursues me, I end up reciprocating the feeling if I like them. And I want to show that they don’t have to do all the calling, planning of dates etc. Apparently this reciprocal behavior is incorrect. I ignored MotorcycleInstructor’s call last night and decided to play this one a little smarter.

So therapist today. I tell her what I’m up to, including the above stuff about reciprocation, not being available all the time, not always having good answers for where I’ve been (“I had lunch with a friend.”) She said that it seems like I have been played by a bunch of men and now I’m going to get them back. Funny. It might be a game, but damn it is it fun. She also said that it’s not my style to play games like this or pretend I’m not interested. Again, it’s a good experiment.

This morning MotorcycleInstructor called again and left another message, but I was out walking Sammy (the love of my life) and didn’t take the phone. I called back, but then he said he was sick and he would call me later, which he did, a few times. Then he called me at 8 and I was at the gym and didn’t take my phone. I called back and then he said he would call me later on tonight. Should I ignore it again? I’m killing myself right now. I’m going to make him crazy. Again, it goes without saying that all of this should be occurring AFTER I get my motorcycle license. Too late.

So sorry I didn’t update yesterday. A friend called me this morning to see if I was ok, since there was no blog update. So sorry to all my fans. I’ll try to never do it again.

Ok, here we go. R called yesterday. I sent him to voicemail. Then called back and got voicemail, woo hoo! So I left a message. Then he called back and I sent him to voicemail again because I didn’t know what to say. Last night MotorcycleInstructor came over and I just didn’t feel like dealing with the R thing.

MotorcycleInstructor left this morning, but not before he took his glass of tea and the chips he was eating back to the kitchen. I found the glass in the sink, the chips rolled up on the counter and my jaw on the floor. I’ve never had a man try that hard. Usually I spend 15 minutes cleaning up after them. So, ok, he’s doing quite well.

Email this morning from R asking real estate questions, but then says this: “Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. What I really want to know is when can I meet Sammy?” So I write back an atrociously long email answering his questions about the real estate thing, then I say this: “Now, regarding Sammy, who is shedding all over my house as we speak. I was going to call you back last night but I didn’t feel well (still feeling faint and dizzy) because this is something I would have much rather told you over the phone. I have been dating someone that just kicked into the next step and we decided on Sunday that we’re going to stop dating other people. I’m of course taking all this day by day. I’ve been single a loooooooong time.”

Then I get this back from him:

Hey,
Thanks for the advice, and good luck with the someone. My status has also been iffy of late, so I suppose this makes things simpler. But do stay in touch–I’m happy to know you in any capacity. Really.
R

That’s pretty nice, don’t you think? I was impressed.

Scorecard:
Uh, zero. Well, one. I have MotorcycleInstructor. Everyone else seems to have gone away. HarleyRider hasn’t called. The other guy from the hotel bar hasn’t called. R’s now out of the picture and the other Jeff from Match.com I was emailing seems to have been eaten by wolves in Bolivia or wherever his job sent him for these past few weeks. But you know what? I’m ok with this. I like the attention I’m getting (it’s a lot of attention) and I’m content. For the moment.

MotorcycleInstructor came over last night. Hee hee hee. Actually, we had plans to get together last night, but the night got away from both of us (dinner and drinks with BestGuyFriend-M, Blondie & Boston for me, meeting for him.) So it’s 9:00 and we’re talking about getting together but he has to be at BWI (Baltimore Airport for those of you not in the know on the local crap) at 11:00 to pick up his friend. He’s in Takoma Park and he says he’s thinking about how he can come see me to just say hi and give me a few kisses before he has to go. I’m “very busy” at this point watching all my old 80’s heavy metal hair band videos searching for evidence of motorcycles that I can get ideas from.

He came to me, needless to say. I’m so lazy. We were laying on my bed and he was kissing my neck, but I was looking up at the TV, and he caught me! (“Baaaaaby, it’s Great White!”) He was like, “I can’t believe that I came all the way here for you to keep your eyes on the TV.” Sigh, I know.

Today we talked and he mentioned he hired some guy to help him do the classes on the weekends. I asked if he was hot. It’s a normal question. The answer I got was this: “Are you trying to get yourself punched in the nose?” I said, “Hey, you never said I couldn’t date other people.” He said he was going to remember that. I’m sure he will.

The past few days of 80’s heavy metal videos revisited will be evident in my titles for days to come. Enjoy!

It’s come to my attention via the comments that there are possibly some readers of this blog who stumbled across me by accident, and who are not known to me. This is FABULOUS! I am very excited, but can one of the anonymous posters let me know how they found me? I’m dying to know.

On to my life: Uh oh.

I’ve resolved to stop with the games and just let myself be swallowed into the whirlwind that is MotorcycleInstructor. So this morning, while he’s teaching about a dozen people how to maneuver their motorcycles around the lot, he sent me a text message. “Good Morning Baby.” We sent a bunch of messages back and forth, then I had to head up to College Park to go to IKEA. I asked him if he needed anything because it is like 105 out there today. So he calls me and says, “Will you come by and say hi?” So I did. And this guy who was actually in my class was there practicing and he’s like, “What are you doing here?” I’m not that slick, as well all know, and not quick on my feet. So I made some stuff up about having a question. MotorcycleInstructor came down to say hi and sat in the car with me for a few minutes. You know, he left all those people up there to ride around on their own. It’s gotta make you think about just how into me he is.

Anyway, we’ve had a few conversations today and will probably see each other tonight. I want Sara to meet him. He is wonderful. I don’t know why I’m playing such games with him. Of course I won’t disappoint you all and put another halt to the dating life, but, I don’t want to mess this up either. It will be a delicate, tricky balance.

Eating dinner with BestGuyFriend-M. Hopefully something Indian. I’m craving curry.

It is so freaking hot outside that I’ve been dizzy and faint for two days.

Today MotorcycleInstructor and I spent the day trading phone calls and text messages. Then tonight I sent him a text message asking for his email because I wanted to forward something from Harley to him. He wrote back, “No.” I wrote back, “Well fuck you then.” Then my phone started ringing and my text message inbox started beeping. He called me a couple times in a row, and left a voicemail. I checked the text first. It said that he was kidding. Then I listened to the voicemail and it was like, “Baby, I was only kidding. And you have my email on my card. But I’m sorry.”

Sorry? Holy crap. I’m really putting this poor guy through the ringer. Penny, in not so many words said that I’m treating him like I’ve been treated by other men. Perhaps she’s right. I need to stop with the games.

This morning MotorcycleInstructor called. He said, “Ok, I get it. You want me to lay off.” I was about to walk into a meeting so I really couldn’t get into it like I wanted. I like him, I just want him to slow the hell down a little. When Sammy (the love of my life) had a rash the other day, he was insistent that it was a hotspot. But I took him to the vet anyway. MotorcycleInstructor called later and asked and when I said “You were right, it was just a hotspot” he said, “Baby, I don’t know why you can’t just let me take care of you.” Um. What? I said, “I’ve been alone for a long long time.”

R and I went to see a movie tonight at the Independent film theatre on 11th and E. We saw the Grizzly Man movie. It was hilarious. Yes, I know that stupid son of a bitch gets eaten by a bear, but he is just so wacky that it makes it totally worth watching. And damn are the fox cute. I’m even more anti-fur now.

I dragged R to Mercury so he could meet the gang. Dana did an up and down and said, “No Way.” Boston sent me a text message that said he thought R was cute. Blondie did most of the talking with him but I don’t know what he thinks. Blondie likes everyone anyway. BestGuyFriend-M, when I called him, said, “I’m asleep now, let’s talk about it tomorrow.” Nice husband you are! My take is that I have no chemistry with him. Zero. Didn’t want him to touch me, put his arm around me, couldn’t even fake a kiss at the end. Two dates with no kiss. Think he gets it?

Now, what lesson have we learned here? Well, I’ll tell you because you probably don’t know. Pay attention. When you have a zit on your cheek that has a huge whitehead on it, you should pop it. Not me, by the way…him. I feel bad for even saying that, but then again, I shouldn’t have to say it at all. It’s just something you know – like, not leaving the bathroom with toilet paper hanging off your shoe.

Here’s my scorecard:

Motorcycle Instructor: Still in the running.
R: Probably not in the running any longer.
Guy from the hotel bar: Hasn’t called yet. I’m still hopeful.
HarleyRider from It’s Just Lunch: Hasn’t called either. Not that hopeful.
A new guy, Jeff, from match.com: Still in emailing frenzy. Looks good. Could replace R since I seem to have an opening…..

My prospects, while there are a bunch, are bleak. I need to get back online. I’m going to reactivate my profile on Yahoo and see what I can rustle up.

And by the way, both fake profiles have been deleted. I’m out of the game. There’s a great ending to the BoyFace story. Can you see it? No? Oh. How about now? Let’s face it, losing his profile and email was probably traumatic enough. So, who has the last laugh now?

Wow am I drunk. Sara and I went out for “one beer” tonight. We got in there and there was the hottest guy sitting there, and Sara (go girl!) just started talking to him. One drink turned into a huge night of festivities, and we had an awesome time. And I have that dude’s number, Thanks Sara!!! He said he’ll go pick up my Harley for me. Love it. Could I be throwing another one into the mix? This is hilarious. Oh, and R called me while I was there at the bar. I had no signal so I wasn’t able to talk. I’ll have to call him back tomorrow.

As my dating increases in speed and frequency, I have got to put a rest to this BoyFace thing. Here are the email exchanges that have occured with Jackie, who was thrown on the back burner since he used all his emotion to reply to Diane today. He finally answered her late this afternoon.

From Tuesday night:
Hi BoyFace,
I got your message but there wasn’t a profile attached to it. If I respond to that will you get the message? I don’t trust Yahoo anyway, I have tried to log in at times and it says my password is changed and I know I typed it right. Hopefully you can get your stuff back. And hopefully you didn’t lose out on too many lucky ladies who were waiting to hear from you! 🙂
Sure we can try to hang out again. I figured you weren’t that interested when I didn’t hear back from you but we can meet up for a beer if you still want.
JJ

Hi!
I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to write back sooner. This week has been crazy, between work and having the yahoo stuff deleted. I hope you’re having a better week than me, but I just saw what you wrote in your profile about things you’ve noticed in the personals. Has everything been going ok with the Yahoo thing? I’m really sorry that we missed eachother this weekend. I actually had to leave work early on Friday and missed your reply. Otherwise I would’ve loved to hang out on Saturday. 🙂 Did you try to call on Friday? I would still love to meet up sometime if you feel like it. Talk to you soon… BoyFace

Hi, So what happened with your email and all? I see that your profile isn’t back. Are you going to put it back up or not bother? I changed my profile to spell out things that annoy me, but it really hasn’t done a lot of good. Apparently these men are incapable of writing anything original to me. Don’t you hate that? I hate when someone can’t write something original, and it’s an email that they have sent to a bunch of other girls. But it is going well otherwise. I’ve met a lot of very nice people. Work has been crazy too. I had to sit in on a hearing this morning and the conversation got really heated and one of the attorneys threw a binder across a table and the rings in the binder opened when it was in flight and all the papers were strewn all over another attorney. They were not pleased. It got really ugly. I didn’t get a chance to call you because I left my cell phone on the metro and I haven’t done a thing yet about getting a new one. I need to wait until I get paid next week to get another. I’m helping my sister with her college tuition bill and it’s really sapped me of my extra income. Anyway, I could meet up on Saturday afternoon if you want. Or I could probably do Sunday early to mid afternoon as well. Let me know. Jackie J

Hi,
It looks like I lost everything in my profile so I decided not to bother with it any more. I think I can still use this email, but I think I’ll just set up a new one and let this go too. I’m sorry things with the other guys on Yahoo are bad. On your profile you said ‘Stalker’? I can see what you mean if someone keeps writing and they can’t take the hint, but how do you know that they are sending you the same thing that they send everyone else? I wouldn’t know if someone sent me the same email that she sends to a bunch of other guys. I guess sometimes when you talk to different people and everybody ends up asking the same questions, I can see how people repeat what we’ve probably already told other people. I try not to say the same things, but I probably have a few times, about where I’m from or what I do or what I like doing. I guess I’d rather repeat myself a little when I’m first getting to know someone than lie to them. That hearing sounds crazy. I’m glad you didn’t get hurt, and I’m surprised it didn’t get physical after the binder got thrown. Sorry you left your cell phone on the metro. Can people still get in touch with you? Have you tried calling it? Hope you’re having a good day. Talk to you soon. B

Hi,
I just got home from “one drink” with some friends. It’s now almost 1 a.m. So, either I worked late and still had that one drink, or I’ve been drinking all night. Wanna take a guess at that?

Stalker was a poor choice of words perhaps, but I have had a lot of guys send two and three messages. I really try to answer them all, but whatever my answer is (Dude! Raleigh is too far!) then they always have a comeback, it doesn’t get rid of them. So I stopped answering. And that made it worse, because a bunch of men keep writing. I have received over 300 emails and icebreakers since I signed up not even two weeks ago. I just can’t answer everyone.

And you would know if someone sent the same email to you that they sent to a bunch of people. It’s long and really detailed about them, and they try to put one or two sentences about you in there.

I turned the number on my cell off temporarily. We’ll see. I can’t get it back right now, the phones I like are like $200!! Holy hell!

The hearing was nuts. I couldn’t believe it was happening. I don’t think the attorney meant for that to happen, but he didn’t even try to say he was sorry! That made it worse. I was only part of the arbitration team, so I don’t know either parties, nor do they work at my firm.

I hope I make it to work tomorrow. Darn it.

JACKIE J

More quotes from Karma Chameleon. It’s a spot-on song for this occasion. (Love the Brits.)

Well, BoyFace wrote back to Diane. He’s ignoring Jackie though, and she sent a very sweet message to him that she would like to still meet up. Poor Jackie. Cast to the side because she’s no longer a challenge. Here’s his highly charged, emotional response to Diane:

On 08/10/2005 10:21 am EDT, BoyFace wrote:
D,I’m not sure who you are talking about (your friend “knows someone” that I’m using the same material on? what material?).
I never said that I didn’t see your message because someone hacked my profile. I said I had to leave work early on Friday. When you emailed back to me and said you wanted to meet on Saturday, I had already left. I didn’t see it until Monday.
And I didn’t have any other way to get in touch with you. That’s why I gave you my cell phone number. And if you had a bad instinct about me already, why did you want to meet me? It never seemed when we were talking that you had already decided that you didn’t trust me.
On Monday afternoon, Yahoo TOLD me that my profile, my email and all of my messages had been hacked into and deleted. Why would I make that up and then try to get back in touch with you? Because I’m a ‘liar or a loser’? And why do you think that ‘I would have to piss someone off to get hacked’? The people at Yahoo said it happens to users all of the time.
I’m really sorry that I missed your message on Friday and that you don’t trust me and think I’m a liar. I’m not sure what that is about or who these people are that claim to know me and have the same conversations. It’s too bad, because I would have really liked meeting you. BoyFace

So he’s taken a hit to his ego. Good. And Diane is out of the picture. But we still have little Jackie to torture him, send him all around town and be a thorn in his side.

Now, in MY news… MotorcycleInstructor has not stopped calling me. I’ve like, obtained an insta-boyfriend. How this happened I have no clue. There’s already talk (all on his part, mind you) of me and other guys and fishing around about it. When I think the calls are done, it’s like, “Call me when you are in bed.” It’s hard to go from being totally solitary and happy about that to having this instant relationship in my life. Trying to scale it back, but, Christ, there’s the phone. He’s calling now. Ok, so I’m talking and writing. Fab.

No call from HarleyRider and R (the one I’m not sure of) but I did get an email from someone on match today who I was writing to last week. So perhaps I’ve thrown another one in the mix – Brian. He’s really damn good looking. Gotta keep it rolling, I have a blog to write. “I’m a journalist now.”

Thanks Sara for making the connection that BoyFace is like a Chameleon – he changes his tune and his colors to match whatever the girl he’s talking to is saying so that she is blinded into thinking that they have a lot in common. It made us sing Karma Chameleon, and then read the lyrics, and there you have today’s title.

Now, a lot of you have been asking for the ability to make comments. I have turned the comment button on. Just sign them so we know who is writing what. And be nice (Holly!!)

On to my life.

Diane wrote back to BoyFace. This saga is officially history:

Sure. I believe you. Someone “hacked” into your profile and you never saw my message. If you are even telling the truth, which I doubt, then you must have really pissed someone off. Which tells me that my instincts are right, and something is not right with you.

For your information, I was telling a friend of mine on Friday about our possible date on Saturday. She’s pretty careful about these internet things and suggested I give her as much information as possible. Imagine my surprise when she said that another friend of hers is also conversing with you and apparently you use a lot of the same material. Funny that this would happen, but just in time for me. You saved me from wasting any more time with you, allowed me to continue on with other more promising prospects and placed yourself into the category where 95% of the online men belong: LOSERS & LIARS.

************************************************************************************
The little mofo won’t be able to figure out which of his many girls it is, and he certainly can’t start asking around because how the hell would he do that? “Uh, hello Amanda, do you have a friend that I’m also trying to use the same lines on?”

Now, Jackie has to come back with something and then it’s done. Promise. I still think Jackie should try to meet him out somewhere.

In other news…I woke up to a bunch of text messages from MotorcycleInstructor. They include “Can’t stop thinking about you this morning” and “I had a really good time last night and can’t wait to do it again.” How do I find these people that come on so strong? Then he called me and was like, “What are you doing?” I was home working, as usual. He said he was coming by and he did. We ate lunch downstairs in the Internet Cafe, then hung out upstairs, played kissy face for a little bit, then he left. At one point I said that we probably should have waited to get involved until after I was done with the class and the test. He just started laughing at me. No clue why. Sounds like a smart idea now, but I jump in with both feet first so what the hell do I know. At least the guard is still up. I’m not letting myself get swept away with any of this madness.

Here’s an interesting email that Diane received today:

On 08/08/2005 06:04 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
D,I know you’ll probably never forgive me, but I just saw your last message. I’m really sorry, and I’m thinking that I probably won’t get another chance. I had to leave work early on Friday and I never saw your message. If I had known, I would have been there early, two glasses of Merlot and the biggest smile on my face when you walked in. Then this afternoon, someone hacked my personals profile and erased it and all of the messages so I can only ask that if you still want to keep in touch, please email me at asshole@assholesandliars.com until I can get another address set up. Thanks D. Sorry again…BoyFace

And to Jackie:

On 08/08/2005 05:54 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Hi. I’m sorry we didn’t get to meet up this weekend. I didn’t get your message until today. Someone hacked into my account and deleted my profile, my emails and all of the messages that you sent and I’ve been trying to recover what I could. I’m really not sure why, but when I called Yahoo they said that they could see that someone had deleted everything. I’d really like to keep in touch and try to hang out again. I think you can still send email to my email address at asshole@assholesandliars.com until I get a new one set up. Hope your day is going better than mine! BoyFace

Hmm. This is all so very interesting, don’t you think? Are you reading between the lines? Good.

Anyway, I’m still not sure how the “girls” are going to respond, but, I can’t deal with BoyFace and his petty dribble right now. I had a wonderful time with MotorcycleInstructor. Sparks, sparks, sparks. Kiss Kiss Kiss. Ha Ha Ha.

A fucking great day, other than the humidity.

I had left HarleyRider a message back last night and he called me this morning on his way to work. We talked for about 20 minutes. I like him a little more, it was more at ease and not forced. No one so far has the intelligence of the dude I was in love with. (damn him for popping up in my mind) or the Hungarian, but we can hope. At least HarleyRider is fucking hot.

The situation with Jackie, Diane and BoyFace ended. It’s a better story told in person and not in print. Unless of course you can read between the lines…in an upcoming email. Wink wink.

And finally, as I spent my entire afternoon laughing at the happiness of my day, this next event happens. Guess who just called and asked me out???? The instructor of my motorcycle class. Guess this one’s name is MotorcycleInstructor. Ka-Ching! Meeting him in Rockville for dinner at 8. This is so funny, I was telling Helen how hot he was and that I wanted to set her up with him, but now I think that’s done. He’s one of those cool, untouchable types. It’s like, he’s too cool for dating. I did scope out that he has no wedding band, but that’s about all I know. I’m a dating machine. I’m pretty excited about this one.

Today I went for more motorcycle practice. I really love it. Can’t wait to be out on the open road with just me and my fucked up thoughts. Yeah. Great.

Tonight I went out with R. He’s a very nice guy, but sometimes we had these awkward silences that make me nervous and we would be just looking at each other for a few seconds in all our awkwardness. While he trotted off to the bathroom at one point, I checked my phone to discover why I could hear the makings of a symphony going on inside my purse.

Well, HarleyRider, called. In all honesty, I was already ready to write him off. Come on, the good men never call. I’ve noticed that since my horror with BoyFace, I’m really guarded again. Normally a date as good as the one yesterday would have me walking on Cloud 9 – at least for 15 minutes. This weekend, I’ve barely given him a second thought. And if I hadn’t heard a peep from him, it wouldn’t have bothered me a bit. I’m turning back into a dating machine.

Ok, so R and I ate at Straits of Malaya (which was very good by the way) and then went to Larry’s Lounge for a beer and a few rounds on the Megatouch. Larry’s Lounge just might be my new neighborhood bar. Final Score: He’s extremely charming over email, a little dry in person. But we did the quickie kiss on the lips goodnight and said that we would see each other again. I said my usual, “I don’t call boys, so you’ll have to call me” and he said ok. I have to stop using that line. Twice in one weekend, that’s a little ridiculous.

I woke up this morning wishing for a bad date. Really. This blog has gotten tres boring, yawn yawn, and I was crossing my fingers for a good story because damn it, we need it. I won’t go so far as to say that I was praying because, ha ha, we all know how I feel about religion. Here’s the rundown.

The date (#6 of my 14 date obligation with “It’s Just Lunch”) was in Bethesda at 1 at Cafe Deluxe with HarleyRider. The hostess informs me that they don’t take reservations so it’s not like I can go sit at “the table” and wait for him to come to me or have him already be sitting there. I have to guess who he might be in the waiting area. And based on their track record, it could really be just about anybody – the guy with no front teeth, the midget, the conjoined twins (although they would probably count that as two dates,) the big fat guy wearing a nametag from his job at Midas. I see this guy at the bar. I’m thinking there is no way it can be the dude because he’s way hot. But at that moment he turns completely around and says my name. And I about died. Fucking finally. Slot machine sound byte please….ding ding ding ding ding.

I sit next to him at the bar and I see that he’s holding a Harley helmet. (Christ, it’s like I’ve now left the slots and just put all my money on the winning number at the roulette table.) He tells me he rode his Harley V-Rod here. (And now I just got 21 at the Blackjack table.) Of course I share my Harley story and all. We go sit down and order, have a fine lunch. Turns out that he also drives a speedracer, also has a Harley and also has a brother living in Michigan. He lives in Rockville and works downtown; I live downtown and work in Rockville. What the hell is going on right now?

After lunch we go out to the parking lot and he’s like, “Want to see the bike?” So I say ok, of course, and we go over there. We’re discussing accessories and all that fun stuff, then the rest of the conversation goes like this:

Him: “So are we going to sit here making more small talk or are you going to give me your number?”
Me: “Uh, I’m going to give you my number.” (Like how I stutter? I’m really not slick.)
(we each take out our phones…)
Him: “Ok, shoot.”
(At this point we each exchange numbers and program them in our phones.)
Him: “Ok, so call me if you want to do something sometime.”
Me: “No.”
Him: “No?”
Me: “I don’t call boys. If you want to see me, you have to call me.”
Him: “Can I see your phone for a second?”
I give him my phone. Is he about to erase his number?
Him: “Here, I’m calling myself, it’s about to beep, say hi.” He hands me the phone.
Me: “Hi, I’m standing here with you in the parking garage, so, hi.”
Him: “There we go, now I’ll have to call you back and you won’t have to be the one who called first.”

Is that charming? I think it’s quirky enough to be classified as charming.

Tomorrow I will be meeting R at 7 for dinner. Maybe that can be my trainwreck. Or maybe I’m supposed to be hoping for the best so that the dates turn out horrible. I guess hoping for the worst this morning really slapped me in the face didn’t it. With my damn luck I’ll be hoping for things to go so wrong and I’ll end up married by next Friday. Awww, fuck it. Maybe I should just stop hoping whatsoever.

It’s on! It’s on! It’s on! Well, I think it’s on.

Here’s what’s going on with Diane and BoyFace since he didn’t respond yesterday about the date:

On 08/05/2005 01:15 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
D,I just got your message! I am so sorry. 🙁 I didn’t get a chance to get back on Yahoo the rest of the day and I was here at work until almost 7pm. D, can you forgive me? I think your idea for last night was the coolest thing I would have done in a long time. I love spontaneity. I just wish I had seen it. I hope you weren’t waiting for me. Let me make it up to you…B

On 08/05/2005 02:20 pm EDT:
Fine. Make it up to me. Daily Grill tomorrow at 8. Reservation in both our names. Same story, if you get there first they will seat you. If I get there first, then I get to sit first, and pick the seat where I can get the best view of you walking in. This time you have to be there! Can’t wait.

Diane

He didn’t confirm before he left work so I’m not sure what it means. But, Diane is D O N E. I doubt he’ll show since he probably didn’t see the email which is a bummer because I had a special treat for all of you sticking with me on this. Sara was going to go to the Daily Grill with my camera phone and try to take a picture of him waiting there by himself. I would have posted it on the blog. Guess it’s not meant to be.

Now, on to Jackie:

On 08/05/2005 01:25 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Hi!How is your morning going?I’m glad you guys got your AC fixed. 🙂 Do you leave it on for Pussy during the day or is it cool enough by the time you leave in the morning? I would love to meet up this weekend! I have a very good feeling about you too. 🙂 Lunch sounds good – maybe Saturday or Sunday?. I’m not sure what’s going on this weekend, but I definitely want to hang out and C Park would be great. :)Can I give you a call or would you rather call me?Either way is fine. My cell is ASS-HOLE. …..B

On 08/05/2005 04:10 pm EDT:
Hi,

Tomorrow is better for me than Sunday. I will give you a call later on, but want to plan on meeting tomorrow at 1 at Chipotle on Connecticut Avenue. I love that place. Do you like Mexican? If not, there are a ton of places we can go that are right in that neighborhood. Then we can go from there to see your backyard that is so special. If that works, let me know and I’ll plan on seeing you tomorrow, but will call you in a bit.

************************************************************************************
I called Crystal in sheer excitement over this message and the potential for this mofo to get stood up twice in one day. Crystal said, “Do you have a friend who can call him?” I said, “Yeah! You!” So she took down the number and she will be calling as JACKIE later on today to set it up. She also has a block on her number so it will come up as “Restricted.” Go Jackie, uh, I mean, Crystal! At least this one can be recovered with a phone call.

In Other News:
In addition to my “It’s Just Lunch” lunch date tomorrow, I’m having dinner with some guy named R (can’t do the real name on this one) on Sunday and I’m working on a third who is so hot I can’t contain myself. I’ll let you know how it all works out. Love match.com and yahoo personals. They are fueling me with resources for the blog. Here’s to hoping it all goes to hell this weekend! It’s sad that I love it! I don’t even want to have a good date. I’m so used to the bad ones. It’s like, If you can’t beat ’em, date ’em.

It’s getting old fast. Really old. I’m doing my best to wrap this up as quickly as possible as I don’t want to write much more of this nonsense after tomorrow. Here’s the conversation with the newest of the two girls, “Jackie.”

On 08/04/2005 01:13 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Hi!How is your day going?I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to write more yesterday. Work was really busy. I missed talking to you.Did you and ‘Pussy’ make it through the night? Did you end up staying in a hotel? Is that really her name? (That is really cute) :)To answer your questions…I’m still new to Yahoo, but I think it’s been pretty good so far. I have gotten a few messages that I didn’t respond to because they were kind of scary, but sometimes I meet people that I really like talking to and would like to know better. :)I don’t have any horror stories though. How about you? Have you had any bad experiences? How long have you been doing this? The places on Wisconsin and in C Park are places that you’ve probably driven past a million times (But if we ever hang out I promise to show you). I like that there are little spots that no one notices. And I love that DC has so many different neighborhoods with lives of their own. I’m not sure I’m a sports ‘fanatic’, but I love watching football in the Fall. I am a Huge NY JETS fan. I also love watching Syracuse basketball (Go Orange) and I love going up to Camden Yards to watch the O’s or even RFK to watch the Nats. Nosebleed seats, good friends (or someone special) and a cold beer on a Saturday afternoon and then maybe a night on the town afterwards, or back home to make dinner would be great (I love to cook).When I’m not working, I box at a gym downtown and I run when I get home at night. I’m not sure if that counts as playing sports though. Do you play any sports? BoyFace

On 08/04/2005 03:02 pm EDT:
Hey!

Yes, Pussy is her real name. It was a toss up between Pussy and Cat. No, we stayed in and had it fixed so now we are very comfortable.

What do you think of this… I have a good feeling about you and I’m thinking that we should meet. Would you be up for lunch this weekend? I could meet you at that place in C Park. I know it’s kind of quick, but I’d really like to meet you.

Jackie

And now, on to Diane:

On 08/04/2005 03:37 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Hi!How is your day going? I’m sorry I haven’t been able to write. Work has been pretty busy. I would love to see you this weekend…maybe then you can get that kiss. and no, I’m not one of those guys that, ‘doesn’t give a good weekend night out to a new girl’ 🙂 BoyFace

On 08/04/2005 04:04 pm EDT:
Hey! You know what? I’ve decided we are meeting for dinner tonight. I’ve taken it upon myself to make a reservation for 8:00 at the Daily Grill on 18th and M St. The reservation is under both our names. If you arrive first, go ahead and have a seat at the table and please order me a glass of merlot. If I get there first, what would you like to drink? I’m very excited to meet you. Don’t say no.

*******************************

For those of you wondering, I really did make reservations at the Daily Grill for BoyFace and Diane. When they asked me for a phone number I went through the, “Well I can’t be reached because I don’t have a cell.” She said they can’t take reservations without a phone number so I gave her a fake one. Then, the whole reservation got erased and she had to start over and said, “That’s ok, I’ll just put 411 in for the phone number.” Fine by me. But I ended up canceling the reservation by 7 p.m. when he didn’t answer the email.

In other news, the fuckers at “It’s Just Lunch” called and they have set up a date for Saturday afternoon. They swear this one is a hot metrosexual. Date #6. Well, at least it will give me something to write about. Isn’t it sad that I’m actually hoping it goes horribly wrong so I can write about it? Also, I got hit on at the dog park. That makes twice at the dog park now. I told him I was dating someone though, I wasn’t too interested. It’s funny to see how guys move in for the kill when they want to. Like vultures. I’m still scarred from the last one though – the guy with the shemale girlfriend who I keep bumping into around town. No more picking up men at the dog park for me. I went to the Harley Dealer today to finalize my purchase and get a helmet. My helmet is so freaking cool, I’m still so proud of myself for having this idea. Gonna get out there and meet my ass a biker dude. Old habits die hard. I’ve tried the D.C. preppy guy, now, back to what I know best.

I think he’s on to us, er, me. He only wrote to Diane once. Here’s his response to her email last night and after is what she wrote back.

On 08/03/2005 02:34 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Hi!Thanks for the kiss…and yes, I do want another one, but I think it’s my turn…How was your seminar?I don’t have any plans this week/weekend. Friday I might hang out after work with a couple friends of mine.I think you’re right…we should try to meet up. 🙂 B

On 08/03/2005 03:25 pm EDT, you wrote:
Seminar was awfully boring. I’ve done nothing today to compensate, however.

When do you want to try to meet up? Saturday night? Or are you one of those guys who doesn’t give a good weekend night out to a new girl?

Waiting for my kiss,
D

And here’s what’s gone on with Jackie:
On 08/03/2005 02:46 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Hi! How is your day going? Sorry. We don’t have to exchange email addresses. I was getting tired of the word verification thing everytime I wrote something, and then I had to go offline. But we can still talk this way. No problem. BoyFace

On 08/03/2005 03:45 pm EDT, you wrote:
Hey!

My day is getting better and better. I’m happy we are having a sun-shiney day and I went home for lunch to check on my cat, Pussy (that’s her name), and she is faring well with the heat since my AC isn’t working up to par. It’s making my nights a bit restless and am seriously considering taking Pussy and checking into a hotel tonight.

I couldn’t help but notice you chose not to answer any of my questions, it’s all good. Like I said in my profile I’m a sports fanatic… do you play any sports and which are your favorite to watch and favorite teams?

I love watching football, basketball, and hockey but I have to be in the mood for hockey. I absolutely love the Green Bay Packers!

************************************************************************************

This is getting tres boring. I think I fell into a coma while these boring emails were going on. I won’t subject you to anymore of this nonsense. I will get this wrapped up shortly. I’ve really let my fans down, haven’t I? I am SO BORED with BoyFace and these antics. It’s time for new men and new dirt to be introduced in this blog.

The only funny part of this is that the personals inboxes are being accessed and read by Sara, Crystal and myself. So I’ll be out driving around and I’ll get a call from one of them saying, “He wrote back!” The funniest part is that Crystal is writing back to some of the guys and saying the most obscene things. One guy, whose title was “Let’s Explore D.C.” and had a picture of his tongue sticking out, wrote to one of the fake girls. Crystal wrote back saying “Forget exploring D.C., with that tongue why don’t you explore me?”

Crystal and I had a discussion tonight about all this relationship stuff. I told her that I’m one of those people who never really knows when a relationship is over. I have never really broken up with anybody in my life and the ones I have broken up with, like AtlantaBoy, happened so far after the point where they should have. Perhaps I’m really just not good at this relationship stuff all around. Is there a degree or course I can take? Anyone?

Well, things are moving along very nicely. Diane didn’t call BoyFace over the weekend so the sap that he is wrote her another email on Monday afternoon, only after he had logged in a bunch of times to check his emails. As always, he’s in bold.

On 08/01/2005 03:27 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Hi.How is your Monday going? Did you have a good weekend? BoyFace

And she wrote back today the following today finally:
On 08/02/2005 01:46 pm EDT:
Hi!
Sorry, I had a crazy weekend that just got away from me and I’ve been in this seminar for work yesterday and today. I just got a break for lunch and decided to check my mail, finally.

What did you do this weekend? Hopefully you didn’t wait for me….

D

On 08/02/2005 05:36 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Hi,Sounds like your weekend was good!I actually got to see an old friend of mine from the Army. He was in town and we caught up on old times. Work has been busy since yesterday. Hope you’re having a good time at your seminar.Was that a kiss for me?

On 08/02/2005 09:35 pm:
Why yes! That was a kiss for you. Did you enjoy it? Do you want another?

Seminar is over, thank goodness. Tomorrow I’m going to have an easy day, so I’ll be able to email again.

What kind of plans do you have for this week and the weekend? I was wondering if we should try to meet up since this past weekend didn’t work. What do you think?

I can’t believe that I can’t get you off my mind.

Diane

So now I’m waiting until the fucker gets to work tomorrow to respond. Time to reel him in.

************************************************************************************
In New and Related Developments:
Jackie has just started writing him too. She is cuter than Diane. This is so great. She lured him in with a canned phrase. And the interesting thing to note is that Diane wrote back to him at 1:30 p.m. today, Tuesday. But around 2:30 p.m., new girl Jackie sent the canned phrase. BoyFace wrote back to her a couple times, but just responded to respond to Diane at 5:30. Is he mad that she’s not as responsive as she was on Friday? Did he make her wait it out until he was about to leave for the day? Wow.

Now here’s Jackie’s conversation so far – again he’s in bold:

On 08/02/2005 02:34 pm EDT:
Wow! You’re cute!

On 08/02/2005 02:46 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Hi!Thanks. You’re very cute too…and I don’t think lawyers are boring. I think it makes you even more attractive. I like what you wrote in your description. Hope I hear from you soon. BoyFace

On 08/02/2005 04:48 pm EDT, you wrote:
Hi BoyFace,

I don’t like those phrases that Yahoo has but I didn’t know if you would write back so I took the easy way out. I’m glad you did.

I just said that about lawyers because most people think they are boring. Other than the fact that I work from 7-7 most days, I do like to go out a lot. Guess you can tell from the pictures?

So what do you do? Because I know you’re not a lawyer. (That’s a line from Pretty Woman..an inside joke with myself!)

Jackie

On 08/02/2005 05:17 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Hi Jackie,Did you just pick that Yahoo phrase to get my attention? :)I would have used the same one if I had seen you first. You’re right, I’m not a lawyer. I’m still laughing because I remember that scene. I live in Foggy Bottom and I work downtown. I moved to DC after college and the Army. I traveled a lot between the two and I’ve lived all over, but I think I really like DC because there are so many hidden places that I keep finding in the city (I still get lost and I’ve been here about four years).How long have you been here? And where do go out after 7-7?

On 08/02/2005 05:37 pm EDT:
I admit it. I did pick that phrase to get your attention. Actually, I was torn between a few of them, they all sound so dumb. Sorry. I’ll never do it again! 🙂

Where were you living before D.C.?

I live in Adams Morgan. I go out in Adams Morgan / Dupont. I don’t really ever have to leave that area until I go to work which is downtown on K street – where all the lawyers are! Sometimes we go out after work downtown, but usually I just want to get home.

What made you go into the Army?

What made you do Yahoo?

On 08/02/2005 06:18 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Before DC, I was living outside Seoul, South Korea (I was still in the Army). I had lived here in DC during an internship in college and I think I kind of fell in love with it, so I promised myself I’d come back and live here someday. After school, I traveled and lived all over the states, then parts of Europe and down in Central America. In the Army I was stationed in Savannah, Georgia and I almost went back when I got out, but something about DC brought me back here.I know what you mean about never having to leave your neighborhood. I usually end up hanging out in Foggy Bottom, but I really like exploring the city too (I still get lost and I’ve been here four years). There’s a secret garden off Wisconsin that has an amazing view and it’s not of the city, and there’s a little place in my old neighborhood (Cleveland Park) where you can get a beer and sit outside, except it’s like you’re borrowing someone’s backyard, because no one knows that it’s there. I’m still new to Yahoo. I’ve only been doing this for a couple of weeks. I think it’s a little easier for people to let their guard down and be more open with each other. I wrote in my profile that I go out with friends and we always hear the girls standing next to us saying something about how there are no good guys in the city, and I’d always have to laugh, because if I make eye contact or say Hi, they look away or get very shy and don’t say anything. I don’t think anyone has ever come up to me while I’m out and said, “Wow, you’re really cute!” :)If you feel like emailing, mine is Asswipe@assholesandliars.com BoyFace

On 08/02/2005 10:01 pm EDT:
BoyFace –
What place are you talking about on Wisconsin and where is the place in C. Park?

You have traveled a lot. You are lucky. I haven’t and now I can’t because I am so busy with work.

You think people are more open online? I would guess it is the opposite. Or they are just big liars. Have you had a good experience so far? Any horror stories? All my friends tell are horror stories.

Email addresses already? I used my work email and I probably shouldn’t give that out. Now that I think of it, I shouldn’t have even used it for this. Are you planning to go off line or do you hate logging in to the personals?

Jackie

*************************************************************************************
Checkmate. Now we’re waiting for his answers to both girls which will come in the morning. Jackie, Diane and their fans (that would be you guys) will have to wait. Note how Diane has been pushed to the side. He spent the afternoon writing to Jackie and didn’t answer Diane until just now.

Now, in all seriousness, I know that this has gone way too far. But it makes me realize that I was falling for a fake man who doesn’t exist. He’s like a moth to a flame – he goes where ever the next great thing is going to be. You can never hold on to a man who permanently thinks the grass is greener on the other side. If anyone cares, I’m really learning a lot here about men. (Where the hell was this internet thing 10 years ago?) I’m so intrigued that BoyFace didn’t reply right away to Diane, yet, when Jackie comes out of the box, he’s writing right back to her.

My neighbor said that I’m committing social masochism and she’s going to make me stop soon. Sara said that I need to get some therapy. This will all be wrapped up by this weekend, I promise. Then without any men to torture and exact revenge on, I’ll be at a loss for what to write in the blog. Well, who am I kidding, I’m sure something else will happen.

And for the record, let me please re-explain the tattoo on my back. It is the Greek Goddess “Ate” who was immortal but pissed off her parents and they threw her off Mount Olympus thereby making her a mortal. When she died, she spent her afterlife haunting the men who wronged her when she was alive. Does ANYONE see any parallels here? It’s not like I just got a tattoo for the hell of it. It actually means something, ok?

I told my mom about BoyFace tonight and all the goings on of the week. She said, “Have Diane set up a date with him at a restaurant you can see from your apartment. Then you can watch the whole thing.” What the hell, mom? Who would have thought she would be the most vindictive and evil of anyone? The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree does it.

I think this is by far one of the best suggestions.

Sigh, I’m really spending way too much time on this little pecker. Christ, I didn’t even mention that Sara and I smoked some pot the other night (that makes twice in one year for me) and did a “drive by” but we were so stoned that we couldn’t find our way out of the alley. It was one of those “you had to be there” events, but we get back behind his building, hoping to see what, I have no clue, but we kept driving back and forth and we couldn’t get out. We were like rats in a maze. So she’s backing up right underneath his living room window and she hits a curb. And all I can think is that we are going to be stuck on this curb and the tow truck is going to have to come and BoyFace is going to see all of this from his window. Then I’ll always be the crazy girl he met on the internet who stalked him, crashed under his window and was towed away and probably arrested. I don’t want to be his good story – I want him to be my good story.

Sammy (the love of my life) has taken to staring at weird things. I caught him staring at the wall the other day, and then he was staring at himself in the mirror and I said, “Little guy, are you ok?” He turned around, looked at me, realized I didn’t want anything particular, then was like, “Ok, back to looking.” And he turned around to stare at himself in the mirror. Am I not paying enough attention to him?

Friday night Sara and I came back from Adam’s Morgan and found a great parking spot on 17th Street, right in front of my building. There was one problem though. This stupid cabbie double parked where we needed to pull the car so that we could back in. So Sara ends up pulling in forward like George Costanza’s nemesis on Seinfeld and this guy on the sidewalk who looks incredibly like Tim McGraw helps us. It took forever, but don’t let anyone tell you that pulling in forward can’t work. It sure takes a long time, but it is possible.

So we get out of the car and Sara wants to buy Tim McGraw a drink. Nothing against him, but I wasn’t feeling it. I wanted to hang out with my neighbors and watch t.v. Anyway, Sara went with him and then they went out again on last night. I had noticed when we met him that he has long fingernails, which is something you don’t really see on a guy. But in Dupont Circle, well, it’s kind of the norm to see things out of the norm. I asked Sara about the long fingernails today. Here’s a re-enactment of that conversation.

Sara: “I didn’t know that you noticed his fingernails were long.”
Me: “How could you miss?”
Sara: “Well, he said he just needs to cut them and he hasn’t gotten around to it in a while.”
Me: “That’s just odd for a guy. I’m suspicious that he might be bi.”
Sara: “Really? Well he said he keeps his pinky nails long anyway.”
Me: “Why? Is he into coke?”
Sara: “No, but he said people always ask him that. He isn’t.”
Me: “So why does he do it?”
Sara: “I don’t want to tell you. You’re going to think it’s gross.”
(I think that anything having to do with unclean hands is gross.)
Me: “Tell me.”
Sara: “He uses them to clean his ears. He doesn’t believe in Q-Tips.”
Me: “This conversation is over.”
Sara: “I never should have told you. Now you are going to tell everyone.”
Me: “Hell yeah I am, and I’m going to post it on the blog.”

Haven’t heard from BoyFace. He must be VERY busy waiting for a phone call from a woman who is never going to call. Ok, won’t keep you in suspense any longer. Here it goes, the summation of yesterday’s pow wow, in email form. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Keep in mind, he’s in BOLD.

I’ll give you all some time to digest this. Then I’ll post what he wrote to me, and we can compare notes and realize what an asshole he is.

On 07/28/2005 10:47 am EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Yes, your pictures are really nice (I admit it) but it’s actually what you wrote that had me smiling and made me want to write (It’s a good thing I can read). I would love to know more about you. BoyFace

On 07/28/2005 04:53 pm EDT:
Hi yourself.
What would you like to know?

On 07/28/2005 05:54 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Do you live here in the city, or are you just staying in your summer house until you fly back to Paris to model for the new Fall Catalogs and more “cheesy” photos?(They didn’t look cheesy – they looked like you were having fun) Are you originally from here? School here? What do you do now? Your profile said you work in entertainment. It must involve writing, because I’m still smiling from what you wrote.And I know why I’m on the Yahoo personals…I’m just wondering what you’re doing here. BoyFace

On 07/28/2005 06:04 pm EDT:
Hi again,

Well, I’m here because I’m tired of the bar scene. Why are you here? Have you been doing it long? Have you had any luck. I haven’t met anyone in person yet, have you?

On 07/29/2005 10:18 am EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Hi…I’m here because I think most people are more comfortable getting to know someone this way, more willing to ask questions, find it easier to answer. I wrote in my profile that whenever I go out with friends, I always hear women asking eachother where all the good guys are, and I have to laugh when they do that because I’m usually sitting at the next table, or I’m standing in line right in front of them, but if you try to say hi or even make eye contact, they’re just too shy. Maybe it’s easier for them to see guys like me here instead of out there.But I haven’t been doing this very long, just a couple of weeks. I’ve looked at the profiles before and I finally decided to do this because I see people like you that intrigue me and I wonder what they’re like, so I put my picture in and I wrote something about myself. A lot of people want to meet in person, but I’ve only done that once. She was nice but there wasn’t any chemistry. I’m very drawn to confidence and if someone makes me laugh, I’m interested.

On 07/29/2005 10:36 am EDT:
Hi.

I’m not sure about meeting people this way. I’ve done it a couple times but it with various results. I’ve got a lot of freaks over here, but we’ll see how it all shakes out. I don’t plan to do it for very long, that’s for sure. I’m very wary of the whole thing. And I usually meet enough people in my day to day life anyway.

So what makes for good chemistry for you? How do you end things with someone when there isn’t? I’ve never been good at coming right out and saying “this isn’t working” but usually that doesn’t need to happen. They usually get it by my behaviors. It’s sort of hard to talk to people like this and there’s all this buildup and you go out. What did you do when it wasn’t right?

D

On 07/29/2005 10:59 am EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Hi.Wow. It sounds like you’ve had the same problems with people. I definitely don’t want to do the personals thing much longer. I would rather meet people in person, but some of the people that have responded to my profile are scary, so I haven’t.I have a hard time also telling someone that it’s just not going to work out. I don’t think I’m any better at it.I think physical attraction is that initial thing that brings two people together, and makes them want to take that chance and say something, but after that, you either click or you don’t. I think something happens and you just know, or you feel that you want to know this person more. Like when I saw your pictures, the modeling ones were nice (and I’m sure you get a lot of messages), but what made me read more about you were the two where you weren’t modeling. So I was drawn in, and then I read what you wrote. Usually, I get to someone’s profile and you can tell there’s nothing original, nothing worth pursuing. They say things like, “My friends tell me that I’m cute and funny!” Give me a break. But I read your “More about me” and I was laughing and wanting to know more about you, and it was nice, because I usually do more responding than contacting.

On 07/29/2005 11:15 am EDT:
Hi,

Those other two pictures are from Glamour Shots. So they are awful to me too but it’s all I have. Like I said, I meet a lot of people in my normal daily life and people are always setting me up, but this is something that I can control a little better. There’s nothing like being on a bad blind date or something, then having to go back and tell your friends he had spinach stuck in his teeth the whole time.

I agree on the physical attraction stuff as well, but that’s so hard to peg online. You really do have to meet in person. By the way, do you have a fake leg or a glass eye? I once dated a guy with a fake leg and we were walking down a beach and he got stuck in the sand.

I’m guessing that you never told the girl you met that there was no chemistry – or did she have no chemistry with you either? That would be easiest of course.

D

On 07/29/2005 11:57 am EDT, BoyFace wrote:
I’m still laughing…I’m just picturing you walking down the beach with this guy and you’re talking to him and looking out at the horizon and having a nice time, and then you realize that you’ve been talking and walking by yourself for awhile because he’s still back there stuck in the sand. Sorry, now I feel bad. I’m sure he was a nice guy. No, I don’t have a fake leg…or a glass eye…and I know the rule about eating spinach on a first date. :)Do you really think that the other two pictures of you are ‘awful’?I don’t. And no, it was hard to tell her that there was no chemistry, but I usually do. I beleive in being honest when I think someone can handle it or when you’ve gotten to know someone and you both have something invested in eachother, then definitely, but if you just met and there is no connection, I just hope that the other person gets it. What do you do? And do you think that you would ever go out with someone from the personals again?What if we make a deal? If we ever decide to meet in person, we’ll just be up front with eachother and if either of us really does have a fake leg or a glass eye or spinach between our teeth or we realize that there just isn’t any chemistry, then we’ll just agree that it’s not going to work out. 🙂 But I don’t go on first dates expecting to fall head over heels (don’t get me wrong. That would be amazing). Instead, I just go to have a good time with someone that I think I want to get to know better. No expectations. That makes what ever happens even better. I think if we ever did decide to hang out in person, that we would at least spend the whole time making eachother laugh and comparing stories.

On 07/29/2005 12:13 pm EDT:
Hi,

Yes, the beach thing was funny after the fact. Not while it was happening though. He lost his leg in a shark attack if you can believe that. Well, I’m not sure what it was, a baby shark, fish with teeth or what, but he was on vacation when it happened, which was a year before I met him. It was an interesting relationship to say the least.

There’s something to be said for honesty, and it’s a good rule of thumb to be honest from the start, even if it’s to tell someone there’s no chemistry. Unfortunately for me, more people end up having chemistry with me than I do with them. It makes it tricky, but I usually just come out and tell them like you did. So we’re off to a good start, you and me. 🙂

I haven’t gone out with anyone from yahoo this time, but last time I tried I did and it didn’t go well. But, yes, of course I would try it again. Honestly, I’m getting bombarded with emails, but most of them, if they are even worth answering, peter out in a few exchanges. You’ve definitely piqued my interest.

I have a boring job. Telecom sales. But I have lots of free time to do whatever I need to during the day.

How long does it take you to decide if you do want to hang out with someone in person? 🙂 And yes, it does sound like it would be fun. By the way, you are very attractive.

Diane

On 07/29/2005 02:05 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Thank you. I’ve been thinking the same thing about you. I just figured that everyone you talk to probably focuses on how attractive you are and not on getting to know who you are or what matters to you, and I’m really interested, so I didn’t tell you yet that I think you are very attractive (I do). I guess I was caught up in our conversation, and wanted to know more about you.I think I know fairly early when I want to hang out with someone in person (or when I don’t). I’ll tell you a secret…I knew that you would be very cool to hang out with after our first couple of messages to eachother, but I’m not in a hurry. Usually, someone will write to me and we spend awhile talking about work or how long we’ve lived in DC or what we do on the weekends. I think you are the first person I’ve talked to where we skipped all of that. It’s nice. What you’ve written is smart and funny and engaging. And I love talking to someone that can look at things from a different angle and isn’t shy about what they think. That is why I decided to finally do the personals thing, but I didn’t really expect to meet someone like you.I’m sorry your job is boring, but I was imagining getting a call from you and I laughed thinking that we would probably end up talking for an hour…I wish I had more time for myself during the day. BoyFace

On 07/29/2005 03:03 pm EDT:
Hi BoyFace,

Well, you seem to be finding enough time to write to me today, so I guess you have a bit of free time, right? Speaking of which, what do you do for work?

You’ve decided you would like to hang out with me but you are not in a hurry? Hmm. Ok, I’ll take that. Should I date other men between now and then or should I hold out for you? 🙂

I’ll bet you would like talking to me! I have been told I have a sexy voice. It helps in telecom. What kind of conversation would we have? I have to admit that I enjoy talking to you too, but some of what you say does sound like you are feeding me a line. I can only wonder how many other unsuspecting women you’ve wooed with your charms! It’s ok though. I’ll blow them all away!

What else? Sports you play? Volleyball on the Mall? Go to a gym? Like baseball? Play poker? I don’t do any of that really except volleyball. And I run. Usually 4-5 miles a day but not today – too rainy.

Any good plans this weekend?

Diane

On 07/29/2005 04:32 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
Hi Diane,I didn’t mean that I’m not in a hurry to meet you. I would definitely like to hang out with you. 🙂 Feel free to date other men between now and then. :)I’ve been told I have a sexy voice also. Hmmm. Maybe I should go into telecomm sales. For now though, I work downtown. I’m sorry that some of what I’ve said sounds like lines, but I meant what I said. You’ll just have to see for yourself. :)I live in Foggy Bottom near Georgetown, and when I’m not at work I box at a gym downtown and run at night when I get home from work (but probably not tonight). Surprisingly, I have no plans this weekend. You caught me when I’ll be all by myself. :)I would really like to call you, but if you feel more comfortable I can give you my number…BoyFace

On 07/29/2005 04:47 pm EDT:
Hi there,

Boxing….rrrrrrr….very sexy. No plans? How could someone as sweet and good looking as you not have any plans. I don’t believe that.

Sure, give me your number. I’ll call you. My phone has a perm. block on it because of work. We don’t give out our numbers. Funny huh? Well, not that I can’t give it to you, but I will come up as “No Name” or “Private”.

Unfortunately, I do have some plans this weekend. But now I’m thinking that I would like to just meet you. 🙂

On 07/29/2005 05:21 pm EDT, BoyFace wrote:
D,My # is (deleted). I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

Velvet Commentary:

This mofo never said we had no chemistry. The closest he came was, “Wow Velvet, you’re so amazing. I’ve never felt like this with anyone before. I’m blown away.” Yup, I really caught that hint that he had no chemistry.

We’ve had an incredible turn of events over here in dating-land. It seems that BoyFace, Mr. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before in my life Velvet” is out cruising the personals looking for yet more girls. Aren’t I enough?? I mean, come on, really. BoyFace sent my good friend Diane an email today. Unfortunately for me, he said the exact same things to her that he said to me. Interesting. And unfortunately for him, Diane is my friend. She used some ridiculous pictures of the most beautiful girl she could find. This is great.

Armed with this information, I went to Mercury Grill last night to have a drinky-poo with Sara, Blondie, Boston and BestGuyFriend-M. When they asked me how I was and I told them what was going on, the night unveiled an amazing amount of ideas. They are so excited to have some fun with this fucker. As am I. As is Diane. She has been writing back to BoyFace. And he’s got these canned phrases that he says that are such BULLSHIT! Some of what he’s saying to her is even my cute cheeky little vocabulary. Take for instance my liberal use of the phrase, “I have a secret to tell you.” He fucking used that on her! Damn! Macking on my lines now. How could I be so stupid to believe all of his crap? I might have to resign from the dating world. I’m REALLY bad at this. But, I’m going to start posting all the exchanges so you can read them. They are too too too hilarious.

The GreekFreak called me last night but I was out and the sounds of the bar and the music were too much to deal with so it gave me a great excuse to say “Listen, I’m out, can I call you back?” I will call back…uh….never.

Read the title of today’s blog again. It’s funny. I can’t stop giggling. It’s on. Let’s roll.

I didn’t mention that I slept at BoyFace’s house on Monday night. I have to stop reading too much into this. He’s busy and I’m being a freak but I said my part about what the hell is going on and he said his about school being nuts for another week and well, there you have it. Spent all night talking again. Yes! Talking! No details you fuckers because I like him and details aren’t funny when you really like someone. Now, on to details about people I don’t like.

The Hungarian called me today. He said that I’d been wavering up until this point but it seems that now I am showing no interest in him so he’s going to stop bothering me. Great. What? I didn’t realize I was being duplicitous. Or perhaps it’s just another case of men only hearing what they want to hear. In either case, I think this chapter is closed.

I have got to figure out how to get out of this dating service from Hell. Damn my brother and sister-in-law. They thought this would be so fun. So did I. In case I haven’t covered this, and I don’t think I have, my sister-in-law got me into this crazy It’s Just Lunch thing. She was going to give it to our other brother for Christmas but we told her not to because he would never go and he has a girlfriend anyway. The pretense of this is that you have these lunch dates with people. The reality is that it’s a fucking nightmare. And it lapsed for so long that I forgot about it, but then they just loaded me up with three dates in one week. Fine by me, I want out of this thing. But apparently you can’t get out. It’s like the Hotel California, hence today’s title. You can’t get any money back, you can’t transfer, you can’t do squat.

Friday they set me up with the Lawyer guy. Yesterday they set me up with the GreekFreak, who came all the way from Baltimore and had a few screws loose. He was probably twice my age (so, 44) and he was making me uncomfortable. When he ordered his food he was like Sally in “When Harry Met Sally” asking for everything dry and on the side. The waiter was like, “Ok, ok” and didn’t seem fazed by this. But then the guy calls the waiter a name like, “Fucker” under his breath when the waiter walked away. He says to me, “I’m really very low maintenance.” Yeah, sure. Then, he started talking about strippers and lap dances and I’m like, “What? Where am I?” This dude had his foot in his mouth so far that I could only see his kneecap. Then he told me he just moved out of his parents house but that he still goes there every night for dinner. DUDE!! You are like 45 years old, what the FUCK are you doing?? I should have been like, “That’s great. Did I tell you about my latest yeast infection?”

The funniest part of this whole event was that damn Sara and another friend of ours came to the restaurant where I was, sat at the bar, and sent me text messages the whole time. The unfunny part is that they told EVERYONE at the bar what was going on and so when I took a break to feed the meter, I crawled by the bar where The Greek Freak wouldn’t see so I could talk to the girls. Everyone at that bar was staring at me. I used to lead a drama free life. Le Sigh.

I called the fuckers at It’s Just Lunch, HELL Division, and said, “Look, can I transfer this thing to someone else?” They said no. I asked what my other options were. There are none. I hate them. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to bother with anyone but BoyFace right now. I’m bad at multi-tasking. If it doesn’t work with him and I have to go back to the drawing board, then so be it. Hopefully they will leave me alone for a while. I’m more than a third of the way through my obligation with them. I suppose I could always tell them to fuck off, to stop setting me up and to keep their money. And I’m sure they would be glad to do that. I’m sure it wouldn’t be the first time someone said that to them.

Holy Moly is it hot out there. This summer has been unrelenting. I just came home at 9:30 and damn it, it is still 95 degrees out there. Complain complain. In six months I’ll be doing the same bitching, but it will be today’s temperature less 90 degrees and I’ll be crying about having to walk Sammy (the love of my life) when it’s 5 degrees outside.

Drum Roll Please……..Today, you are getting a huge treat. I decided in all my infinite funniness, that we should take a look at the lives of a smattering of my ex-boyfriends lives after the departure of Velvet. Here are their various claims to fame from entirely after we broke up.

• TheCop (also known as “CrazyCop” to some of you): We were together in 1994. After we broke up, he was accused of sexual harrassment by a woman he pulled over and he was subsequently thrown off the police force. It made the front page of the paper. Mom said, “Velvet, you really know how to pick ’em.”
• AlwaysDrunk: (also in 1994) Why I fell in love with this fucker I have no idea. After he publicly dumped me for the town whore, he was rumored to have slept with his ex-girlfriend from before me. Only she had slept with some electrician dude who gave her the herps. So, there’s a pretty good chance that AlwaysDrunk has the gift that keeps on giving.
• AtlantaBoy: (too many years to remember, but the breakup occured in 2003.) Became a meth addict and lost our dog. Then threatened my life in a voicemail.
• RockStar: (2004) Said the thought of breaking up with me made him sick to his stomach. But then in lieu of any real comfort from another relationship, he hooked up his webcam and his massively large penis became infamous online. He has a “following.”
• Redneck: (2001 on a “break” with AtlantaBoy) Moved back to Richmond to work things out with a wife he hates. Still calls me whenever he gets drunk to tell me he loves me. Who doesn’t?
• HighSchoolBF: (1991-3) High school boyfriend who worked at a gas station in my hometown as a mechanic. Can anyone do the math on how long ago we dated? If you said 12-14 years ago, you are right. Now, guess what? He still works in that same gas station. Oh, the future I missed out on…
• NewYorkItalian: (on and off for a while, but mostly in 1996) The only ex that I have a good relationship with. I ended things when I was at his apartment and he pretended to have diarrhea. But he took his cordless phone into the bathroom with him so he could call his ex-girlfriend back who had called when I was sitting there on the couch. Last time I saw him he flat out asked me to have sex with him. It was fucking cold in New York though, way too cold to take my boots off so that didn’t happen.

How depressing. My life is a mess. Or, looking on the bright side, the mere misfortune of a man losing Velvet in his life results in all sorts of casualties.

Well, it’s almost July 31. For those of you who don’t know me well, you have no idea that July 31 kicks off my 90 day countdown to the best holiday ever – Halloween. I am now accepting suggestions for a Halloween Costume. Little Miss Muffet went off great last year, but since I bought it in a store (EEK!) there were other Little Miss Muffets out there. I need to be the only one of whatever I decide. I just watched Moulin Rouge. Would being a showgirl be too generic? I love how they dress. I need to look into that a little more.

Please email suggestions asap. My ideas so far are the showgirl or Jenna Jameson. That’s all I got.

I made it through the class yesterday without passing out. And let me tell you all, everyone there thought I had ridden before. No one believed me that I hadn’t. All I can assume is that spending 6 years with my long term ex (who we’ll call AtlantaBoy since that’s where we lived) and his biker family that I picked up a few things. So I’m well on my way. I really never thought it could be so much multi-tasking riding a motorcycle, but it is.

The Hungarian called me when I was in class yesterday. I listened to his message – he wanted to know if I wanted to come over to his place and sit by the pool. Yes, that was just what I needed, to lay out with him on my case. I didn’t call back right away. I layed out in my courtyard and fucking fell asleep! I was really tired from the class. So I woke up incredibly tan and went back inside. I called him back and got voicemail (couldn’t have planned that any better) and said I just wanted to stay home after being out all day. He called back and said “I’m not going to stop trying.” I said, “Well, you should. I’m not going to change my mind.” Funny.

Speaking of people who have stopped trying – no word from BoyFace. If he’s too busy with school and work to make a few phone calls then I wonder what he was doing looking for a girl?

It didn’t happen. I got to my motorcycle training class and we were in the middle of instruction and I started to get this wave of nausea over me. Next thing I know, I’m laying on the ground and everyone is standing over me asking me if I’m a diabetic. So I passed out. I have no idea why, but yes, Sara and our other friend, PinkPantyLover think it’s my lack of relationship with food. They said they have apparently noticed that I don’t eat a lot. I’m not a big eater, because everything makes me feel ill and the stupid doctors just keep throwing me on medicine instead of helping me figure out why my stomach hates me so much. Anyway, I’m going back tomorrow. Hopefully I make it through the day this time.

Last night was strange. I met that dude up at the Daily Grill as planned. (Sarcasm coming) Nice set up. Not my type at all. And in the middle of our drink that took all of 40 minutes, my phone did not stop ringing. So he went to the bathroom and I went to check my phone and had like 7 missed calls and a text message. I read the message first. BoyFace. Again, WTF? He said he was sorry about this week and he was busy and now he’s in Nebraska. We talked after that and he swears he told me about Nebraska, but I swear I don’t remember being told. Ok. All this occured on my walk home from the Daily Grill and then I met my guy friends Blondie and Boston at JR’s for a drink. Then they had some argument and it was so funny watching these two gay men have a spat. I was cracking up. We then went to Mercado and had a couple more drinks and went home. That was my last 24 hours. That’s all folks.

The dating continues. I am meeting a new IJL date we’ll call IJL-Lawyer at the Daily Grill at 7. Damn it. I just know he’s going to be boring, and I just dried my hair and it looks fucking fab and it sucks to have to waste it on him. Yes, I know, explicit instructions from you assholes – I can hear it now…”DO NOT GIVE OUT THE BLOG ADDRESS.” Okay, okay, I learned.

The Hungarian called me tonight and left me a message. I called him back and got his voicemail so I left a message. Then he called me back when I was at the dog park and since I couldn’t have the awkward conversation with him in front of all those people, I started walking home. Sammy, of course and as usual, was uncooperative. He wanted to mill around sniffing every tree he could find.

Finally I get inside and he asks me if we are going to go out again. I said “I have been thinking about that since I saw you last, and I don’t know what the problem is but I have no chemistry with you.” He said he figured as much. I went on to explain that he is so funny and witty and I have a great time with him but something just isn’t there. So we agreed to not date anymore, and he doesn’t want to be set up with any of my friends. I said it was a shame that it was at this point, and I’m sure he wants to move on and find someone new but he said that we should get a drink one night next week as friends. We’ll see if that really happens and if he really is interested in staying friends. Too bad. He’s a cool dude. I wish I could force the chemistry, but I can’t.

And speaking of chemistry, BoyFace is still M.I.A. I guess I should just get over it. I would love to know what I did, but I suppose that I never will know the truth. I feel so proud of myself for being honest with the Hungarian, I only wish BoyFace could do the same with me.

In other news, on my little Yahoo homepage in their profiles directory, I updated my “news” and put that I bought a Harley since I did finalize on it already. I got an IM in the middle of the night from my very long term ex-boyfriend that said, “You bought a Harley?” When I saw that, my stomach dropped into China and I almost threw up. He is still reading that profile in hope of finding out anything about me. He might be officially more insane than I am. Funny that we couldn’t make it work. Kidding.

Times like this, I do miss how sincere and genuine he was – in the beginning of course. It makes me realize that good ones are hard to find. Good ones with chemistry – even harder.

I spent the night looking at Harley accessories online. I am so excited!

I suppose that I fucked up. I’m not sure what it was, but I’ve done something horrible. Well, it could be a few things now that I think of it. I’m just not good at this relationship stuff. Whatever it is, I’m sure it was my fault. And of course, I’m sorry, because it could have been a good thing.

Sigh…the Hungarian called. Why is it that the guys you don’t want are the ones who call? I am having a bout of strength, and I’m going to call him and tell him that there is no chemistry with him. Wish me luck.

I jump to conclusions. I’m a girl. That’s what we do. I know, I know, we all thought I was really a guy under there. Mostly I am. But, there’s some insecure female in here too. Ok. The only reprecussion of last night’s meltdown is that I’ve bought a Harley. Hmm. Not sure what I’m doing. But it makes me happy thinking about it, so, good.

The jumping to conclusions thing is a legacy I was destined to inherit, passed down from my mother. She is infamous for jumping to conclusions. Tell her you bumped the car in front of you and she’s calling the ER telling them to anticipate your arrival and she’s ordered cat scans, various x-rays and neck braces. Then, you have to hear about it for years to come. Got a headache? “Honey, it’s from that massive pile up you were involved in, years ago.” And the story always gets worse with time.

I’m listening to 80’s hair bands, trying to calm myself down after my hour long phone call where my ego was soothed, and trying to understand what I have done with this motorcycle.

The Hungarian – ON MY ASS. Calls all the time, seems to get irritated when I don’t call right back and he calls again a few hours later. He said to me that he thinks I’m one of those girls who doesn’t really want a relationship because it’s obvious that I’m not really interested in him by my attitude. (Moi? Attitude?) Then he proposed that we just have sex. How fabulously original. I said No, obviously. Well, you have to give him credit for coming out and admitting what he’s after. But then he digressed into this whole thing about how he’s very attracted to me and he wants to see me, and possibly exclusively and how he was thinking about me today. My answer? I said, “I just heard those same words other day, is there some Continuing Ed Class going on right now that all you guys are attending?” Why I am such a bitch I have no idea. That wasn’t cool to say. He seemed irritated by that. And my follow up comment was, “Hey, I am not one of those charming chicks who always knows what to say.” WTF is wrong with me? Well, he gave me an out by saying that it seems I don’t want any sort of tie up with him. Now all I have to do is agree. So, I’ll have to call him…which greatly conflicts with my habit of not calling anyone.

I know, I know. You’re dying for details on BoyFace. I just can’t. Well, ok, I can for a little. He called me tonight after a few text messages and we talked for about an hour. A guy friend of mine was here, and BoyFace was sort of asking about that, and of course if he really knew the truth and how boring it is he wouldn’t have bothered to ask. The Guy Friend – J, did want to sleep here, but he thought we were “good enough friends for him to sleep in my bed.” I’m pretty picky about who sleeps in the bed, ahem, Sammy dog even waits for his invitation.

When faced with the couch or driving home, Guy Friend J drove home. Do I look like I was born yesterday? And in his little wifebeater he was the perfect picture of a trashy one night stand – well, for some girl I suppose. Ick. No thank you.

I think about what my boss tells me that his golden rule is about land deals. “If they are not talking to you, they are talking to someone else.” The man is a genius about a lot of things. But this is something I just keep thinking about in relation to my personal life.

I feel like I’ve fallen into a trap. I believed all of what BoyFace said to me, because it seemed so genuine. ‘I’ve never felt like this about anyone Velvet.” Or, “You’re so amazing Velvet.” Now I look back and wonder if I’m just being played. I am of the belief that if someone likes you, then they want to talk to you. And no matter how busy they are, they find a way to call you or email you just to let you know that they are thinking about you. What makes all of this so much worse is the fact that before we met, he was emailing like nuts. Non-stop, all day. And once he had my number, he was calling or texting. All of that mysteriously stopped after the dating begins – and that’s the standard trick of every guy. You start out thinking, “Wow, this one is different.” But he isn’t. They all seem so awesome in the beginning, but then eventually end up becoming just like every other guy. Yup. I’m pissed. But I’m really just pissed at myself for thinking that, well, this time it could be different. I was wrong.

She’s gone. Finally. Thankfully. Peace and Quiet. Never thought I could appreciate it so much.

Before she left, however, leave it to her to screw one thing up for me. This morning she was on the phone with her mom making arrangements for her subsequent drop off. She busts into the bathroom where I am enjoying a leisurly pee (hello, privacy?) and hands me the phone and says it’s someone whose name she doesn’t know. I look at the phone, and it’s the Hungarian. I tell him I have to call him back because the child is on the phone with her mom. I could not stop laughing, because I had basically decided to handle this my usual way and not handle it at all. So my plans were to not answer the call and not return the call if and when it came. But there went that plan.

After I dropped the child off and came back, I cleaned (kids really make a mess) and then I passed out asleep. I woke to the phone ringing. It was the Hungarian again. Why is it that the guys you don’t know what to do about and don’t want to talk to are the ones who call you a bunch of times and the ones you really want to talk to never call you. WTF?? So I pick up in my sleepy voice and he’s like, “Are you sleeping?” I said yes. He said “A nine year old wore you out?” I said “Yes.” Then he just starts a conversation. Didn’t I just say I was sleeping? I said, “Can I just talk to you tomorrow?” He goes “Do you want to see me tomorrow?” I said, “Can I think about it when I wake up?” And he practically hung up. He goes, “Ok, fine. Bye.” And that was that. Back to my first impression of him – if you are going to get nasty and snotty when you hear something you don’t like, then, fuck off.

Christ am I in a bad mood. We lost a deal on Thursday in Arlington and the major one in D.C. on Friday. I officially have nothing to do tomorrow except find something to do.

I have been asked every question possible today. I’ve been asked why elephant poop is the size it is. I’ve been asked why there is lightening in one part of the sky but not another. I’ve been asked why people are homeless, why there is a hole in the side of the Sprite can, why a slurpee makes one’s mouth blue, why I have to shift gears and other cars don’t and why my dog smelled another dog’s vagina. These questions have been going on since 8:00 a.m., a ridiculous hour on a Saturday for someone like myself who prefers to sleep until 11:00 most days. The questioner just fell asleep 10 minutes ago, at midnight, and I have never been so thankful for peace and quiet.

The only question I have after today is whether anyone out there can take pity on me and tie my tubes. I’m not cut out for this. I just can’t make conversation with a child who asks endless questions of why, why and why. I can’t understand someone who doesn’t even try things on their own before asking for help: “This is broken,” “Where’s the spoon?” ” Can you tie my shoe?” I can’t tolerate someone who disrupts my entire schedule for the day and makes intricate plans for their entertainment that I am not humanly possible of achieving. I can’t keep up with a child who touches every expensive piece of electronic equipment in my house (cell phone, laptop, digital camera, i-pod…) with the intention of breaking it. I’m beat. I’m wiped out. This child is all of nine years old and she has wiped me of any energy for the rest of the weekend and sapped me of any mere, glint of a desire I had to ever have children. I would like to donate my eggs to science, because I don’t need them. Now, I’m going to bed.

I have never been camping. Ever. I’m the kind of girl who likes to vacation in places where I can call the front desk for another toothbrush or order up some porn. I do NOT like anything that resembles “roughing it.” That being said, I have never crapped anywhere but a toilet. And I’ve never seen anyone else do it anywhere but a toilet either. That is, until last night.

Sara, you have really tested the limits and boundaries of our friendship. You put all five of my senses through the ringer with what I witnessed last night. And to think we were just outside the front gate of your complex. You only had another 100 feet to drive to get to your house. Who just cost WHO another week of therapy???? The title of this blog is from the Allman Brothers, “I’m No Angel” and Sara, it’s all for you.

AAAAHHHH!!! I was just walking Sammy (the love of my life) and I bump into this girl and her dog and my dog were playing and we were talking. Then, who should walk by but that guy from Safeway/the dog park with the SHEMALE. He had his arm around her. So after they pass I tell the girl I’m talking to, “See that guy? He hit on me one night in the dog park and made such a stink to tell me he wasn’t a ‘fag.'” She said they were just in the dog park fighting and she had to do a double take to make sure that it was two guys. Anyway, she and I say goodbye and I walk Sammy then start to head back. And there they are, on the front steps of the building next to mine, the Shemale is crying and the dude who hit on me is consoling her. I’m all set to just blow right by there FUCKING SAMMY!!! Damn dog goes running right up to them to get his love. Little fucker. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I’m going to roast that damn dog on a open flame if he doesn’t start cooperating.

The HornyHungarian called yesterday morning. He said he knows he’s breaking all the rules by calling the next day but that he “wants more.” WTF??? I’ll chalk that up to a “language barrier.” He asked me to do something Friday he called it the “prime real estate of Friday night” but I said no, that I was watching a friend’s child this weekend. Like how I stretched the babysitting of the child into a whole weekend when it’s really only Saturday now? HA! I tried to blow him off as best I could, but we all know how bad I am at the breakup thing, why should blowing someone off be any different? I’ll deal with it next week.

Anyway, the hookers and I are going out tonight. They want to meet BoyFace. (Hint, hint if you’re reading.) I really want to hook Sara up with the Hungarian but she’s having no part of that.

In case any of you are wondering, my titles mostly come from songs. Sometimes it’s just a song that I’m into at the time, sometimes it actually means something. If you want to know the songs, I’ll be happy to share with you. Now, on to my life.

I started talking to someone on Yahoo Personals a few weeks ago and I sort of kept pushing the first date with him. Let’s call him the HornyHungarian. It ends up that we were supposed to do something over the weekend, and well, I was holding out for door number 2. After I had my fantastic evening on Sunday, I didn’t know what to do about the other date I had lined up. It just didn’t seem like something I wanted to do anymore and I’m bad at multi-tasking. But HornyHungarian left me a real asshole message (“Velvet, I guess you are mad at me because you keep canceling our dates and now you aren’t calling me back….”) I wanted to save my reputation, because you know what? In my world land development, you can never repair damage to your name. Your name and reputation are worth more than anything else you have. (That’s from my dad, I can’t take credit for that.)

So we meet at Starbucks in Dupont Circle. And Sara has expressed her interest in this man. With my mind on “other things”, I figured I would go out with him and try to set the two of them up. Unfortunately he said that wasn’t a good idea and probably thought I was kidding anyway and Sara said something to the effect of “Sloppy Seconds.” Throughout our Starbucks iced teas, he said that I really was the “bigger person” for sending him an email and saying that I was wrong for canceling so many times. In the distance, I can hear the ding ding ding of the slot machine jackpot, for, being the BIGGER PERSON is my God Damned New Year’s Resolution from 2004. We can all thank my family for that. They test my will and push the envelope daily, making me work for that resolution. Does anyone remember when they went to London and Paris without me??? I’m not bitter, really.

Now, the HornyHungarian and I eat at Cosi and the whole thing feels very contrived and fake. I tell him some of my funny dating experiences – namely the one with RestonDork (eau, story to come) and he tells me about his (he cried on his last date when they watched “Finding Neverland.”) Then he walks me back to my apartment. Shit, I need to insert the RestonDork story here because this next part won’t make sense. Ok. Damn. Here comes a digression. I’ll make it short.

Met RestonDork last spring online. We go out. He’s a moron. And he asks if I told anyone I was out with him that night. (Hello? Serial Killer???) So I was like, “Oh yes, tons of people. In fact, BestGuyFriend-M may stop by…” And he says, “What did he say when you told him we were going out?” And I said, “Well, he said what he always says, ‘Don’t have sex with him.'” So RestonDork and I are leaving the restaurant and he walks me back to my apartment and upstairs (ick) and he walks in, stands in my foyer and declares, “So…any chance you would not listen to that advice your friend gave you?” And I said, “No, he’s always right.” And RestonDork says, “BYE.” He leaves. He couldn’t get out of there fast enough. There’s more to that story to prove what a dork he was, i.e. just went on vacation with his ex-girlfriend two weeks prior, gave his kids back to his mentally unstable ex-wife so he could live happily with the aforementioned girlfriend and HER kids…WTF??? but these stories are irrelevant. We all know I wouldn’t be writing this if most men didn’t provide me with such great material.

Back to the HornyHungarian. He says, “Are you going to invite me up?” I said “No. You just asked me about that date and you totally said I was wrong for inviting him up to my apartment.” So we have this awkward goodbye which my neighbor witnessed (thanks for saving me you bitch) and he left. And I felt guilty the whole time I was out with him. Well, perhaps not guilty, but, like I was just in the wrong place. Do you ever look at someone when you are on a subway who is on another subway, and you are going one direction and they are going the other and you think, “Am I supposed to be over there?” It’s not a literal feeling, like, “Shit, I’m on the wrong train.” It’s more of a feeling like, “This train is taking me to work, or whatever, and I wonder if that train is going to take me somewhere better or happier.” That’s just how I feel.

Then I come inside and start texting BoyFace, my fab date from the other night. Then there are phone calls with Sara and BestGuyFriend-M. Then more texting. Then a phone call with BoyFace. Then I end up over there at 1 a.m. What the hell? I wouldn’t get out of bed at 1 a.m. for a winning lottery ticket and this man can will me to get out of bed AND drive over to his house? It’s like I’m in high school again. Except this time it’s a lot more fun. Oh, and this time I’m not yet having sex. Still don’t want to say too much for fear of jinxing it, but I shall try my hardest to not fuck this up if for only one reason… BoyFace – you take my breath away.

Ohh…..the pain and distant familiarity of the hangover. I’ve managed to avoid it for a long time with my equation of three gin and tonics only after a full dinner. But, the hangover is alive and well inside my head right now. Crystal, the one with the dying cat, is here to put the cat to sleep. Sara and I met her at Finn and Porter’s in Alexandria and someone decided that we should smoke a little pot. This is something that I never do, I have never really been a fan of pot. But when they said they had some left over from a long time ago, I said a very enthusiastic “Let’s go!!” This of course, surprised the crowd. I hope the Feds aren’t reading this.

Anyway, what transpired from the evening can be drilled down to these simple statements. Enjoy.

1) Sara: “David was in a Danceoff.” Crystal: “Did he win?”
No one in two months of Sara telling that story has anyone ever asked if he won. They’ve just been disgusted and agreed with her decision to send the “Don’t contact me anymore” text message.

2) Sara: “Do they just wait around for an able-bodied person to come over so they can scratch things off their honey-do list?”
After Crystal gets off the phone with Dan, her ex-roommate in a wheelchair, she says he asked her to come by while she’s in town to hang some shelves.

3) Me: “Sammy, don’t scratch Auntie’s new cabinets.” Sammy: “I know, it took her forever to pick them ou…”

4) Crystal: “You just sounded like Beavis or Butthead, I’m not sure which.”

5) Sammy: “Hello Pedro!”

6) Sara: “You just cost me another week in therapy Crystal.”

7) Sara to Crystal about Me: “She is SO hetero. When I’m around her I feel more hetero.”

8) Sara: “We need to hire a court reporter.”

9) Me: “Sara? Can I introduce my ass to your toilet seat?”

After these legible ones that we wrote down, I can’t understand anything else on this list. Crystal wrote a bunch of stuff that makes no sense right now, but I’m sure it was funny last night. I’m not sure if I can get out of bed yet. And I really wanted to go to the gym. I have a fab new idea since I’ve been so stuck with my leg workout, I was going to get back to squats and I want to do them now. But I really hurt. Wah Wah Wah, I’m such a baby. These complaints make me think I’m starting to sound like someone I call Mom, who by the way just called me from Linens & Things. She wanted to know if I have a blender. Gotta love that Mommy. Always up to something. When she was about to hang up she said, “Anything going on?” And I sort of wanted to tell her that I met someone faaaaaaaaaaaaabulous, but then, I was scared again, like I will jinx it. So far, I’ve only confided in Sammy. And he’s a damn good secret-keeper.

I can’t believe it. I actually had a good date on Sunday night. Well, it was really a great date. The whole night had a feeling of being back in 7th grade, but not as geeky and awkward as those days were. I’m afraid to talk too much about it for fear of jinxing myself. And I really have to jump off here because my fabulously gay friend Boston is here using my other computer and threatening to masturbate with my scented hand soap. I hope there’s more news to come. And I hope my spell has been broken.

OMG!!! The highlight of my week (blog to come next) is in competition with my mention on Pink is the New Blog… I feel famous. Not Paris Hilton famous, but Eric Roberts famous.

http://trent.blogspot.com/

See prior post if you need to catch up. This is so weird but the cat is dying now and Crystal and her boyfriend are in “negotiations” as to whether the cat can be flown out to her in Wisconsin. She’s going to have to come here. The feminists in the world are shreiking with horror. She will never forgive herself if that cat dies.

I’m still waiting for that Xanax. Or is it Zanax. Aww, fuck it.

Well, Crystal just called from her boyfriend’s house in Wisconsin. She moved out there to try to make their relationship work. (This is the relationship with the man who she was trying to ship her stuff to and he said he didn’t know his address. Yup, I really think he wants her there.) Anyway, she has just informed Sara that they are going to work it out, but can Sara keep her cat indefinitely because he doesn’t want it in his house. Then he changed his mind and said that he will let her keep her cat if she gets a job. Is that supposed to be a compromise? Some people think this is part of the sacrifice that is necessary in a relationship. Very mad at him. I think this is crap. A compromise is something like picking up someone’s dry cleaning even though it is totally out of your way and makes you late to your aerobics class. If some guy, any guy, say THE guy, asked me to give up my dog, he would be history so fast his ass would have a footprint from where I kicked him out. Perhaps this is why I am still single? It haunts me because I’m too smart to put up with any of this shit. I’m so irritated. I need a Xanax to calm down.

Damn, does anyone have any Xanax?

Sorry for the massive delay between posting times. I know my fans (ahem, that would be Sara) really wait with bated breath for the posts. And for the skeptics, yes, “bated” is spelled right. Consult my source: http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-bai1.htm By the way, you should all know not to question my knowledge about a word that is encapsulated inside one of the worlds favorite pastimes (in the past tense in this case) – – – MASTURBATED.

Now. I’ve promised a blog about Vicodin Stealing Derek. Here goes.

Derek lived in my old apartment complex in Rockville. He used to try to talk to me when I was walking the dogs, but I wasn’t really having any part of it. After he moved out, I bumped into him at Hard Times Cafe. The girls were drooling over him and no one believed me when I said I knew him. But then he came over and we started talking. As the night progressed (meaning: We Got Drunker) I started showing everyone how to do a striptease from the rafters on the balcony. Why I was doing this when it was under 20 degrees outside, I have no clue. (I pay dearly for this blatant disregard of the weather later on in the story.) Anyway, Derek caught me, literally and figuratively, and that was that. We exchanged numbers and started dating.

But then I got sick a couple weeks later. Massively ill and my throat closed up and I couldn’t talk or eat. So, I drag myself to Shady Grove ER, check in, and promptly black out on their floor. They dragged me to a bed and put me on IV fluids. Derek is calling and calling, but I’m in the ER, and they don’t want you on your damn cell phone.

The hospital releases me in the middle of the night with an Rx for Vicodin, which can’t be filled until the morning, obviously. I stop at Mobil on the way home to grab a breakfast bar because I’m STARVING, but the one Vicodin they gave me to take hasn’t kicked in, so I can’t eat it yet. Then I go home, sleep for a few hours, wake up at 10 and drag my poor malnourished body to Target to fill the Rx. I am in so much pain that I can’t talk. On the way home I buy popsicles because it is all I can manage to eat. Even Peanut Butter and Jelly scorch the crap out of my throat. Derek calls and wants to know why I didn’t answer his calls. He feels bad (or so he says – evidence of how “bad” he feels is coming soon) and he asks if he can do anything. I ask him to walk the dogs.

He comes right over and walks Sammy and Thora for all of 15 seconds. Then he comes in, and tries to mess with me, and I’m like, “Damn! I just got out of the ER. Cut me a break.” So then we start talking about my health insurance and the imminent hospital bill and he calls for information on Cobra for me…even though I didn’t ask him to. Well, in the process of this useless phone call, he spills 22 ounces of coffee on my rug. He makes no attempt to clean it up. Then something tells me that I’ve left the Vicodin unattended and I am having a flash of how interested he was in the Vicodin. So I ask him if he took any. He said he put 2 in his pocket. We have an argument, I tell him to put them back because I want them. He wants to trade for 2 Percoset. What is this – The Flea Market? So I’m cleaning the coffee, recovering my Vicodin and he asks if he can eat my much coveted breakfast bar!!! Well, there it is. Like I always say, Sometimes the Straw that Breaks the Camel’s Back isn’t a Very Big Straw.

The words “Get out” come out of my mouth. He leaves, but he calls non-stop. I don’t answer his calls and figure he’ll eventually get the hint. He doesn’t. Hello to all the men out there. When she doesn’t return your calls, she’s no longer interested. Move on.

Derek tries to trick me by calling from a different number a month or so later. I fall for it, pick up, realize it’s him and quickly get off the phone with empty promises to call back. I never do. Until, that is, a drunken night with Sara weeks later. She wanted to prank people. I offer up Derek as a prime target. First number: Disconnected. Second number: The person who answers says, “Montgomery County Penitentary.” That fucker called me from JAIL. Damn that Horny Non-Dog Walking Coffee Spilling Breakfast Bar Mooching Vicodin Stealing Derek.

My parents have been here all weekend, so sorry for the delays in the updates. Well, sorry to my one fan – Sara. Mom and Dad dragged me to the Greek Church this morning, probably to meet my husband. When Sara called and I picked up the phone, it gave some creepy old Greek Man the opportunity to come up and ask me questions about my phone and ear piece. Then he wouldn’t leave. I introduced him to my parents. Mom said he really had some balls to approach me when I was with them, and that I had to at least give him some credit. Agreed, but I still cannot help laughing at the pathetic ritual that has become my dating life.

We left Church, not soon enough to pick Sara up and do a little Wal-Marting. While she and I were alone, we laughed at the prospect of giving nicknames to all our ex boyfriends and other men from our escapades. She has Danceoff David. I have Vicodin Stealing Derek. I’ll write about him next blog.

Sammy says, “Happy Summer Bitches!”

I swear that more weird shit happens to me than the normal person. I was walking Sammy (the love of my life) last night, and this guy is sitting on a bench and asks me if I need a painter to paint my house. I said no, that I’ve just thankfully finished all my home improvements. So he asks about any of my friends and I say that I don’t know. But I tell him I will hang his card on our bulletin board in my building. So one thing leads to another, and despite the fact that he is sitting on said bench with a woman, he gets up to follow me as I’m trying to inch away back toward my condo and now I’ve got a hanger-on that I can’t shake.

He starts fishing into my life like we’ve been old friends for years or something, asking all these crazy questions that basically amount to him hitting on me. Now, this man had ONE tooth left of the whole lower set, and only a few on top. I’m thinking, “Ok, I’m no supermodel, but, hello? Don’t you know that you and I are in different leagues?” I have no idea why people cannot figure out what league they are in. Those who are 1-3’s must also date those in the 1-3 category. I think 4-6’s should mate up and 7-9’s should date. Now, for the elusive 10’s – a.k.a. Brad Pitt, he needs another 10, such as, oh, Jennifer Aniston. Come on people. Get it right. I shouldn’t have to draw you a picture when you are hitting on me, should I? (Here’s you. Note how ugly you are. Now, here’s me. I’m so cute and rich and thin…)

Today I took my laptop, phone and dog to lay out on the roof. Love that wireless connection but I got suntan lotion on my backspace key. Anyway, I went topless. After an hour I realized that the building next door has full view to our roof. Am I going to end up in some pictures that I won’t be able to live down? They are just boobies, but this IS Washington D.C. People are conservative here.

Mike seems to be upset with me. He and I have played phone tag and frankly I forgot whose damn turn it is to call back. Now I just get a voicemail that says I’m playing Houdini or something and to call when I surface. I really can’t get this dating thing right can I?

Mom and Dad are coming tomorrow. I’ve hidden all the incriminating evidence.

I am the Phone Monster. At least that is my nickname from my years as a teenager. Now, my family, who was always annoyed by my telephone gabbing habits, needs to read this. All of you need a class in using the telephone at a Continuing Ed program or something.

My parents do not have call waiting. And they screen their calls. Do you know how annoying it is to call someone and have to talk to the machine like an asshole until they pick up. If I try to tell a joke, the punchline gets lost in the chaos of picking up and getting the machine to turn off. If I am on fire and need their immediate assistance – they don’t answer, making me wonder if they are sitting there listening to me or if they are really out. And don’t even get me started on the “busy signal.” What the hell is that? Most people haven’t heard a busy signal since 1981, when they pulled their Camaro off to the side of the road to make a call from a payphone.

Moving on to my brother. He has a cell phone. He uses it to call me, tells me to call him back, then promptly turns the phone off. Give me a break. The battery can always be recharged if that’s what he’s worried about.

And my other brother. He’ll call once in a while (from a landline,) when he knows he’s been remiss in keeping in touch. He leaves a message, I will call back within five minutes and the damn phone goes to voicemail because they don’t have a machine. I always wondered why this happens, how is it that he calls and then runs out the door right after? But, he finally admitted that when I’m not home he moves on to the next person on his list and when they are on that call, they don’t click over. HELLO? You JUST CALLED me! CLICK OVER DAMN IT!

That’s my rant for the day. I’ll try to be happier tomorrow.

The saga of my hellacious dating experiences. A few weeks ago I met a guy at the dog park. He was drunk, but he was holding my all time fave alcohol, Bombay Sapphire, so I felt inclined to give him my number when he asked. He had to commit it to memory since neither of us had a pen. He didn’t call – whatever. I’m used to that. And frankly, I’ll live.

Tonight I was in line behind him at Safeway. It took me a while to place him because he had shaved his head. Unfortunately, he wasn’t alone. He was with his He/She girlfriend. It had beard stubble and long hair and breasts. Why me? I didn’t do anything bad to anyone, did I?

A Code to the Quoted

07/06/10 Voulez Vous – ABBA
07/01/10 Couldn’t Get it Right – Climax Blues Band
06/30/10 N/A
06/28/10 Margaritaville – Jimmy Buffet
06/14/10 N/A
06/02/10 Looking for Love – Johnny Lee
05/27/10 Talk to Me – Stevie Nicks
05/11/10 N/A
05/02/10 N/A
04/28/10 Whatever it is – Zac Brown Band
04/25/10 Whatever it is – Zac Brown Band
04/21/10 Can’t Help Falling in Love – Elvis Presley
04/15/10 Ain’t That a Kick in the Head – Dean Martin
04/07/10 Ain’t That a Kick in the Head – Dean Martin
04/04/10 Ain’t That a Kick in the Head – Dean Martin
03/30/10 Ain’t That a Kick in the Head – Dean Martin
03/29/10 Ain’t That a Kick in the Head – Dean Martin
03/22/10 The Tide is High – Blondie
03/15/10 Right Down the Line – Gerry Rafferty
01/11/10 Those Were the Days My Friend – Mary Hopkins
12/14/09 Nobody Does it Better – Carly Simon
11/29/09 Can’t Hold Back – Survivor
11/22/09 After the Glitter Fades – Stevie Nicks
11/17/09 New York State of Mind – Billy Joel
11/06/09 N/A
11/04/09 One Bourbon One Scotch One Beer – George Thorougood
10/28/09 N/A
10/26/09 Burning for You – Blue Oyster Cult
10/20/09 Before I Knew Better – Brad Martin
10/13/09 Still the Same – Bob Seger
10/08/09 Still the Same – Bob Seger
10/05/09 Still the Same – Bob Seger
09/21/09 Are you Lonesome Tonight – Elvis
08/26/09 Cheatin’ – Sara Evans
08/17/09 Keep Your Hands to Yourself – Georgia Satellites
08/10/09 A Day in the Life – Beatles
07/21/09 Look What You’ve Done to Me – Boz Scaggs
07/17/09 N/A07/13/09 I Touch Myself – Divynls
07/08/09 Lovefool – The Cardigans
06/29/09 High on You – Survivor
06/22/09 A Day in the Life – Beatles
06/15/09 Disco Stick – Lady GaGa
06/04/09 New York State of Mind – Billy Joel
06/01/09 Here With Me – Dido
05/29/09 Here With Me – Dido
05/28/09 Here With Me – Dido
05/27/09 Here With Me – Dido
05/25/09 Wasted on the Way – Crosby Stills & Nash
05/22/09 Wasted on the Way – Crosby Stills & Nash
05/21/09 Wasted on the Way – Crosby Stills & Nash
05/20/09 Wasted on the Way – Crosby Stills & Nash
05/19/09 Just Feel Better – Aerosmith
05/18/09 Just Feel Better – Aerosmith
05/15/09 Just Feel Better – Aerosmith
05/14/09 Just Feel Better – Aerosmith
05/13/09 Just Feel Better – Aerosmith
05/12/09 Just Feel Better – Aerosmith
05/10/09 One – U2
05/08/09 One – U2
05/07/09 One – U2
05/06/09 One – U2
05/04/09 One – U2
05/03/09 Only God Knows Why – Kid Rock
04/27/09 Baker Street – Gerry Rafferty
04/22/09 N/A
04/19/09 She Sells Sanctuary – The Cult
04/15/09 Wasted on the Way – Crosby Stills & Nash
04/09/09 A Day in the Life – The Beatles
03/29/09 Been Around the World – Lisa Stansfield
03/19/09 N/A
03/17/09 Money For Nothing – Dire Straits
03/12/09 Smalltown – John Cougar Mellencamp
03/10/09 Black Dog – Led Zeppelin
03/03/09 My Own Worst Enemy – Lit
02/23/09 Photograph – Nickleback
02/22/09 I Hope You Dance – Leann Womack
01/27/09 Brilliant Disguise – Bruce Springsteen
12/29/08 N/A
12/12/08 Hot & Cold – Katy Perry
12/09/08 Inside & Out – Bee Gees
12/05/08 Slip of the Tongue – Faster Pussycat
11/30/08 November Rain – Guns N’ Roses
11/13/08 Once Bitten Twice Shy – Great White
11/12/08 Summer of ’69 – Bryan Adams
11/06/08 N/A
10/23/08 N/A
10/22/08 N/A
10/20/08 N/A
10/14/08 Figured You Out – Nickleback
10/08/08 Butterfly – Crazytown
10/02/08 N/A
09/11/08 Fightin’ For – Cross Canadian Ragweed
09/03/08 N/A
09/01/08 Seventeen – Winger
08/20/08 Summer of 69 – Bryan Adams
08/18/08 Angry all the Time – Tim McGraw
08/13/08 Movin Out – Billy Joel
08/11/08 N/A
08/06/08 Just Feel Better – Santana
07/30/08 What Have You Done For Me Lately – Janet Jackson
07/29/08 What Have You Done For Me Lately – Janet Jackson
07/23/08 Similar Features – Melissa Etheridge
07/17/08 It’s Your Love – Tim McGraw
07/16/08 N/A
07/14/08 N/A
07/09/08 N/A
06/29/08 Take it Easy on Me – Little River Band
06/25/08 Don’t Mean Nothing – Richard Marx
06/20/08 N/A
06/19/08 N/A
06/16/08 You Sang to Me – Marc Anthony
06/08/08 Kerosene – Miranda Lambert
05/28/08 Real Good Man – Tim McGraw
05/21/08 N/A
05/20/08
05/15/08
05/14/08 N/A
05/12/08 Tiny Dancer – Elton John
05/07/08 Ain’t As Good as I Once Was – Toby Keith
05/06/08
04/30/08 Country Grammar – Nelly
04/29/08
04/23/08 Baker Street – Gerry Rafferty
04/22/08
04/20/08 Sail On – Commodores
04/18/08 N/A
04/16/08 N/A
04/15/08 Baker Street – Gerry Rafferty
04/13/08 N/A
04/08/08 Putting on the Ritz – Taco
04/06/08 N/A
04/03/08 N/A
03/30/08 Always On Time – Ja Rule
03/26/08 Rock Me – Great White
03/25/08
03/23/08 N/A
03/21/08 N/A
03/19/08 Missing You – John Waite
03/18/08 She Works Hard For The Money – Donna Summer
03/12/08 Stand By Your Man – Patsy Cline
03/11/08 N/A
03/09/08 Whatever You Say – Martina McBride
03/07/08 You’re So Vain – Carly Simon
03/05/08 You Sang to Me – Marc Anthony
03/03/08 You Sang to Me – Marc Anthony
02/28/08 N/A
02/27/08 N/A
02/20/08 N/A
02/19/08 N/A
02/17/08 Evil Woman – ELO
02/14/08 West End Girls – Pet Shop Boys
02/12/08 From Charlie’s Angels Intro
02/10/08 N/A
02/05/08 N/A
02/01/08 Here For the Party – Gretchen Wilson
01/30/08 Poison – Alice Cooper
01/28/08 N/A
01/24/08 N/A
01/22/08 N/A
01/20/08 N/A
01/07/08 N/A
01/03/08 N/A
12/30/07 Wonderwall – Oasis
12/21/07 N/A
12/19/07 N/A
12/17/07 N/A
12/10/07 N/A
12/09/07 Start Me Up – Rolling Stones
12/06/07 Father of Mine – Everclear
12/03/07 You Sang to Me – Marc Anthony
11/28/07 In the End – Linkin Park
11/26/07 N/A
11/20/07 N/A
11/18/07 I’m Moving On – Rascall Flatts
11/14/07 N/A
11/11/07 N/A
11/07/07 N/A
11/04/07 Electric Gypsy – L.A. Guns
11/01/07 N/A
10/31/07 N/A
10/30/07 N/A
10/26/07 N/A
10/24/07 N/A
10/23/07 N/A
10/22/07 N/A
10/18/07 Chip Away The Stone – Aerosmith
10/14/07 N/A
10/11/07 Already Gone – The Eagles
10/09/07 N/A
10/08/07 N/A
10/03/07 Let Your Soul Be Your Pilot – Sting
09/30/07 N/A
09/26/07 For Whom the Bell Tolls – Metallica
09/25/07 N/A
09/24/07 N/A
09/20/07 N/A
09/18/07 N/A
09/17/07 N/A
09/06/07 N/A
08/28/07 N/A
08/22/07 N/A
08/17/07 N/A
08/12/07 Homer Simpson
08/05/07 N/A
08/01/07 Rehab – words changed – Amy Winehouse
07/29/07 Jump Around – House of Pain
07/25/07 New York New York – Frank Sinatra
07/24/07 N/A
07/23/07 N/A
07/22/07 My Life – Billy Joel
07/19/07 N/A
07/12/07 How Much is that Dog in the Window?
07/09/07 N/A
07/06/07 N/A
07/01/07 N/A
06/21/07 N/A
06/20/07 N/A
06/17/07 Rough n Ready – Trace Adkins
06/07/07 N/A
06/02/07 Dirrrty – Christina Aguilera
06/01/07 Anything Anything – Dramarama
05/29/07 In the End – Linkin Park
05/24/07 N/A
05/23/07 N/A
05/22/07 N/A
05/20/07 N/A
05/19/07 N/A
03/25/07 See You On The Other Side – Ozzy
03/21/07 The Bad Touch – Bloodhound Gang
03/19/07 Hero of the Day – Metallica
03/16/07 Toxic – Britney Spears
03/05/07 The Rodeo – Garth Brooks
02/25/07 Candyman – Christina Aguilera
02/23/07 N/A
02/18/07 Melissa – Allman Brothers
02/15/07 N/A
02/13/07 N/A
02/12/07 N/A
02/12/07 Watch the Wind Go By – Tim McGraw
02/05/07 I Love You – Climax Blues Band
02/02/07 N/A
01/29/07 N/A
01/29/07 I’m Movin On – Rascall Flatts
01/25/07 Candyman – Christina Aguilera
01/21/07 N/A
01/19/07 Second Chance – .38 Special
01/16/07 N/A
01/14/07 From “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.”
01/10/07 Break My Stride – Matthew Wilder
01/09/07 Take it Easy On Me – Little River Band
01/07/07 High Enough – Damn Yankees
01/03/07 Just Once – James Ingram / Quincy Jones
01/02/07 N/A
01/01/07 N/A
12/29/06 N/A
12/28/08 Talk Dirty to Me – Poison
12/26/06 Wasted Rock Ranger – Great White
12/20/06 Baker Street – Gerry Rafferty
12/18/06 I’m Good – Little Boondocks
12/14/06 N/A
12/12/06 I Hope You Dance – Lee Ann Womack
12/10/06 Allentown – Billy Joel
12/04/06 Down in Mississippi – Sugarland
12/02/06 Down in Mississippi – Sugarland
11/30/06 Down in Mississippi – Sugarland
11/29/06 Down in Mississippi – Sugarland
11/27/06 N/A
11/19/06 Fighter – Christina Aguilera
11/13/06 N/A
11/12/06 Hero of the Day – Metallica
11/09/06 N/A
11/08/06 Please Remember Me – Tim McGraw
11/06/06 Heartbreaker – Dionne Warwick
11/05/06 Bring on the Rain – Jo Dee Messina
11/03/06 Already Gone – Eagles
11/01/06 Left Outside Alone – Anastacia
10/31/06 Estranged – Guns N’ Roses
10/29/06 Fightin’ For – Cross Canadian Ragweed
10/26/06 Lay Your Body Down – Poison
10/22/06 How’s It Gonna Be – Third Eye Blind
10/20/06 How’s It Gonna Be – Third Eye Blind
10/19/06 How’s It Gonna Be – Third Eye Blind
10/17/06 Before He Cheats – Carrie Underwood
10/16/06 Courtesy of the Red White and Blue – Toby Keith
10/15/06 Talk to Me – Stevie Nicks
10/15/06 N/A
10/13/06 N/A
10/11/06 I Hope You Dance – Leann Womack
10/09/06 Darling Nikki – Prince
10/08/06 N/A
10/05/06 N/A
10/04/06 We Are Family –
10/03/06 Mr. Brightside – The Killers
10/02/06 Sexual Healing – Marvin Gaye
09/29/06 Wonderwall – Oasis
09/27/06 In These Arms – Bon Jovi
09/25/06 Thank You – Dido
09/18/06 With a Little Help From My Friends – Beatles
09/14/06 Home Sweet Home – Motley Crue
09/13/06 N/A
09/11/06 Have You Forgotten – Darryl Worley
09/07/06 Big Shot – Billy Joel
09/05/06 Bad Medicine – Bon Jovi
09/04/06 In the End – Linkin Park
09/01/06 New Strings – Miranda Lambert
08/31/06 N/A
08/29/06 Band on the Run – Wings
08/27/06 A Little Too Late – Toby Keith
08/25/06 My Life – Billy Joel
08/24/06 Why Can’t This Be Love – Van Halen
08/22/06 How Did You Get Here – Deborah Cox
08/21/06 The Cowboy in Me – Tim McGraw
08/21/06 Sin Wagon – Dixie Chicks
08/17/06 Lady – Little River Band
08/14/06 N/A
08/13/06 Point of No Return – Expose
08/10/06 Please Remember Me – Tim McGraw
08/08/06 Santeria – Sublime
08/06/06 Freedom ’90 – George Michael
08/04/06 Lot of Leavin to Do – Dierks Bentley
08/03/06 I’m Movin On – Rascal Flatts
08/02/06 Mr. Brightside – The Killers
08/01/06 Obsession – Animotion
07/31/06 Obsession – Animotion
07/27/06 Talk to Me – Stevie Nicks
07/27/06 N/A
07/27/06 Talk Dirty to Me – Poison
07/26/06 N/A
07/24/06 The Cowboy in Me – Tim McGraw
07/21/06 Lay Your Body Down – Poison
07/20/06 Hurts So Good – John Cougar Mellencamp
07/18/06 Hero of the Day – Metallica
07/18/06 N/A
07/16/06 Real Good Man – Tim McGraw
07/14/06 Baker Street – Gerry Rafferty
07/13/06 Lay Your Body Down – Poison
07/11/06 I Hope You Dance – Leann Womack
07/09/06 Crush – Jennifer Paige
07/06/06 How Did You Get Here – Deborah Cox
07/05/06 Baker Street – Gerry Rafferty
07/02/06 Michigan My Michigan – Major James W. Long
06/29/06 I Hope You Dance – Leann Womack
06/28/06 N/A
06/27/06 N/A
06/26/06 Bring on the Rain – JoDee Messina
06/26/06 Dirty – Christina Aguilera
06/21/06 Lay Your Body Down – Poison
06/19/06 Heart the Hunter – Great White
06/18/06 Bring on the Rain – Jo Dee Messina
06/14/06 N/A
06/13/06 Rhinestone Cowboy – Glen Campbell
06/11/06 Estranged – Guns N’ Roses
06/08/06 The Cowboy in Me – Tim McGraw
06/07/06 Bring on the Rain – JoDee Messina
06/06/06 Only God Knows Why – Kid Rock
06/04/06 This is How a Heart Breaks – Rob Thomas
06/02/06 Fast Cars & Freedom – Rascal Flatts
06/01/06 Here for the Party – Gretchen Wilson
05/31/06 Hero of the Day – Metallica
05/29/06 Lot of Leavin Left to Do – Dierks Bentley
05/25/06 We Are The Champions – Queen
05/09/06 Talk to Me – Stevie Nicks
05/07/06 Cheatin – Sara Evans
05/07/06 Cheatin – Sara Evans
05/04/06 Lot of Leavin Left to Do – Dierks Bentley
05/04/06 Foolish Games – Jewel
05/04/06 Kerosene – Miranda Lambert
05/02/06 Standback – Stevie Nicks
05/01/06 Kerosene – Miranda Lambert
04/30/06 Heartbreaker – Dionne Warwick
04/27/06 Take it Easy – The Eagles
04/26/06 Come a Little Closer – Dierks Bentley
04/24/06 Like We Never Loved at All – Faith Hill
04/20/06 N/A
04/19/06 N/A
04/18/06 Hero of the Day – Metallica
04/16/06 The Cowboy in Me – Tim McGraw
04/13/06 N/A
04/09/06 Can’t Get Enuff – Winger
04/05/06 Come to My Window – Melissa Ethridge
04/05/06 N/A
04/04/06 Livin’ Thing – ELO
04/03/06 Hero of the Day – Metallica
04/02/06 N/A
03/30/06 I Believe in a Thing Called Love – The Darkness
03/27/06 N/A
03/25/06 You’re Gone – Diamond Rio
03/23/06 Ukranian Favorite
03/22/06 Once Bitten Twice Shy – Great White
03/20/06 Sin Wagon – Dixie Chicks
03/18/06 Movin Out – Billy Joel
03/17/06 The Cowboy in Me – Tim McGraw
03/16/06 Bathwater – No Doubt
03/15/06 Why Can’t This Be Love – Van Halen
03/14/06 Only the Good Die Young – Billy Joel
03/13/06 Movin Out – Billy Joel
03/11/06 Another Night – Real McCoy
03/08/06 Talk to Me – Stevie Nicks
03/07/06 Heaven – Los Lonely Boys
03/06/06 Don’t Go Away Mad – Motley Crue
03/02/06 Bring on the Rain – Jo Dee Messina
02/28/06 Lay Your Body Down – Poison
02/25/06 Without You – Dixie Chicks
02/24/06 It’s Just Lunch Recap
02/22/06 N/A
02/21/06 Kerosene – Miranda Lambert
02/19/06 I Wouldn’t Have Missed it For the World – Ronnie Milsap
02/16/06 Straight Up – Paula Abdul
02/15/06 I Believe in a Thing Called Love – The Darkness
02/13/06 Ain’t Nothing About You – Brooks & Dunn
02/12/06 Ain’t Nothing About You – Brooks & Dunn
02/11/06 Uh…
02/09/06 Two Steps Behind – Def Leppard
02/08/06 Bad Touch – Bloodhound Gang
02/06/06 Kerosene – Miranda Lambert
02/04/06 Back to the Cave – Lita Ford
02/03/06 Like a Rolling Stone – Rolling Stones or Bob Dylan, whichever you prefer
02/02/06 Poetry
01/31/06 Every Rose Has It’s Thorn – Poison
01/30/06 Silver Spring – Fleetwood Mac
01/27/06 I’m getting a little lazy with song lyrics
01/27/06 El Guapo
01/26/06 El Guapo
01/26/06 El Guapo
01/25/06 Abra Cadabra – Steve Miller Band
01/25/06 Choose Your Own Adventure – This ain’t a song!
01/25/06 You Can Talk to Me – Stevie Nicks
01/22/06 When I said I Do – Clint Black
01/19/06 We’ve Got Tonight – I prefer the Kenny Rogers version to Bob Seger
01/17/06 What the Cat Dragged In – Poison
01/15/06 Why Can’t This Be Love – Van Halen
01/13/06 N/A
01/12/06 Lay Your Body Down – Poison
01/11/06 Nothin But the Tail Lights – Clint Black
01/10/06 N/A
01/09/06 N/A
01/08/06 N/A
01/07/06 Leather & Lace – Stevie Nicks
01/06/06 Lay Your Body Down – Poison
01/05/06 All These Things That I’ve Done – The Killers
01/04/06 Jump Around – House of Pain
01/03/06 Double Duh
01/01/06 Duh
12/30/05 Every Rose Has Its Thorn – Poison
12/29/05 Crazy On You – Heart
12/29/05 Crazy On You – Heart
12/29/05 Obsession – Animotion
12/28/05 Estranged – Guns N’ Roses
12/27/05 You Can Talk To Me – Stevie Nicks
12/26/05 Figured You Out – Nickleback
12/23/05 A Warm & Fuzzy is my own
12/21/05 Unwritten – Natasha Beddingfield
12/21/05 Unwritten – Natasha Beddingfield
12/21/05 “I hate them” is my own creativity at work
12/19/05 Angry All The Time – Tim McGraw
12/19/05 Breathe – Anna Nalick
12/18/05 The Cowboy in Me – Tim McGraw
12/16/05 So Many Men – Miquel Brown
12/15/05 So Many Men – Miquel Brown
12/14/05 Bathwater – No Doubt
12/13/05 Hit That – The Offspring
12/12/05 Hit That – The Offspring
12/11/05 We Just Disagree – Billy Dee
12/10/05 No Way Out – Tesla
12/08/05 The Cowboy In Me – Tim McGraw
12/07/05 Just What I Need – Trick Pony
12/05/05 Just What I Need – Trick Pony
12/01/05 Wonderwall – Oasis
11/28/05 The Things We Do For Love – 10cc
11/26/05 I Wanna Fall In Love – Lila McCann
11/21/05 Velvet’s Own Concoction
11/20/05 BasketCase – Greenday
11/18/05 Estranged – Guns N’ Roses
11/17/05 Estranged – Guns N’ Roses
11/16/05 You’re So Vain – Carly Simon
11/15/05 Heartbreaker – Dionne Warwick
11/13/05 Heartbreaker – Dionne Warwick
11/12/05 Ask Sammy and Thora
11/11/05 Fat Lip – Sum41
11/10/05 Sin Wagon – Dixie Chicks
11/08/05 Dream Walkin – Toby Keith
11/07/05 Cold Blood – Kix
11/06/05 Rhinestone Cowboy – Glen Campbell
11/05/05 Tiny Dancer – Elton John
11/03/05 This isn’t a song!
11/02/05 Hit That – Offspring
10/31/05 Figured You Out – Nickleback
10/30/05 This isn’t a song!
10/28/05 Same in the End – Sublime
10/27/05 Bathwater – No Doubt
10/26/05 Mr. Brightside – The Killers
10/25/05 Velvet Original (not so original)
10/24/05 Hey Bartender – Paul Sanchez
10/23/05 My Doorbell – The White Stripes
10/22/05 Mr. Brightside – The Killers
10/21/05 Rock Me – Great White
10/19/05 Lookin for Love – Johnny Lee
10/18/05 I Can’t Drive 55 – Sammy Hagar
10/14/05 Separate Ways – Journey
10/10/05 Wonderwall – Oasis
10/06/05 Midnight Train To Georgia – Gladys Knight & The Pips
10/05/05 Don’t Look Back In Anger – Oasis
10/03/05 Nothing But the Taillights – Clint Black
10/02/05 Wonderwall – Oasis
09/30/05 Rock Me Great – White
09/29/05 Sin Wagon Dixie – Chicks
09/28/05 Careless Whisper – Wham
09/27/05 Bad Touch – Bloodhound Gang
09/26/05 Maggie May – Rod Stewart
09/25/05 Dream Walkin – Toby Keith
09/24/04 A Velvet Original
09/23/05 Sin Wagon – Dixie Chicks
09/22/05 Without You – Dixie Chicks
09/21/05 When September Ends – Greenday
09/19/05 Don’t Waste Your Heart – Dixie Chicks
09/16/05 Mother – Danzig
09/15/05 Mother – Danzig
09/14/05 The Cowboy in Me – Tim McGraw
09/11/05 Blue Hawaiian
09/08/05 Rock Me – Great White
09/07/05 Fire Woman – The Cult
09/06/05 Let The Good Times Rock – Europe
09/06/05 A Velvet Original
09/05/05 Down Boys – Warrant
09/04/05 That Don’t I’mpress Me Much – Shania Twain
09/03/05 When September Ends – Greenday
09/01/05 The Last Mile – Cinderella
08/30/05 Bathwater – No Doubt
08/29/05 Rock Me – Great White
08/28/05 Somebody Told Me – The Killers
08/26/05 How’s It Going to Be – Third Eye Blind
08/26/05 How’s It Going to Be – Third Eye Blind
08/25/05 How’s It Going to Be – Third Eye Blind
08/24/05 Rhiannon – Stevie Nicks
08/24/05 A Velvet Original
08/23/05 Only God Knows Why – Kid Rock
08/22/05 Poison Ivy – Faster Pussycat
08/21/05 If – Janet Jackson
08/20/05 Hollywood – Junkyard
08/18/05 Estranged – Guns N’ Roses
08/17/05 Cold Blood – Kix
08/15/05 Wait – White Lion
08/14/05 Hysteria – Def Leppard
08/13/05 Eye in the Sky – Alan Parsons Project
08/12/05 Rock Me – Great White
08/11/05 Love on the Rocks – Neil Diamond
08/10/05 Karma Chameleon – Culture Club
08/09/05 Karma Chameleon – Culture Club
08/09/05 Criminal – Fiona Apple
08/08/05 It’s A Great Day to be Alive – Travis Tritt
08/07/05 Real Good Man – Tim McGraw
08/06/05 Bad Touch – Bloodhound Gang
08/05/05 How’s It Going to Be – Third Eye Blind
08/04/05 Only God Knows Why – Kid Rock
08/03/05 Jack & Diane – John Mellencamp
08/02/05 Evil Woman – ELO
08/01/05 Shakespeare
07/30/05 Eye in the Sky – Alan Parsons Project
07/29/05 That’s What Friends Are For – Dionne Warwick
07/29/05 Eye in the Sky – Alan Parsons Project
07/27/05 Hotel California – Eagles
07/26/05 Smooth Rob Thomas – Santana
07/25/05 Girls Girls Girls – Motley Crue
07/25/05 Hysteria – Def Leppard
07/23/05 Ride the Wind – Poison
07/22/05 Wasted Rock Ranger – Great White
07/21/05 Criminal – Fiona Apple
07/21/05 Wonderwall – Oasis
07/19/05 Bathwater – No Doubt
07/19/05 Lyin Eyes – Eagles
07/17/05 Like a Rolling Stone – Dylan or Stones
07/17/05 Don’t Ask Me Why – Billy Joel
07/16/05 I’m no Angel – Allman Brothers
07/15/05 Somebody Told Me – The Killers
07/14/05 No More Lonely Nights – Paul McCartney
07/13/05 Criminal – Fiona Apple
07/12/05 Bad Touch – Bloodhound Gang
07/12/05 None
07/07/05 Hands Clean – Alanis Morrissette
07/05/05 Under My Thumb – Rolling Stones
07/03/05 Only God Knows Why – Kid Rock
06/26/05 Somebody Told Me – The Killers
06/23/05 Bloodhound Gang Album
06/22/05 A Velvet Original…ha ha
06/21/05 A Velvet Original

This is a compilation of my best conclusions, quotes and deep thoughts. The date of June 14, 2005 is irrelevant, as this post is updated frequently and linked to through the Quotable Velvet Link.

• “Ok, I’m no supermodel, but, hello? Don’t you know that you and I are in different leagues?” I have no idea why people cannot figure out what league they are in. Those who are 1-3’s must also date those in the 1-3 category. I think 4-6’s should mate up and 7-9’s should date. Now, for the elusive 10’s – a.k.a. Brad Pitt, he needs another 10, such as, oh, Jennifer Aniston. Come on people. Get it right. I shouldn’t have to draw you a picture when you are hitting on me, should I? (Here’s you. Note how ugly you are. Now, here’s me. I’m so cute and rich and thin…) 6.23.05
• Sometimes the straw that breaks the camel’s back isn’t a very big straw. 7.3.05
• Do you ever look at someone when you are on a subway who is on another subway, and you are going one direction and they are going the other and you think, “Am I supposed to be over there?” It’s not a literal feeling, like, “Shit, I’m on the wrong train.” It’s more of a feeling like, “This train is taking me to work, or whatever, and I wonder if that train is going to take me somewhere better or happier.” 7.14.05
• I wanted to save my reputation, because you know what? In my world land development, you can never repair damage to your name. Your name and reputation are worth more than anything else you have. (That’s from my dad, I can’t take credit for that.) 7.14.05
• he said that I really was the “bigger person” for sending him an email and saying that I was wrong for canceling so many times. In the distance, I can hear the ding ding ding of the slot machine jackpot, for, being the BIGGER PERSON is my God Damned New Year’s Resolution from 2004. We can all thank my family for that. They test my will and push the envelope daily, making me work for that resolution. Does anyone remember when they went to London and Paris without me??? I’m not bitter, really. 7.14.05
• If they are not talking to you, they are talking to someone else. 7.18.05
• It makes me realize that good ones are hard to find. Good ones with chemistry – even harder. 7.21.05
• No details you fuckers because I like him and details aren’t funny when you really like someone. Now, on to details about people I don’t like. 7.27.05
• That’s great. Did I tell you about my latest yeast infection? 7.27.05
• Then I’ll always be the crazy girl he met on the internet who stalked him, crashed under his window and was towed away and probably arrested. I don’t want to be his good story – I want him to be my good story. 8.1.05
• No more picking up men at the dog park for me. 8.4.05
• If you can’t beat ’em, date ’em. 8.5.06

• This morning he called, and since I stared at it but didn’t actually answer it, he had to leave a voicemail. He said Babe! Where have you been? I havent heard from you, call me back. WTF? WTF? WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!? I call back and we start to get into a pissing match about who called who. When I put him on the spot, he develops a stomach cramp and puts me on hold. A STOMACH CRAMP? Thats the fucking best you can do? Christ. It would have been more believable if he said he was being mugged and they were stealing his phone. Or like in Pee Wee Herman when he calls home and the girl says Maybe when you come back we can go out? And he blows all this air into the phone and says they have a bad connection. Now, that would have been funnier.8.20.05
• Then I call DamascusBoy back. Somehow we got from a normal conversation to the status of us and why we have never dated in these past two years. I asked him a question about my tattoo and can I bleed my last name into the existing tattoo. So were talking about that and he says that hell have to see it. Of course. I wouldnt have assumed otherwise. Somehow, after this, we get into the craziest conversation back and forth where he says We should just get married. So I said, Fine, lets see the ring. Then hes saying Can we go on our honeymoon in Hawaii? I said that was fine. Then I ask where we will live. He says, Your place on the weekend and mine during the week. I agree again. Then he asks Kids? I said No kids. There was his deal breaker. Oh well. I tried. My dating experiences are getting faster and faster. Ive basically got it down to where I dont even have to go out with them anymore. It starts and ends in 25 minutes. 8.23.05
• so much of modern medicine is the medical version of the IT desk’s “shut down and reboot.” They don’t really know what’s wrong, can’t fix it per se, but hope that by starting over again, you will be normal this time. 8.25.05
• You moron, we’re in Dupont Circle! It was the gays that made this one time ghetto habitable for the rest of us yuppies. 9.3.05
• This man is proof positive that no amount of money can buy you class. 9.3.05
• The hell we are. Who do you think I am? Natalee Holloway? I’m not going anywhere with you two so that my family can see CNN preempt the hurricane coverage tomorrow to talk about some D.C. girl who went missing. 9.3.05
• I’m going to start bringing mace on my dates. I might need it. 9.3.05
• Well, I got an email from yesterday’s trash, I mean, my date from last night. 9.4.05
• What? Is he sitting in a room with the glue open? 9.4.05
• I have dating-A.D.D. 9.5.05
• It goes without saying that each person in any relationship, whether it’s a friendship, family member, or significant other, has to derive something from the union. Now, only when you stop getting what you need or want from it, and only when it stops being a two way street can you call the game over. For me, there’s no one who is immune to this simple equation, family included. I’ve been through so much with my family and we repaired the relationship despite the fact that it looked like we may never speak again. They only got a second chance with me because they are my parents. But, if they ever treat me again the way they have in the past, I can say goodbye and never look back. 9.11.05
• Men suck. Yes, that goes for all of you. Yes, you in the back too. 9.19.06
• the intersection of Shit Street and Fuck it All Boulevard… 9.21.05
• I can officially cross “Throw a sandwich in someone’s face” off the list of things I must accomplish in my lifetime. 9.23.05
• Being nice to people ALWAYS backfires like a 1979 TransAm with Jersey Plates. 9.23.05
• When man tries to control an animal, the animal in the end, has a way of showing who’s boss. 9.23.05
• he didn’t understand that I thought he was condescending and I didn’t understand his assessment that I went “psycho.” We’ve really got the makings of a beautiful, committed, communicative relationship in the works. 9.25.05
• in the spirit of getting back to the basics of what I do worst, I’m officially in the dating game again. I posted profiles on Yahoo and Match, and so far I’ve attracted most of the current residents and several alumni from the We-be-missing-some-teeth-Trailer Park. I might have to date some of them just for fun. And the fuckers at “It’s Just Lunch” have called again. So, we’ll see what shitpile they are going to dump me into later this week. Can’t wait. 9.25.05
• Moving with M was hilariously hilarious. We went to his old condo to “pick up the last few things.” I should have brought something like, oh, a U-Haul, because his “last few things” were equivalent to what I would term “enough stuff to send to a homeless Katrina Hurricane Family.” 9.26.05
• I’ll have a backseat omelette with a side of birdshit. 9.26.05
• The sargeant at this salon told me to drop my drawers. And I did. But then my legs were in all sorts of sexual positions and frankly, it was a little embarrassing, even for me, who fantasizes about a career as a stripper. 9.27.05
• I’m really scratching things off my Life-To-Do list. Now I’ve been masturbated by a Thai woman with my own hand. 9.27.05
• When I realized that I wasn’t going to fall back asleep, that the T.V. channels I like to watch are still in infomercial mode, that none of your blogs had possibly been updated yet, that the news hadn’t changed in three hours, and that there was no one awake to possibly talk to, I hopped online and started ordering porn. 9.29.05
• But it’s interesting that the things men love about you in the beginning are the things that they end up hating about you most when you start having problems. 9.29.05
• a girl just can’t walk around with her panties in a knot for an interminable amount of time. After a thorough examination of the contents of one battery operated item in my nightstand drawer, I was ready to begin my day. 9.30.05
• “Am I to understand that you are dating a man who is jealous of your vibrator and love of porn?” 9.30.05
• At best, we would only have a few years together before you retire to a trailerpark in Florida, taking your handicap parking sticker with you thereby leaving me to fend for mall parking on my own and having to relearn how to eat dinner in the non-early-bird hours of 7 p.m. 10.3.05
• Ugly Is The New Normal 10.3.05
• I don’t even like to leave Dupont Circle. I am pissed off when I have to take the dogs to the groomer on 14th Street, a mere three blocks away. Why the fuck would I want to make a “friend” in PA? “5 minutes from Maryland” is still hours from no where. 10.3.05
• He has since deleted his profile, but the message remains in my inbox. I’m afraid to hover my mouse over it to delete it. It’s the same apprehension I would feel at having to poke a dead body with a stick. 10.3.05
• Online dating contines to be a fruitful way to meet quality men. 10.5.05
• I didn’t realize I needed a CIA Code Breaker to help me date, but, this is D.C. and, well, I guess it was only a matter of time. 10.6.05
• You all should thank me, however, because I singlehandedly propped up our economy for another day. When the housing bubble busts and gas hits $7 a gallon, don’t come crying to Velvet because it was VELVET who cleaned the racks at TJ Maxx, Filene’s Basement, Marshalls, Kramer Books, Barnes & Noble, Petco, and Saks Fifth Avenue. 10.6.05
• Cop says, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” Penny said, “No sir.” Cop says, (classic line coming:) “Because you almost hit me.” 10.18.05
• while he set a new standard, he didn’t really see inside my soul. 10.21.05
• dating a man whether he has one or more children ensures me one thing – I will never be number one in his life. And I deserve that, if only for a fleeting time. 10.21.05
• But, dating is a numbers game and don’t let anyone tell you anything different. The more men I meet and date, the better my chances at finding someone worthy. 10.21.05
• Why am I crapping where I eat again? This is the stupidity equivalent to my dating the motorcycle instructor before the test, to my dating my R.A. in college and having to pass his door when I was sneaking home with someone else, to my dating the construction manager at a job in Maryland and putting myself in a massively awkward position in many capacities. I am dating the bartender at a venue that I will not be able to avoid in the future. I’m an idiot. 10.22.05
• It’s only four years difference but I already feel like it’s a Stiffler’s Mom & Finch scenario of sorts. 10.23.05
• So, by process of elimination, I have HIV? 11.2.05
• Has my dating finally come full circle and someone’s girlfriend is now after me? Okay, but I can’t fight with the left side of my face though!! 11.2.05
• Also, on my dates, there is usually an event such as, date farts and blames it on someone else, which require from me, some sort of expression of disgust. I have tested out what sort of expressions I could muster, and they look more inquisitive than appropriate for the scene that is destined to take place. I just don’t think a half smile or single raised eyebrow will serve me well for dating. 11.3.05
• If you need to contact me, I will be residing somewhere between the neighborhoods of La-La Land and Celibacy, balancing several medications, waiting on blood test results, scheduling visits with a neurologist and in general, fine-tuning other skills. Love and Half-Kisses, Velvet in Dupont 11.3.05
• When it isn’t fun anymore, it isn’t worth it. 11.5.05
• Damn, and I can’t even find time to masturbate. All right all right, liar liar pants on fire. I’ve been late to work for masturbating. 11.6.05
• Velvet is a confirmed hetero. Girl tongue in my mouth makes me want to throw up everything I ate since Valentine’s Day. 11.6.05
• pretty much expected that I would be on my way out before I could settle in. Men seem to have a VERY short shelf life in your life, as they should. 11.7.05
• I just don’t agree with maintaining relationships with people from your past if those people can hijack any chance of happiness from your future. 11.7.05
• Velvet is a selfish dating bitch. Any recommendations, positive or otherwise, of certain establishments may be a hoax to divert competition out of the playing field. The preferred dating odds of Velvet are a room full of 98% single, eligible men and 2% women. The women comprised in the 2% must be in Velvet’s party or must be cool enough to hang out with. 11.10.05
• When I got in the elevator at the hotel, I was making faces in the mirror to see how my Bell’s Palsy was doing. (Coming along, thanks for asking.) Then I realized of course that the elevators were all glass and the whole lobby could see me. Granted there were only three people in the lobby, but still. As the floors clicked away, bringing me higher and higher, I felt like the biggest fraud – like the brakes were going to come on and say, “Get out here, we don’t take your type past the 3rd floor.” 11.11.05
• We thought the “mall” was the place Mommy goes to for hours, then comes back with thousands of bags and proclaims, “Well fuckers, you can’t eat for a few weeks, Mommy really did it this time.” 11.12.05
• I bounced my ass (and seven eighths of my face) back into the middle of the dating scene. 11.17.05
• It’s too complicated to explain that I’ve entrusted my dating life to a bunch of sorority girls with double digit IQ’s who would probably set me up on a date at a cemetary with a man who is already dead and buried. (“You’ll be meeting him at the third tombstone from the left….he only just died a month ago, stop being so picky.”) 11.18.05
• Why is it that women constantly settle for less and men constantly strive to achieve better? You never really see an incredibly hot man with brains, great job, money, with a piss poor woman who is just average in the looks department. But you will often see the opposite. 11.20.05
• Thank goodness I am not a lesbian. Could you imagine? “Velvet, can you not be a rugmuncher this weekend? It just doesn’t work in my schedule.” 11.21.05
• At my parent’s house, it’s always the same: a bunch of unrecognizable things in the freezer that may or may not be older than I am, and chocolate in the pantry. 11.21.05
• he said what I always get: I feel like I could tell you anything. What? Why do I get that? I’m one of the biggest assholes I know. I dont know why people say that to me. 12.10.05
• He also said, “Your phone rings a lot.” I said, “I only plan on answering it if my parents call. It’s my rule. Parents or boss, I pick it up.” He said, “You and I are so different. I would never do that.” Suck it. Mom squeezed me out from between her legs. Dad helped me out tremendously with paying for school and my current abode. Both of them love me despite the mass levels of insanity they inflict on the world around them and I answer the phone when they call. My boss gave me the best job ever and pays me way too much to do it so I answer his calls too. So, again, suck it. 12.11.05
• You know how people have May-December romances? I have Friday-Sunday romances. Make that Friday-Saturday. 12.11.05
• You know, I could fuck just about anybody, but I couldn’t hold just anybody’s hand. 12.11.05
• You know what I find attractive about you? The combination of someone who is smart–and reads–but at the same time has an illegal streak, has sex in bathrooms, has a tongue ring and learned how to use it by watching porn. 12.12.05
• Yes, my tongue saw a lot of activity this weekend. Actually, if we compare the two, the personal trainer and this dude, I bet my tongue saw the lowest and highest IQ’s of my dating career. I depress me. At least I ended with the high IQ. 12.12.05
• My number is in more places than Borf. 12.12.05
• Now for some other tidbits on men I won’t be dating. One man said to me: “You are a very strong person but empty within.” It’s an interesting statement, but I doubt after a few minutes of emailing that he could sense that. He needs to use that line on an 18 year old. She’d gush, “He gets me.” I’m much deeper than that. Apparently it takes a man to recognize my love of porn and public sex to really “get me.” 12.12.05
• I have to keep the CL# beginning to their nickname, so then I can keep track where they came from. It’s like a marketing effort, “And how did you hear about dating Velvet?” 12.13.05
• Sidenote – drunk as I am, you should SEE the tiny Velvet-sized-parking-space that I poured SpeedRacer into. I cannot believe it. Shut up, I only drove 4 blocks, but it’s under 20 degrees out there. 12.13.05
• note how I say that I can’t accommodate your wishes because I’m already busy. (Busy as in, taking a toothpick to the space between the planks of my hardwood floors and picking out any stray dirt and trapped dog hair.) 12.14.05
• Men tell you exactly who they are within five minutes of meeting them. 12.16.05
• Dating is a numbers game. The more people you meet, the better the chance that one will be a match. 12.16.05
• So what, you dated a beauty queen, the real question is, does she swallow? 12.18.05
• People show their true colors when they are drunk and when they are stressed. When people can’t cope in either situation, their real personality comes roaring out. 12.18.05
• Somehow, as I was crouching to sit, the bum leg gave out and I fell onto the toilet. Only me. I swear. I started to become worried at this point that I had Bells Palsy of the leg or something. I stood up and I felt very weird. I paced inside the bathroom for a couple minutes, checked the heel on my boot, poked my leg in various places, and started to recover a little. When I got back to the bar, Date#9LowTalker seemed to make a statement about me taking a while or something so I said there was a line. (Yeah, behind my peg leg.) And he said, “But the place is empty.” 12.18.05
• Are you telling me there is land south of the end of the Jersey Turnpike? 12.23.05
• I wait a few minutes, then pull out my brand spanking new Sprint PCS cell phone (PCS stands for Piece of Cocksucking Shit in case you didn’t know.) 12.23.05
• But then I walk in and my mother greets me like I was the Pope bringing 8 gallons of holy water and a couple of bagels . 12.23.05
• I never realized that that fateful weekend in 2000 was the beginning of an event unprecendented in my family – one of the chosen children was now on the outside of the circle. And I was somehow back on the inside. 12.23.05
• You must know that when it’s down to a man vs. Velvet, Velvet always wins. 12.28.05
• Well, the art of timing is really fucking me in the ass today. 12.30.05
• Chemistry is elusive. We have chemistry with people who are right for us and people who are not. We have to differentiate between the two and make wise choices for ourselves. 1.5.06
• Really? (The really was said with a tone as if I had just said, “George Bush is the best President ever.” It was incredulous, like he couldn’t believe me…which leads me to wonder, Did I somehow lead him on???) 1.5.06
• I just spent $2300 at the Neurologist. Let me say that again, because I’m not sure those in the back heard. I just spent $2300 at the Neurologist. 1.10.06
• Something isn’t passing the sniff test. 1.11.06
• I’m ruthless and conniving when it comes to my own entertainment. 1.15.06
• I decided it was best to keep him overnight, you know, for observation. 1.15.06
• Barbara already gave me some advice, which I love. She slapped me around mom-style. Well, not my mom’s style. My mom would spout out an unfounded insult about him, based on lies, to mask her disappointment that he’s not Greek. Barbara said: “Don’t start doubting a relationship that is still alive and seemingly well.” 1.15.06
• Snark aside, why did I force the money on him? This is very important, pay attention foolish women who mooch favors from men by batting eyelashes: Once I paid for services rendered with the American Dollar, he could no longer feel as if I “owed” him something, i.e. a dinner that I didn’t want to have. Never accept a free favor from a person who you don’t want anything to do with. It was tacky of him to ask me out since I basically hired him to work for me. But it would be more tacky of me to not give him anything for the work, then avoid his advances. 1.17.06
• Stop letting Oprah do all your thinking for you. 1.27.06
• I went fishing out of the recycling bin. 1.31.06
• I thought about thanking him for ditching me and leaving me with the others in his CL Graduating Class. Who can forget the likes of CL#1Writer (a.k.a. the octopus) and CL#3TextTormenter (who still calls me) but I figure I can still pretend to be a CL Virgin. 1.31.06
• I guess half the disappointment of losing a man in your life is the idea of getting out there again and starting all over. But lucky for me, one was lounging in the recycling bin and had not been taken from the curb. 1.31.06
• While I truly enjoy dating, getting shit on by dates, and utilizing other bloggers to torture assholes who prove themselves as such before I find myself out on a date with them, I don’t want to do this forever. 1.31.06
• I get it. The book the book the book. Fuck that book. What has that book done for me lately? In case anyone was keeping score, I’m still single. 1.31.06
• You know how they say Astronauts can see the bright lights of Vegas from space? Well, add this chicks bangs to that list. 2.6.06
• I’m really learning lessons left and right over here. Left and right. By the way dude, make sure you look left and right before you try to jump out in traffic to get away from me. 2.6.06
• I want to do very very very bad things to this man. 2.8.06
• There should never be speculation on how you feel about someone. When it comes to matters of chemistry, you don’t even have to think about it. It’s strong enough to tell you directly. 2.9.06
• He’s not gone. But he’s definitely doing some circular floating near the bottom of the drain. 2.13.06
• I’m still not pleased that the damn guards at my heart went out for a piss break and left the place unmanned. Then some asshole got in and shit all over the place. Lazy guards. You just can’t find good help these days. I hired extra guards and expect that all points of entry have been armed. 2.28.06
• “Velvet, this is Craigslist A.A. calling. Step away from the computer.” 2.28.06
• Guess he’s over there checking his dance card to see who it could possibly be. 3.2.06
• I’ve never minded this non-stop dating before because I never wanted to set the circus down with one man before. But all of a sudden, during and after the end of NewJersey, I realized that it might be time for me. I want more. I don’t know how I’m going to get it, but I want more. 3.2.06
• Enter the Horny Hungarian, stage left. When he realized it was me he was within five feet of, he took off like a rabid animal on red bull running from a gun pointing Dick Cheney. He took off right into the kitchen of Chi Cha, where he was promptly kicked out. 3.6.06
• Normally my dreams are of the plane crashing, dogs dying, pulling super long snot out of my nose variety. 3.11.06
• After I had sufficiently sprayed my phone number from one end of the Terrace Club to another, we decided to leave. 3.13.06
• We go on our date, and his cell phone rings. Now, this would be a normal scene for anyone on a date in today’s time. But let me remind you: The year is 1996. Cell phones were the size of shoeboxes at the time. 3.13.06
• It was really a mess of flowers, no one flower looking like the next. They looked wild if you asked me, but what the hell did I know? I’ve rarely been on the receiving end of flowers. I brought the mess home with me, plopped it on the kitchen counter and went up to my room. To do what, I have no idea. We didn’t have internet back then. 3.13.06
• I hear my brother go bounding down the stairs, careen around the corner, stop dead in his tracks and start cackling like a hyena who just smoked a joint. “WHAT IDIOT GAVE YOU THESE WEEDS?” 3.13.06
• Unless you were living under a rock at the time, you would have immediately recognized the type in track suits, thick gold chains and crunchy hair as refugees from Long Island. 3.14.06
• Track suits were manhandled. Gold chains were snatched. Crunchy hair came dangerously close to taking out an eye. Zima’s were spilled. The men were eventually ejected from the bar faster than trash gets dumped in the Long Island Sound. 3.14.06
• Shit, I couldnt find a good relationship if I crashed my car into it. 3.16.06
• Since I was a mere 20 years old, and unable to go out drinking for New Years Eve due to my fake ID that just fell out of a Cracker Jack box, I took a shift at work. 3.17.06
• In other news, I had my fabulous tattoo added to last week. Now I have half a back of artwork. Nice. But it itches, so if anyone has a scratching post they can drop by my house, that would be greatly appreciated. 3.20.06
• As Kayla expertly reported, an olive landed on someones shirt, and he just picked it off and ate it, as if his shirt was a natural place for an olive to hang out. 3.20.06
• Wait, Craigslist isnt where I’m going to find a wholesome Greek husband? Really? What about match.com? AA? BDSM club? The Ukraine? 3.23.06
• Sure, I may have tripped, but in an hour Ill have forgotten about it and shell still be waiting for a table at the most overrated restaurant in Dupont Circle. 3.25.06
• When we were trying to work things out, and you said, My pizza is here, Ill call you right back, I knew at that moment you loved me less than that pizza and that was all I needed. (Sadly, this is me. Yes, I said it. Its the line that ended a 6 year relationship.) 3.27.06
• I think its best if we dont see each other anymore. Sent from my Blackberry Wireless. (This is my joke with my boss, who when he asked me how my weekend was after the NewJersey breakup, laughed as I said the above. NJ didn’t really send it from a Blackberry, but this world is certainly coming to that. I’m sure its bound to happen to someone.) 3.27.06
• When no one is looking, I toss the rotting produce into the garbage. Its very difficult to do this in front of parents who routinely said to me growing up, No, Velvet. Eat around the mold. If they catch me, my pleas of You dont have to live like you are in the Great Depression anymore fall on deaf ears and they threaten to strip me of my, our, last name. You are not one of us my father seethes through a mouthful of rotting banana. 47 1/2 hours to go. 4.2.06
• Hey! Mom and Dad are down there already. Damn! They came upstairs and it was only then that I realized the clocks jumped ahead overnight. Fucking awesome. 5 hours to go. 4 hours to go. 4.2.06
• Why do I pay $45 to hold my boobs up when plenty of men would do it for free? 4.4.06
• I dont know what else to say, but I dont stay over. Call it another of my PostSecrets along with getting tattoos so that I will always remember who I once was, or that I despise being in peoples weddings. This secret? I dont stay over. 4.5.06
• However, buyer beware. Sometimes online people dont let the truth get in the way of creating a good persona. 4.9.06
• Keep in mind that my entire perception of this scene is skewed by the addition of several Bombay Tonics. 4.16.06
• Instead I’m sitting next to a woman obviously bothered by my sniffling and coughing. And sitting next to is questionable because shes spilling over into my seat. Oh, am I bothering you that much? Sorry I’m having trouble breathing but I’m a little stuffed up and part of your shoulder and arm is crushing my good lung. Suck it lady. Go find an empty seat next to a seemingly healthy person. My germs will find you sooner or later. 4.24.06
• Ok, so you must now put this all into perspective for a second. I’m (of fucking course) sauntering up to the front door of this monstrosity in the usual 4 inch heels, jeans, white peasant type shirt thing. From the girls we have a sea of tank tops and cowboy boots. Lets say that I stand out a tiny bit. I’m a casualty of my geography. Right now, I scream East Coast Snob. I’m very conscious of this so I overcompensate in being nice. And I get tested very quickly as some guy approaches me in the parking lot. 4.27.06
• I know its bad to just obliterate some things off the map, but I’m doing it. You may notice there are a few posts missing. Call it Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Blog. Buh-Bye. Thanks for flying with Velvet. I hope to never see you again on another flight, ever. 5.25.06
• I overlooked some very obvious red flags. Sigh, I miss the old days of playing ball in elementary school. With those colored jerseys, you always knew who was on which team. In life? Not so much. 5.25.06
• It seems like yesterday that I wavered on who was hotter – Axl Rose or Sebastian Bach. Heh. The days of either of those men making my heart go pitter patter are very much over. Time has not been kind to either. I would have been better served to invest in a crush on Tommy Lee or Nikki Sixx. Damn those boys certainly held up well. Apparently snorting coke and fucking porn stars really worked out well for them. 5.29.06
• Sunday I parked my ass on the roof and got enough sun and skin cancer for all of us. You dont have to thank me, someone had to do it. 5.29.06
• We chatted with some locals. (Locals as in, We live on U Street not We live in Stafford County.) 5.29.06
• Apparently in Arlington, they put swimming pools between two buildings that are 6 stories, so the buildings block the sun for the most part. You get sun in the pool area for what? 3 hours? I wonder what Einstein architect designed that shit. This is why I lay out on my roof where the sun shines all day and I can take my top off. 5.29.06
• And occasionally, you two do and say shit that is damn fine material for me. So youll have to deal with reading it, Velvetized, here on the blog. 5.29.06
• I did have a present when I arrived home, however. The watermelon I bought at Soviet Safeway yesterday exploded in my kitchen. There is watermelon juice all over the countertops, the floors, and watermelon guts all over the walls and the cabinets. How exactly does a watermelon explode? Life for the single girl, it is really such a bevy of surprises. Gah. More drunk Velvet and an exploded watermelon. Snooooore. Ill try harder tomorrow. 6.1.06
• Chris ends up being a very nice, very genuine boy. But I say boy because he and his 25 friends arrived at the 18th Street Lounge via the Party Bus for some girls birthday party. (Birthday girl by the way was wearing all the blue eyeshadow that the world has produced since 1981, the year of her birth.) 6.4.06
• …a woman will ALWAYS piss all over her guy friends like a damn dog, just so he cant get with anyone else. 6.4.06
• So to the little 24 year old girl wearing the giant turquoise stone around her neck and insane jealousy on her sleeve??? Get a clue. 6.4.06
• What did we learn?
  1) Women need to figure out how to stick together and stop selling out their girlfriends for some dick. (Literally, figuratively.)
  2) Hi my name is is the only acceptable line.
  3) Dont cockblock your friends, male or female.
  4) Dont high five anyone. Ever.
  5) Short men are sometimes (eekmost times Ive seen) over aggressive. 6.4.06
• So when I get back to work, I google image searched The Joker, and I got this, which is so uncanny of his facial expression during sex that I screamed out loud in my office. Fortunately they are used to that, and no one came running. 6.8.06
• I feel dirty. And not dirty in a good way. Dirty like I need a vaginal transplant to wash the shame out of me for that one. 6.8.06
• But what really gives it away is the gold chains. People from New York seem to be the only ones left on the planet who still wear yellow gold. I think I melted mine down in the 80s and made a spoon out of it, but whatever. Platinum and White Gold people! Gah. I’m trying to reason with a crowd that still uses Aqua Net. Okay, Ill save my breath. 6.18.06
• Soback to check on the progress of bike charging and to plan the funeral for my thermostat. It seems that somehow it got broken into several pieces when the air wouldnt turn on today. I’m not sure how that happened. I think it may have had something to do with the fist that punched it. Several times. That fist by the way, is extremely tan thanks to the sun that shone all weekend long. 6.18.06
• Good lord. I have visions of that thing being installed in my house, and drilled so far into the concrete that it wont be able to come out. Then Ill want to sell my condo, and for the first time ever, a Sellers Disclosure Statement will have the words, Love Swing conveys with unit. 6.19.06
• There was also something in the real hunting guide about measuring the antler point but I’m afraid that doing this after the hunt is too late. I may already find myself in the arms of some man packing a small antler. Wouldnt be the first time. I’m the Goldilocks of Cocks. (This one is too big, This one is too small, This one is juuuuust right. Shortly after that, I get dumped.) 6.19.06
• Always harvest on their turf. Two reasons: 1) You dont have to clean the sheets and 2)You decide when to leave – and it better be soon! Get your clothes and get the hell out of there. Climb over his snoring body in stealth mode and remember – If you did it right, when you first walked into the door of his place, you acted as though you were casually ripping off clothes and carelessly tossing them around in the heat of the moment. Thats for effect. Really, you must have a mental map and complete inventory of where everything is. Bra on the lampshade, undies on his cowboy hat. Oops. I digress. Anyway, that way you can get dressed in record time. (I’m actually a little too good at this, Ive been told. I have to remind myself to dumb it down to, Have you seen my bra? instead of retrieving it from behind the refrigerator like I’m in a timed obstacle course.) 6.19.06
• Clean your equipment damn it and store it in a secure area. Christ. Do I have to tell you everything?? HIV tests fucking suck whether the world famous tattoo artist didn’t use gloves and died of AIDS the year after your first tattoo or if the condom broke with your anal retentive Wall Street Trader Boyfriend. Not that I would know. On either case. 6.19.06
• Dear Ovaries:
  Yes, I remember you. Once a month I find out that yet again, youve done a job that I really dont give a shit about. So, I dont need you. And knock on your cousin Uterinas door and tell her I dont need her either. I dont want any of what you all are dishing out. Kids suck the life out of everyone they come in contact with. Now get out. If you all would abandon ship and exit my body, you would free up enough room for me to eat some more Samoas. 6.26.06
• Sexual harassment, as I unfortunately learned with my last employer, is rarely about sex. Its about power. The person doing the harassing is the one who is exerting the power, real or perceived. 6.26.06
• Not a peep from the cop. He was very busy looking at the selection of Bear Claws. Hmm. One of Americas Most Wanted must be hiding in there. 6.27.06
• Yeah, but whoever he was I would have probably had sex with him anyway, so why bother drugging me? Besides, my jeans are so tight that you would almost need me to be conscious to help get them off. 6.29.06
• Are you sure? Because I think they just pushed my hips so close together that I may not be able to deliver any children by the standard method. 6.29.06
• Frankly, I dont really believe in spending any money on a wedding, but okay.) Id rather take that money and sink it into a house and just send out an announcement that Billy Bob and Velvet swung by the Justice of the Peace on their way home from Famous Daves BBQ and got hitched! 7.2.06
• So, that answers my question from the whole weekend. Why are Michigan speed limits 70 mph on all highways, non-interstates included? To get the people out faster, silly! 7.2.06
• The job of the Director is to do everything possible up to and including oral and anal, to get you to part with your money. The Coordinators job is to ruin your life with dates scheduled for the days you say you have open heart surgery, send you to restaurants that dont exist, and send you to meet people who dont show up. 7.9.06
• She then tosses me her phone as hes jumping to reach it, and I run for the end zone, deleting the text along the way. Touchdown. The crowd goes wild. Please. Like any man can compete with me in heels. People please. If were out and I send you a text, dont share with the person you just met! I use that texting function to point out things that cant be said out loud! 7.9.06
• Lord. Woman, if I could shove my size 7 cork high heel shoe in your fat mouth, believe me I would. 7.9.06
• If only I was smart enough to remember to NOT put on lip gloss before the ride. I ate probably three bugs, not including the ones that got stuck in my Lancome Juicy Tubes. 7.11.06
• However, since its my policy to embrace things that are bigger and faster, well, there you go. 7.11.06
• Yeah, that was boring. Even I stopped paying attention after I was done discussing my boobs. Anyone need smelling salts? 7.11.06
• Those unknowns can make you nervous, happy, or put you on the edge of your seat. Those unknowns can elicit the most genuine feeling you have had in months. You may imagine the details, script how they could possibly occur and relish in the pure delight of what you expect to happen, but you will never really know. There always end up being feelings you have that are new and unique to you, that you never anticipated. Those feelings, those unknowns are what I look forward to – the unique and genuine feeling about something just so wonderful remind me that I’m not in control, but my emotions are very much alive. Finally. 7.13.06
• Ive got a bridge to sell you. Its made of Velvet. 7.14.06
• Shake some trees, and lets see who falls out and who can hang on. 7.14.06
• And take that gum out of your mouth, who are you? Jessica Simpson? Gum chewing looks ridiculous on anyone over 14. 7.14.06
• Please do something about this very poor excuse for a police force. I have lived in Miami, Phoenix, Atlanta and New York. I have never seen a lazier group of police than here. Never mind that none of them are good looking (NYC wins first, second and third place on that) but they are totally and completely useless. I understand you want me to put my elderly, passive dog with a slipped disc on a leash, but do you think you could arrest this man who just put a knife in my spleen first? Heh. The cop would probably tell me to shut the fuck up. 7.14.06
• I said, Youre not from here, are you? He said, Nope. I live in Texas. How did you know? My cowboy boots? No, but thanks for pointing them out because now I just got misty.down there. But I told him, Because a guy here would never buy a random girl a drink. He said, Really? Yeah dude, really. 7.16.06
• The Queen of Quantity is going to be mad at me, cause she doesnt want you bitches running up and down U Street using this line, okay? 7.16.06
• Somehow, we ended up attached at the hip with these guys we started calling, the band. That mere statement made a couple stupid girls all giddy with excitement. One asked the other, They are in the band? Ohmigod! I didn’t know they made people this dumb anymore. And where were they hearing a band anyway? No band plays at Local 16. Christ. 7.16.06
• I took a quick inventory of the situation. I quietly apologized to my Yuengling, acknowledging all the great nights weve had together since I moved to D.C. and took this locally (well, Philly) brewed beer under my wing. I said, Sorry Yuengling. Tonight you will service me in a way that wont involve being routed through my liver. I turned around, watching him at the bottom of the stairs, and tossed my very full beer all over him. It was like watching it in slo-mo. I could hear the Bionic Woman music in the background as everything went slllloooowww. My aim was better than a Briana Banks money shot. The beer hit his bald head and drenched him. I looked back at the QofQ as if to apologize for being so rash, and she bust out laughing and said, Run! He attempted throw beer back at us, but gravity and my uncanny ability to fun like FloJo in 4 inch heels were not helping his cause. 7.16.06
• we apparently have to solve our own crimes now 7.19.06
• it turns out that this mans fucking co-worker cant even figure out who he is. If they cant find each other, how the hell are they going to find any criminals? Even when you hand them the address and location of the criminal, they still dont do anything. Maybe the key here is to actually place the criminals where the cops will find them, so they dont have to try. Though, the last time I checked, murderers werent crawling out from under a Krispy Kreme. 7.19.06
• Anyone who knows me knows this is prime skin cancer hour and I do not like giving that up for what might be a shitty date. And we know that its not like IJL is going to suddenly discover an arsenal of good looking men who they forgot to set me up with before. 7.19.06
• I was too lazy to change. Or shower. So I smelled like Eau de White Trash in line for the roller coaster at an Amusement Park – Coppertone SPF 8! 7.19.06
• I’m late because I stopped at Loehmanns. Stupid Velvet. Remember the layoffs! But at least I didn’t buy anything. (When did clothes become ugly? Hang in there Seven Jeans, I need to squeeze another year out of you) 7.19.06
• Just talks a lot. Way too much in fact. Lets knight him and give him his name: Date 12 Sir Talks A Lot. There. 7.19.06
• I learned all I needed to know about Beth Steel. (Note to eyes: If you fucking glaze over again when I need you to feign interest, you are dead to me. I will bring you back for more laser surgery since you loved it so much the last timeremember? You sealed yourself shut for two fucking days and refused to come out! Try me!) 7.19.06
• Suddenly in my head, I’m whisked away to New York and I’m having sex with James Gandolfini. I have no idea where this daydream came from, but I was trying to wager what sex with him would be like. Would it be Tony Soprano I’m in control/holding a gun to your head kind of sex, or would it be a big joke of an experience with a semi flaccid penis that barely registers on the scale? 7.19.06
• And now, Papou and Yiyia are rolling over in their graves. 7.19.06
• He says, I know the whole history of the tie. Sometimes, I will never learn. Seriously. Stupid mouth. Youre next after the eyes for some surgery, and Ill have you lasered shut if possible too. 7.19.06
• Obviously there was no way I wanted to rip his clothes off. In fact, I wanted him to put more clothes on. Please, more ties. Several of them. Really, the look great on you. Nice as you are, I just cant imagine you with nothing on. 7.19.06
• Two to go. Then, I’m lubed up and ready to go out on real dates. Oops. Poor choice of words. Lubed. Heh. Eh, fuck it. Justhitpublish. 7.19.06
• Its like the Wiz in New York. I’m the WizI’m the Wiz – or maybe thats from Seinfeld, yeah, the real commercial was Nobody beats the Wiz. Except that someone did because I think they are out of business. 7.20.06
• Everyone has someone who comes into their life who they love more than that person loves them, everyone has someone who loves them more than they are loved, and everyone finds a balanced love. 7.21.06
• Did you know that you can take an ordinary man, slap a cowboy hat on him, and he becomes instantly hot? 7.24.06
• We head back to his place for the old Lets have one more drink but we both know we are going to fool around finale to the evening. 7.31.06
• You say all the right things. You do. But I was on the noncommittal express and you pulled the bait and switch. You said you didn’t want a relationship in your profile. For 95% of women, what you are saying would be gold. But its just not for me. 7.31.06
• This leads me to wonder if I somehow, in being nice and engaging, am giving off the wrong signals? I dont know, I can charm the pants off a lamp post if need be, its just my style. 8.1.06
• It was time to put the sheet over that one and call the time of death. That sort of control is infective. You start to just accept it as natural that you forget what its like to make your own decisions. So now I’m incredibly independent? You bet your ass. 8.2.06
• Id like to bet it all in the Daily Double Alex. 8.3.06
• This ladies and gents, is how the ball just got thrown into play on Operation Get-Velvet-The-Fuck-Out-Of-This-Swamp. Up until now, I was just fantasizing. But now? Yeah. I’m ready to start packing. So, Johnny, The boys of Cafe 227, Double O, Ninja? We better hurry and make out now because I may not be here much longer. Not at the same time though. Well, unless you all are into that. 8.3.06
• Twas the first weekend in August and all through the town
  Not a creature was attractive at old Chi Cha Lounge.
  The lawyer limped along with her dead ugly stare,
  With a skunk streak of gray right through her hair.
  Her nutjob client must be off his meds
  Cause visions of craziness dance in his head
  when what to my wondering eyes should appear
  but a text from a man you all know from here 8.6.06
• By the way counselor, I figured he would have paid you enough in fees to die that skunk stripe of gray hair you got going on. 8.6.06
• It was the night of the ugly at Chi Cha Lounge. Where did all these ugly people with their bad dancing come from? It was like the Geek Squad bus unloaded right on U Street…Cant you people stay in your own quadrants? 8.6.06
• When I went from dating the guy in the next dorm to the guy who is planning his 50th bash and doubling up his IRA contributions in preparation for retirement is beyond me. 8.10.06
• When I drive, the phone is always in my crotch. I enjoy the vibration, what can I say? 8.13.06
• My own reflection in the glass surrounded her face. I stared at it for a long time, to see if there was any similarity in our appearance. Nothing. I couldnt see one thing in her face that resembled my own. But thats just the outside. Its not the outside that counts. 8.13.06
• Hmmass kicking at my gym by hottie Mike who makes me drool, and not just from my mouth, or donuts and cops. Its a tough choice. Truly. 8.14.06
• I’m off on a tangent. The point to this paragraph was really to show that I’m a porn loving whore with no conscience for the fact that buying porn online with Sherlock, who adores me, then telling him in the same breath that I’m going out with someone else is mean, and that my past dates continue to reappear while I’m on new dates because this city is too small. Yeah. Run on sentence motherfucker. Read it and weepliterally. 8.24.06
• Velvet: Drawer next to one side of the bed – vibes that work. When they break, they move to the other side of the bed and go in the other nightstand. Thats the Vibrator Graveyard.
  Boss: Why do you keep them?
  Velvet: What am I going to do with them? Toss them in the trash with my junk mail so someone diving in the trash can find out my address AND know that I just broke a vibrator? Besides, theyve served me well. I dont want to throw them out. 8.25.06
• Last night I left some of my toys over at Sherlocks house. In the act of stockpiling vibrators all over town, I like to think that I’m well prepared in case of nuclear war or terrorist attack. Dont laugh bitches, when something happens here again, cause it will, Ill be the one with safe houses all over the neighborhood. So dont come crying to me. 8.25.06
• I do realize that my bitter snark toward dating and life in general has been cultivated through years of bad dates, a couple shitty friends, a car that spends more time in the shop than it should, crazy Greek parents, living with a man for six years in the south, snorting sordid snorts and powders, having two dogs capable of doing geometry, being sexually harassed at my last job, owning more porn and vibrators than Jenna Jameson, hating cops, and getting thrown out of a strip bar. I’m not sure there really is a replacement for all that. I am my own train wreck. And I do kind of like that. 8.25.06
• I’m fucked out. I dont need to sleep around with a bunch of people to prove my worth. 8.27.06
• And Sherlock did share something with me that I’m going to share with you. He said, They all know Velvet, but I got to see a piece of the real you. I said, I dont think you understand, that is me. Its not a persona. I write what I feel. And he said, No. Theres something sweeter and more vulnerable about the real you. No one could possibly get that unless they know you in real life. 8.27.06
• I read this morning in the article I linked above for you that some churches in the area were trying to convince the District that it was against Scripture to grant a liquor license. Vomit. Theres nothing I hate more than a bible-toter. Embrace gentrification people, embrace it. It helps us all. 9.1.06
• Normally I dont participate in group classes because, well, they just annoy the fuck out of me. I make my one exception for delicious Mike, at my gym in D.C., who can run a weightlifting class like boot camp, incapacitating me to the point where I actually consider calling a cab to take me three blocks home. 9.5.06
• Looking back, I find it comical that I could commit to both moving so far from home and to living with a man when today I cant even commit to wearing the same pair of socks from sun up till sundown. 9.7.06
• I did invent several ingenious things on that high, including the Commemorative Sonny Bono Christmas Ornament and the Giant Baseball for the Yankees in Times Square. 9.7.06
• In addition to the fact that driving cross country proved to me that danger can find you anywhere, I also learned something else. This country, state to state, offers more diversity in one continuous stretch of land than any other country I know of. Now, I havent been to Alaska or Hawaii, but I plan to go to each in the next few years. But, for the lower 48, all climates, all cultures, all political and religious beliefs converge here in the states. If you havent been to the Rockies, you should go. If you havent been to Glacier National Park, its worth the trip to get there. If you havent put your feet in the Pacific Ocean, cold as it is, you should. If you havent spent a weekend in a cottage on Cape Cod, you are missing out on a New England ritual. If you havent seen the line of people trying to cross the border from Mexico, you may not realize how many people really want to be you. If you havent been to New York City and had a slice of pizza, well, then youre just not living. 9.11.06
• If it doesnt make it through the Velvet Quality Control team (uh, thats just me really) I dont hit publish. 9.14.06
• It was pure misery packaged neatly into equal time blocks called Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Ive renamed those days Shitday, Assday, Cuntday, Bitchday and Fuckday. 9.25.06
• Sex moved inside the house and ended up being by far, hands down, no more calls we have a winner, I can name that song in 2 notes, No Whammies, Ill take Jim J. Bullock for the block, Id like to bet it all in the Daily Double Alex, thats my final answer sex Ive ever had in my life, complete with four of the most amazing orgasms – one strong enough that it propelled him out of me. (By the way boys, if you didn’t feel it, she faked it.) 9.25.06
• He doesnt bitch about this, he just knows that I have no clue which button lowers the volume, which button cooks breakfast and which button fires up electricity under Bin Ladins bunker. 9.29.06
• The folks at Greenspan and Company have assfucked our ENTIRE ECONOMY, sans lube. 10.2.06
• Two years ago, it was no brokers, no investors, bring 10% cash to contract. Now, they be having a wee bit of trouble. I think even Sammy and Thora could qualify for a loan. 10.2.06
• There are a few units left in this building for sale. New boy and I went to see five of them. While people were oohing and aahing over the higher floor condos, new boy and I were in unit 411 having sex. 10.2.06
• My undies continued to be a sloppy wet until we made it home, safe in the confines of a place where we could only be heard, but not seen, and we hit a couple homeruns. Woo hoo. I needed that. Its been a while. Well, okay. A week. 10.2.06
• I went to another division to have my hard drive rebuilt, and when I took the IT person out to lunch, everyone was texting her asking who that lady was. You know, for an instant, I said, Dude. What lady? She said, YOU! I’m many things, but I am NO LADY. 10.4.06
• The one complaint I have with Angel is that I smell like a cheap whore the next morning. (Waitmaybe thats not the perfume) 10.11.06
• I hate to say this about a deranged asylum escapee… 10.15.06
• I’m walking double fisted with the gin and tonics. Then my phone buzzes. Fucking great. I have to put one of the G&Ts down. Mentally taking note to watch no one slips the date rape drug in there. 10.20.06
• Enough position changes so as to not get bored, but not so many that you feel like youre being sport-fucked, complete with the annoucer calling the plays (Now hes behind her, and hes got her up on her knees, okay, hes flipped her to the side and has one leg up on his shoulder, some may call this the scissors position. Those heels look like they are really digging into his shoulder, dont they Ron?) 10.22.06
• (less annoying cleanup delay – one swipe as opposed to waiting several hours for it all to drip back out and land in your $20 underwear because these are the ones you DIDNT get at the Victorias Secret sale.) 10.22.06
• I figured out how to detach sex from love and commitment. Not that they dont belong together, they do in the right context, but I can fuck someone, and get up and get dressed and walk out while they are in the bathroom washing up. Somehow this has become something I’m actually proud of. 10.22.06
• Bloodshot eye casualty; result of wayward cumshot: One. My left eye. Still hurts. 10.22.06
• you know when you see that faraway look in someones eyes like they just have no clue what you are saying and are pretending that they do because they sense you are getting irritated and want to put their balls in a vice grip out of sheer frustration and mental exhaustion? Yeah. That. 10.31.06
• See, the irony here is not that hes been shut out of my world. Its that Ive shut myself out of his. Really, I’m the one on the outside looking in, he just doesnt know it. 11.1.06
• Quite a contrast from the other times Ive bumped into him where he looks about as uncomfortable as one would look, say when a pair of boxer briefs is shoved up their asshole. With a car tire attached. 11.3.06
• I’m sorry that your life is so, snore, boring, yawn, that what you perceive as a trainwreck is a boatload of fun for me. Its what they call living. But really, stay on your couch watching Oprah get fat, get thin, then get fat again. 11.12.06
• Just know that Ive outlined a game plan for her on a chalkboard she made in her house. (Fucking Martha Stewart wannabe without the jail time.) I like that chalkboard. I could use one next to my bed refrigerator. 11.27.06
• Hurry! Breathe in a mirror and tell me if theres fog on it! You are so boring you may as well be dead. 11.27.06
• Why the hell did you have to pick the Blues Traveler? Come on! Its your own fault. I cant help you if you cant at least try to help yourself you know. If you ever or still listen to the Blues Traveler, I hate you. I hated you in college, and I hate you now. 11.27.06
• No one I am friends with should ever compare themself to these vapid, useless characters who did nothing for feminism besides prove that every female blogger fancies herself a Carrie-writer, deserving of a book deal and all sorts of expensive shoes. No one is as stupid as Charlotte whats her name. Samantha in real life would have burned off her CLIT and be HIV-positive. Miranda exists people. Go down to K Street right now and look up at all those lawyers in the offices that are still lit. Shes still working, and she would never get Steve because shes too much of a bitch. Magda would have run off with the baby by now. 11.27.06
• I dont leave the house without my bra and panties, but I can appreciate those who do, so some points there as well. If you let the beast fall asleep on something, then I have no points for you. You havent been paying attention here at Velvet in Dupont. The fine art of the strip is important. You act like you are casually tossing your clothes off in the heat of the moment, but make a mental map of where everything lands. And nothing should land in a place where it cant be retrieved later. 11.27.06
• I know what youre thinking, Why Velvet! You didn’t get an MBA to be someones secretary! Okay, maybe you werent thinking it. But if you were, I would say to you, Dont forget I got a FOUR POINT OH OH OH!! So I definitely dont want to be that bitchs secretary. But unfortch, in this industry, they see a woman coming and they see tits and someone they can make take dictation. Or just dick. Depends which builder you work for. 11.29.06
• Pay attention to where your companys Headquarters is located – it determines a lot about your corporate culture. My old company (hereinafter referred to as Old Company,) had a headquarters in yeeeeee hawwwww, Cletus, the middle of fucking nowhere. 11.29.06
• Anyway, the President of Old Company had this ranch out in the middle of bumfuck Texas, that was literally 3 HOURS from a cell tower. It was so fucking far from anything relevant that even the tornadoes wont go there. 11.29.06
• Every year they pegged a couple of suckers from each division to go out to the ranch. It was supposedly an honor to be asked. You would be flown to Dallas, then to some smaller city west of Dallas (no, dont say Ft. Worth and no I dont remember where it was,) then driven 3 hours in ATVs to the ranch. Events that occurred at this ranch included hunting, killing things, shooting anything that ran and skinning various animals. 11.29.06
• When they asked me, a long time member of PETA, a vegetarian, a woman and other labels of all things that seemed to not belong at this ranch, I said no. The Division President (hereinafter referred to as the Weasel) said, You shouldnt say no. I said, You want me to share a room and eek, a bathroom with someone I dont know, in the middle of nowhere, with no cell phone, no computer, and no TV, watching guys hunt and kill things that I would be likely to leash and name Scruffie? I’m saying no. 11.29.06
• the Weasel sent out an email announcing this visit, copied the CEO, then spelled his name wrong in the body of the email. I had not laughed that hard since my High School Geometry Teacher backed up and fell into the garbage pail. 11.30.06
• The next day was our Company Outing, on some stupid boat out to St. Michaels Island. (Whose fucking idea was this? Yes, lets put a company full of people who hate each other on a boat and sail them through the swamps of the Chesapeake Bay.) 11.30.06
• A few remained in the middle, but as Ive learned with my family fights and with this, you have to stake a claim in one side, otherwise, you get shunned by both, and if both turn on you, you could end up the new enemy. 12.2.06
• the Weasel was stunned. He sat there with his mouth on the floor like Dominick Dunne when they read the OJ verdict. Does anyone besides me remember that? No? Oh well. It was funny. 12.4.06
• (Gee Fat Bastard, dont you have some chickens to eat, or some house price calculations to fuck up? Oh, shoot, I ended that with a preposition, let me try it again. Dont you have some house price calculations to fuck up, asshole?) 12.4.06
• This is my good name at stake. I have to fight. I cant sit by and let them do this to us. What happened here is wrong. So very wrong. And they allow it. Its the reason we cant build a fucking house. Because of all this. 12.4.06
• It was supposed to be paid on the 15^th, but stupid NeedsMeds, who it seems was now boycotting the use of any brush or comb in her hair, was instructed by Opie to delay it for a month. 12.4.06
• Feb 16, NeedsMeds says I need to write a resignation letter. It says, To whom it may concern: Please accept this letter as my formal resignation from OldBuilder. My last day will be Feb 28. It should have said, P.S. Please buy NeedsMeds a hairbrush, the Weasel a toothbrush, Fat Bastard 30 sessions with a nutritionist and Opie a blow up doll. 12.4.06
• Fat Bastard walked me out. I’m surprised he wasnt in an electric wheelchair by that point he was so fat. Fucking asshole. 12.4.06
• I never did get a response from him. He was probably out hunting with Cheney, picking off employees. 12.4.06
• Because here in D.C., our police department is a bunch of lazy, useless, inept, couldnt-find-a-criminal if they were sitting next to them, system abusing, power hungry, donut eating, newspaper reading, coffee drinking, double parking, traffic blocking, gossiping, overnight shift sleeping, disability for work related stress filing, money drain on our taxes. 12.14.06
• Jesus fucking Christ. What. The. Fuck. Did you not see the rocking pink tricycle I got you people? How about your Tourist Trap DVD or that Fekkai Gift Set? I get a Greek Teddy Bear? Fuck. What am I getting next year? A gang bang from Osama Bin Ladin and friends? 12.26.06
• Unless I pick a fight with one of the cops, or Sammy and Thora vomit off my balcony, I’m so much more suited to writing about boys and sex, sex and boys, drinking, drugs and pills. Besides, thats what Velvet in Dupont was created for anyway. 1.3.07
• When his plans suddenly changed and he was going to be in town after a planned weekend out of town, he was quite pissed that I didn’t drop my plans. I am just not the girl who fucking bails on all her friends because her boyfriend is back in town. Granted, a lot of you all do it to me. A lot of you. But I do not do it back. I do not click over to talk to a boy if I’m talking to you. I do not hang up on you if he calls. And I don’t make excuses about that. Maybe it makes me a shitty girlfriend, but, that is who I am. 1.3.07
• But I also wouldnt walk into a room of meth addicts and start chopping, cutting, lining and snorting like a hibachi chef going for the Onion Volcano. 1.3.07
• Whats today? January 6th? Great. 359 days left in the year and what, at this rate, 240 more dates? 1.7.07
• I’m not being picky, I’m just trying to get back out there. So Ill pretty much go out with anyone who isnt married or a serial killer. Not that I would even know either of those things until it is too late. 1.7.07
• Historically I never find out that they are stalkers until it is too late. 1.9.07
• as I went down for my nappy time I thought, It sure would be nice to have Sherlock here now. Then I slapped myself several times and punched myself in the face for even thinking it. 1.9.07
• my liver submitted its letter of resignation this weekend. I was shocked too to find out that my liver could write at all… 1.14.07
• I should add myself to the Liver Transplant List. Is there a doctor on the blog? 1.14.07
• Oh no. OH NO! FUCK! Whatever is in those boxes will NOT fit in la Casa de Velvet! I’m at the point where I may have to throw out my tampons so I have room for Sammy and Thoras heartworm pills! 1.21.07
• I can only hope that is ALL he answered. I really dont want to have a free Nuva Ring arrive tomorrow and coupons for a free pap smear next week at some doctor whose license was probably revoked. Ugh. 1.21.07
• We got home and he had to try to get a stain out of my shirt where some wayward food landed after I didn’t try hard enough to get it into my mouth. I unpacked the bags from the store, (that means I just threw everything on the counter,) and opened the coveted and very exciting Heart Shaped Box of candy. 1.25.07
• I’m trying to wrap my brain around what is going on but it just isnt making any sense. I said, So what are you eating? He just looked at me with this expression like, This is where Ive fucked up. I know. 1.25.07
• After some discussion, we all came to the same conclusion: Its a Greek thing. Greeks are extremely ethnocentric. Even among other Greeks – if you were from the wrong island, my Grandmother would not be seen speaking to you. I guess Billy wasnt from Crete. Shit, what did I know? I thought I was doing good because his last name ended in -giannis. 1.28.07
• Not seeing the point of lying at 33 years old, I said, Match.com. I also briefly considered trying to validate it by mentioning that my oldest brother met the sister-in-law who got away on match.com, but they didn’t like her either, so no sense in poisoning the well. 1.28.07
• Guess who was sore the next day? Ill give you a clue, it wasnt me. The irony here is that Sherlock has a rocking body and hes always giving me nutrition advice so I really laughed my ass off at him when he was too sore to get his coat on. Oh, FUCK! I wasnt supposed to say that. I think we agreed I would post something about my big tough strong boyfriend. Huh. Oh well. Fucked that up and I cant seem to find the backspace key right now 2.12.07
• I swear that stupid overpriced grocery store is the only piece of New York City we have here in D.C. Why drive to New York when you can just go to Whole Foods? 2.12.07
• I refuse to perpetuate the Bush/Clinton/Bush/Clinton ping pong match for the White House. Get someone else in there already. Since 1988 weve had the same two families in there. What kind of democracy is that? 2.15.07
• What this country needs is a New Yorker, who can fucking get things done instead of another country bumpkin who wants to fight a useless war or get his dick sucked by some intern. 2.15.07
• Apparently rolling around mattresses in Have a good nights sleep on usMattress DISCOUNTERS got Sherlock a bit excited. Foreplay has never been so easy. 2.25.07
• Okay, so thats less logic and more emotion, which violates my number one rule of cutting a good deal. Never never never negotiate when you have your heart set on something for emotional reasons. 2.25.07
• Continuing in the spirit of spending the GNP equivalent of a third world country, Sherlock went off in search of a platform bed at Theodores. 2.25.07
• Ive been tasked to go out and find the sluttiest outfit I could get my hands on. People, you have hired the right woman for this job. When I see Fashion K City in a strip mall, I know Ive hit paydirt. The first choice, a zip up catsuit didn’t come in my size: Extra boobs. 2.25.07
• My friend and I were laughing so hard we offended the employees who probably cherish their associate discount. 2.25.07
• Buying a couch for Sixes and Sevens is a difficult endeavor. You think you can just show up at the couch store and sit on a few, then make a decision? Hell no. When you buy things, you have to think about how they will be used so that you do the best job in choosing the item. Like, had I known my beautiful $1300 throwback-to-the-50s couch would become home for all things dog, I never would have spent that much money on it. Anyway, at this point, Gazoo appeared over my head. Shes going to nail her men here, Velvet. The couch must be comfortable enough for that but not too comfortable because we dont want the guy to fall asleep and God Forbid, stay over! Thanks Gazoo. I also think the couch needs to repel fluids. Well that goes without saying you dumb whore. God. When did Gazoo turn into such an asshole? 2.5.08
• Somewhere around here comes the third pitcher of Miller Lite. Then this is where I got sloppy and forgot to knock off the flash. Sixes likes this picture for its yellow 1970s quality. I like it because these three chicks didn’t catch me even after the flash went off, because you know they could easily beat my ass. Easily. 2.5.08
• And after that award winning blowjob I administered the other night, I’m fucking tired. 2.14.08
• Then you cap off the night by having very destructive sex which somehow results in your contour leg pillow (shut up I have back problems) flying off the bed straight toward your heirloom china (read: Ikea glass you bought in 1997) which rolls off the nightstand oh so very slowly before it hits the floor taking the precious raspberry Crystal Light^TM with it, and smashing all over your fluffy sherpa rugs (fake, uh, hello, PETA member here) into thousands of shards which either of you could have easily prevented had you chose to dis-en-fornicate.Thats okay though, because now you can cross cleaned up broken glass while naked with cum dripping out of you off your list of things to do, right? 3.9.08
• I spent the better portion of the second act masturbating Mr. X through his pants. He used his Playbill to disguise this fact from the Countess sitting to his left. Classy. 3.19.08
• I’m beeping my horn at you and you have no clue that I’m considering macing you in the face. 4.6.08
• The bathroom currently smells like someone cooked a flounder, then took a shit on it. This a twice-daily occurrence. Someone needs a colonoscopy, STAT. 5.14.08
• I’m not sure whose stupid idea it was to not get cable (mine) but the beach house of one Velvet and Mr. X hurts for some quality entertainment. Wait. That implies theres no sex. Thats not true. We dont hurt for x-rated entertainment of the self-made variety. But once thats done, were relegated to our Amish exile. Since the neighbors are crazyyeah. Anyway. You can only watch your man paint the kitchen Caribbean Yellow with one opposing wall in East India Spice while you do crossword puzzles and stay warm by farting under the blankie because the effing heat is broken in your brand new house and no one knows why for so long before you get positively bored. 4.9.09
• We went back home at which point I discovered I’m officially 84 years old and my back was in major pain from being hunched over drawers and closets all day. I had to sleep with an icy hot on it. Hot as in hot, yes. Hot as in sexy? Not so much. Nothing screams, Buddy are you sure you know what youre doing with this whorebag like, Baby, can you take off my Icy-Hot? 4.19.09
• It was less of the one-night-stand variety of cheating and more of the full-blown-relationship cheating. 5.4.09
• By the end of 2001, I was headed back to Atlanta to take care of the breakup in person. K sensed this was coming. They always know, dont they? Thats when they pull out all the stops. Four years in a relationship where the best present I got was an incredible hit of acid, and now he busts out the diamond necklace. I couldnt accept it. I’m not a material girl. I returned the necklace, and we broke up. 5.4.09
• We broke up and got back together more times than Puddy and Elaine. God. The night he went running down Route 301 calling me a bitch on a coke infused high when I had to go home and finish a Management project. Jesus. Sometimes you just look back and shake your head. 5.6.09
• V: Dad. Hes going to fire me if I go to the settlement.
  Dad: How much will you make by going to work tomorrow?
  V: I dont know.
  Dad: Is it safe to say $250?
  V: Sure.
  Dad: And how much would you make by going to your settlement tomorrow?
  V: $50,000.
  Dad: Um, lemme ask you. Did you just get an MBA?
  V: Yes.
  Dad: Are we done here? 5.8.09
• Welcome to my fucking world for the last six years lady. Welcome. Pull up a god damned chair, get your ass some sweet tea and get comfortable, because were gonna be here a while. 5.12.09
• Did yall lose a dog? I think my neighbors keepin her. (Thats redneck-speak.) 5.12.09
• I dated the Metro for 2004s May-December romance, with our last time seeing each other being New Years Eve, going into 2005. I believe he probably got just totally sick of my shit. I had this backlash after the breakup with K. I knew drugs were to blame for our demise, and then I started doing them often instead of just here and there for fun. When the Metro and I were at a party New Years Eve, someone gave me something which I threw in there on top of a bunch of other things and I turned into a pile of mush. He practically had to carry me back to his place. I believe thats when he decided, I’m done. It was upsetting. I really liked him. It didn’t stop my whirlwind tour of self-destruction though. Work got worse before it got better. I partied more than any person should in one sitting. I started getting totally ridiculously reckless with it. It began to consume me. What a mess. 5.13.09
• Starting with him, I perfected the fine art of throwing men out of my house. I think this was the order, and yes, they are real names because who the fuck cares anymore: Derek who stole my Vicodin, Bret who asked if I would consider having sex with him despite having a fight on our first (and last) date because he thought leaving work at 3:00 in Reston for a 6:30 date was normal and showing up very early was also normal, George who lopped 10 years off his age and thought I wouldnt notice, Mike who could have had staying power but we just drifted apart, Josh who conducted an entire relationship over text and whose rampant non-stop use of the word amazing made me want to punch him in the balls, Jeff who was such an amateur liar that it resulted in my throwing a sandwich at him and the Bartender who did nothing but encourage my narcotics use. 5.14.09
• The Boss chose the following Tuesday, Valentines Day, to end his marriage. There was a simple conversation, followed by a door slamming, a bottle of pills, a Britney Spears style hair shaving and subsequent threats of suicide. Kidding. Sort of. 5.15.09
• By the fall we were somewhat stable and its always a good idea when youre barely somewhat stable to discuss co-habitation, right?   5.15.09
• Being in the wrong relationship was painful. But deciding to end somehow had a backlash that was more painful. Why? Because ending a mediocre relationship in your mid-thirties takes a lot of work when the ball is in your court. You wonder if this is your last chance. You wonder if youve been too picky. You wonder if this is your last chance. You wonder if you were too hard on him. You wonder if this is your last chance. You wonder if youve become inflexible. You wonder if this is your last chance. You wonder if you arent meant to be with anyone ever in life. You wonder, god damned it, if this, for the love of all holy hell, is your last fucking chance. 5.19.09
• We started with the Bombay and Tonics. We talked the stupidest small talk for hours. I mean, hours. I swear, I really thought when I walked in that he was just going to rip my clothes off and we would fuck like we were in the conjugal visit trailer, but we talked so much I started to wonder if anything was going to happen at all. We caught up on what we had missed in each others lives. He told me the separation had been so horrible that he doubted he would ever get married again. I said I couldnt blame him. I told him one day I would job hunt again but for now I just didn’t feel like it. He said he couldnt blame me. Oh my god. I think were back to the fucking friend zone. Eek! 911, 911! Help!!! I’m drowning! 5.21.09
• I backed off his lap, stood up, took his hand, and we walked into the bedroom. It was time. I didn’t want to wait any longer. I was done waiting. Fuck waiting. Waiting is for Catholics. 5.21.09
• When I walked out the door and got to my car, I texted one of my best friends who is also my real estate agent. I said, I just fucked your next client. You can thank me later. Ill always be somewhat evil. I readily admit this. 5.22.09
• That shrimp was doing the backstroke in about three sticks of butter. I saw it. X saw it. My cholesterol went up 10 points just by being in the same room with it. 6.29.09
• He looked confused for a split second, until his face formed a look of relief I havent seen since 1999, when my then-boyfriend only saw one pink line show up in the window. 7.21.09
• Do you know how many brides out there are selling size zero and 2 dresses? A whole hell of a lot. And I swear to you that I saw Oprah sized arms coming out of what someone called a size 6. Slap margarine on my butter, lady, if you are a size 6 (which in bridal, is a size 2) then I’m writing this from Bret Michaels bedside. (Oh poor Bret, please get better!) 4.29.10