Attacking Life with Comedic Jaws of Sarcasm. Recovering Dating & Relationship Blogger - Made it to Step 12 When I Got Married.

Category: Velvet in Dupont (Page 8 of 11)

Random Collection of Breakup Lines

Here they are folks. Looking at all of yours, mine really aren’t as good as I thought they were. (Though, I did dump someone once on this blog. Do I get any points for that? Anything? How about when I threw a turkey sandwich at the MotorcycleInstructor? Ok, I’ll stop now.)

  • You are out of quarters. This game is over. (Velvet. Haven’t used it. May never use it.)
  • Don’t call me, don’t look at me, don’t think about me, don’t even think about trying to talk to me ever again. (Velvet, to high school boyfriend.)
  • I just deleted your numbers out of my phone.
  • Talking to you has become a pain in the ass. (DCOE)
  • I’m gay. I’m joining the military. So I can be with men. (Requested Anonymity)
  • Guess who called me today? Your wife. (My college roommate actually said this to a guy and yes it was true.)
  • I was thinking, I don’t really want to be in a relationship right now. I thought I did, but I don’t. And I know you do, so it’s not fair. (Asian Mistress)
  • or a similar one from: I thought I wanted a relationship, but I think I am just not the relationship type. You know, I am probably never going to get married or have kids or anything.
  • Think very carefully about the next words you are going to say to me, because they are going to be your last. (Velvet. I’m dying to use this one.)
  • You are an amazing girl. If the timing were any different, I know we could be together. But, the timing isn’t right.
  • I have been in love once before and had my heart broken. It took me a long time to get over that. I don’t think I could ever put myself in that situation again. I think I could fall for you, so I hope you understand that it’s better to end this now.
  • My ex-girlfriend is pregnant with my child.
  • When we were trying to work things out, and you said, “My pizza is here, I’ll call you right back,” I knew at that moment you loved me less than that pizza and that was all I needed. (Sadly, this is me. Yes, I said it. It’s the line that ended a 6 year relationship.)
  • Did you dump her yet? (MappyB heard this one from her boyfriend’s friend who was on his cell. Volume peeps. Volume.)
  • “I think it’s best if we don’t see each other anymore. Sent from my Blackberry Wireless.” (This is my joke with my boss, who when he asked me how my weekend was after the NewJersey breakup, laughed as I said the above. NJ didn’t really send it from a Blackberry, but this world is certainly coming to that. I’m sure it’s bound to happen to someone.)
  • And, NotMiranda was dumped with a note on her car. He loved her but they had just hurt each other too much at the beginning of the relationship…”the time we spent apart was painful and [I am] almost physically ill from nerves right before seeing me.

Shit. And I thought an email dumping was bad.

You Knew All My Lines, You Knew All My Tricks

Dear BH:

When I was walking to meet you at the bar, I was shaking. I was so nervous that I tripped on my shoe as I walked by Lauriol Plaza. I think someone in line laughed at me. (Sure, I may have tripped, but in an hour I’ll have forgotten about it and she’ll still be waiting for a table at the most overrated restaurant in Dupont Circle.)

When I walked in, you were staring at me. I was staring at you. You had a drink waiting for me. Did I tell you how unbelievably sweet that was? I didn’t? I’m not so slick. Sometimes I forget to say simple things like, “Thank you.”

I tripped again trying to sit at the table. As we were talking, thoughts flooded my head – the anticipation of receiving an email from you…shaking when I’m near you…biting my lip when I think about kissing you…knowing that it’s true when they say that the last guy bailed because something better really was around the corner.

The length of time we have been emailing has been a very slow procession to an eventual meeting. The length of time you hovered at my lips before kissing me was the proverbial slow dance of this friendship so far.

We left the bar and went to your place to watch a movie. At this juncture, with just about any other man, I would have been protesting to stop unbuttoning my jeans. It would be an aggravating time where the guy would see my coming back to his place as a definite signal and me wondering why “let’s go watch a movie” doesn’t really mean “let’s go watch a movie.” I say what I mean and I mean what I say. But I digress…

Then I fell asleep. For two hours! You cleaned the bathroom. You read a New Yorker. You watched me sleep. When you woke me up, you told me what you busied yourself with, while I slept. I laughed at the prospect of you cleaning the bathroom. You said that you wanted it to be clean for me if I used it. You said I looked like an angel when I slept. An interesting dichotomy from my other persona.

I sleepily got in a cab and went home. We talked on the phone. You wanted to know when you could see me again. I asked when you would want to. You said, “In an hour.”

That hour is up. I have a date with someone else tonight and I don’t know what to do about that. I don’t know at all. I’m back to biting my lip.

There’s something else – You make my heart race.

Kisses and couch naps,
Velvet

Update – 2 hours after I posted the above. I got the following email from CL#6 regarding tonight’s date: Hey, you’re going to hate me, but I’m going to have to postpone tonight. I’ll tell you about it later.

Ladies and gents…fate is a mysterious thing.

Velvet’s A Maniac, Not Only In Her Work

See the title? I forgot to tell you that that’s what the Ukranian blog thief told Bilious Pudenda about me. I have to say, I like that. It certainly is in competition with my other taglines. Let’s not forget from S, “Velvet is so hetero. Being around her makes me more hetero.” There’s another one I hatched that has the words Master Dater and Master Bater in it, but my favorite grad school professor is reading now, so I have to behave. Well, at least a little.

I still don’t have a name for Craigslister #6, but the email volley is in full force. He’s really pushing this forward. He’s insisting that Saturday is going to be a long night and that we are going to have chemistry and he just knows it. Ugh. Dating is hard. Listen up you little Craigslister #6! No one knows anything about chemistry until they are actually in the same room together. Shit, at this point, let’s bag the same room stuff and try for the same zip code.

On to cheery Velvet Family News. I’ve had the topic of marriage come up with both of my parents in the past week. First my dad got on my case.

Velvet: I’m making my yearly Roth-IRA deposit.
Dad: How much?
Velvet: The max. I’m creeping close to the salary cap and I’m not sure how much longer I have to contribute.
Dad: Well, you better get married, then you can continue contributing.
Big sigh from Velvet.
Velvet: Dad, I’m not going to get married just for the sake of getting married. He has to be everything I want and more. And if I don’t find it, I’m not going to settle.
Dad: That’s understandable. I agree with you.

Then Mom strikes. It’s obvious they had a “When-is-Velvet-going-to-get-married” conversation recently. Mom says something about getting married and I got frustrated with the oh-so-obvious fact that I’m clearly a concern for them. I said, “Mom, I told Dad the other day, it’s not that I’m not out there. Believe me, the blog keeps my ass out there. But, I’m not going to settle for someone who isn’t right for me.” Instead of letting it go, she started in on how I’m not looking in the right places.

Wait, Craigslist isn’t where I’m going to find a wholesome Greek husband? Really? What about match.com? AA? BDSM club? The Ukraine?

Then she said something about how she dated so many men before she found my dad and I was like, “Please! You were married for eight years by the time you were my age! NO ONE has dated more men than I!” At this point my brother, who had been on the extension, quietly hung up. I suppose he realized he was next on the chopping block. Smart move, older brother, smart move.

I’ve got a busy weekend planned, but parts of it are remaining off-blog for now.

Finally – a call for submissions. I’m compiling a list of the best breakup lines. If anyone has anything good, send it in. Let’s see where this takes us. Email me.

Once Bitten Twice Shy

You’ve probably read about this on other sites, but a bunch of bloggers had their material plagiarized by a Ukranian man who stole material via RSS feed. That’s why mine is off. Sorry. You’ll have to do the linking thing or whatever, but I don’t want my blog on some random website without my being given the chance to approve it or not. Anyway, I filed a complaint with Google AdSense because the guy was making money off our content. And some drain on Google’s payroll decided to forward my WHOLE FUCKING COMPLAINT to the Ukrainian. And since they requested my contact info, yes yes. Now I’m getting threats from the Ukranian. Believe me, if I end up dead, my family has been instructed to visit the folks at Google for a cup of coffee and a lawsuit. Larissa got this article written. Good work girl!

The date with the baby Craigslister didn’t happen. It seems that he decided he wanted to do something on a night when I didn’t have my morning gym commitment. He didn’t want me to worry about not being able to drink, falling asleep, getting home, yawning. Whatever. Anyway, we decided to bag it until Saturday. Which sucks because I have plans for the next two weekends solid. I sort of wanted to be lazy and do nothing this weekend. My parents are coming next weekend (hide the porn.)

Anyway, the Craigslister (#6 y’all!) sent me texts and emails today saying that he expects big things to happen with us, that he knows he already likes me, blah blah blah. The funny thing is, that he’s like an online dating novice. I’ve been through this a thousand times where you think “this one could be different” and nope. You still end up running home. So, we’ll see.

Someone who shall remain nameless referred me to another online dating website that I had yet to post and ad with. My first and only response was from this guy. Brace yourselves. Seriously.

At least I know he likes babies. And when this mofo says, “I’m so hungry I could eat an arm,” he’s probably not kidding either.

‘Bout to Get Too Far Gone

You all will be happy to know that Velvet’s back in the game. I’ve had a very productive weekend with the girls and frankly, I’m ready to get back to the boys. (A little too much estrogen if you get my drift.)

I’ve been harboring a Craigslister on the back burner for weeks now. Basically since the end of NewJersey, that pompous arrogant motherfucker, I’ve been talking to a very nice boy. Anyway, I have yet to come up with a name for this one, but he’s five (count them) five years younger than I am. I’ve never dated someone so young. We’re going out tomorrow. So there will be a date update hopefully Wednesday. It’s almost April, and I’m way off pace with the dating as compared to last year.

In other news, I had my fabulous tattoo added to last week. Now I have half a back of artwork. Nice. But it itches, so if anyone has a scratching post they can drop by my house, that would be greatly appreciated.

This past weekend I reached a point of drunken debauchery that I haven’t seen in ages. And I mean, ages. Just know that when I drink, I get so ballsy. I’m like a more fun version of myself, but this was bad. I managed to steal a drink from every poor schlub who came up to the bar to order a round, thereby ensuring we would continue to drink for free. Then when that got old, I started tossing the bar garnish fruit around like peanuts at a hoedown. An olive landed on someone’s shirt, and he just picked it off and ate it, as if his shirt was a natural place for an olive to hang out. And two more olives made their way into some man’s pocket who had backed his ass up to us at the bar. Olive Tapenade when it’s made inside someone’s pocket? Yum.

I’ve had some other issues with my blog being plagiarized and used to make money, but it’s so not even worth talking about some man in the Ukraine with a tiny penis so I’ll let it go.

Mama If That’s Movin Up, Then I’m Moving Out

Bye bye Blogger. For I will miss your constant outages and that notorious “flag” button that has been utilized by one too many anonymous bloggers resulting in removed posts and deleted blogs.

Please update your links. Bear with me as I get all your links added back in, as well as those of you who link to me and think I don’t know who you are! I see you!!! I’m going to return the favor!!! I promise.

www.velvetindupont.com

The Things I’ve Done For Foolish Pride

All right. I took a break from the topic of the week. Back to the stories about single life in Connecticut and New York.

I worked at a sports bar in lovely downtown Stamford. Since I was a mere 20 years old, and unable to go out drinking for New Years Eve due to my fake ID that just fell out of a Cracker Jack box, I took a shift at work. I figured I would make decent cash. It wasn’t a bad decision.

A bunch of loud, obnoxious guys came in. I waited on them for the entire night, putting up with their abuse and such. Finally, they paid their bill but for some reason decided to rip my tip (a $20 I think) in 1000 pieces, on the table. Drunks. Sooooo frustrating.

Another waitress sees this and starts yelling at them. She got an early start on the night at the bar and was already drunk by the way. They basically told her to fuck off and ran out the front door. But she decided to head them off at the pass. She ran through the kitchen, grabbing a big plastic beer pitcher from the dishwasher as she ran. She bounded out the front of the kitchen, right by the front door where our friends were zipping up their coats and high fiving each other.

First you heard a guy say, “OH SHIT!” Then you heard a thud so loud that the people in the far reaches of the bar looked up. There ends up being a massive fight, one guy holding another back from jumping on the waitress, and the manager finally tosses them out the front door. End of story. Back to work.

I got home late that night and went straight to bed.

The next morning my brother said, “Hey, come look at the front page of the paper. Three guys got arrested on the sidewalk outside your bar last night. Apparently they came out of the front door loud and unruly and bumped into some other people and it turned into a massive brawl.”

Uh oh. Oops.

I Know I Can’t Tame You But I Just Keep Trying

I’ve got a mess of stuff today. Blogger Happy Hour last night at Pharoh’s. I wouldn’t say I’m anti-social, but much prefer the small crowd to the unwieldy one. When Rob realized I had arrived, he said to us, “I’m glad you came. I got here at 7:00 and it was just me and the bartender.” I said: “Yeah, that happened to me once.”

KOB also came by to say a few words and I shared my horrible story about my blog getting republished on some crap site who isn’t giving myself or many other bloggers the credit and links they so legally deserve. Then KOB told me that I’ve been prolific lately, and usually with a dating blog the writer ends up finding a boyfriend and the blog dies. I told him that didn’t seem to be a problem for me. And this morning I woke up thinking, “Shit, I couldn’t find a good relationship if I crashed my car into it.”

Talked to Martin and Joe. There were others but I’m lazy and I’m trying to go out to lunch so it’s quick. Then I trotted home. Fuck. Even that’s an outright lie. I didn’t do any such thing. I stopped at Esther’s house and drank a beer with her and the Queen of Quantity. They were present for the HornyHungarian from Chi Cha last week.

Finally, Bilious Pudenda is back on the continent and he’s up to his old torturous ways. Sorry to any and all who are offended by the lunatic. I’m working on getting him committed. It will be a while though, because the straitjacket I secured for this event was stolen by Tom Cruise’s people.

You Might Have Heard I Run With a Dangerous Crowd

Here’s your next story from single life in New York. Before I begin, I want to tell you all who have linked to me that I know who you are, and once this blog is officially moved to www.velvetindupont.com, I am going to add all your links to the new template.

It’s 1997. A very young and naive Velvet is at a jazz club with a bunch of girlfriends in Stamford, Connecticut, just over the New York border. There are a few seats at the bar, but they are not together. Two girlfriends get seats together and Velvet sits around the corner of the bar and can still easily talk to the friends, but there’s a couple on the corner.

A bunch of men walk in to the bar. Unless you were living under a rock at the time, you would have immediately recognized the type in track suits, thick gold chains and crunchy hair as refugees from Long Island. They piled up to the bar, infiltrating any pockets of space remaining between myself and my girlfriends. They were on my left, they were on my right and they hijacked the bartender to feed them their Zima’s.

I’m not sure what happened, or how it happened, but the bartender signaled to the bouncer that these goons were to be tossed out. The bouncer immediately descended on the crowd and told them they had to go. Another bouncer arrived as back up. From my left, from my right and from behind me, punches were thrown. Track suits were manhandled. Gold chains were snatched. Crunchy hair came dangerously close to taking out an eye. Zima’s were spilled. The men were eventually ejected from the bar faster than trash gets dumped in the Long Island Sound. We all know that just because you are a wise guy from New York, doesn’t mean you can beat the ass of the Connecticut Ghetto.

After it was all over, the two bouncers came back up to me and asked me if I was ok. Somehow, I hadn’t been touched in the melee. I turned to my girlfriends, sitting just across the corner of the bar from me and asked, “I wonder why they came to ask me if I was ok?”

Nicole said, “Velvet, I don’t know how you remained unscathed in that massive brawl, but you did. I will forever have this vision, made possible by the spotlight from above the bar, shining directly on your head with everything around you one big haze in the darkness. You sat, surrounded by mafia-wannabes tossing punches with two giant bouncers as you sipped your gin and tonic, swaddled in your faux fur coat. Priceless.”

What did we learn from that story?

Sometimes Velvet is completely and utterly naive about danger on the left, right and in the back. And sometimes in front of her face.

And If He Can’t Drive With a Broken Back, At Least He Can Polish The Fenders

Watching the Soprano’s last night tossed me into a massive series of flashbacks about what it was like to grow up in Connecticut just over the border of New York. We spent a lot of time in New York City as a family and I spent a lot of time there as a single gal. I have very few bad memories of life in and around New York. The older I get, the more I really start to miss it. I’m not packing my bags yet, but last night was the first time the thought entered my brain and stayed there for more than 32 seconds.

Anyway, until I wash this latest hare-brained idea down the drain, I’m going to tell some stories this week about what dating up there was like. Today, you get the story of Frankie Finesse.

My pint sized girlfriend J and I were at a very happening (at the time) club in Stamford Connecticut. After I had sufficiently sprayed my phone number from one end of the Terrace Club to another, we decided to leave. We fell out of the front door, smack into a white stretch limo. Two good looking men emerged from the backseat and invited us inside. The moronic 23 year olds that we were, we hopped in.

The window between the driver and the backseat was rolled down and the driver asked if we were all having fun. From what I could see in the rear view mirror, he was pretty cute. Next thing I know, I’m asking if we can drive the limo, and pint sized J is behind the steering wheel. The driver, Frankie, slid over and sat next to me. J spun that limo around the parking lot for a few minutes, we exchanged numbers, said our goodbyes and that was the end of the night.

Frankie called. Boy did he call. Over and over. I decided to go out with him. Since I was living with my brother at the time, I didn’t want him coming to my house with his freaking limo (apparently it was his business and his only car) so I went to his house, in the Bronx baby!!!

We go on our date, and his cell phone rings. Now, this would be a normal scene for anyone on a date in today’s time. But let me remind you: The year is 1996. Cell phones were the size of shoeboxes at the time. So Frankie is on his cell phone for the entire meal, acting as much Tony Soprano that he could pull off, wheeling, dealing, agreeing to pick up some big whig and drive him around with his hookers and strippers for the night. Every call he took, he smiled at me, and rolled his eyes as if to say, “This is what life with Frankie Finesse is like, all glory.”

I decided it was definitely time to go. Like, yesterday. So we hurried out of there and went back to his house where I could drop him off and get back to WASP-Land Connecticut and the safety of my parents house, where my brother and I were living at the time. Frankie asked me to come inside for a minute. I protested, but he said he had to give me something.

Funny as I’m telling this story, I look back and think that I would never go in this guys house now. But, ten years ago, whatever. He handed me a bouquet of flowers. It was really a mess of flowers, no one flower looking like the next. They looked wild if you asked me, but what the hell did I know? I’ve rarely been on the receiving end of flowers. I brought the mess home with me, plopped it on the kitchen counter and went up to my room. To do what, I have no idea. We didn’t have internet back then.

I hear my brother go bounding down the stairs, careen around the corner, stop dead in his tracks and start cackling like a hyena who just smoked a joint.

“WHAT IDIOT GAVE YOU THESE WEEDS?”

Another Night Another Dream But Always You

Normally my dreams are of the plane crashing, dogs dying, pulling super long snot out of my nose variety. But, you’re haunting me again. Whether you’re following me around London or I’m sneaking into your house, you are still haunting me.

This time, I was sitting in a cafe at the window, eating my lunch, alone. My cell phone rang. Even though your number is no longer programmed in my phone, I recognized it and answered trying to sound non-chalant. You couldn’t seem to clear your voice, and I couldn’t understand a word you were saying. Trying as hard as you could, you just couldn’t seem to get the words out and eventually I hung up.

Then you walked into the cafe and sat down next to me, explaining that you were calling to tell me you saw me through the window. You were much friendlier than I was used to. It was a change from your normally serious disposition. You said that you had broken up with your girlfriend, and mentioned something about getting together. I sat there, facing you, knowing that I have waited for this moment for over a year. I knew that I was at the crossroads, and we could go back, or we could forge ahead. You were waiting for an answer.

I said, “No.”

We gathered our things and left the cafe. As you crossed at the corner, I said, “It never would have been like I wanted it to be, would it?” You shook your head, turned back around and walked home.

I get it.

You Can Set Your Secrets Free Baby

I feel dirty today. Not dirty in a good way though.

I’ve been writing to a handful of Craigslist men. I didn’t bother to mention any of them because, well none of them were worth mentioning. Well, until now.

One man I’ve been emailing asked if we could IM last night. So I hopped on IM and we talked for an hour. He lives in Herndon (holy shit Batman, that’s far!) is good looking, and he is also half Greek. So that last fact encourages me to continue the conversation, even knowing I could never be bothered to date someone who lives so far out.

On IM last night he mentioned something like, “Do you have any fetishes?” Le sigh. The warning bell went off in my head as I imagined this guy partaking in all sorts of sordid activity that would make my ears burn. But of course, glutton for punishment that I am, I prodded him to tell me what he was getting at. He asked me again. I said, “I’m about to turn 33. I lived with someone for 6 years. I’ve done what I’ve wanted to do, there’s nothing left undone for me in the bedroom.” Well, I’m sure there is, but not anything that readily comes to mind.

He begins this whole long painful story while I simultaneously talked on the phone with an old friend and texted another CL guy. I was the master of communication last night. Anyway, after beating around the bush for 20 minutes, he tells me he likes to be pinned by a woman, with her legs holding his arms, and her coochie in his face. Ok, he didn’t use the word coochie, that’s my word, but you get it. Then he launched a full on attack on my email inbox with pictures like this.

Well, I guess I’m done with him. Why are all the Greeks so weird?

Last night I walked the dogs around 10:00. A guy passes me, all bundled up, and after our dogs greeted each other, we continued in opposite direction while I mutter to myself that I think I know that man. I turn around, call his name, and he answers. It was the guy from the meeting – the one where I said I wanted to do very bad things to him. He was walking his dog. Alone. Looking very heterosexual. Still not wearing a ring. We talked for a couple minutes about business, then dogs. He said he would get in touch with me today. Anxiously waiting for that moment. NewJersey who?

Only You Can Save Me Now, From This Misery

Apparently I enjoy the torture dispensed by the folks at Craigslist. Check this out:

  • Read your ad on net and can’t belive that I could find some one as kool as u in my life time. well what can i say today is my day …. hey could u plz hang for a sec ……………………………………… ok! I am back .. sorry had to take this phone call. ok so what i was talking about … god .. i think i need memory upgrade ….. ok ok remember now …. ur search is over, cuz iu have found me … i am looking 4 same … yeah i know u might have heard it alot from prety much all the guys but this time its real .most of the guys who say that are big drama creaters themselves .. no no no NOT me. well i found a very u upfront, straight, bold, honest and interesting person .. well not as interesting as i am but still interesting enough ..ok ok calmn down i am just kidding …..:) i have many good things to tell about me so not sure where to start .. how about this .. let me give u brief intro and if u found urself interested reply and we will go from there .. i am 32, single, drama free guy .. i am well educated, down to earth (was just kidding up there … happen to have bad sence of humor), easy going person.
    keep ambulance ready cuz i am sending u my pic. just incase u need medical assistance after seeing me .. no no not cuz i am ugly just cuz i am tooo cute …ahhahahah … cum on i just said i am down to earth … ok no jokes now … i am down 2 earth person and easy to get alone … just joke around .. hope u understand .. ok ok i know email is getting too long, so b4 u delete it even reading any further i let u go and will wait for ur reply

The rocket scientist never did attach that picture. I wrote back and simply said: “Are you SURE you’re well educated? I can’t make any sense of your email. Everything is spelled wrong, I can’t figure any of this out.” And I got this:

  • thx for ur response … i am wondering if u r educated? yeah my spellings are messed up and run spell check is not my style … however u couldn’t make any sence out of it .. hummmmmm … wel that makes me wonder about ur credentials ….:) wel dear i am B.S in electrical and computer engineering and masters in information system … professional i work as an engineer for telecom company … may be my writting style is bit confusing to u … but thats what i am .. if u r still interested drop me a line …

Seriously. I was wondering how bad it has to get before it gets better. Shit. Spoke too soon.

  • I am responding to your ad. I would like to meet up with you if it possible. I live and work in the Woodbridge area. I have a foot fetish. I am 5-10 tall and dark brown skin and 30 years old. Let me know if you interested

And the Velvet responds with: “You’re in luck. I happen to have not one, but two feet!” He hasn’t responded. Oh well.

UPDATE:

Here’s what I posted.

I’ve met you all. First there was “Mr. I don’t care that you are pushing me away, I’ll stick my tongue further into your mouth, and grope you.” Then I met “Mr. I will send you massive amounts of text messages at all hours of the day and night.” Then I met “Mr. I’m going to disappear for a while, but when I come back, I’m going to unravel and go crazy on you.” Then I met “Mr. I think this could really go somewhere but oops, I’ve changed my mind.” What is it with Craigslist? Is there anyone normal out there? Should I give up? Should I bag this whole idea and become a nun?

Is there no one out there in their 30’s who has the combination of integrity and decent looks? I’m not looking for Brad Pitt, I’m looking for someone, normal. Just normal. Calls when he says he will. Opens doors for me. Went to college. Eh, screw it. Maybe you’re not there.

Don’t Go Away Mad, Just Go Away

The reason updating has been so slow is twofold. 1) There’s not a lot going on in the life of Velvet. 2) I’m trying to move the blog off blogger to the www.velvetindupont.com domain. It’s coming soon, but still working out the kinks.

Saturday night I went out with a new friend from the dog park. We hit the Local 16 / Chi Cha circuit. When we got into Chi Cha, we took a place near the back, with our drinks, and surveyed the crowd. It’s typical for people to not move through bars at breakneck speed. But I noticed someone walking through incredibly fast, as if he was looking for someone. He walked right past us, and I glanced up and realized I knew him. Not only did I know him, but I’ve dated him.

Enter the Horny Hungarian, stage left. When he realized it was me he was within five feet of, he took off like a rabid animal on red bull running from a gun pointing Dick Cheney. He took off right into the kitchen of Chi Cha, where he was promptly kicked out.

He had to come right back by me, and as he did he got right in my ear and said, “What the fuck are you looking at?” Oh boy. My friend said, “Did he just say what I think he did?” I confirmed for her. She asked why he would say that. I told her he’s perhaps the most ungracious of any men I’ve tried to end things with.

Horny Hungarian: So, want to get together again?
Me: I’m not really feeling this. I’m sorry.
HH: Well, why don’t we just have sex. A Friends-With-Benefits type thing?
Me (thinking he deserves credit for coming out and asking this instead of trying to manipulate it into happening:) No, because I’m really not feeling you like that.
HH: Ok. Fine. I won’t touch you. We can watch each other masturbate.
Me: Again. No.

At this point he became enraged and hung up on me. About as enraged as he seemed in the bar the other night when he got booted out of the kitchen. What a dick.

I Might Be Barely Breathing But I’m Not Dead

I’m sorry the posting has been sparse. I promise I’m not disappearing, or stopping the blog. I was tossed off the horse with this NewJersey thing and I’ve got no men in the hopper. I forgot to stock up for the lean times. Give me time. I won’t get boring on you. Don’t forget, there were many years of shitty dating before the birth of the blog. I have a few completely ridiculous things up the sleeve. Believe me.

Now, there are a couple things to cover.

That email response I got from NewJersey when he was answering my latest Craigslist ad – I forwarded to a friend. I would link to said friend, but I’m not sure that friend wants to be outed. It was NOT El Guapo, even though you all made that request. El Guapo is busy being guapo, I can’t be calling him for everything. Anyway, the friend handled it beautifully.

Response to NJ from fake email without original email attached: I didn’t think we would meet again, NewJersey.
NJ: Do I know you? How so?
Response: You were the one to answer my ad on Craigslist, NewJersey.

HA! Giggling over here. That’s pretty funny. He’s gone silent now. Guess he’s over there checking his dance card to see who it could possibly be. It’s petty, but it made me laugh. I’d laugh more if he would write back and then be sent on a date somewhere, but that doesn’t seem to be what fate has in mind for this little prick.

Anyway, this week has brought a lot of interesting things into my life. This time without the distraction of men has really allowed me to get parts of my emotional house in order. Last weekend I went to see my Great Uncle M in South Jersey. It became apparent that someone was going to have to get involved in his medical care because he is having trouble understanding the nurses and doctor at the home. Since he never married and had no children, it’s up to the rest of us. Everyone seems to be doing a little part, but no one has become the advocate. My other Great Uncle (J) is incredibly busy with his own daughter, grandson and great granddaughter, so he agreed to let me share the Power of Attorney with him on Uncle M’s medical issues. I feel like I really have to get involved with this, because my poor Uncle M is so upset, and so unsure of what is happening to him. After I left, he called my parents and told them it really made him happy that I went to see him. It’s a long drive, but I certainly plan on doing more of it in the future.

With something bad has to come something good or whatever that statement is. After the demise of NewJersey, you all may have seen a comment on my blog from an obvious “ex-friend.” She realized I was hurting and decided to reach out. We had dinner tonight and I’m glad that we were able to rekindle our friendship mojo. We have a good banter, and it was awesome to know that we’re back from commercial break and it feels like nothing even happened to begin with.

I’ve been talking about me me me to my friends for the past three weeks with this NewJersey thing, and frankly, I was getting sick of myself too. While the loss is still very palpable, I’m angry enough about the way he handled it to know that I don’t miss the person underneath. I miss the idea. I’m coming around the corner at another birthday, and this is one I’m going to feel. I’ve never minded this non-stop dating before because I never wanted to set the circus down with one man before. But all of a sudden, during and after the end of NewJersey, I realized that it might be time for me. I want more. I don’t know how I’m going to get it, but I want more.

Ain’t it a Shame, The Heart Must Feel Pain

Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. I’m still not pleased that the damn guards at my heart went out for a piss break and left the place unmanned. Then some asshole got in and shit all over the place. Lazy guards. You just can’t find good help these days. I hired extra guards and expect that all points of entry have been armed.

Anyway, I put up an ad on Craigslist, just to find one decent guy to date so that I could get my mind past this NewJersey thing. And guess who emailed my blind ad, not knowing it was me? Yes. It’s really a joke, I know. Damn irony.

  • Hi there, Your ad caught my eye. I too am looking for the real thing. I’ve always seen dating as a means to find that special someone. Of course I’m going to have some fun fun along the way. Measuring someone up as a potential life partner is a lot of pressure to put ona coffee date. We share many of the characteristics you specified inyour posting. I’m 35, white, live in DC, not religious, witty (I’d like to think), and often dripping with sarcasm. I have a master’s degree and am a very intellectually curious fellow. I’ve attached a pic. I’ll tell you more about myself if I make it past the initial screening process. 🙂

Ok, before I get a bunch of comments saying “Well, you’re trying again, why should he??” I get that. Believe me, I get it. It would have just been nice if I didn’t have to get that email from him, not knowing he was sending it to me – not recognizing the stats as potentially mine.

“Velvet, this is Craigslist A.A. calling. Step away from the computer.”

Somebody Tell My Head to Try to Tell My Heart That I’m Better Off Without You

I have been mum on updating the NewJersey situation. It’s a rollercoaster, so please, buckle up.
After leaving the proverbial ball in his court, he sent an email last Tuesday saying that he left his phone at work and would call me the following evening. He called as he was getting in the car to leave work. I was in a meeting for my condo board, so I told him I would have to call him back. I said, “Are you going to pick up the phone?” He said if for some reason he didn’t, he would definitely call me back before the evening was out. I called at 9:15, of course got voicemail, and he called back at 10:00 p.m. Lucky for me, he started. And he started quite rapidly, obviously he had stuff to say. None of it was bad.

NJ: Let me just say that the not calling you back thing was wrong. The whole movie situation was a mess, I didn’t know my ringer was on and I was really strugging to get it turned off and didn’t realize I hung up on you. And I got your very sweet text message that you were thinking about me, and I was thinking about you that day too, in fact, I was thinking about you the day before too, but it just like, doesn’t occur to me to write back. And I know that doesn’t make it right but…

Me: Ok. Well, the hanging up on me thing was out of hand. And you have to get that it robs any sort of security I have with you that we’re actually making progress when things like this happen.

NJ: I know. And you and I haven’t talked at all about what we’re doing, what the long term potential is.

Me: Well, the night you came over you were very drunk – yes you brought it up on the phone, and all.

NJ: Oh no. Please don’t hold me to anything I said that night. I was really drunk.

Me: I know. You knew. Because on the phone you said you wanted to talk about it, but when you came over you said you had things to say but couldn’t say them because you were too drunk.

NJ: Oh. Phew. Well. I suppose I’m going to put you on the spot then, what are you thinking about this, and me?

Me: Uh…great.

NJ: I know well…

Me: No. I’ll go first. It’s fine. I shall consider it my punishment for sending the email. Which by the way was far from the easiest thing I’ve done. I swear it sat in my drafts for a good 4 hours before I sent it.

NJ: I never thought that it was easy.

Me: I know but I think that I actually was like, physically sick when I sent that. And that’s how I know how I feel about you. I don’t consciously sit around thinking about how I feel, it just comes to me. So I see how I react to things like that, or the fact that I’ll get 20 emails in the morning but I open yours first, and think ‘uh oh I’m in trouble’ and that’s just how I know. I’m prioritizing you above other stuff. Not a good sign, depending on how you look at it.

NJ: (laughing)

Me: Shit. Are you laughing at me?

NJ: I’m laughing with you. Ok. So is that it?

Me: Uh, yeah.

NJ: Ok, well I approach the whole thing differently. I have in my mind this list of things that I need to keep pursuing a relationship. Obviously we’ve made it past a few dates, so that’s good.

Me: Yes. We have good banter. Agreed.

NJ: Well, this is about to get really deep. And I don’t know that we should be doing this on the phone, but I think we have to talk this out now because it’s gone too far.

Me: okay….

NJ: Well, I want kids. I know I want kids. And I’m not getting younger. I’m not 25 anymore, so I can’t be screwing around with people who don’t want the same things I do.

Me: Agreed.

NJ: and you don’t have to answer this now, but it is something I need to know. I want to be a Dad, and I know that for sure.

Me: I can answer it now. I think we talked about this, in fact I know we did because I said then the same thing I will say now. Based on the way I feel about the doggies, I know that it would be a natural progression for me. And while I was probably averse to it for most of my life, once my niece came along, I think it changed my whole world, and I just told my brother that she like, brought out this thing in me to have kids. But I’m not a psycho about it, and I don’t want to be one of those people doing it when I’m 45 either. It sort of has to happen sooner than later I guess, otherwise not at all. It’s not going to ruin my life if it doesn’t happen. Make sense?

NJ: Ok. Yes.

Me: So…

NJ: Well. I don’t know where to go from here. I mean, I want to keep talking about this. I think we need to.

Me: Yup. And sorry for the email.

NJ: The email wasn’t bad. I didn’t find it whiny, needy or out of line. You are within your right to know what’s going on.

Me: It’s easier to kiss something bye when it’s not giving you what you want in the time allowed I suppose.

NJ: Well, we’re still in the getting to know you phase.

Me: I know.

NJ: I mean, I wouldn’t say we’re on sure footing, because we are still in this stage, but we’re headed there. It’s only been like half a dozen dates.

Me: I know.

NJ: Ok. Well, I think that I’ve been able to say what I wanted to say. Is there anything else you want to say?

Me: Look it happened to me once before where I dated someone a long time and just couldn’t open my mouth to tell him what I was thinking. And I’m not trying to scare you, so don’t read into this, but it went on a long time and I was basically in love with him, and he gave me all the chances to say something and I never did. So I promised myself if I ever had strong feelings for someone again that I would have to tell them. So there.

NJ: Ok. So, I think we should still see each other and go from there.

Me: Ok.

NJ: It will be hard to move to a non-deep conversation after this. And I have to call my mom which is a whole other story right now.

Me: Ok.

NJ: So you don’t hate me?

Me: Nope. Far from hating you.

NJ: Good. We’ll talk soon?

Me: Ok

NJ/me: bye.

So that was Wednesday night. I got to work Thursday, and felt not great about it, but okay. I had my hour of power therapy and told the therapist everything. I thought she was going to be on the Velvet & NJ side, but she was far far from it.

Two things basically came out of my hour with her. The first was her statement that he is so far from treating me right. She said he’s playing games and I deserve better. My retort was that perhaps he really is socially inept, and I never give anyone a chance – who better to give a bit of a chance to than someone I could actually fall in love with?

The second thing that came out of the hour was my statement: A man who says that he wants kids more than anything and is basically looking for a place in which to spread his seed is fucking scary. Again: FUCKING SCARY. I’m not averse to the idea, but I don’t think that marriage and kids belong in the same bundle for everyone. I think that my attitude about this is the true way to go – I could see kids in my future, but I’m more committed to the idea of finding a man I can love forever and live with forever, than a man who would be a good father. If I find someone wonderful, but he happens to travel a lot, or wouldn’t be a good father for some other valid reason, I would never kick him to the curb. For me, the relationship part is the more important piece. The kids are secondary to an incredible relationship.

Friday comes and goes. Nothing from the NJ camp.

Saturday morning I hauled ass up to South Jersey (yeah, I get the joke) of all places, to visit my Great-Uncle in a retirement home. There’s a lot to write about this visit, but at one point he looked at me and said, “Velvet, pick a good one.” I said, “What?” He said, “Ask a lot of questions, listen very carefully to what he says, and pick a good one.” I could have cried. I said, “I’m trying. I promise you.”

Saturday night I drove back to D.C. and really sort of realized that NewJersey, absent in my life again, was, well, probably not going to make good on any of his promises. Despite the fact that he seemed to show that he didn’t want me to end it, despite the fact that he seemed incredibly interested in continuing the talk in person, despite, well, whatever. I got home to this email.

Velvet:

So another weekend has gone by and I have not called you. You have not called me either, but I understand that the guy is expected to initiate these things for the most part.

The bottom line is that I cannot reciprocate the feelings you expressed to me the other day on the phone. I like you and enjoy spending time with you, but can’t say that I feel that extra special something. (as you described it, the impulse to open your email first). I don’t say these things to hurt you; I just feel it’s better to get everything out in the open. The last thing I want to do is play games with you or waste your time.

I don’t know what else to say. Of course there’s a chance you will just tell me to fuck off, and that’s your right. But, I certainly did/do not intend to hurt you and find it’s better to express this stuff earlier rather than later.

Take care,
NewJersey

Ladies and gents: I have turned in my resignation as “NewJersey’s Punching Bag,” effective immediately. I did not write back. I will not write back, ever. I deleted his number and all his text messages out of my phone. I would break his CD into a thousand pieces, like he broke my heart, but, alas, it’s a Beastie Boys classic, and I’m going to add it to my collection.

I have to do the reply, but only for you to see. I promise, this is just my own therapy.

Dear NJ:

How positively cowardly of you to send me an email to end things when we have been dating for two months. You’ve proven yourself a real standup guy, and I appreciate you taking the time to elicit every emotion out of me in the last seven days, including reviving my hope on Wednesday that you and I stood a chance.

Please note that I’m no longer protecting your words from the blog. Your email was copied and pasted, to Velvet in Dupont, who by the way, will one day make you sorry you were such an ass.

It’s not an idle threat, it’s not my anger talking. Something very serious is happening with this blog that I can’t discuss, but believe this. One day you just might see this reply I’ve written. Only it won’t be in your email inbox. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Signed,
Velvet

Dearest Readers: I’m ok. My shell is a little tougher because of the emotional rollercoaster I have been on with this guy. I have to say – he did a good job faking the chemistry. A real good job. My bullshit-ometer is pretty well tuned. But I missed this one. I know – a lot of you didn’t. I have to remind myself that 3rd parties can sometimes see this stuff easier. I’m going to try to listen to you all a little more in the future. Anyway, the comments are on. Feel free…you can tell me that the book never lies. You can tell me whatever you want. I should have listened, but I just couldn’t make my heart catch up to what my head already knew.

It’s Just Lunch Recap

I’m going to post a running review of my “friends” at It’s Just Lunch. I’ve had this in my Drafts for many months, but for other reasons that I can’t get into right now, I need to put this review up. Each time there’s a new date or more communication, I plan on appending this entry and making the date current again. You will see this entry a few more times until May, the end of my dreaded contract with these jerks. It’s Just Lunch will be referred to as “IJL” after this point.

May 2005
Interviewed with Melanie. Spent about an hour with her where she filled out the “intake sheet” which is detailed information on what you want in a mate. She told me that their clients were mainly doctors, lawyers and congressmen. She said she I would get a call with my matches shortly. I did receive this call and they asked me my availability for the rest of May. I told them I would be in Europe, and that I was coming back on Wednesday May 25, to not set me up for the 26th, but that I would be ready for a date by the 27th. They set me up for lunch on the 26th anyway, and I got the confirmation call while I was at the airport waiting to fly to Paris. With only 20 minutes to board a flight to Europe, I was unable to call them back to remind them that Thursday the 26th was not a day that I was available.

On the flight home from Europe, all our luggage was lost. I got home at 11 p.m. Wednesday night to find that my contractor was still working in my apartment, which was now a mess in a sea of sawdust, and all my furniture was in the living room. He didn’t leave until after midnight, which was basically 5 a.m. for my jet-lagged self. I was in no condition to go to lunch, so I canceled. They never called to reschedule, eventually telling me that the man I was to meet had “expired.” Does that mean he’s dead?

Date 1: June 2005; StanderUpper
My first date was scheduled with the StanderUpper and he never showed up, after I had spent $12 for a cab to the highly inconvenient location of Georgetown. Another $12 to get back home and I was thoroughly irritated. IJL never really tells you why the other person didn’t show, they dance around it, use the word “misunderstanding” and don’t give you a straight answer. They set the date up for another time, and while he was pleasant enough, his yellow teeth were where I would draw the line. Note to self: Call them and ask them to add white teeth to my “intake sheet.”

Date 2: June 2005; IJLHater
I arrived at the restaurant and asked for the reservation for the “Velvet and IJLHater” party. The hostess said she had a reservation for “Velvet and Ryan” but not “Velvet and IJLHater.” I called IJL to ask them who exactly I was meeting. They put me on speaker phone while they discussed it, and then said, “We’re all in agreement, you are meeting Ryan.” I said, “Are you sure? Because in all our discussions you told me his name was IJLHater.” They put me on hold, came back and said that it was IJLHater.

When he arrived, I still had to ask him his name. Yes, it was IJLHater. This made him launch into a disseration on how bad IJL is, recanting the story on their hardcore sales technique. He said that he didn’t want to write them a check that day and they sent a courier to his house to pick up the check. He said that the reason they don’t take credit cards is because they are a sucky service, do zero in the way of matchmaking and he’s just trying to get through it. He gave me his number, but even though he might be right about how bad IJL is, I never called him because his negativity was over the top. As a sidenote, IJL described him as very athletic, and I think that his physique would be more of the “athletic beer drinker” type. Also, he didn’t eat with me, forcing me to eat alone, which I hate.

While IJL tried to set up this next date, they referred to him by two different names – IJLLaywer and Walter. When I called the office and left a message for the semi-competent girl working there, the other stupid girl called back yelled into my voicemail, saying “We don’t even have a Walter here.” That’s hardly an excuse, because it doesn’t mean they wouldn’t screw it up anyway. Also, when they asked me for my availability, I said, “Any day but Thursday” and they set me up for THURSDAY. This is not the first time this has happened, nor will it be the last.

Date 3: IJLLawyer; July 2005
We met for drinks. This date was nondescript. He was nice enough, but totally not my type. He was, however, the only lawyer I dated. Remember that IJL said that Laywers made up the majority of their clients.

Date 4: GreekFreak; July 2005
The biggest freak so far. He also happened to be Greek. Hence the nickname. We sat down for lunch and he refused to look at the menu, ordering things that didn’t exist in a “When Harry Met Sally Mode” (I’ll have this but this on the side…) The waiter made suggestions to him based on what he was asking for, but, he refused to look at the places the waiter was pointing. When the waiter finally got our order and left, he mumbled “fucker” as well as a few other expletives, under his breath. The waiter was really being patient with him, so I was surprised. He then said, “I’m really very low maintenance.” Yeah, ok. It turns out he is from Baltimore (why would I drive there for a date, come on!) and he thinks “women in D.C. are more interesting.” Then he launched into a story about how he went out with a bunch of people and was buying everyone lapdances and he had these strippers calling him. (What? Where am I? His foot was so far in his mouth I could only see the kneecap.) He was 45, and told me that he just moved out of his mom’s house, but he still eats dinner there every night. Yup. He’s Greek all right. The funny part of this was that my friend Sara came to the restaurant and ate lunch there with our other friend. They were sending me text messages the entire time. The unfunny part is that they told everyone at the bar the whole story. I stupidly exchanged numbers with him and he called me 6 times without me calling back before he got the hint.

Date 5: DoubleDutch; July 2005
Another one like Date 3 who was nice enough, but in his late 40’s and way out of my age range. When the bill came, I gave him a $20, even though I only had a $7 salad and a water. He paid the bill with a credit card and kept my $20. By all calculations, I didn’t think the bill could be more than $25, so I really thought that was weird. I even said, because I couldn’t help myself, “Was that enough?” And he said, “It about covers half.” Sure dude. Whatevs.

Date 6: HarleyRider; August 2005
The date (#6 of my 14 date obligation with Its Just Lunch) was in Bethesda at 1 at Cafe Deluxe with HarleyRider. The hostess informs me that they dont take reservations so its not like I can go sit at the table and wait for him to come to me or have him already be sitting there. I have to guess who he might be in the waiting area. And based on their track record, it could really be just about anybody – the guy with no front teeth, the midget, the conjoined twins (although they would probably count that as two dates,) the big fat guy wearing a nametag from his job at Midas. I see this guy at the bar. I’m thinking there is no way it can be the dude because hes way hot. But at that moment he turns completely around and says my name. And I about died. Fucking finally. Slot machine sound byte please.ding ding ding ding ding.

I sit next to him at the bar and I see that hes holding a Harley helmet. (Christ, its like Ive now left the slots and just put all my money on the winning number at the roulette table.) He tells me he rode his Harley V-Rod here. (And now I just got 21 at the Blackjack table.) Of course I share my Harley story and all. We go sit down and order, have a fine lunch. Turns out that he also drives a speedracer, also has a Harley and also has a brother living in Michigan. He lives in Rockville and works downtown; I live downtown and work in Rockville. What the hell is going on right now?

After lunch we go out to the parking lot and hes like, Want to see the bike? So I say ok, of course, and we go over there. Were discussing accessories and all that fun stuff, then the rest of the conversation goes like this:

Him: So are we going to sit here making more small talk or are you going to give me your number?
Me: Uh, I’m going to give you my number. (Like how I stutter? I’m really not slick.)
(we each take out our phones)
Him: Ok, shoot.
(At this point we each exchange numbers and program them in our phones.)
Him: Ok, so call me if you want to do something sometime.
Me: No.
Him: No?
Me: I dont call boys. If you want to see me, you have to call me.
Him: Can I see your phone for a second?
I give him my phone. Is he about to erase his number?
Him: Here, I’m calling myself, its about to beep, say hi. He hands me the phone.
Me: Hi, I’m standing here with you in the parking garage, so, hi.
Him: There we go, now Ill have to call you back and you wont have to be the one who called first.

Is that charming? I think its quirky enough to be classified as charming.

Finally a good looking guy. He wasn’t as tall as I would like my man, but after scraping the bottom of the IJL barrel for so long, I was happy to have lunch with him. He called me once, but really wanted me to call him, using the line, “Well, if you ever want to get together, call me.” I’m used to and frankly prefer men who are more aggressive than that.

Date 7: EmailBuddy; August 2005
This guy was pretty cool. We established early on that we would not date because he is a smoker and despite the fact that he demanded IJL tell his dates that he’s a hardcore smoker, they choose not to, knowing that they wouldn’t be able to match him up with anyone. We stayed in touch via email and exchanged horror stories.

The staff has now changed at IJL and new people are calling me. The people I used to work with are no longer calling me. But they may as well be the same because when they called for my availability, I said, “Any day but Friday” and they set me up for Friday which I then have to change. Another note to self: Never breath the day of the week to these incompetents for which I am unavailable.

Date 8: DateEight; November 2005
I stopped using real names. We went to Panache between Connecticut and 17th on Desales. For anyone who doesnt know where that little street is, its between L and M.

I got there and the bar was packed. I’m hoping Date Eight is not mixed in the mess of Eurotrash at the bar, but then I remember the lunch people told me they made reservations for us under both our names. This waiter asks me if I need help as there really isnt a host. I say, I’m meeting someone here and I believe we have a reservation. He goes to look. I can see that they only have a whopping 3 reservations on the screen. I give him my name. He shakes his head. So I give Date Eights name. Shakes his head no again. Surprise – no reservation. Like I’m shocked at this point that they’ve slaughtered yet another detail.

The waiter says, Well is he here? At this point, ANYONE could have played it cooler than I. On the other occasions I have been asked this question, I always screw it up. Immediately I stick my foot in my mouth up to my knee and start blabbering about how I’m being set up and I don’t know what he looks like. The waiter is laughing and says, Blind date! Fun! I said, For you maybe. Once this line of questioning starts, they inevitably ask about the friend who set us up. Its too complicated to explain that Ive entrusted my dating life to a bunch of sorority girls with double digit IQs. I decided to just take a table, half to get my foot out of my mouth and half to make sure I didn’t push my foot in any further.

He arrived shortly after I did, and the same waiter (who ends up not even being our waiter) brought him to the table. I felt instantly comfortable. I don’t know exactly what it was or how to put my finger on it. Last night with Steve1, when I saw him I wasn’t attracted to him and knew I would never be attracted to him. He put his hand on my knee or touched my elbow and I almost cringed. But tonight with Date Eight, it was more like, Ok, I could see myself maybe dating this guy. I think I’m at the point where I’m now conscious of that first 10 second impression rule. Alas, he didn’t touch my elbow or knee so that I could test my theory.

Again, there aren’t a lot of details. We have a lot of odd similarities. We are both the youngest of three, he grew up two towns away from me, just over the N.Y. border, parents still married. Although, his parents seem relatively sane compared to Jekyl and Hyde over there at the Velvet Family Compound. We drank, ate, had good conversation all the way through and that was that. He was going to meet friends, I was going home so I could go to bed. I’m planning a day of Christmas shopping tomorrow. I must buy all sorts of cute clothes for little baby.

On the way out of the restaurant, the waiter shook both our hands and said, Bye Velvet! I was surprised he remembered my name so I said, Wow, you’re good. And he said, So are you. What? What has he heard?

Date 9: LowTalker; December 2005
On the first attempt at this date, IJL sent me to Georgetown on a damn Friday again, and he didn’t show up. With the new cab surcharge for gas, I spent $25 for the cab ride. So annoying. I called and bitched, and of course, they just say something neutral like, “It was a misunderstanding.” They never admit that they screwed up or that the guy didn’t show up. Finally they reschedule, for a Saturday now, when I have specifically requested they don’t ruin my weekend prime nights with this garbage.

So, either I was getting sick of IJL at this point, or he was especially annoying, but this was one of the worst dates I’ve had. Initially, they started to show us to a table, and the night dates are not supposed to be dinner, only the lunch dates are for food. At night you are supposed to have a drink, and they stress, one drink. I said, Wait, we’re supposed to go to the bar, and besides, I already ate. It was awkward, mostly because he had several chances to stop them from showing us to a table, but didn’t. So I had to do it. I hate that. And then we made our way back to the bar. I just didn’t feel like having a long drawn out dinner with him. That turned out to be the smartest idea Ive had in weeks. Two minutes after meeting this guy I knew I wanted out. He ordered a port wine and the bartender forgot to pour it. (Psychic Message sent to Bartenders: Come on people! Hurry up! I want out of here!) Finally he asked the other bartender and she poured it for him. When he took a sip of it he held it in his mouth with his eyes closed for about 15 uncomfortable seconds.

My first order of business was to ask him what happened last week when he didn’t show. He said they told him 8:00. So he got there and I was gone, by an hour and a half, as they told me 6:00. I hate them. They are the worst excuse for a matchmaking dating service ever.

He is probably no more than 18 inches away from me and everything he said I had to ask, What? He would raise his voice to repeat what he said, then retreat to the low mumbling again. Very frustrating. This is the gem of the night:

Date#9LowTalker: So, how long have you been doing It’s Just Lunch?
Velvet: About 6 months. How long have you been doing it?
Date #9LT: Doing what?

Who has THAT short of a short term memory?

I think that this man had not been briefed that these evening dates were only for a drink. This became very awkward. When I realized that he was just going to continue mumbling story after story that I got sick of straining to hear, I had to break the tension. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and the weirdest thing happened. I thought the heel of my boot broke when I was walking to the bathroom because something felt weird with my left leg and it felt like my knee was hyperextending. I made it to the bathroom thinking that I was so fucking bored with this man that half my body was in a coma. I tried to walk it off in the bathroom – it wasn’t like the pins and needles of a sleeping foot or leg – this was totally like nothing I have ever felt before.

When a stall became available, I went in to pee. Somehow, as I was crouching to sit, the bum leg gave out and I fell onto the toilet. Only me. I swear. I started to become worried at this point that I had Bells Palsy of the leg or something. I stood up and I felt very weird. I paced inside the bathroom for a couple minutes, checked the heel on my boot, poked my leg in various places, and started to recover a little. When I got back to the bar, Date#9LowTalker seemed to make a statement about me taking a while or something so I said there was a line. (Yeah, behind my peg leg.) And he said, But the place is empty. Whatever. I can’t elaborate with him anymore.

As I sat back down, I said, Well, I need to get going. I’m supposed to meet some friends in a bit. He said, What time? I said, Oh, they are gathering soon I would imagine. Then as I made a move to reach for the check, he launched into a new topic of conversation.

Me (as I’m reaching for check:) So, I need to meet some friends in a bit.
Him: Do you like movies or tv?

Ugh! I make it through this little attempt to keep me there longer and think I’m in the clear. Then, this:

Date#9LT: Have you ever done online dating?
Velvet: Uh, once.
(Yeah, once this week maybe.)
Date#9LT: Did you know a lot of the profiles are fake?
Velvet: No, really?

Then he launches into a whole story about how he caught someone lying about being a computer programmer. All I’m doing is trying to expedite the bill paying process. I finally throw some money down and as his story brings tears of boredom to my eyes, I hail the bartender to get our change. Then he starts a whole new story about politics of all things and I’m thinking, What is wrong with him? I am trying to LEAVE. He says that he thinks Libertarians are the weirdest people. Thats funny because I consider myself a Libertarian, but I dont consider myself to be among the crazy Libertarians on the ballot every 4 years. Why he is launching into a topic as complicated as politics is beyond me when he sees that I’m zipping up my purse? Get a clue buddy. Finally he poses some deep question to me and I’m seething because I just want to get out of there and I said, Theres no sense in discussing politics because there;s nothing we can do to change any of this and anyone who believes otherwise is living in a bubble. You would think he would get the hint that I don’t want to discuss that or anything else, but nope.

I guess he is really lonely. He was nice, but that low mumbling and the conversation hijacking was out of control. When we finally have our change and leave the tip, I stand up. Then, he asks, So, do you prefer movies or t.v.? This guy is FUCKING KILLING ME. It was like I was on Candid Camera. I tell him t.v. and I start to make my way to the door.

We get out in the street and I’m like, It was nice meeting you. And he says, Have you seen any good movies lately? I cannot believe this is happening. I am, at this point, being so far beyond rude because I just cannot take anymore. He wasn’t catching subtle hints like me jingling my keys, he wasnt catching giant hints like me walking out the door. Finally, a happy little blogger I know pulled up in a cab (yes, all planned out) and as she waved at me he said, Oh, there are your friends.

Yes. There they are. Thank you.

I couldn’t escape fast enough from this date. I realize now that IJL has no limits to who they will set me up with. “Hello? Velvet? We have a fabulous new match for you. He’s tall dark and handsome. You’ll be meeting him at Arlington Cemetery, walk in and he’s about 7 rows of tombstones back. Yes, he is dead. Oh? That’s not what you are looking for? I’ll be sure to tell our matchmakers.”

At some point after this date, IJL called with a new match. I believe this call came in on a Friday around 3 p.m. I didn’t call them back until Monday and the girl who called me also answered the phone. She got very flustered and said she was on another call and could she call me back. I told her I was stepping into a meeting and if she got my voicemail to just leave me a message. Then she said, “Well, you call me back.” Whatever lady. Tuesday morning I got a message from her saying that since I had not responded to them they would be putting me on hold. I have reached the boiling point my friends.

I called her back and said that I just want to be done with this, and she is not to put me on hold. So she says some bullshit like they all do, then tells me she has a match for me, and his name is Jose. Look. I’m perfectly happy to go out with Jose. I’d probably go out with Bin Ladin just to get through this contract. But, I specifically said in my interview that I was Caucasian and only seeking other Caucasians as my end goal is to get married. (Uh, whatever on that part. I really just want to give them a hard time.) She says to me, “Well, his parents could have just named him Jose.” Really? Really! And my parents could have named me Velveteen, but they named me Velvet. What the hell does that mean? So I said, “No. I don’t think so.” And she practically hung up on me.

Date 10: Ray Romano; February 2006
“DC101 Can you make it stop?” “Yes I can! It’s the sound of Velvet, screeching through another bad date.”
IJL calls with my “new match.” I delete their bullshit message and call them back. It’s essentially the same guy they describe when they call. He loves to travel and loves to hike, bike, camp, etc. Why bother listening to the description? Liars.

They set me up with Ray Romano. Date night arrives and he is really a nice guy. I have no complaints other than that he’s not my type. BUT, he did ask me how my Volleyball league was going. Um. What? I started laughing. He said he wrote down the entire description they gave him so he could ask questions about it. Now that’s pretty admirable, but it would help if everything they said was true. About 70% was truth; 30% a giant fabrication. Apparently I’m in a volleyball league and I play tennis. There were a few other things, but I snorted out my diet coke when he was telling me and sucked it back through my ears, so I couldn’t hear anymore.

~~~

It is now July. My friends at Its Just Lunch have been suspiciously quiet since our last conversation sometime in February. (Remember when I say conversation I’m really referring to a fight.) When I called, of course someone new picked up the phone. (Lookout sarcasm.) I’m shocked they have any turnover at all!

NewGirl: Thanks for calling Its Just Lunch, this is Cathy.
Velvet: Hi. I am a member and I havent heard from you guys in a long time.
NewGirl: Whats your name?
Velvet: Velvet the Sucker.
NewGirl: Hmm. That doesnt sound familiar.
Velvet: Well, seems you are new there.
NewGirl: Oh yes, were all new. You probably worked with Karla.
Velvet: Yeah, she was a real brain surgeon. Got everything wrong.
NewGirl: Well, they brought a bunch of us in to clean things up.
Velvet: Yeah, I think thats how it works around there.
NewGirl: Can I put you on hold for a minute while I look for your file?
Velvet: Sure.
{About a minute elapses.}
NewGirl: Okay, can I get your information and call you back? I cant seem to locate your file and I dont want to keep you on hold.
Velvet: Sure, my phone number is 202-887-5966.
NewGirl: Great. Ill call you back as soon as I figure out whats going on.

Its Just Lunch called back at a hair before 5 on Friday. They said I was placed on hold, and usually there is a letter in the file indicating that the client received a copy of said letter outlining the hold terms. However, surprise, that letter is nonexistent, and they realize a mistake was made. I again explained that the last crew of employees was a disaster, and she agreed, saying, You have no idea what we are dealing with over here. People are really pissed off. Nope, I’m pretty sure I understand.

Anyway, this time I have faith, not of course in their matchmaking skills, but their general competence to set me up on a day I say I’m available. This girl who called back was a Director as opposed to the Coordinator who answered the phone the other day. Usually each office has two Directors and two Coordinators. The job of the Director is to do everything possible up to and including oral and anal, to get you to part with your money. The Coordinators job is to ruin your life with dates scheduled for the days you say you have open heart surgery, send you to restaurants that dont exist, and send you to meet people who don’t show up.

I’ve given them my schedule and they have two matches for me. No I didn’t write anything down because even in the two guys they described, they both sound the same. Both are the same height, both got their MBA from GMU. Seriously. Are they just reading the same file over and over? And lets face it, according to them, I’m a in a volleyball league, so I would say the intergrity of their information is worthless. Blech. Well, its almost over. And its practice so I don’t screw up with someone real.

Date 11: The Boroughs Baby; July 2006
All right. Sunday, I had Date 11 of the 14 date obligation with, shall we just call them IJL? I mean, that’s what they call themselves. The details of the date, set up by whatever I named that chick – Cathy I think, were fine. She sounded like she knew what she was doing. I met Date11TheBoroughsBaby at Daily Grill at 1:00. Anyone who knows me knows this is prime skin cancer hour and I do not like giving that up for what might be a shitty date. And we know that its not like IJL is going to suddenly discover an arsenal of good looking men who they forgot to set me up with before. But, being that it was my first one back out there, I decided I should behave and not cancel.

I saw him walking up to the restaurant and my first impression wasn’t the greatest, but I shall shine the light on myself for a second. I was wearing a sundress, flip flops, and my bathing suit underneath the dress. I was too lazy to change. Or shower. So I smelled like Eau de White Trash in line for the roller coaster at an Amusement Park – Coppertone SPF 8! (Never go lower than SPF 8 or God Forbid, not wear any sunscreen, okay! Trust me, I’m a pro.)

They seat me first, and as I’m going to the bathroom to wipe the sweat off my face, here he comes, with the other hostess. We said a quick awkward hello and I trotted off to the sink to swim in the cold water for a minute. When I returned to the table, he stood up to greet me. Um. What the fuck. None of these guys have done that. Okay, so he’s a gentleman. Nice. Points for that even though that act of standing up when I come back makes me feel like an idiot.

Not a lot of details to share. He’s from NY, hence the name. We ate. He paid the bill despite my best efforts to throw money at him, and we exchanged information. He was comfortable with himself, and I could go out with him again. Can I see myself ripping off his clothes? Jury still out. And if the jury is still out, um, that could be a sign in itself. Next.

Date 12 Sir Talks A Lot; July 2006
Date 12 was Tuesday evening in Bethesda. I get to the restaurant and I’m late because I stopped at Loehmanns. Stupid Velvet. Remember the layoffs! But at least I didn’t buy anything. (When did clothes become ugly? Hang in there Seven Jeans, I need to squeeze another year out of you) The hostess brings me over to Date 12. Instantly not attracted. Not my type, no negotiation on this. But a really nice guy. Just talks a lot. Way too much in fact. Lets knight him and give him his name: Date 12 Sir Talks A Lot. There.

He grew up in Bethlehem, PA, also the hometown of Velvet’s Dad, and I do know a bit of Bethlehem history. Yet, any time I discuss Bethlehem with people, and describe where my grandparents and dad lived, I get that face. Apparently, its the wrong side of the tracks, literally. I had a boyfriend in college who was from Bethlehem and he said, Oh, NO ONE GOES OVER THERE!! This guy tonight? He said, I don’t know where that is. I’m guessing South Side though from what you described. A lot of immigrants lived and still live up there. Yeah, what do I look like with this fucking FLAG OF GREECE spread across half my back? But I digress.

I learned all I needed to know about Beth Steel. (Note to eyes: If you fucking glaze over again when I need you to feign interest, you are dead to me. I will bring you back for more laser surgery since you loved it so much the last time, remember? You sealed yourself shut for two fucking days and refused to come out! Try me.)

Suddenly in my head, I’m whisked away to New York and I’m having sex with James Gandolfini. I have no idea where this daydream came from, but I was trying to wager what sex with him would be like. Would it be Tony Soprano I’m in control/holding a gun to your head kind of sex, or would it be a big joke of an experience with a semi flaccid penis that barely registers on the scale? Oops. I realize I have now missed several crucial minutes of the Bethlehem Steel story. Damn. I hope he didn’t cover the part about how they closed because my Grandparents had died by then and I never followed the story. According to my date, the Hispanics have taken over my grandparents neighborhood. And now, Papou and Yiyia are rolling over in their graves.

I wanted to tell my favorite story about my dad and growing up in Bethlehem, but his stories kept going. I also learned more than I needed to know about some company called Green Thumb something and ugh, I can’t even get into it. It sounded like a weird job. I was speechless. Of course the one line I’m always dying to use came to mind: Did I tell you about my latest yeast infection?

The bill comes, we pay, we leave. He walks me to my car, talking now about not liking the dressing up for his job. He laments how he hates ties. I say, I wonder what the purpose of ties really is. He says, I know the whole history of the tie. Sometimes, I will never learn. Seriously. Stupid mouth. Youre next after the eyes for some surgery, and I’ll have you lasered shut if possible too.

Verdict? Obviously there was no way I wanted to rip his clothes off. In fact, I wanted him to put more clothes on. Please, more ties. Several of them. Really, the look great on you. Nice as you are, I just cant imagine you with nothing on.

The Sad End:
Somehow, despite the fact that they owe me two more dates, they have kicked me out with a notice that simply says: “Your membership has expired.” Would I do it again? That answer is a resounding FUCK NO.

I’m Giving Up On Love, Cause Love’s Given Up On Me

I got an email from NJ on Monday afternoon. He said he didn’t mean to hang up on me but he was at the movies and that he’d call me. When said call didn’t arrive, I enlisted help from the girls, and this came back as a potential response that I ended up sending. My hands shook, my whole body got cold and I couldn’t even fathom sending this. But I did.

  • You’ve been incommunicado for a week now. Clearly we’re not on the same page here, and while I have strong feelings for you I have to look out for myself. I think it’s best if we don’t see each other anymore.

Then I got this:

  • I didn’t know if I should send the long response or the short one. Neither one of us has ever said anything about the relationship. But your email makes it clear how you feel. I’m not going to try to change your mind. I truly wish you all the happiness in the world.

The finality of all this hit me like a ton of bricks. My mind was racing with what I’ve done. So what do I do then? I fucking called him and left a voicemail (of course) saying that I don’t want to do this on email and can he call me. I must be losing my mind. I’ve become one of the crazy people I’m used to dating. I’m sure I won’t be hearing back from him.

I’m an idiot. I have no idea how to operate when I really like someone. Anyway, this time I really have to step aside and sort it out. I didn’t expect to be this devastated. I didn’t realize how strong I felt for him. How did this happen in just barely 2 months? Forgive me if I don’t post for a bit. It’s hard to see through the tears.

They Say That All Good Things Must End

Dear NewJersey,

When I shake the proverbial Magic 8 Ball, it says “Outlook not so good.”

Thursday evening I sent you a simple text message saying “I was thinking about you today.” Here we are at Sunday and guess what? Nothing. No response. It’s as annoying as stepping in my own dog’s shit as I’m trying to pick it up, that’s for sure.

So tonight, Sunday, I called you. Your phone rang five times, then you picked up, I heard you rustling for a bit, and say to someone else, “Let me turn the ringer down on this” and then you hung up. I called you back, because you didn’t realize that you stupidly picked up the phone BEFORE I was sent to voicemail. The second time you picked up and hung up. Nice. I called again because what the fuck, why can’t you just send me to god damned voicemail so I can leave a message? This time, finally, voicemail picked up after three rings. Did you get my message? Oh, well, let me reiterate it for you.

“Hi, it’s Velvet. Ok, you’re not returning text messages, now I get hung up on. Can you call me and tell me what’s going on? I’d appreciate it. Talk to you soon.”

I thought we were way beyond this. You seemed to be stepping up the pace to the next level. I guess I was wrong. You are 35 years old. Have the fucking balls to get on the phone and tell me what’s up. Tell me if you don’t want to see me again. Tell me if you have a girlfriend, or good lord, a wife. Just say it. Have the fucking balls and say it.

I thought you were different. I thought you were one of the ones who could blow me away. But I was dead wrong. You have proven yourself to become just like every other guy. And psst…I threw those fucking roses in the trash even though they were alive and thriving.

Pissed off,
Velvet

P.S. No “I told you so” necessary.

Straight Up Now Tell Me

Well, so much for calling time of death on CL#2BlueEyes. He picked his head up off the gurney to spit out one last email. It was six paragraphs. Here are the highlights.

  • Dear Velvet: I know I said I wouldn’t lobby you, and I’m not trying to, honestly. I did want to clear the air just a bit more and let you know fully what I was thinking in the recent past.
    I went back and reread all the emails and IM messages we had exchanged just to be sure I am not becoming a psycho-dater after almost a decade of being out of the game while married. I also checked the text messages we had sent each other. After doing these things I really can’t help but feel misunderstood by you, and a little bit frustrated that you felt I was ‘obviously too intense a personality’.
    I realize we had a very unconventional “start”, with missed phone calls, email tag, and months between reestablishing contact. I was genuinely pleased to meet you in person finally at lunch. And that is what sort of tipped the balance the day we couldn’t get together (again). I was having an awful day at work, and there was one giant unusual thing that happened, but it was still wrong of me to write you that wacky email venting everything all at once.
    And that’s what I wanted to let you know. Sorry to go on so damn long, but it is what it is. Really do appreciate the courtesy of you replying to me with your final message instead of just going silent as some others have done–that always sucks when you don’t know what it is you’ve done.

I would like to say that I wrote back. But I didn’t. I enlisted help because I didn’t know what to do. Someone else gave me this in response BlueEyes. I know. Bad Velvet. But it’s what I wanted to say anyway but was too flustered to come up with on my own.

  • I feel flattered that you are still thinking about me, that you want to make things right, and I agree with some of what you say. We had a rocky start with missed calls, email tag and disconnections, but the email and instant messages were great. I enjoyed meeting you, enjoyed our lunch date, which was a huge step after all the disconnections, but not great enough to make up for what I perceived as an attack on me. I know you were venting and you have apologized, but I just don’t feel the connection. Thanks for such a great online relationship.

He wrote back and thanked me for letting him get it off his chest. If actually penned the response, it would have included something like “off the dating scene for 10 years? You only said you were married for 3 years. What the fuck?” But I didn’t. Jamy told me that engaging him in any way is wrong because it invites more conversation.

Official time of death on BlueEyes: Feb 16, 2006; 3:06 p.m.

Other news.

Wednesday night after I left work, I had my 10th It’s Just Lunch date in Rockville. I’ve lost my spirit with those buffoons, but, I’m almost done. It’s like a race to me. Even though I am going to lose, I still want to run to the finish line. (I stole that analogy from Always Write who says that watching my blog is like a day at the races. Loves it!) So I have now 4 dates to go and my membership expires in May. Four more dates. It can’t be that hard.

Date #10 looks like Ray Romano. He is a really really nice. He was 42, and he said some funny stuff. When they called him to tell him about me, he said, “Are you SURE she knows how old I am?” He thought he was too old for me. HA! Since I’m superdater, I’ve depleted the available inventory. I have to be flexible about things like age, weight and STD status. Ok, kidding. But still, 42 isn’t bad. I’m 32 after all. Ten years. No biggie.

During our “drink” date, he busts out with the following

Ray Romano: So, how’s your volleyball league?
Velvet: Um. What?
Ray Romano: They told me you are in a volleyball league.
Velvet: Excuse the drink that just came out of my nostrils please. Where the hell did they get that?
Ray Romano: That’s what they told me. They also said you play tennis.
Velvet: Hilarious. I often wondered how they describe me to the matches they set me up with.
Ray Romano: Well, I wrote it all down. I can refer to my notes when I go home, but I swear that’s what they said.
Velvet: Notes? I guess they had to make some stuff up, because they gave me a three page list of hobbies and none really applied to me.

Then I’m thinking, if that stupid list they provide had things like, go to the gym, glue myself to the Food Network, read blogs, write a blog, watch porn, well then, perhaps I could have just checked something off. But noooooo they had to come up with all sorts of fancy hobbies that I know nothing about. I hate them more and more. Anyone who walks by their office at 17th & K, please poke your head in and say “Thanks for wasting Velvet’s money.”

But I liked the guy – not for me obviously because I’m very busy with NJ, but, I should set someone up with him. He’s Jewish. Come on! He’ll make someone’s mother very proud.

My Heart’s In Overdrive and You’re Behind the Steering Wheel

I was driving home last night after a day at work where I desperately tried to keep my eyes open. I was thinking about how much I wanted to crawl into bed in my sweats, tell the South Beach diet to fuck off since I complied perfectly and didn’t lose any weight the 2nd week, and shovel some non-South Beach food in my mouth while watching trash t.v. Then I saw my little computer, nestled in its place on my desk. I had been in a hilarious email convo with some cool chicks, and I was wondering if there were more exchanges while I was driving from work back to civilization from the hinterlands. So I sat down at the ‘puter.

The first and only thing I can focus on is an email in my inbox from NewJersey. There was more to it than this, but you know I can’t copy and paste the emails anymore. The gist of it was, “It’s Valentine’s Day Velvet and we should be doing something.” Emails went back and forth. A phone call came. Plans were made. I would pick up dinner and he would come from work to my house. And that my friends was our plan. I would like to tell you that he followed through and that was that and sign off, happy that my details remained private for another post.

BUT I CAN’T! Because there’s more that’s worth discussing!!!

When he got to my place, I opened the door and found him with a bottle of wine and flowers that he jokingly called Pansies, but they were yellow roses. I adore this man! We ate. We watched t.v. We slept. We fulfilled the (bleeped out) promises of aforementioned IM conversations. We woke up. We went our separate ways to work.

I stopped at the grocery store to stock up on beverages for the office. I called my boss to see if there were any special requests. When I arrived at the office, he helped me unload. Then, all I did, and I swear, is grab something off the printer for myself and saw he printed something so I brought that to him as well. And he said, “You’re being especially nice today, someone must have had a good Valentine’s Day.”

Someone did. At least two someone’s that I know of.

It’s a Perfect Passion and I Can’t Get Enough

First, a PSA. A blog friend needs a roommate. Details here.

Now, loose ends.

CL#3TextTormenter won’t stop. In the score of Velvet vs. TextTormenter, it’s Zero to Five. He’s made 2 unreturned phone calls to me and sent 3 texts, also unreturned by moi. Saturday night I decided to put this poor bastard out of his misery. He texted: “What are you up to tonight?” Before I knew of NewJersey’s delayed plane I said, “Waiting on a friend.” (It’s my favorite Stones song.) He said, “Cool.” I didn’t write back. I know, I messed up. He’s not gone. But he’s definitely doing some circular floating near the bottom of the drain.
______________________________________________
CL#2BlueEyes and I had a date scheduled for Friday. I canceled it because I was seriously tired from Dallas. And on Friday I was busy emailing NewJersey anyway so my dirty little mind was elsewhere. CL#2BlueEyes sends back a RANT about, well, let me just post it. The disclaimer on this is that he’s canceled dates as well. We’re like, 2 for 2 on date canceling with each other. Ok, the email:

  • No problem. I mean, what’s it been, only like a few months of flirtation? And besides, maybe you weren’t that impressed at lunch. And tomorrow it is supposed to snow so we can count out the weekend, which will put us into next week when I have work and plans and you have plans and work and Valentine’s Day hits and then maybe we can talk some more on the phone and on email and don’t forget IM and discuss our dating lives and porn and get hot and bothered and not actually ever do anything about it. But don’t worry ’cause I can be free again in March or April or even May if that’s cool with you.

Uh….huh. So I hopped on IM and said, “WTF?” and he said he was just having a bad day. He said he needed to check out of town for a while or something similarly off the wall. We left it at that.

Sunday night he sent me this email:

  • Hey just a line to apologize for my truly unusual (and I know you really have no frame of reference for this with me yet, so I’m doubly sorry) behavior on Friday. I was honestly partially disappointed at not getting to see you because I have enjoyed it so far but there was some other major shit going down that I just don’t want to get into. Nothing mysterious but it was really frustrating. Here’s hoping I haven’t become one of your great bad date stories already…

I know I know. If he only knew….So, I wrote back the following on Monday afternoon:

  • Hi BlueEyes, I saw this email last night and I thought about responding, but I wasn’t sure what to say. So I decided to sleep on it.Unfortunately, I woke up this morning really no better off. I have no answer, no reasoning, no excuses other than to say that I’m not feeling this. It’s probably a combination of a few things, but the biggest being the email you sent. I understand you meant no harm by it, but it just shows me that you are more intense a personality than I can handle. Sorry. Velvet.

And I got this back.

  • Thanks for writing me back to explain where you are. I’m just not the kind of guy who is going to lobby you or anything but at the same time I know you’re simply not reading the situation correctly to judge me by one email, even a fairly nutty one sent right after we just met in person. Still, that of course is your prerogative.

Velvet’s calling it: Time of Death: 1:56 p.m. on 2/13/06. _____________________________________________
NewJersey is BAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! (I feel like I’m standing at the window jumping up and down when I say that.) He called Sunday evening to announce his arrival, and said he could be convinced, tired as he was, to come over. But, then he asked me to do something this week and I said yes and there you go. When the idea came back up a second time of seeing each other tonight, I said “I really could have convinced you to come over here?” He said yes I could. I left it that it was his choice. He was silent on his end of the phone, then he started laughing under his breath. I said, “What are you thinking?” He said, “Bad things. We’re better off doing something this week.” We wrapped it up and he said, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I feel like we’re moving along. Finally. It…was…so…slow…and…painful…to…get…here. But the train is pulling off from the station and I’m on it. I hope NewJersey is as well.

I’ve got a little problem too. Eventually the blog world and the NewJersey world are going to collide. I don’t know what to do about it. It’s time to start getting my ducks in a row though, and that may mean sparing some details here, in the name of privacy. I’m not foolish enough to forsake a good relationship for a blog, but I’m not sure where the happy medium is. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Ain’t Nothin’ ‘Bout You That Don’t Do Something For Me

The aforementioned email volley with New Jersey has been ON since Thursday. I’m going to paraphrase it all because, well, I really like this one and details aren’t fucking funny when you like someone. I have to operate from the standpoint of: “What if one day this guy becomes important enough that I have to reveal the existence of this blog…and he reads it.” With the other schmucks, I couldn’t give a shit. But, with CL#4NewJersey…sigh. And while we’re on this topic, can we shorten his name? Can I just call him NewJersey or NJ when abbreviations are in order? Ok. Thanks. Kisses to all!

Ok. Edit mode. Significantly shortened. Don’t try to read any emotion into any of this.

NJ’s first email: Having fun skiing. Ready to get back. Very tired. Can’t believe I left a CD at your house. Ok, you got me, it was my trick to see you again. Subtle, huh?
Velvet: Glad to hear you’re having fun. It’s cold here. Weather talk is boring when I really just want to hear how your ass is doing. More than happy to return said CD, but you’ll have to work for it.
NJ: Back late Saturday. What do you want with my ass? Oral sex for CD trade?
Velvet: An early a.m. dirty email. Love it. Sounds like a fair trade. Come to my house directly from airport please. I’ll be sans undies.
NJ: I’ll be there.
Velvet: Forgot to mention a recent trip to the waxer…
NJ: Well, of course the only way for me to know if the waxer did a good job is to (bleeeeeep.) {Sorry. This had to be edited out.}
Velvet: You’re killing me. Don’t even go to bag claim. Come directly here.
NJ: Brazilian?
Velvet: Yes
NJ: Hmm. I might have to lick you all over.
Velvet: It’s very difficult to work under these conditions, panties in a twist and all. Snow on it’s way, hope you make it home. Suspecting all this x-rated talk is one of your friends now, because it’s so out of character for you.
NJ: Don’t be too sure about that.
Velvet: Why are you emailing me all day when it’s your last day of vacation?
NJ: Sick of it. Smashed my head yesterday.
Velvet: Hmm. Head injury..dirty talk. Is this related?
NJ: I’ll be ok with a strict regimen of kissing, cuddling and other stuff…
Velvet: More than happy to rehab you. Come see me immediately. I’ll prolong treatment as long as necessary.

A day passes.

NJ: Snowed in. Made it as far as Houston. I’ll call you when I’m home tomorrow.

I’m bubbling over with excitement. I went to the gym to get my mind out of the gutter, and I saw the dude I used to date. He didn’t see me. And, no butterflies. No nervous energy. I walked right by him and proceeded to begin my workout.

It took a year. It took another man. It was brutal, and the longest recovery of any relationship I’ve ever had. But, I wouldn’t trade the still unknown of what I have going on with NewJersey for another chance with someone wishy washy.
Fucking finally.

There’s a Magic Running Through Your Soul

I’m back from Dallas. It was a quick trip. I was really only in the city of Dallas for exactly 24 hours. I left Wednesday at the crack of dawn, sans crack which would have been helpful in keeping me awake. I returned this evening. I actually sat next to a good looking guy on the plane, but I was too tired to have my game.

The meeting was a success, not because of anything that occured in the actual meeting, but because I drunkenly convinced my potentially drunk boss to create a blog. Not only did he take ownership of the http://www.namethestain.blogspot.com/, (where you can see evidence of our foolish drunkenness) but he also bought the domain name. I’m sure that will be one of those “I’ll regret it in the morning” decisions, but I hope he posts. The stories he tells are freaking hilarious. Imagine my snotty sarcastic sense of humor on red bull, crack with an extra dose of witty and that would be him.

So here we are. My parents called to ensure I was alive and didn’t murder anyone on my trip. CL#2BlueEyes must have been dialing at the same time and the crazy Greeks got through first so CL#2 went STRAIGHT TO VOICEMAIL. And his message was like, “Well, this is a good sign.” I’m not sure what that means – I guess he was either kidding or he was speculating that I was on the plane. I’m beat. I’ll deal with that tomorrow. The way I feel now (physically and emotionally) I don’t want to do anything tomorrow night. Date effectively canceled.

CL#3TextTormenter ain’t going away folks. There was another voicemail from him last night. Whatevs. At this point I could probably just call him and we could morph into friends. It’s obvious we’re not a match. Shit. I have something more important to say.

The piece de la resistance of this quickie post is that I got an email from CL#4NewJersey from his skiing vacation. So exciting. I’m all giddy and shit. Who am I? I don’t get giddy.

Well, there you have it. There should never be speculation on how you feel about someone. When it comes to matters of chemistry, you don’t even have to think about it. It’s strong enough to tell you directly.

Want You Smothered Want You Covered Like My Waffle House Hashbrowns

Leave it to me to be dateless on a Friday, but busy with men on a Tuesday.

After a couple more misses with CL#2BlueEyes, we finally met today for lunch. The misses were that he was supposed to call me on Sunday after he got back from his weekend trip. And he didn’t. He emailed Monday morning and said something like “Sorry about last night, I was beat and….” whatever. Does it matter? I wrote back and said simply:

Strike One.

He thought it was funny. We engaged in some banter and he promised to call me Monday night. But the phone didn’t ring until 11:09 people. This is not the Velvet of 5 months ago where working from home and sleeping until 9:00, okay, 10:00 a.m. is the norm. Six a.m. workouts dude. I’m sleeping at 11 p.m. Well, I wasn’t sleeping per se, but I was too tired and irritated to answer the phone.

I sent an IM Tuesday morning that said I was asleep etc. He made fun of me for a minute, then we made lunch plans since I was in D.C. for a bunch of meetings that got shuffled around. Well, at least I didn’t have to commute to the hinterlands of Gaithersburg.

So we met at 12:15 in Dupont. It was a good lunch. He’s a good guy. (He paid.) But. Damn it. My head is elsewhere. Fucking New Jersey. I’m sitting there thinking, “How dare NJ be skiing and take away my ability to concentrate and / or like BlueEyes.” Anyway, the important piece of lunch conversation.

Him: Ok, so you’re in Dallas tomorrow and Thursday, back on Friday, what are we doing this weekend?
Velvet: I’m back Friday. Not sure how I’ll feel. You’re not even waiting to get back to your email to write to me and ask me out? Well, this certainly eliminates the ‘Will he call’ conundrum.
Him: Well, we may as well set it up right now, right?

So we agreed on Friday. My final answer Regis, is that I’m on the fence. I don’t have a feeling like I did with CL#4NewJersey. But, I don’t have that “Get this psycho off my ass” feeling that I have had with countless other men.

We said goodbye, and I got in my speedracer and headed downtown to my meeting. And this, ladies and gents, should be the end of this post.

Did you catch the words “should be?”

I met with a business contact I have known since the summer. Shortly after we plopped down into a conference room, he said another contact of his was going to join us. In walks the “other contact.”

Why Hello Other Contact. What’s that I hear? DING DING DING DING DING.

The guy was older than me by say, 10-15 years. He looks mid to late 40’s. And he shakes my hand and both of us have stupid grin on our face. He is fidgeting around as he’s taking his seat, and he has his head down, and he’s still smiling. It’s like, someone told him the dirtiest joke before he walked in the room.

So the meeting proceeds for about an hour. And there is unrelenting, incessant, extreme and reckless flirting going on in both directions. Usually I don’t see good flirting as it’s occuring. But, I actually thought during the meeting: Jamy would be laughing her ass off, saying this is so way beyond flirting.

We’re tossing ideas around and Velvet is ON. I mean, ON. The charm was there, my negotiator skills were better than they’ve ever been. They expressed one concern about one of our processes and I said, “Well, I report directly to a Vice President of an entire region, I’m confident I can bypass some of the red tape for you. Our affirmation of a project’s value can be enough for corporate approval. Other backup material can take a backseat if our office puts their word on it.” Who the hell am I? I should just become a guy, because with as smooth as I was today, I could get in any woman’s pants. My boss would have been proud. He’s taught me well that everything in life is negotiation.

So the other guy who I’ve met before is making small talk between some of the deals we are reviewing. He says “Hey, you both live in Dupont Circle, and you’re right near each other.” I continue with the conversation, but then it goes awry because the little squirrel in my head says, “Gay gay gay gay gay.” So, now, I need a third party confirmation on that.

As we said goodbye, hot guy who needs a nickname said, “Should I fed ex any of this stuff to you?” Velvet thinks, “Hmm…how about just yourself.”

Damn. This shit never happens to me. I meet the ugliest people in my line of work. I might have to start walking my dogs by his house.

I want to do very very very bad things to this man.

Forget You High Society, I’m Soaking It In Kerosene

I was squeezing in a quick walk with the dogs before running out. I saw the one who makes the heart skip a beat.

I walked outside my building and saw him across the street. He saw me. He actually probably saw me before I saw him because by the time I caught his eye, he was looking away. It seems he was slinking by my building hoping I wouldn’t come out. And there I was. You can’t fuck with fate little fucker.

I was stunned. He was only across the street from me. But then, I focused my eyes on the girl he was with. It all happened so fast. Eyes. Girl. Trainwreck.

From the back she looked like a cheap prostitute. She was wearing acid washed skintight jeans that are trying to make their way back into style. (May that never happen.) This was a girl who should not have left the house in this outfit sans a check at the rear view. First, my disclaimer: I’m having my own issues with having gained an extra 15 lbs, so understand I mean no disrespect. She was exceptionally big in the middle. She had very skinny calves, which also threw the whole system out of check. Again, we all have our body issues, but we don’t find it necessary to pour ourselves into jeans tight enough to spot camel toe. I sure as hell don’t. But wait, there’s more.

From the back, I could see she had bangs, a la 1982. Spiky and hairsprayed up and sort of feathered. You know if I can tell you have bangs from behind, there’s a problem. You know how they say Astronauts can see the bright lights of Vegas from space? Well, add this chicks bangs to that list. She was wearing black suede boots that have NEVER been in style, over the jeans which made the whole outfit look weirder. Forget being stunned at seeing him, I was more stunned to see that his girlfriend basically has zero in the way of class and fashion sense. But wait, there’s more.

When he realized I was across the street, he hid behind her. (Uh, it wasn’t hard…the hair…the puffy coat.) He got incredibly uncomfortable and tried to cross the street against the light. He started fidgeting and making moves to continue walking, despite the stream of cars. As the light turned, and they crossed, I saw her put her arm around him. The whole scene looked awkward. My usual thought would be that he was trying to get away from having to deal with me. But, based on the disaster that was his girlfriend, that seemed the more likely scenario.

I always thought deep down inside that the reason we weren’t together was that I wasn’t classy enough for him. He seemed to like the finer things in life. After spending an on and off 8 months with him, watching him toss money at the most expensive stores and restaurants, be so particular about what he wore, dressing up all the time, I fell into that trap too. While I had long ago kissed shopping at the Limited goodbye, I paid a lot more attention to what I wore. I stopped going out of the house looking like a trainwreck. Apparently none of that mattered, as evidenced by the above. And apparently I became a woman far beyond what he wants.

I now have a totally different perspective. On all of it. I wish you all could have seen me with my jaw on the sidewalk as I witnessed this scene. Ladies and gentlemen, I think this saga is over. It was 8 months of dating followed by 12 months of pining away for him, bumping into him, almost running him over in my car, dreaming about him. It seems, my friends, that I created someone in my mind who may not even exist.

I’m really learning lessons left and right over here. Left and right. By the way dude, make sure you look left and right before you try to jump out in traffic to get away from me.

When I Find You I’ll Be Wild And Knocking Down Your Door

Ok. I canceled on CL#2BlueEyes for Friday. I was beat and not in the mood to go out and be my charming self. We had an hour and a half of IM’ing though. Here are the best parts.

Scenario 1: We have something crazy in common:
Velvet: I am JAMMING over here to CMT radio. It’s sort of embarrassing, but, I like it.
CL#2BlueEyes: Is that online?
Velvet: Yep.
CL#2: LINK! NOW!!!
(Velvet sends link.)
CL#2: Thanks man!
Velvet: My god…you listen to country music too?
CL#2: Yes, I am the perfect man.

Scenario 2: It took an hour, but we moved the chat to sex:
Velvet: You sure talk a good game. Maybe one day I’ll find out.
CL#2: Maybe. I have no doubt you’re good.
Velvet: Nice!
CL#2: Or at least could be with me…
Velvet: You’re making me blush and smile over here.

Scenario 3: Uh oh. From Sex to Porn:
Velvet: Good to know your priorities are in order.
CL#2: Yup. Beer, Food, Porn.
Velvet: I like that list. Don’t test me on the porn thing though. I’ve been kicked out of Excalibur Film’s website for “viewing too many trailers.”
CL#2: You are shitting me.
Velvet: Nope
CL#2: Ok. We’re getting married.
Velvet: Yes. I have a vast collection.
CL#2: When can we have the wedding?
Velvet: Damn, you’re this excited over this crap, I should tell you the better story.
CL#2: I’m waiting!
Velvet: I got kicked out of a strip bar in Baltimore when Brianna Banks was stripping there because I was taking pictures.
CL#2: SHUT UP
Velvet: I’m serious. I have the pics on my computer at home, I’ll send them to you.
CL#2: You better! I’m her biggest fan. Besides you of course.
Velvet: You’re killing me.
CL#2: I’m on the floor – dead now.
Velvet: Anyone who knows me knows I love me some Brianna.
CL#2: Ok, here’s where we separate a casual fan from the pros: what was her original porn name?
Velvet: Mirage
CL#2: GODDAMN!!!
Velvet: You’re playing a game you can’t win.
CL#2: I think I already have won!

He might have. We’ll see.

We talked for a couple hours on Friday night. We’re now making plans for Sunday night, when he gets back from his weekend trip to New Jersey of all places.

CL#2BlueEyes, in addition to worshipping the same Porn Princess as I, has a southern accent and the bright blue eyes. We’re in sync. Our conversation was amazing today. He actually said to me, without any prompting on my part, “Don’t you hate when you meet someone and they just disappear for no reason. I hate that. They should just tell you they don’t like you or whatever the reason so you don’t wonder forever.” My god….a man after my own heart – on many counts. I can’t believe that I have two potentially decent men on the line and may find myself in the position of having to make a decision. All I have to say to that is “Uh Oh.”

This is going to be fun, but I don’t think it’s going to have a great ending.

When You Got Nothing, You Got Nothing To Lose

Dear CL#4New Jersey:

Even though you don’t know about this blog, a good majority of the blogging world knows about you. They have lost faith in you. I know that these readers only want the best for me and that’s why they have told me to move on. But there’s something special about you. I’m glad I started things back up with a text.

Those following our saga don’t know I’m about to present all new information. On Wednesday afternoon you sent me an email. I was very impressed that you followed up on your text from Monday. You acknowledged that we had not spoken in a while and you meant nothing personal by it. You enjoy spending time with me, and while you are going to be out of town for a week, leaving on Saturday, you want to get together. You just aren’t sure when. You turned it back on me, asking what my excuse was. Well, I did send you a text, didn’t I? I’m glad I started things back up with a text.

I sat with your email in hand for a few minutes and ended up consulting some friends. Everything I got back was negative. It was more of “He’s just not that into you.” Fine. I stewed for the entire evening on Wednesday. Then I talked to Penny and she said, “You like him. And I know how rarely you like someone, so don’t let it get away. So what if you look like an asshole, you have to find out. Just call him.” I’m glad I started things back up with a text.

I meant to call on Wednesday, I did. But I couldn’t make myself pick up the phone. I went to bed and did the hour of power reading before lights out. Velvet’s been working out at 6 a.m. these days so I need to go to bed earlier now. I’m glad I started things back up with a text.

Then you sent me a text at 11 p.m. It said, “Hi Sweetcakes.” I’m glad I started things back up with a text.

You win. I told you you win. I can’t play the games anymore. I called you. You didn’t answer, and I second guessed myself. But still, I sent you a text and said to call me. You called. Do you remember our conversation?

Velvet: Well well well
You: I know, I know. Did you get my email?
Velvet: Yes. I wasn’t sure how to respond. Where are you?
You: I’m at my stupid company Christmas party.
Velvet: What? It’s February!
You: I know. They suck. So, why didn’t you answer the email?
Velvet: Are you drunk? I didn’t know what to say yet on the email.
You: I am a little drunk. Why didn’t you know what to say?
Velvet: I don’t know.
You: We haven’t had that relationship-ey talk. You know in the times we’ve been out we haven’t talked about that.
Velvet: I know, which is why I shouldn’t really give you a hard time about us not talking for some time.
You: Well, I think we should talk about it. That’s why I wrote you a serious email today.
Velvet: That was serious?
You: Maybe we have different definitions of serious, but I do want to talk about this with you.
Velvet: Me too.
You: I should just drive over there now.
Velvet: You’ll crash your car.
You: Fuck the car. I’ll take a cab.
Velvet: Do it.
You: Really?
Velvet: Yes. Do it.
You: Ok. I’m coming over there. I’m going to kiss you for a couple minutes first. Then we are going to talk about this.

I’m glad I started things back up with a text.

Your party was in Northern Virginia. Twenty minutes later you were at my front door. I buzzed you in. Damn you look good in a suit. You said, “Let me play with the dogs for a minute.” You got down on all fours and threw toys for Thora and pet Sammy while Thora showed us what a good retriever she is. Then Sammy came and sat in the chair with me and you got in Thora’s face and said, “You are wondering what this guy is doing here with mommy, aren’t you? Mommy’s probably wondering too…’what’s his deal’ and all. Can you tell her I have no bad intentions? Thanks Thora.” I’m glad I started things back up with a text.

Then you got up and sat next to me on the ottoman. You wanted to talk but you also wanted to wait until you weren’t so…drunk. I said, laughing my ass off, “No, I think now is the PERFECT time to do this.” You took my hand into yours, put your other hand on my thigh and the following occurred.

You: It goes both ways Velvet. I’m not excusing my part, but you can call me too. You shouldn’t think that I wouldn’t want to hear from you.
Velvet: I’m not very good at that. It was a stretch for me to send you that text Monday.
You: Well, see, that makes it hard for me to really know where you’re coming from.
Velvet: I agree, I should call. And even I don’t know where I’m coming from.
You: Well we haven’t talked about any of that relationship stuff.
Velvet: Yes I know.
You had a pensive look on your face.
Velvet: What’s the matter?
You: Nothing. I was just thinking some things.
Velvet: Say it.
You: No. Not now. But I like you.
Velvet (laughing): I like you too. If I didn’t like you, you wouldn’t have made it past the first date. I don’t mean to put pressure on you, but you make it hard to like you when you disappear.

I’m glad I started things back up with a text.

I didn’t push you to tell me. There was no sense. Granted you were on the potent truth serum of alcohol, but it would be as tacky of me to take advantage of that as it would if the situation was reversed and you tried to, oh, get in my pants. I’m glad I started things back up with a text.

We went to bed. We kissed a little and fell asleep. This morning, neither of us had to be anywhere very early, so we layed in bed cuddling. I’m not much of a cuddler but you do bring that out in me. You said, “This is sooooo nice.” Yep. It was. I’m glad I started things back up with a text.

When I was getting dressed so I could walk the dogs and walk you out, you walked into the hall and watched me. You said, “I like watching you put your clothes on.” I’m glad I started things back up with a text.

When you left this morning, it wasn’t an awkward goodbye. It felt good. I’m glad I started things back up with a text.

When you got to work, you sent me an email. We’ve been back and forth a couple times today. Finally. I’m glad I started things back up with a text.

I don’t know what is going to happen or where it will go, but I’m still in it. I thought I was sick of it, I thought I was losing interest but I’m not. I like you too much to not follow this through. If it means I have to do a little chasing too, well, it is 2006 and I think I can muster that up. I think you realized I was about out of energy and you seem to be trying harder to stay in touch. I’m glad I started things back up with a text.

I was supposed to have a date Thursday night with CL#2BlueEyes. But he canceled. Fate is an all-knowing thing I think. We’ve rescheduled for Friday night, but who knows if it will happen. We’ve been trying unsuccessfully to meet up for two months. I’m still glad I started things back up with a text.

I know that many of the readers still won’t be on your side. But I’m on your side. I’m rooting for you. I think this could be something really good. And I hope that everyone will realize that “rules” of how to be chased and “He’s just not that into you” don’t apply to all situations. Hopefully no one rips me a new asshole for setting the women’s movement back a few decades.

But you know what?

No matter what anyone says, I’m so fucking glad I started things back up with a text.

Kisses,
Velvet

Was It Something I Said or Something I Did? Did My Words Not Come Out Right?

I had to do something to make myself feel better. I had to. Had had had. So I did something normally reserved for leaner times: I went fishing out of the recycling bin.

Actually, that’s not entirely true. In my Craigslist forays, I’ve met a total of five men. But there was one who escaped me – CL#2BlueEyes. We had incredible email banter (he loves bad date stories too) and some phone messages that never quite got returned – on both parts. Forgetting the score, and not really caring, I shot him an email Monday afternoon. I tested out my line that I wanted to use on CL#4NewJersey. Hope they’re not friends. Anyway, here’s what it said.

Velvet: OMG! What happened to you? Did you die? Should I come to your funeral? I still have Willie Nelson on my phone, you know, if you want to hear it again.
(In previous emails, he made a lot of fun of my ringback songs, Willie being one of them.)

Reply arrives in 1 minute.
CL#2BlueEyes: Arrangements have been made through Pete’s Mortuary. Floral arrangements can be sent to Nashville. This is pretty funny, I was thinking about trying to reconnect with you this weekend!

Well. Well. Well. I could actually complete my collection. First Five Fellows From Fraigslist. Shut up, it sounds dumb if the last word doesn’t start with an “F.” Did I mention this one is hot?

We continued to email, moved to IM and had a great conversation, essentially picking up where we left off six weeks ago. I thought about thanking him for ditching me and leaving me with the others in his CL Graduating Class. Who can forget the likes of CL#1Writer (a.k.a. the octopus) and CL#3TextTormenter (who still calls me) but I figure I can still pretend to be a CL Virgin. He asked what my week looked like, I told him, and he said, “Thursday, 7:30, meet me at X restaurant in Clarendon.” I love a man with a plan. And, Fabu! I’ve recovered. And it sure as shit put a smile on my face. I guess half the disappointment of losing a man in your life is the idea of getting out there again and starting all over. But lucky for me, one was lounging in the recycling bin and had not been taken from the curb.

In other news, I decided to do what I have been pondering. I chose the middle ground and sent CL#4NewJersey a text message. Yeah yeah yeah, I know. I hate them and bitch about them. But I didn’t want to send an email, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to call so I could stutter over my words. The text simply said: “It is very sad to hear of your death. But, did I miss the funeral?” Peeps please. Don’t lecture me. I made the right decision for me. It’s snarky, and to me, it gets my point across. It says: “I’ve noticed your untimely disappearance from my life and really just wanted you to know that I know.” It doesn’t cry for a call back, it doesn’t sound needy.

Anyway, a late night text message volley ensued.
CL#4NJ: I just emerged from a coma.

I wanted to sleep on it and figure out what sort of response I would toss back, but he sent another text.

CL#4NJ: You know…my phone accepts incoming calls.

Never one to follow directions, I wrote back instead of calling. I know…I should have called.

Velvet: You are one of the most impossible men I have ever gone out with.
CL#4NJ: I’mpossibly handsome?
Velvet: I don’t know. I forgot what you look like.
CL#4NJ: Go to bed. We’ll talk.

What?

Um. Huh?

Look. Whatever. I did what I wanted to. So far I have a non-answer, but so what. I know I’m going to get a rash of shit from half of you. But I did the right thing for me. I was stewing all weekend and there was no way I wasn’t going to send some sort of message.

Also, please try to understand something. While I truly enjoy dating, getting shit on by dates, and utilizing other bloggers to torture assholes who prove themselves as such before I find myself out on a date with them, I don’t want to do this forever. I don’t want to wake up at 60 with no family and nothing to look back on because I was a bitter hag while I was dating. I’m trying to bend. I’m trying to release some of my control issues, and as such, I had to say to myself, “What if he’s sitting at home wondering if I even like him?”

I get it. The book the book the book. Fuck that book. What has that book done for me lately? In case anyone was keeping score, I’m still single. The book says if he doesn’t chase me, he’s not interested – I know. But life isn’t black and white. I have had a handful of great relationships and they all needed nurturing and cultivating. Besides, I like this guy. It’s not like the 800 others who I couldn’t stand, ran home from or felt lukewarm about. I’m not getting any younger, and this tough chick attitude isn’t fucking working anymore. So it’s a late New Years resolution-amendment but I’m going to bend and be more flexible with men. And we’ll see where it gets me. By June, I might be eating my words. And for all I know, when he and I “talk” he’ll tell me he’s gay, or the ubiquitous ex-girlfriend popped back in his life.

At least I can say I tried.

I Know I Could Have Loved You But You Would Not Let Me

Ugh. I am feeling not myself today. Actually, I haven’t been myself in almost a week. Last week I promised myself and you all that I would be raring to go on Monday, and Monday is here. Sigh, I’m oh so not in the mood to rejoin the regularly scheduled programming.

I had to decompress and try to figure out the source of my hellaciously bad mood. And here it comes: The list.

  1. I have gained weight. Damn. I hate this. It makes me miserable enough to not leave the house. So, I’m back to eating right and have to drop my extra fluff. Don’t blame it on the holidays because I didn’t go home and didn’t do any extraneous eating. Blame it on me eating out every damn day.
  2. Where in the hell did CL#4NewJersey go? Where? What the hell is wrong with him? I’m so angry about this flaky disappearance that I feel like emailing him and saying, “Damn, I didn’t know you were dead. I hope I didn’t miss the funeral.” I’ve collected some varying opinions on doing this, but, it led me to having this other train of thought. Exiting list mode now.

Am I just too passive in relationships? I know of a handful of women who literally hold the reins in their relationships. I don’t want to be this woman, but I think that so many men have proven themselves to be wishy washy, that women have learned to take the lead on relationship items. It’s not my style to call CL#4NewJersey and hound him because I’m of the “He’s Just That Not Into Me” school. But would another woman allow this to go on? Would another woman allow him to flake out like this without an appropriate excuse?

Some could argue that it was only three dates and that I have no right to contact him, fishing to find out what went wrong. But, it was three intense dates. While there was no sex, I detailed the conversation and things that happened on said dates. The man acted like he was into more with me than just someone to hang out with. Non-stop laughing people. Non-stop laughing. I’m not even sure what contacting him will yield. Even if he said, “Let’s go out tonight,” right now I feel like all these games and the lack of contact has made me lose interest – interest in him, but I haven’t lost interest in finding out what his deal is.

Damn am I in a bad mood.

Oprah Can Kiss My Ass

People Please. I am sick to death of hearing these ridiculous complaints about James Frey and his “A Million Little Pieces” book.

  1. Who cares if he embellished facts and changed details? The message is still the same: Your life will be a pile of shit if you sink into becoming an alcoholic and drug addict like he describes.
  2. The book wasn’t that good anyway. The first 200 pages were of him vomiting everywhere. Please. I could shit a better story than that. In fact, I have.
  3. Stop letting Oprah do all your thinking for you. Don’t let her tell you what books to read. Don’t let her tell you who to worship. Don’t let her tell you who you used to worship and now must despise.
  4. If you’re still pissed that he lied, consider something. Drug Addicts and Alcoholics haven’t been given any awards for their integrity and honesty. What the hell did you expect?
  5. If you couldn’t tell by reading the book that he was making some of the shit up, then I have a bridge to sell you. Who the hell has a dual root canal, cavity filled, two crowns, a broken nose smashed back into place and 40 stitches in their face within 48 hours and without the aid of painkillers?

Huh. I feel like I just channeled AUA for a minute. Ok. That is all.

The Best of El Guapo: Think of the Deli Meats!

All right, you all wanted to see it. Here’s his pic.

El Guapo:

Gracias for all your hard work yesterday. You have proven yourself to be the Numero Uno funny man of the D.C. Blog scene. I have an incredible urge to stick my tongue in your boca. But since you will not present yourself, I shall continue cruising Craigslist for dorks.

In an effort to thank you, I hereby present to you, this shrine. An Ode to El Guapo. Here are your best lines, used on AngryMan.

  1. I love to curl up with a man while he watches sports. It makes me feel perfect.
  2. Yes, I get manicures and penicures regularly. (Freudian slip?)
  3. I don’t have very strong hands, but I can do other things to make my lover happy
  4. Other treatments for my body? Well, yes, but I have to find that special someone to help me with that.
  5. You sound so big and strong I’m sure you could just flip me over so easily. What would you do then? Would you pour some candle wax on me? Would you mind if I turned you over and poured candle wax on you?
  6. My favorite thing to do in the bedroom is to tie up my partner. I have velvet rope that I use. I like to control him
  7. I’ve always wanted to use food during lovemaking. This sounds weird, but I like spicy food, so I would like to pour Tabasco sauce on my lover’s chest and lick it off. It would be spicy on my tounge and hot on his chest. Then I would kiss him for him to feel the heat.
  8. Yes. I have been with a woman. Is this ok with you? It was a very strange relationship that my brothers found out about. It was a very messy situation, but this was in Brazil, so they cannot do anything to my lovers here. It was wonderful. I met her while I was volunteering at a school for the blind. I still think about her on rainy nights.
  9. I touched myself last night while thinking about you. I didn’t have my vibrator, so I used one of the whiskey bottles in the mini-bar. I know it’s kinky, but I needed something. The label was peeling a little bit and it felt good.
  10. Have you ever stuck anything in you? I like doing that sometimes. I think it’s hot when a man is masculine enough to admit that feels good. Would you be ok with my doing that?
  11. I was with my female lover about 5 years ago. She was blind, but beautiful. She could not speak very well because of surgeries, but she could touch. We spent most of the time in bed because she couldn’t walk without the use of canes
  12. I would sit on her face for hours while she made me orgasm over and over. It took some getting used to her hands being always in a fist, but I eventually used that to my advantage.
  13. Paul, I need to know about your size. Please tell me.
  14. His response: “my name is not paul.”
  15. It is true, I had made love to my business partner Paul, but that was one time in a drunken night in Singapore. There were others as well. He doesn’t mean anything to me John! He was just there and it slipped.
  16. Please Paul. Have your friend come and meet us. I can watch you two make love while I touch myself like you wanted.
  17. Please Paul. You must be aware of what the Patriot actually covers. Unfortunately, lustful e-mails is not one of them.
  18. Paul, please, think of all of the deli meats we can eat off of each other. Please, do not be vindictive with your imaginary uses of law. I beg of you

El Guapo, I might be in love with you. You made personas en todo el mundo laugh yesterday.

Much Amor y besitos,

Velvet

El Guapo Fucks Up

Oh no. We’ve gone too far. His responses are italicized. I’ll guide you in parenthesis.

*****************************************
(From AngryMan)
Yes, I wear underwear. I think most guys do. I wear boxers or the boxer/brief combination. Hey, speaking of pictures, do you have any pictures you can send me? Diane sent me two, but I wanted to see more of you. I have never done the wax thing, but would be willing to try. I am pretty open minded in the bedroom. Are you? What are your favorite things to do in bed? Please tell. I like a woman to wear lingerie for me. To model it and show off your body to me. Seduce me with your body and get me so hot for you. When is your flight home?
*****************************************
(From Mercedes)
I’m on my company laptop. I don’t have any more pictures. I’m sorry. 🙁 I loooooooooove boxer briefs. You make me so excited that you are into new things in the bedroom. I’m very adventurous and will try anything if I trust my lover. My favorite thing to do in the bedroom is to tie up my partner. I have velvet rope that I use. I like to control him, but I promise in a good way. I’ve always wanted to use food during lovemaking. This sounds weird, but I like spicy food, so I would like to pour Tabasco sauce on my lover’s chest and lick it off. It would be spicy on my tounge and hot on his chest. Then I would kiss him for him to feel the heat. Would you like this?

Brazil is known for it’s lingerie. I will stop by and pick up a couple of things this weekend. My flight leaves Manaus in the morning, but it goes to SP, Houston, then DC. I will be arriving late on Sunday. Will you be up?

Tell me what you would do to me. Have you ever had a threesome? I’ve always been curious about that.

M
*****************************************
(Obv, from AngryMan)
Mercedes:

Your flight leaves Sunday morning? How long of a flight is it?

I love lingerie. Buy some or just wear what you have at home. I am sure it is as sexy as can be.

I am open minded in the bedroom so we can discuss doing whatever you want to do. Yes, I would love to have a threesome. That would be fun. Although, I would want to be with just you and get some trust between us. That would make the threesome much better. Have you ever been with a woman?

Do you touch yourself alot when you are on the road? I want to watch you do that. I assume you wax or shave?
*****************************************
(From Mercedes)
The flight is long. I will be leaving very early. Around 7AM in Brazil and only getting to DC near 11 PM.

Yes. I have been with a woman. Is this ok with you? It was a very strange relationship that my brothers found out about. It was a very messy situation, but this was in Brazil, so they cannot do anything to my lovers here. It was wonderful. I met her while I was volunteering at a school for the blind. I still think about her on rainy nights.

But yes, a threesome is only to be done when trust is formed.

I will touch myself in front of you if you do the same. I am completely waxed. Very Brazilian. 😉

Will you touch yourself too? Are you big or small or medium? Tell me specifics. I am very tiny, so I need to be careful with that regard.

What is your fantasy?
**************************************
(AngryMan ain’t so angry anymore)
Yes, the fact that you have been with a woman is fine with me. I would love for you to tell me all about it. How long ago was it? Please give me details. I would love to hear every detail about it.

How often do you touch yourself? Have you done so thinking about me?

Every guys fantasy is to be with two or three beautiful women at the same time. I would love to do that.

I also love to have a woman wear lingerie when I get to her house. She has it on and leads me to the bedroom where candles are lit and she wants to be romantic and make love all night. I love the body rubs as I mentioned and the touch of a beautiful confident and sexy woman.

When was the last time you were with a man?
****************************************
(Mercedes again!)
I touched myself last night while thinking about you. I didn’t have my vibrator, so I used one of the whiskey bottles in the mini-bar. I know it’s kinky, but I needed something. The label was peeling a little bit and it felt good. Have you ever stuck anything in you? I like doing that sometimes. I think it’s hot when a man is masculine enough to admit that feels good. Would you be ok with my doing that?

I was with my female lover about 5 years ago. She was blind, but beautiful. She could not speak very well because of surgeries, but she could touch. We spent most of the time in bed because she couldn’t walk without the use of canes. She had red hair and was beautiful. I would sit on her face for hours while she made me orgasm over and over. It took some getting used to her hands being always in a fist, but I eventually used that to my advantage. She was the only woman I ever really loved.

I have been with other women with my lovers, but I don’t count those. I do it for them. I do anything to keep them happy.

Paul, I need to know about your size. Please tell me.
****************************************
(Uh oh. AngryMan is BAACK.)
my name is not Paul.
****************************************
Oh no! John, please I am sorry. Paul is a business partner who was talking to me when I was writing. I feel so embarrassed! Please, I am so sorry.
****************************************
Well, Mercedes.

I need you to call me or for me to call you. I understand you are out of the Country, but provide me with a phone number and I will call you.
****************************************
I am afraid that I am too embarrassed to continue with you. I did not want to make you feel small by calling you a different name. I am so sorry. I have tears in my eyes.

And to think that I had all these plans and you were making me so excited to meet someone special and then this happened.

I deserve this. You are too sweet of a man to have to have someone call you by another name.

It is true, I had made love to my business partner Paul, but that was one time in a drunken night in Singapore. There were others as well. He doesn’t mean anything to me John! He was just there and it slipped. I’m sorry.

Please, if you want, I will give you my flight information and you can meet me at Dulles on Sunday.

M
**********************************
Give me your phone number.
**********************************
I am in Brazil using the comp’s cell for business.

Have you lost all faith in me? Be honest.
**********************************
(To Both of Us)
Well you two, whoever you are.

I hope you had your fun for the day.

I am not quite sure you are looking to get out of stringing guys along like this. Have you ever heard of Karma? What goes around comes around?

I would like to be there when it gets back to you two.
**********************************
John please. This is my sister in law. Please do not bring her into this. Please. I beg you. This is just between you and me.
**********************************
(Another from AngryMan.)
Why are you two playing games.

Being so dishonest and lying about everything is not very cool.

I have a couple of buddies who work down the hall if you know what I mean. They have access to email accounts – especially g-mail. This will be very fun for me.
***********************************
(A third from AngryMan.)
I am going to have so much fun with you. Ahhhhhh……………..sweet revenge.

I just hung up with a buddy of mine who consults for DHS. He is going to help me with this.
**********************************
(El Guapo tries once more…)
Please Paul. Have your friend come and meet us. I can watch you two make love while I touch myself like you wanted. Please, do not e-mail my sister in law Diane.
**********************************
(Using his first line of introduction with me from my Craigslist ad. – Hello, didn’t I say men always tell us who they are in the first five minutes?)
you are a fucking idiot.
**********************************
(El Guapo, blatantly calling him by wrong name.)
Paul, please, this could be special. Do not be angry.
**********************************
(AngryMan is ANGRY.)

Whatever.

BTW – g-mail is apparently very open to providing information using the Patriot Act.

Thought you should know.
**********************************
(El Guapo, in his funniest of all comebacks:)
Please Paul. You must be aware of what the Patriot actually covers. Unfortunately, lustful e-mails is not one of them.

Paul, please, think of all of the deli meats we can eat off of each other. Please, do not be vindictive with your imaginary uses of law. I beg of you
**********************************
(Diane tries to write back.)
Damn you two. What happened? I just got back from a meeting and saw all these emails. Goodness.

Oh well, Mercedes – I tried. Sounds like he’s a pecker anyway.

And you, John – you’re ready to tell all your friends at work what you wrote to Mercedes? Ha. I doubt it.
**********************************
Diane receives this:
Message Undeliverable. USER IS NOT ACCEPTING MAIL FROM THIS SENDER.

I probably shouldn’t post his picture, but I’m more than happy to email it to anyone who asks.

El Guapo Strikes Again

There are more emails. This one is John’s response to the last email you read. Then it continues, in the same fashion of reply etc.*************************************************
Ok, so I guess much of what she told me is true of you and not her. I feel kinda strange that she lied to me, but I understand why she did it. I can try and see it from your/her point of view and I guess it makes sense. I am not into meeting women on the Internet. I have met only one person this way. It went well and she is a very nice woman, just not the right one for me.So, can you tell me more about yourself? Age? Likes and dislikes?I guess you have seen my picture. So, you know I am a white male. I am 5-9 and weigh about 170 lbs. I have an athletic build and try to keep in pretty good shape. I played a ton of sports in my life to include hockey, rugby, golf, soccer, tennis, baseball. Now, I mainly play softball and golf. I try to run and keep active. It is not easy sometimes, but I work at it.

I own a small property management company in Fairfax. I also have an interest in a real estate company in Vienna.

I am Italian. I come from a large extremely close family with 5 kids. My parents are still married and have been for over 42 years. Family is very important to me.

Let’s see……..I like a woman who is attractive, smart, funny, and secure in herself.

What else would you like to know? I want to know everything about you.

John
**********************************************
John,

Sorry for the delay. A couple of my cousins dragged me out to the hotel lobby and we were dancing.

I am SO excited that you are Italian. My mother is of Italian descent! Her maiden name is Pacoli. That is my middle name.

You are the first person I have actually contacted from the Internet. Diane has sent me many photos, but I don’t know, there was something about you. You looked cocky and I like that. I like a man who is cocky and in charge. I could tell by the way you were pointing at the camera. I loved that. It’s on my desktop. Sorry, I just thought that was the cutest thing in the world. Confident men are hard to come by.

Wow, you have played a lot of sports. I just knew you liked sports because I noticed you had a couple of remote controls on your table. I love to curl up with a man while he watches sports. It makes me feel perfect. I don’t know a lot about softball, but I have seen it on TV. It looks very difficult. I’m not much of an athlete. I go to the gym several times a week, but I know I could never play softball. When you hit the ball, does it hurt your hands? Probably not yours, but I think it would hurt mine. I’m more of a yoga person. It relaxes me and makes me very flexible. This is very important because I travel a lot.

I’m so excited you like soccer! Do you think Brazil will win the World Cup next year? My brothers are going to Germany to see a couple of games. I may go, but I get bored sometimes with my entire family. I’m the only girl and they are just too protective.

It is good that you take care of yourself. I could see that from the picture. I’m not very big. I’m 5’3 104 pounds. You could lift me over your head!

A family with 5 kids? My family has 6 kids! 5 boys and me. Are you Catholic? Religion isn’t at the top of my list, but I do try to go to church when I can.

My likes? That is so broad John! Can you maybe narrow this down? Are you asking what I look for in men? I will assume so.

In men, I look for someone who is intelligent and strong. Physically and in their mind. A man who takes control, but still gives me my space. I am very independent and want someone who is the same way. I have my own world and want someone who has theirs as well. You have to be funny and spontaneous. I like to be surprised. I also like eyes. I want a man to look at me and make me know that I am safe.

Dislikes are boring John. I don’t like guys that say I have a sexy accent. It’s so overdone. That is it.

I’m so excited that you like soccer and are Italian. I think my brothers would like you.
***********************************************
Hey Mercedes:

Glad you went out dancing. I am sure it was fun. I would assume you like to dance and do often? I confess, I am not much of a dancer at all. I am a white male – we are not very good at it. So, I hope that would not be an issue for you and we can find other ways to do things together. Although, I am sure I would like to watch you dance. I am sure it is sexy.

Five brothers??? Wow, that is a large family. I am the youngest in the family. How about you? Are all of your brothers older than you? They must be so protective of you. I mean that in a good way. Older brothers should be protective of their little sister.

Yes, I am Catholic. I assumed you were as well. I don’t practice like I should, but I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school as a kid.

It sounds as if family is very important to you. That is great. It is tough to find these days. It seems as if every marriage ends in divorce and family members don’t like each other. I just don’t get it. I love my family and they are extremely important to me.

Do you like to cook? I love to cook. I love cooking for a woman after she has had a long day. On the flip side, I love a woman to cook for me when I have had a long day.

So, you go to the gym a lot aye? Do you also get manicures, pedicures, facials, and massages? You seem like a woman who takes care of herself mentally and physically. I like woman like that. I like a woman who cares about how she looks and takes pride in her appearance. Although, a massage between lovers is so much better, don’t you think?

When will you be home? I think you said Sunday. How often are you out of town?

I guess I have to wait until Sunday or Monday to hear your voice? Don’t worry I won’t use some lame line and tell you that you have a sexy accent. LOL

Hope you are doing well and would love to hear from you soon.

John
************************************************
John,

I can’t explain how I’ve been so excited to get your replies. I got your e-mail earlier, but only had the opportunity to reply now.

Don’t worry about not dancing. I can teach you. Actually, I would love to do so. Just as long as you hold me tight and move the right way. Can you do that? 😉

I am the second youngest in my family. They are very protective. Sometimes they go too far, but that’s another story for another day.
You cook? Thatis so hard to find in a man! Do you cook Italian food? I love Italian food. I find the food so sensual. I always get in a good mood (if you know what I mean) after i have a nice, big Italian dinner.

Yes, I get manicures and penicures regularly. I like to take care of myself and look my best. When I am with someone, I do what I can to make him proud to be with me. Do you really know how to give massages? I’d like to see that. I love receiving massages. I don’t have very strong hands, but I can do other things to make my lover happy.

I will be home on Sunday. I want to talk to you then. I’m out of town about 2 weeks a month. Sometimes more, sometimes less.

I have a break between meetings, so we could have a bit of a conversation if you reply quickly. I know that may be hard since it is lunchtime, but try for me. Your e-mails make me so happy. Especially when you talk about massages and cooking. 😉
*************************************************
Mercedes:

Your last email turned me on. I have to be honest with you.

Several points –

The fact that you get excited to hear from me is a big turn on. I like a woman who takes care of herself physically for her man. That is huge to me. So, you get manicures and pedicures. Are there other treatments you get on a regular basis for your body?

I love to give massages to a beautiful woman. I like to touch every inch of your body and make you feel good and relaxed. I like to do with oil, soft music in the back ground, a candle and some wine. Start you on your back and then flip you over to your stomach and rub every inch of your body. Would you like that?

Yes, I cook all kinds of food to include Italian. I can cook for you sometime soon.

So, what else do you like to do to make your lover happy? Do you like to wear lingerie?
*************************************************
John!

I know that we are going to be getting along just fine.

Other treatments for my body? Well, yes, but I have to find that special someone to help me with that.

You sound so big and strong I’m sure you could just flip me over so easily. What would you do then? Would you pour some candle wax on me? Would you mind if I turned you over and poured candle wax on you? It hurts a little bit, but it is a good hurt. I’ll take care of you. I promise.

I can’t believe I’m writing this, but I wonder how you are. You know. Remember that I’m very small and I’m afraid to be with someone that is too big.

I have lingerie, but I like to sleep naked. I don’t wear underwear and I don’t think I ever will. It’s too constricting. Do you wear underwear? I guess many guys do.

I wish I were back in the states now. I can’t stop looking at your picture.
*************************************************

Uh. I’m speechless. El Guapo, you have outdone yourself. I’m laughing so hard I’m crying.

With The Touch of a Velvet Glove, Abra Abra Cadabra

There is officially someone who has as much time on their hands as I do, and who also enjoys a good practical joke/revenge at some bastards expense. El Guapo is handling things with the AngryMan from here. We should call him CLAngryMan I suppose.

El Guapo created a fake email and sent this, which resulted in the exchange that follows.

Hello. You may find this strange, but today Diane sent you two pictures of me. You see, Diane is my sister-in-law who has it in her head that I am going to be forever single. So, she posts ads for me on Craigs List and Match in her treasure hunt to find me a man.

She told me that you two had a fun back and forth today and actually sent me your picture. I’m actually traveling in South America for work right now, but would love to chat with you over e-mail until I get back. Be forwarned that my response times will either be very quick or very slow depending on my meeting schedule.

Diane is a good judge of character and she told me that you had great wit. Besides, you are too cute!

Sorry for the novel. I can’t wait to hear from you!

Mercedes
************************************************
I am not quite sure I understand what is going on here.

You are out of the country? Who sent me the pics and who is the woman in the pics?
************************************************
Wow! That was quick! That’s me in the pics.

It’s kind of embarrassing that she does this, but she tries to find me guys to date on the Internet. She complains that I work and travel too much etc etc.

She told me that I would like your sarcasm. And she knows my type, so she forwarded me your picture in the hopes that I would actually take initiative.

Well, tonight I’m in my hotel room and the martinis gave me the initiative to write you.

How are you? Tell me a bit about yourself. What do you do? Where are you from? etc.
************************************************
So, that is you in the pics? I asked for her to call me to prove it was/is her, but she did not. Is this the reason? Becuase it is you?

I guess I feel lied to, but I see why she did it.

Where are you right now? I know you are in a hotel, but where?

I live in Fairfax, VA. I own a town house and live alone. I love living alone……………wait, everything she told me was a lie? You don’t do real estate? You don’t live alone in DC?

This would be much easier if we could talk on the phone………….can we?
*************************************************
Yup, that’s me! She’s married to my brother, and she couldn’t pull off my accent (although she tries!). I’m sorry that she lied to you. She’s a super amazing person. I didn’t like her at first (she took away my little brother!), but she grew on me very quickly.

No, I’m not in Real Estate. My family is in the make-up business and several of our manufacturing facilities are in Venezuela & Brazil. Right now I’m in a city called Manaus in Northern Brazil.

You already want to talk on the phone? Well, luckily I’m in Brazil, so I can’t. However, I’m a little new with this meeting people over the Internet, so I’d feel a lot better about it if we kept it to e-mail. Do you mind? I’m sorry, but my family is very protective over me and I don’t want to put myself “out there”. They’re very nice once you meet them and they know you.

I do live alone in DC. I live just off Pennsylvania Avenue in Capitol Hill. I love it there, but I wish I were home more… 🙁

I own a townhome and share it with my Fox Terrier. Do you like dogs? I love dogs. They are loyal and are always in a good mood. I like living alone too, except when it’s cold in the winter.

I went to college in the North East, but my family is originally from Brazil. I pretty much grew up here, but I still have that accent. I like it though. It’s very me.
I’m sorry that she teased you like that, but it was for a good cause. We got to speak over e-mail didn’t we? And, I get back on Sunday, so we can talk then.

What about you? Tell me about yourself? I can’t even sleep now. See what you did to me?
***********************************************

What is this dude’s hangup about living alone? It’s like he dated someone in a group house and he’s scarred for life. El Guapo – you must get on that! Invent a permanent houseguest.

Why am I doing this? Because, this guy was cruising the ads sending out obnoxious replies under the anonymous email address feature. I know he’s a dick and he deserves a little slapping around for it. So, all you Anonymous posters who want to cry about it, tell me I’m wrong, that I should stop – get off my blog. Go read about sunshine and lollypops, cause Velvet and El Guapo are muy busy.

HA!

Choose Your Own Adventure

Perhaps my commute is making me angry. Maybe it’s because I spent a delightful night with the devilish CrazyGirl and she got me fired up. Or maybe it’s because my last Craigslister is a flake – see post below this one. But, today’s emails have yielded this batch of fun.

AngryMan: you’re a fucking idiot {Who sends crap like this on the first try?}
Velvet: And you have a tiny penis.
AngryMan: And you are a ditch licker.
Velvet: Why so angry? Why are you cruising Craigslist firing insults at people? I bet you’re a short, fatty, with blubber hanging everywhere and you just can’t find yourself a girl. So you insult them.
AngryMan: LOL………….actually, I am a really nice guy. I am just messing around. If I offended you I am sorry. I was just having fun. I am sure you are a wonderful woman with much to offer a guy. I am about your age by the way – if that matters. Have you received a ton of responses to your ad?
Velvet: Let’s see..a ton of responses, yes. But once you net out all the people who hurl insults at me (only you) and who are dorks, there’s not a lot left.
AngryMan: Seriously, I am a nice guy, just messing with you. Have you sent your picture out to many guys?
Velvet: I’ve sent my picture to no one. I haven’t wanted to.
AngryMan: So, I assume you won’t send your pic to me. Can you at least give me a physical description to go with your sarcastic temperament? I can respond in kind if you like.
Velvet: I’m 5’5. I go to the gym every morning…although I suspect I have collected 5 extra pounds in the last few weeks. They’ll be gone by next week though, in time for our wedding. Dark hair, brown eyes. What else?
AngryMan: Sounds very nice. To which gym do you belong (poor sentence, but did not what to end it in a prep – phrase, you know?) You work out every morning. You must have decent stamina. mmmmmmm Where do you live and are you sure you can wear white down the isle?
Velvet: I live in D.C.I can wear white. I’m a virgin. If I told you what gym, you might stalk me. I can’t have you across the street, yelling out “you’re a fucking idiot” when I’m trying to start my day.
AngryMan: ahhh………..good point. I don’t live in DC. I live in NOVA. So tell me………….. Biggest turn ons and turn offs
Velvet: Biggest turn offs: men who swear at me on Craigslist. Turn ons: Someone who is insanely intelligent, tall, nice teeth. You?
AngryMan: Offs – Women who tell me I have a small penis on CL. LOL Ons – body rubs. Any more? So, any chance I can get a pic of you?
Velvet: As soon as I get one of you.
AngryMan: ahhhh………..I see. Do you think you deserve one? Please list more turn ons and offs.
Velvet: You called me a fucking idiot. I deserve way more than a picture. I deserve an apology and probably dinner. See how I worked that in there? List more…Hmm. Must think about that.
AngryMan: Ahhh…………I see the angle there. Good way to work that in on that one. So, if I send you a picture – will you send one right back? I do apologize. I assume you apologize for saying I had a small dick and was really fat?
Velvet: Ok. I’m sorry. Although it’s a funny combination. I’ll send one right back. Unless you send me a pic of George Bush.
AngryMan: Ok, here is a pic. Please send yours.
Velvet: ok
AngryMan: Yea, right,,,,,,,,,,,,please send one of you.
Velvet: I did. You didn’t get it? Should I send it again?
AngryMan: You sent me a pic of a very pretty woman sitting down wearing a bra. Is that honestly you?
Velvet: It’s my bathing suit top.I didn’t realize you could see that. Sorry. It was taken at the beach this past summer.
AngryMan: do you have any other pics you can send? Yours was very nice by the way. Did you like mine?
Velvet: Why do you want more pics? You didn’t send more pics of you. Just like a guy. You all always want 10 pics so you can decide if she’s worthy enough for you. No. I don’t like your pic. You look like a dork and I bet you have a tiny pee pee.
AngryMan: LOL…………..pee pee. I like that. Are we in high school. No, I don’t want 10 more pics…………..just one. This time, you send one and I will send one in return.
Velvet: That sounds like a stupid deal. I’m clearly hotter than you are. So why would I do that?
AngryMan didn’t write back. I am not letting this one get away. So I wrote again. In case you can’t tell, I’m going to make him pay dearly for sending me that initial “fucking idiot” email.

Velvet: Honey, was I a little too harsh? Did you leave me and go to lunch? Oh my. I hope I haven’t scared you away with my delightful personality.
AngryMan: I actually thought it was pretty funny. You are pretty, but I am a hottie.
Velvet: I doubt that you are a hottie. Big Geek are the words that come to mind. So where do you work, Big Geek? Cause I know you’re not an ER doc.
AngryMan: I work in Fairfax. I own a small company and have an interest in a real estate firm. How are we coming with the list of turn ons and offs? Where do you work? What do you do for a living?
Velvet: I work in D.C., also in real estate. I probably know you. “How are we coming with the list” – funny. Ok. Turn on: Picking up men on Craigslist; Turn off: having them swear at me. Turn on: When they apologize and can keep up with my sarcasm; Turn off: When they are a stick in the mud.(not you, of course, but mostly all these other schlubs.) Turn ons: Music, my thong undies, men who are smart. Turn offs: Traffic, you in thong undies, liars.
AngryMan: Now wait just one minute —– you put that a turn off would be me in a thong. Are you sure about that? See, I put on thongs backwards – it so looks hot! You need to see it to believe it my friend. So, you have not had a whole lot of luck with CL? Can I ask you a question and get an honest answer? Well, I will do it anyway – Why am I so privilege to get your pic? You said you have not sent your pic to anyone. So, why do I deserve such special treatment?How are we coming with the second pic there my friend?
Velvet: You can stick that second pic up your ass. You were lucky enough (as you said) to get one, don’t push your luck. The other pic I have is lame. But ok. I’ll send it. I’m good like that. I’m getting a lot of responses of men who barely speak English. I don’t even write back. You seem different. I can just tell.
AngryMan: Wait. Hold on, wait just one-second – was that almost a compliment? I mean, we may have been in the same ball park of a compliment???? I may get sick here if you are nice to me. We can’t have that. Another pic would be much appreciated. Would it make you feel more comfortable if I started to write you in poor English? I can if you like. See cuz I done be good like tht and all. J/K. So, you do real estate? Commercial or residential? BTW – my name is John
Velvet: I already know your name. Your pic wish has been granted.
AngryMan: I assume your name is Diane? Thank you for the second picture. You are a very pretty woman…………..gross, no more compliments for you today 🙂 You did not answer the real estate question. Also, why is a beautiful woman like you posting and ad on CL anyway?
Velvet: Yes. Diane. I don’t know. Why is a cute boy like yourself answering ads? Real Estate – residential.
AngryMan: I don’t know. Curious I guess. Do you live alone in DC or with room mates? Do you even know how old I am?
Velvet: As long as you aren’t answering men seeking men ads. Or, are you? I live in D.C., alone. How old are you? 24?
AngryMan: I live alone in Fairfax. I love living alone. How about you? 24?????????? Do I look 24?
Velvet: No. You look 54. But I was trying to be nice. How old are you motherfucker?
AngryMan: Motherfucker???? Now is that nice or what? I am a two years older than you. So, when are you going to call me?
Velvet: I’m not. I was hoping you would say we would just meet for a drink. Talking is overrated.
AngryMan: We can meet for a drink. However, I think we should talk first.
Velvet: Why? Be spontaneous.
AngryMan: Oh I can be spontaneous. That is not an issue. However, I want to talk to you first.
Velvet: Fine. What’s your number?

He sent me his number. Let’s turn this post into a choose your own adventure. Either I’ll call him and use *67 to block my number, or, one of you lovely readers will get the number emailed to you and you’ll be able to call. Who wants to play? Come on! Don’t make me take him down alone. This could be an interactive blog. Think of the possibilities.

UPDATE:
It seems someone is hot in the pants. He sent his number. Then more emails.
AngryMan: Are you going to call or what?
Velvet: I’m at work dear. I can’t say the things I want to say to you when people are nearby
AngryMan: we won’t talk about anything bad or sexy. Just call so I can hear your voice. Chicken???
AngryMan: ummmmmm……was today just a game?
Velvet: I can’t call you. I have a dozen people around me. Honey, you are going to have to hold your horses. I’m worth the wait. Trust me.
AngryMan: I have an idea. Give me your cell phone number and I can call you. Let it go to voice mail – don’t answer it. I just want to make sure to hear your voice before we go any further.
Velvet: What’s your hurry hon? I don’t have a recording on my voicemail. I have Verizon ringback, so all you hear is music, then a beep. I have it on Jukebox, so it’s a crapshoot what song you will hear.
AngryMan: you are in real estate and you don’t have a very specific announcement? I find that hard to believe. Is this just for your amusement?
Velvet: I wouldn’t call from my work cell, nor would I give that number out. You are very tightly wound.

Come on people! I’m dying on the vine over here! Someone step up. And look how eager beaver he is right now. Guarandamnteed that if we went out tonight, he wouldn’t be emailing as much tomorrow, and it would screech to a halt.

A Wound Gets Worse When It’s Treated With Neglect

It’s back. My “I don’t give a shit” attitude is back. I don’t know who invited it, but here it is.

I was in Michigan last weekend visiting the cutest baby in the world. Prior to jetting off for the airport, I answered that email from CL#4NewJersey. Last. Thursday. And. I. Haven’t. Heard. Back. I don’t even care anymore. The thought of him doesn’t make my heart pitter patter anymore. I know, I know, we all had hope. I sure did. What can I do?

I posted another ad on Craigslist yesterday afternoon and collected a few dozen replies. But I’m not in the mood to write anything witty or be charming.

It is a little sad to have this thing with CL#4NewJersey die out like this, after three intense and wonderful dates, but, my sister-in-law asked me an important question when I was in Michigan: “How did his last relationship end?” I dropped my jaw and said, “He told me they just drifted apart.” So, there it is.

My sister-in-law’s sister (my inspiration for getting a motorcycle) suggested I contact him again. I can’t. I cannot possibly force myself to call or write again. I cannot text under the pretense that “perhaps he didn’t get my last email.” I have to be aggressive in so many other areas of my life, that it drains me. Dating and relationships is the one place I can’t be aggressive. First, it violates my principle that if a man likes you, he will make the effort. And second, it’s just not my style. I want to be chased. I want to be pursued. I want to feel the rush of someone blowing off everything else in their life for me.

So, I guess I’ll take a little break from dating, then jump back in – probably by Monday I’ll be better.

When I Said “I Do…”

I’ve been working on this post for a while, both in my head and here in my drafts. It’s about Marriage.

All of a sudden, I’m hearing about all these unhappy marriages. It’s crazy, but every time I get that feeling that everyone is coupled up or married, along come a dozen stories of miserable matrimony to validate my choice to be single.

I recently heard from someone who I thought was very happily married that he and his wife don’t even talk anymore, and sometimes he’s so aggravated and sick of her that he invents errands and finds himself wandering around the grocery store talking to people who work there, just so he can have non-frustrating human contact.

I also have a distant family member who was just married a year ago, already filing for divorce.

Then I heard from a friend that her sister and brother-in-law are fighting and there’s talk of divorce and who gets the baby – talk that has never occured in any of their fights before.

So, this begs the all important question ~ Are people getting married without really knowing each other or are they marrying the right person and just not trying hard enough? As the divorce rate climbs, I have to wonder what the real reason is behind the divorces.

My own feelings on marriage are this: I have never fantasized about a dream wedding. I think that fantasy clouds the underlying event – the marriage. I lived with someone for the better part of 6 years. In that time, we wavered on whether we should get married or not. I loved him dearly, more than anyone ever in my life, but his casual attitude toward money presented a problem for me. Eventually we parted ways, after deciding that we were no longer better together than apart. Our relationship lasted longer than a lot of marriages, and for us it was a clean break. No lawyers, no custody battles, no support payments. But, I know people who have those money differences, or religious or family differences, and they try to defy the odds and get married. Stupid.

Now, a pop quiz, but it only has one question:

How long does it take to really get to know someone?
a) You “just know” right away if they are the right person for you.
b) About 3 months
c) One Year
d) After your first major fight
e) Never

Ladies and gents, if you answered anything other than “E,” thank yourself for jacking up the divorce rate statistic. You never really know someone. Why? Because people are always changing. You could meet me today and have me all figured out, but time can change and warp me in some ways. If you don’t believe me, watch the true crime dramas on A&E at night. Someone always kills their spouse for one reason or another, and the friends always testify that they never knew that the problems in the marriage were any more severe than anyone else’s issues, and that they “knew Bob since he was in kindergarden and he could never kill Lucinda.”

I’m not saying that everyone’s spouse is eligible to become a murderer. But give it some thought. Haven’t you ever done something out of character that you shared with almost no one, and most people wouldn’t believe you even if you told them to their face? I’m the host of about one scandalous event a year, that no one “who knows me well” would ever believe.

I don’t know the answer to this question of marriage. I do know that the right person for me at 25 wasn’t the right person for me at 30. So if that’s true, how do I know that a (hypothetical) person I marry today will be the person I want to be with in 30 years? They say “You just know.” Do you? I don’t even know which bra I want to wear tomorrow. How can I pick out a permanent mate? And who’s to say that marriage has to be permanent? Who made all these damn rules?

What about the issue of “other people’s marriages” – what’s the answer? Are people jumping ship too soon? Or are they walking down the aisle with people they barely know? Why is everyone getting divorced? Why is everyone in such a rush to get married in the first place? Is living with someone for the rest of your life really the way to go?

I Know It’s Late, I Know You’re Weary

A few tidbits and a funny story.

Tidbits:

  • The painter called me and left me a message. So I guess my theory of paying him for services rendered didn’t stop him from calling again. Since my transaction with him was complete, I can now ignore his calls. And I did.
  • Fifteen years ago from tomorrow (Friday Jan 20th) is the anniversary of my first date with my high school boyfriend and first love. Last I heard, he was still pumping gas at the same gas station, but he did manage to get married. What do I have? Years of failed relationships and…aww, forget it. Next tidbit.
  • Like the worst of all reality shows, CL#3TextTormenter is baaack. He called last night, I called him today. We talked for 5 minutes and then he said he had to go but he would call me back. I said I was going out of town for the weekend, but he could try. Then he said, “Ok, so you call me.” Yeah. Sure. I’ll be doing that sometime soon.
  • CL#4NewJersey and I have exchanged one email this week, initiated by yours truly. It simply mentioned the Warhol exhibit that he said he wanted to see. I sent him the link. Then he wrote back and said, “is that your way of asking me to go see it with you.” Good lord. That man used my own line on me. And it isn’t even my line! I stole it from my neighbors.

In all seriousness, I’ve lost a little of the twinge of excitement about CL#4NJ. I think it’s this painfully slow communication. I’m losing interest. In fact, I was checking a guy out today at the airport. (I’m in Michigan this weekend visiting the cutest baby in the world, who is suspiciously starting to look like me now.) Anyway, if I really liked CL#4NJ, I don’t think I would be checking someone else out. Come on CL#4!! Step up to the plate already!!! Can someone call him for me? Thanks.

******************************************************************

Funny Story:

Speed Dating is hilarious.

I signed up for a speed dating event over a month ago. The event was last week. After I signed up, I convinced three other people, one of whom convinced a fourth, to sign up. In total, there were five of us who would speed date. One by one, the other girls received confirmations, and I remained on the waiting list. Since I believe things happen for a reason, I decided to not tempt fate by emailing the organizer or switching places with one of my friends – all of whom were having buyer’s dreaded remorse.

When I wasn’t confirmed, the girls and I swirled around a bunch of conspiracy theories in emails. The first theory was that CL#4NewJersey was important enough that perhaps there was no reason to speed date. I’m a big believer in signs – not coincidences, but signs. This to me seemed a plausible explanation. Even more plausible was the fact that Sammy, little dog, love of my life, was about to endure some extensive medical tests and my mind wasn’t in the dating game. So, there.

In the spirit of support, I attended the event and sat at the bar with a few friends. Shortly after the event started, the organizer delivered to me, a man who had signed up but was also not confirmed. She said if I agreed, we could both speed date, because she needed both of us to keep the numbers even.

I probably sat with this man for an hour and a half – the entire duration of the event going on upstairs. In that time, we had several arguments brew.

He asked me where I was from. I told him Connecticut. He said, “Oh, so your parents are rich.” What the fuck does that mean? We’re not in junior high school anymore. I’m almost 33 years old. It’s entirely possible that I AM the one who is rich, and supporting my parents. Ok, it’s not true due to money being allocated to sick dogs and high heels, but still. His comment was rude, and he directed it at three other people in the group.

At another point in the conversation he was describing something about his job. I said, “Interesting,” mostly in place of saying, “uh-huh.” To that he said obnoxiously, and with a straight face, “NO IT’S NOT.” Rude. Eye rolling and head shaking accompanied the asshole things that came out of his puckering asshole mouth.

Then he asked me what kind of food I ate. I told him I’m mainly a vegetarian who eats seafood. He responded by saying, “Don’t you feel bad that fish are caught in nets and suffocated so that you can eat them? I mean, they struggle for their last breath just so they can end up on your plate.” I said, “It doesn’t really come up until someone jerk I meet in a bar forces it to come up.”

At one point near the end of this hellacious time, he said it takes a really long time to get to know people. You know what I said?

“Nope. People tell you who they are within five minutes of meeting them.”

And I think we’re done here.

Oh My God Look What The Cat Dragged In

I must have a little spring in my step because all of a sudden, everyone is on my ass. Hey! You in the back! Stop giggling! These things have happened to me in the last three days.

Inappropriate Ask-Out Situation #1: The Painter
A painter working in my building asked me if I needed any painting done in my house. I said that my bathroom door fell off the hinge and I just need that fixed. He offered to do it and came to my house Saturday and fixed the door while I was in pre-date warmup for my evening with CL#4NewJersey.

Velvet: Thanks so much for fixing this. What do I owe you?
Painter: Why don’t you cook me dinner?
Velvet: Uh, I don’t cook. Why don’t I just give you some money?
Painter: Don’t worry about it.
Velvet: Come on, you bought the stuff to fix this, you have to let me give you something.
Painter: Ok. Ten bucks.

Velvet thinks: Sold! To the Handyman in my apartment with the giant belly!

By the way, tonight I made a delicious Minestrone soup, and I ate it alone. It was good. Last week I made seafood pasta in sherry cream sauce. But uh, yeah. I don’t cook.

Snark aside, why did I force the money on him? This is very important, pay attention foolish women who mooch favors from men by batting eyelashes: Once I paid for services rendered with the American Dollar, he could no longer feel as if I “owed” him something, i.e. a dinner that I didn’t want to have. Never accept a free favor from a person who you don’t want anything to do with. It was tacky of him to ask me out since I basically hired him to work for me. But it would be more tacky of me to not give him anything for the work, then avoid his advances.

Inappropriate Ask-Out Situation #2: Phil Hartman Reincarnated
Walking the dogs Sunday night. A man is standing on the sidewalk about 100 feet ahead of me. He turned around, spied me coming toward him and waited. He had that “I’m lost” look on his face. And here we go.

Phil Hartman’s Ghost: Can you tell me where the Dupont Market is?
Velvet: It’s on 18th Street, make a left up here. and a right on 18th.
PHG: What about a library? A real quiet one?
Velvet: I have no idea. Are you looking for a place with internet access or a true library?
PHG (acting if I just offered him Anthrax:) Oh NOO!!! I don’t want a place with internet.(Believe me, at this point, I knew I was in trouble and was happy I had left my wallet at home.)
Velvet: I’m sorry, I don’t know. There might be one down 17th Street.
PHG: Is it quiet?
Velvet: I really couldn’t tell you. I’m not even positive it exists.
PHG: So, dinner at your place or mine?
Velvet: (uncomfortably laughing and happy we are approaching dog park. Also happy that someone in the park has already called out to me “Hey Velvet! I had a dream about you last night.” I mean, really, could that have gone ANY better for me?)
PHG: Ok, where’s the market again?

There’s a lesson to be learned here as well. I think it might be “Don’t talk to strangers,” but I’m willing to hear everyone else’s opinons.

Inappropriate Non-Ask-Out Situation #3
Enter The Bartender, stage left. I got a message from him saying that he needed to talk to someone. I called him back and he told me that he really liked this girl and he was screwing up all over the place. He couldn’t manage to give her space, and he kept calling her or something. Ok. Two things. First, clearly, I’m no better off because I really like CL#4NewJersey and I have no idea what I’m doing. Second, why the FUCK are you calling a girl you used to date for advice? I know we’re cool and all, but not that cool. That’s just a little weird. But, it gets weirder. I have to temporarily violate my rule of not talking about sex, because this is just too good.

I get a text message from the bartender asking me the following: “What date did we have sex?” Huh? I wrote back and said, “Is this a trick question?” He called me and said he thinks it was the 14th of October or whatever. Since I don’t have diary to consult, I can’t exactly confirm this.

Velvet: I’m sorry, why are you asking me this? I have no freaking idea. I don’t keep it written down anywhere.
The Bartender: Well I’m getting serious with that girl and I want to get all my ducks in a row, so I’m getting tested.
Velvet: Do you find any of your recent calls to me mildly insulting to me?
The Bartender: What? I just asked you a question.
Velvet: Yeah, and it’s ridiculous for you to be asking me for advice on another girl and even more ridiculous that you are asking me when we had sex. Christ.
The Bartender: I don’t get it.
Velvet: You know, anything you say to me is subject to end up on the blog.

Look, you just can’t make this stuff up.

Oh Here it Comes, That Funny Feeling Again, Winding Me Up Inside Everytime We Touch

The Date Update.

CL#4NewJersey called me yesterday afternoon as I was in the middle of refinancing my condo so I could pay for my purchases at Target. (“I just need to pick up one thing.”) So I told him I would call him back when I got back into D.C. He said he wanted to go to the gym, and asked if he had time. I said “Of course – go right ahead. Let’s aim for 8?” We agreed, but I called him anyway when I got back to D.C. at 6:15. I left him a message, knowing he was at the gym and said he wouldn’t pick up, and then realized by 7:30 I had not heard from him. So I walked the dogs, but I was unsure about getting ready or not. By 8:00, I was half dressed and laying on my bed doing a crossword puzzle. Then he called.

Him: “I’m downstairs.”
Me: “Holy shit! What??”

I buzzed him in, he came up, walked in without knocking (I like that, but only because I feel comfortable with him) and then he bent down to play with the dogs. Any anger I had about not getting a heads up “I’m on my way” phone call disappeared as he bent down and asked Sammy how his back was feeling. I could so fall in love with this man. Jinx. Damn!

I finished getting ready as he watched T.V. and then he said, “It’s good to know that you’re late because I’m always late.” I said, “I wouldn’t have been late if you called and told me you were on your way.” He said with a big smile on his face and in his usual wiseass manner, “Oh, so it’s my fault you’re late?” Ok ok, so we have gotten into the method of his madness a little. Communication: not his forte.

Off in search of food, we decided on this massively popular sushi place near my place. The wait was 30 minutes, so we ran out to get a drink at another bar. We then returned to the restaurant for dinner. We got a nice table, tucked away in the corner with only a few other tables nearby. Once we ordered, this hilarious conversation commenced. We talked about work, but not boring operational things. These were stories about funny things that happened to him, to me – his boss egged him on to act like a fratboy and it caused someone to file a frivolous lawsuit, I’m a witness in a sexual harassment lawsuit.

CL#4NJ: All of a sudden I just realized that everyone is listening to us.
Velvet: That’s because we’re both laughing our asses off, and very loudly.
CL#4NJ (raising his voice): I’m not loud!!!
Velvet: HA! But if they are listening to us, why isn’t anyone else laughing? These stories are gold!
CL#4NJ: I don’t care if any of them are laughing. You are, and that’s all that matters.

Even though everyone was potentially listening to us, it didn’t matter. It seemed like we were the only people in there.

At some point during this conversation, I found the courage to ask what had been bothering me all week. We were talking about how our weeks were and I said, without thinking at all about it, “Were you busy? Was that why you were slow in answering emails?” He said, “Well, two things. One, yes I was busy, two I didn’t realize I was slow in answering emails.”

Ok, so I have two things here. He doesn’t return phone calls and he doesn’t always answer emails – for the reason seeming to be that he doesn’t call back when he doesn’t think there’s anything to say. I don’t know. So he’s bad at communication. Okay.

Before we left I dared him to flick the light switch behind where he was sitting. He did it, and the lights for the restaurant went off. I’m still laughing. All right, you could say I took advantage – I knew from stories he told that he could easily be egged on to do this. I’m ruthless and conniving when it comes to my own entertainment.

After dinner we went outside into the wind, dodged a witch on a bicycle, and walked back toward my place. But then we popped into another bar for another drink. We sat at one table at the edge of the restaurant. There was an empty table next to us, so he said, “You can sit over here with me if you want.” I squeezed into the booth next to him. Then some people came in and said to the table next to us, “You didn’t save our seats!” Then all of them looked at us. CL#4NewJersey said, “Ok, we’ll slide down, but just so you know, I won’t be able to properly grope her now.” They fired back with, “You can still grope her, no problem.”

Anyway, we literally sat there with our hands all over each other, finished our drinks, then left. We went back to my place, and after about 5 minutes of talking about watching TV, we started messing around. I decided it was best to keep him overnight, you know, for observation. We are still holding back somewhat, on all the good stuff. But other than that, it was an awesome night. I don’t like to touch or be touched when I’m sleeping. I’m no cuddler. But I like it with him. It’s nice to wake up in the middle of the night and feel that he’s holding my hand.

This morning when we woke up, he was rubbing Thora’s head because she crawled up and put it on his leg. The dogs and I walked him to his car. All of this is good so far, right? If we could stop right here, everything would be wonderful. But, no. We have strange goodbye #2. He said he had a good time and all that, but then he said, “If you want to get sushi again, let me know.” Huh?

Barbara already gave me some advice, which I love. She slapped me around mom-style. Well, not my mom’s style. My mom would spout out an unfounded insult about him, based on lies, to mask her disappointment that he’s not Greek. Barbara said: “Don’t start doubting a relationship that is still alive and seemingly well.”

I’ll try.

Tagged!

But first, two tidbits for you all.

1) Picture it. Tonight. Velvet walking dogs through the zone of bars, hopping with people drinking on patios. Velvet in sweatpants. Hair in ponytail. Rain making hair frizzy. Velvet sees the Bartender. Bartender looks very hot. Nice. Could I have looked any worse?

2) Velvet got a text from CL#4NewJersey. What. The. Fuck. Anyway, I called him back because I’ve grown tired of the waiting game. He seemed normal, exceptionally tired, so who the hell knows. Maybe he’s just not into emailing when he’s at work. I have no idea. I hope one day I can make him feel bad for making me feel sick to my stomach this week. I’mportant parts of convo:

CL#4NJ: How was your week?
Velvet: Good, other than the Sammy thing.
CL#4NJ: Have any dates with any cute guys?
Velvet: Not since last weekend.
CL#4NJ: What are your plans for tomorrow?
Velvet: Just running some errands, unless that’s your way of asking me if I’m free. (This was a line courtesy of my wonderful neighbors.)
CL#4NJ: Yes, I’m asking you that.
Velvet: Dueling crosswords?
CL#4NJ: One crossword would probably be more romantic. So, would you like to do something tomorrow?
Velvet: I would love to.

And with that, we have our plans. We’ll see.

_____________________________________________________

Now, I’ve been tagged.

Four jobs you have had:
1) Assistant Buyer
2) Restaurant Manager
3) Victoria’s Secret Salesgirl
4) Pizza Hut Waitress

Four movies you could watch over and over:
1) Almost Famous
2) Sliding Doors
3) Arthur
4) Loverboy

Four places you’ve lived:
1) Miami
2) Atlanta
3) Scottsdale
4) Connecticut

Four TV shows you love to watch:
1) Will & Grace
2) Seinfeld
3) Simpsons
4)

Four places you’ve been on vacation:
1) Martinique (“Get me off this island!!”)
2) Rome (Sitting in the Vatican, with Pope John Paul, thinking about getting back to D.C. to have sex with what’s-his-name. Oh, shut up. If I was going to hell, believe me, it was long before this.)
3) London (Mind the gap.)
4) Paris (“That married guy with the rotting teeth is hitting on you, isn’t he?”)

Four of your favorite foods:
1) Pizza
2) Cheese
3) Apple Crostada at Maggiano’s
4) Hot Peppers (They really make everything better.)
5) Peanut Butter (I know, I had to add an extra line. Sue me. Take it away from the TV Shows category, okay??)

Four places you’d rather be right now:
1) At CL#4NewJersey’s place
2) see above
3) see above
4) see above

Four sites I visit daily:
1) Yahoo real email account
2) Yahoo fake email account
3) Yahoo Velvet email account
4) This website that I hope I never end up on. Careful if you are at work, and try not to get addicted. Uh, Thanks Jo.

Four Bloggers you are tagging:
Barbara
AUA
Rhinestone Cowgirl
Sharkbait

There’s No Wrong or Right But Until You Try, You’re Never Gonna Know

All right. I appreciate every comment about the CL#4NewJersey thing. I’ve said it before: When feelings are potentially brewing for me, I start screwing up. I can manage with most of the men I go out with because I end up not caring one way or the other how it turns out. Obviously, this is different. My neighbor and friend Abby asked me last night what I was going to do about answering the email to CL#4NJ and I said, “Easy. I’m going to post it on the blog and see what everyone thinks.” So thank you to all of you.

What I decided to do was a quickie email back that simply said, “Cards? I will kick your ass at cards.” That was at 3:00 Thursday afternoon. All I can do is wait and see. But I assure you that I won’t be contacting him again, via text or email. The ball has ceremoniously been lobbed into his court.

I Wonder If The Way We Were Was Only In My Head

All right folks. Since Sammy appears to be on the mend, I can get back to dating for a moment.

You probably want updates on dates. Let’s start with the easy one, CL#5PornName. He emailed me the day after our date (last Wednesday) and said that he had a good time, and said I owed him a picture of my motorcycle. I obliged, and I haven’t heard anything back from him. As cute and fun as he was, he was missing a major ingredient of my wish list. A college degree. He even said something about “not needing school.” Uh, Velvet is a school loving, Valedictorian of her MBA class, woman. I love me some school. I don’t think there is a person alive who couldn’t benefit from learning some new things.

Now, we all know that CL#4NewJersey and I had a fab date on Friday that lasted until Saturday morning. What I didn’t mention after the date was that when we said goodbye, he hugged me and said, “Take care.” Not so much a fan of “take care.” I would have thought after the date we had that I would at least get, “I’ll talk to you later,” or “I’ll email you this week.” But nope. Take Care.

I didn’t think a lot of it, and I didn’t hear from him until Tuesday. He sent an email that simply said he had a great time with me, and he’s never had a “better movie night, in fact.” But then he said it ruined the rest of his weekend. Not sure how – I assume lack of sleep. So, I replied by saying that he’s old now, and perhaps he shouldn’t be partying like that anymore. I told him briefly about Sammy and the possible MRI. Then, because I’m known to sign off abruptly, I made sure to say, “I had a good time too – blush.” I left it at that. That was Tuesday afternoon that I sent it back. I heard nothing back all day.

By Wednesday around noon, I was seriously wondering if Yahoo was having issues, not because I feel like making excuses for him – believe me, I don’t. But, because I’ve had several emails go unanswered from normally responsive people. So I decided to step away from the computer entirely and try another method. Don’t laugh. I sent him a text message telling him that I did reply and am not sure what’s up with Yahoo. Then I get an email back within an hour that said he received my text, the email below his was the last he received from me (which was the right email) and sent wishes for Sammy. He ended it by saying that he is getting old and perhaps on our next date we could play cards. I haven’t written back.

All right people. What the hell is going on here? It smells of the usual tricks of the men I end up liking. I’m sure some of you will say he’s playing games, I’m sure some of you will say he’s just busy at work. I do know this: Something isn’t passing the sniff test.

I’m not a beginner in the world of dating. I don’t look for chemistry where there isn’t any. I don’t think every man is my soulmate – obviously. But despite my sometimes insecure nature, I sure as shit know when a man is into me. Our conversations were nothing short of amazing, in sync, completely screaming of two people who were totally into each other. To listen to him talk was like listening to the thoughts that run through my own head. It was weird, and surreal. I didn’t think I had him pegged wrong – but then again, I pegged BoyFace completely wrong.

Damn. I hate it when I really like someone. I hate when I could potentially see us together. This is when I start making all sorts of mistakes. Emailing and then texting the next day is bad for business. I know better than this. I must find my copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You” and read my little head off.

Thinking about going back on Craigslist to keep more in the pipeline, since CL#5PornName seems to have disappeared and CL#4NewJersey might be on his way to another woman’s house.

MRI on Hold

Apparently I was wrong. There IS going back. I went out last night and came home around midnight to find a happy, peppy little Sammy. At first he didn’t come right to the door, so I thought he was dead, but then he came out to say hi and his tail was up for the first time in days. Is it possible that all that pain medicine he was on was confusing the issue?

Anyway, the MRI was put on hold and the little guy is sleeping soundly in his bed. Thank you to everyone who has been giving words of encouragement. I need to watch him, see how he does, and decide what to do from there. The bottom line is that this spine problem, even if it is going away now, will probably manifest itself again in the future. So I’m not opposed to getting this MRI done.

Thomas – you’ve left a lot of comments that I have tried to reply to by email and you don’t seem to be getting them. I sent one last night again, let me know if you didn’t receive it and I’ll send from another email address.

Sammy Update

I just spent $2300 at the Neurologist. Let me say that again, because I’m not sure those in the back heard. I just spent $2300 at the Neurologist.

Sammy is having an MRI tomorrow morning. I’m really into it now. There’s no going back. For the skeptics who suggested putting him down, (don’t worry, it’s not any of you supportive readers, it’s people who I share blood with,) do you get it? Does the fact that Citibank Visa is moving me to their “best customers” list as we speak, tell you that I have no intention of giving up? Good lord, if I can get my ass out there and date loser after loser, I most certainly can max out a few credit cards in the name of love for my dog.

You can tell by looking at him, he just doesn’t feel good. Well, he is still managing to check out his good looks in the mirror.

Something More I’mportant Than Dating

I’ve refrained from mentioning any of this, because I really can’t talk about it without sobbing uncontrollably. But, Sammy, little dog, love of my life, is very ill.

The facts:

Thursday morning he woke up and wouldn’t get out of bed. He sat up on his front paws but was staring down, as if he was still asleep. When I got him outside for a walk, he was barely moving.Half way through the walk, his back legs started to tremble. His head and tail were down the whole time. I figured he was not feeling well with the extra rawhide he got a hold of on Wednesday. But we went to the vet. They took blood and did an exam. Said nothing was abnormal. They put him on anti-inflammatory medicine and also gave me painkillers.

Friday morning, he woke up and the same thing happened. Except he really couldn’t make it through his walk. Now all 4 legs are shaking. I went back to the vet again, and they took x-rays. They said they can’t figure it out, but to keep him on the painkillers.


Saturday morning he couldn’t walk without being in pain. He tried to get me to pick him up by standing on his back legs, and he started to shreik. This is very unlike him. He doesn’t cry out in pain unless it’s bad. When I even touched his front paw, he cried. My neighbor drove us to the vet. In the car when we went over a bump he cried in pain. The x-rays don’t seem to show anything they can figure out. The vet gave us more medicine but said there was nothing more they could do. My next stop is a Neurologist. They recommended South Paws in Fairfax.

Sunday he was limping.

Today, Monday, he was on his walk and half way through his tail went down, his head went down and he started heading toward home. When I took him off the leash, he ran to the front door of my building.


Sammy is 6. He’s a corgi mix, and they seem to be prone to having back problems. He had a back problem once before due to a disc that was rubbing his spine, but he was 2 and he got through it. This seems to be getting worse by the day. I have an appointment at South Paws tomorrow at 12:30.

Can anyone help me or tell me anything about South Paws, what could be causing this problem, what the outcome might be? All anyone keeps saying to me is that he will be ok, but I’m skeptical.

Dating stops until my dog is better. The only man who matters right now is Sammy. Sorry folks.

Someone Googled Roller Derby DC…

…and got to my blog because months ago, I made a call to all on this topic. I’m still interested in setting up a league, and now that the fab white trash Rollergirls show has made it to A & E, I’m hoping TV can deliver on it’s ability to plant ideas in people’s heads. Whoever it was…email me. I’ve got a list of girls who will participate. Just gotta find a rink. I would even start a side blog about Roller Derby. I’m set.

Ready to beat some girl ass,
Velvet

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